broken1123,
I don't believe this 'just can't get along' scenario is Biblical grounds for divorce at all. The thing is, you even know what the problems are in your marriage and there are definitely some things that can be done for you two to start getting along.
Probably when you were dating, talking to each other was a joy. But sometimes you can get in a cycle. He says something to you that comes off as harsh or unloving or you say something to him that sounds critical to him and he feels overwhelmed. He responds with something that sounds harsh to you or just shutting down communication. You feel unloved. He feels not respected. Your responses make him feel not respected. His responses make you feel unloved.
I'd recommend a book for you, 'Love and Respect' by Eggerichs. My wife and I took a Sunday school class based on it and it was good. Something that might help you from the book is to consider whether some of your communication toward him feels to him like you are criticizing him. He can consider whether his responses or shutting down the conversation seem unloving to him. A lot of men shut down because they don't want to get angry and say something they regret or just feel overwhelmed. And there are times when a man comes home tired or stressed and hearing his wife talk about her stress seems overwhelming. Women feel better when they talk out problems. I hear it triggers a kind of pleasure center in the brain. Men don't always experience this. If we talk about something, it's usually to fix the problem. I heard someone on the radio talk about research along these lines and suggest that if a wife just wants to vent, she just tell her husband she only wants him to listen, not to worry about suggesting anything, so he knows she's in that mode.
First I think it would be good if you and your husband had a time of prayer together where you ask God to help fix your relationship and take time confessing sins to one another and forgiving each other. Ask God to help you and search your hearts so that you can do this. If you both humble yourself, it's amazing just how quickly God can heal up so many problems of a broken relationship that come from resentment building up through all those 'negative interactions' when you talk over time.
Another thing I would suggest for you is if you have something along the lines of complaint or correction--something he's doing wrong or not doing right-- that you want to talk about, be very gentle and careful about it. I remember when my wife and I first got married, when we were holding each other, she'd gently ask, "Do you mind if I tell you something?" and if I'd done something she didn't like, she tell me in the gentlest and humblest way. She hasn't always done that. On occasion, she's shared her concerns in a stressed out, maybe even angry-sounding manner. That doesn't go over well. That's hard for me to process and listen to. And if she goes on and on and repeats herself, I'd get overwhelmed from that. That's something else to consider. You don 't want to repeat yourself or take too long if you are giving criticism. Let him process a little at a time, and do it in a gentle, submissive manner.
As a wife, you should focus on being submissive and respectful, and that needs to come through when you share your concerns.
There are also a lot of things you can do to help generate a positive atmosphere in the marriage. If you are at home and he comes home, greet him at a door. If you've just made something he likes to drink, tea or fresh squeezed lemonade, offer it to him. Greet him with a smile, and hug him hard and kiss him long (10 to 15 seconds) before he leaves the house. A positive greeting and a smile when he comes home can create a better atmosphere. If there has been tension over past conflict, and lets say you pray, confess sins, and forgive, and then he comes home to a smiling wife who gives him a passionate kiss, he's relieved. He's not on edge ready to fight with you, and it diffuses potential conflict. He'd feel more at ease listening to something you have to say or sharing his thoughts.
A lot of men don't really like 'communication' if a lot of it is on the topic of "1000 more things wrong with you." If you send a lot of time talking about conflict items, that creates a negative atmosphere. Spend a lot of time saying other things. Make a list of positive things about your husband that you want to encourage him about. When he comes home or when he leaves, take one or two of them and say, "I really appreciate/respect/ admire how you....." Try that day after day and see if the relationship changes. And if it is sincere and from your heart, that can be very encouraging. If communication is a safe and enjoyable thing, a lot more men get into it. We don't get the release women get from talking through their problems. Too much talk of emotional problems is overwhelming for a lot of men or can even make some of them angry, especially if the relationship doesn't feel safe because so much communication is confrontational.
There are a lot of things like that that he could do on his end of the relationship. Sometimes, if one person does it, the other one naturally starts doing it, too. Thy say marriage takes work, and you need to put effort in. But a lot of people don't know what kind of effort to put in. Little things like this can help a lot.
Maybe you've heard that professing evangelicals in the US divorce at about the same rate as society. But I've also read that there were a couple of surveys done that indicated that the divorce rate is far less than 1% for married couples who actually pray together regularly so that is something to do together every day.
About the adoption, if I were you I wouldn't press the issue right now. Your talking about divorce kind of shows us the reason he hasn't gone through with it. I think you should work on the relationship, first.
