Is divorce the only option?

[broken1123]

My husband and I have jad so many arguments over the course of our relationship w/ each one escalating to greater levels. We've had some conversations, when calm, and have identified the lack od communication to be one of our biggest problems. I've told him how I feel and vice versa. We agree to make changes amd move on.this cycle has repeated itself for about 5 years now. I've become so tired. I have no emotional connection w/ him anymore. When I try to talk to him about this and tell him exactly how I feel, his immediate response is to retaliate and basically repeat what I say and refuse to communicate. He recently told me that he couldn't change anymore and if he did, he wouldn't be himself and would be even more unhappy, which he doesn't want. As soon as he said that, it was an immediate signal to me that we probably shouldn't be together anymore if that's how he really feels. I believe we are constantly growing and changing, just as a human species. If I'm confiding in my husband and telling him I'm not connecting emotionally b/c honestly, nothing is being done to resolve this, and his response is basically I'm not changing anything else, then I see no reason for us to stay married. I don't want to get a divorce. But, I just can't continue to be unhappy and deal w/ someone who is unwilling to address issues as they arise, much less do anything to reslove them. He'd rather never confront the issue and hope it goes away. When I choose to talk about anything that's bothering me, he tells me not everything has to be discussed. He says some things are better left alone. I just don't agree. So, where we are now is...should we divorce? I know God is against this. But, I can't keep repeating this cycle over and over. My husband says he doesn't want a divorce not because he loves me, but because he already has 1 son w/ another woman and we have 1 year old twins. He doesn't want to keep repeating this pattern of having kids and no relationship. I have 1 daughter who is not his and whom he refuses to adopt b/c he says he feels our relationship is so unstable. This really hurts me b/c her father is not around and has never been. His son has him and his own mother. He's told my daughter 3 times in the last 4 years that he's going to adopt her and change hher last name to his. It's never happened and my duaghter always asks me about it. She always wonders why he makes these promises and doesn't follow through. I'm fed up with his complacency. What do I do? I love him. But, it's just not enough anymore. We probably should not have gotten married. But, too little too late. I need some real advice. Please help.

 

[NiteGem]

Hi Broken,

I am not a professional counselor or theologian but I do feel that I have advice worth offering.

I would like to suggest that you not do anything hasty. Give yourself time to prayerfully ask God for strength, wisdom, guidance, and patience (and of course, anything else you need ). Listen to what God is telling your heart.

I have been divorced. It was without a doubt the single most painfully devastating experience of my life. I am still recovering after nine years. There are some hard truths you (and your husband) will have to face if you plan to divorce…and four children to consider, as well.

Are you prepared to be a single mother of three children…including twin infants? Are your personal resources - emotionally, financially, spiritually – strong enough to sustain you, alone?

Are you prepared to raise your children without their father fulltime? Your babies are a year old, that’s a long time for them to be without him.

Are you prepared to jeopardize your relationship with your stepson? You’ve been married for five years, correct? Five years is a long time, especially to children. Are you prepared to walk away from him, or be forced away? Your stepson has 3 siblings he may lose, and your children may lose him.

And what about the relationship your husband has with his stepdaughter? You may not be satisfied with the relationship between them, but how does your daughter feel about him? There are many, many more important aspects of fatherhood besides sharing a name.

Are you willing to accept your share of the responsibility for the failure of your marriage? Have you honestly done all you can, worked your hardest, tried your best before God?

I don’t mean to seem harsh, but the truth is, divorce is harsh. Everyone will be hurt, that I can promise you. There are many feelings to consider besides yours and your husband’s, and the choices you two make affect all of them.

The best advice anyone can give you is to stay close to God and pray. You and your family will be in my prayers.

 

[rbowentn]

no its not do not give up read my testiomoney i know what you are going through i posted it in the family section there is 3 parts, God loves you and your husband talk to him about the lord show him the love of god through your self read 1 john over and over again untill in sets in you need his agappa love it is unconditional and the holy spirit will convict his heart. if you need an email mine is [email protected] i can email it to you i believe it will help you

 

[TwistedAngel84]

this is not the end of the world. i promise. the old me would tell u to say screw it and just be done with him.but the newer me says wait. i was 9 months into my marriage when i wanted a divorce. i posted on here about it even. boy am i glad i didnt. im happier now than i have ever been in my life. because i waited. and i know it seems to u that u have waited long enough. but we live on God's time. not ours. u have already told urself that u are getting a divorce so therefor u are not really open to anything we say on here.nor are u open to seeing if u can wrok out things with ur spouse. but if u tell urself that u REFUSE to give up, REFUSE to be a quitter, u will see that God's timing seems to work out pretty darn well. i know in my heart of hearts that u and ur spouse should not get divorced over something like this. abuse? maybe... infidelity? of course. u just dont FEEL like it anymore? never. pray first, listen second, obey third (thats the tricky part) and i guaruntee that 100 % of the time things will be exactly as they should be.

 

[heyitsme]

You know it's kinda like the kinship that occurs between us and God. Communication plays a very important part and I'm sure if we look at it as God looks at us we would maybe just maybe have an easier time of it. There have been many times in my life that is if God could ever feel that way about my relationship with him he had every chance. Relationships are very hard work, but well worth the reward. My wife and I have been married now for 22 years and we get along far better than we ever have even to this day.It has taken the full amount of time to see this. We are truly in Love now by choice. I'm not saying that i have been an easy person to like or even love at times, but with God's Amazing Grace we have stuck together through it all and it is truly a Blessing in my Life to be together with such an amazing woman.I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. When i saw the turning point in my marriage is when i decided that i couldn't fix the things that were wrong and i purposed to give it completely over to Jesus to Glorify Himself in it. And it was Truly Amazing what happened and is happening to this day in our marriage. I allowed God to change me. He is an awesome God!
Greg

 

[susi]

Amen. heyitsme

 

[LynnJ]

Dear Broken, have you tried marriage counseling with a Christian counselor?

 

[BLC]

LynnJ,

Believers go through all kinds of unnecessary things in their marriage, in their relationships and their walk with God because they do not have a local church that functions as a body with a pastor/teacher; a local organic body with other believers they can be knit together with and function as one body. I know that every born again Christian is a member of God's body, but not all believers live in a local expression of that body where they can co-labor and be a joint participant. The local body is where you are taught the word of God, where you grow in grace and knowledge with other believers and are able to put into practice, with one another, what you have learned. We have as individuals a personal relationship with Christ but we also need a corporate relationship with Christ as the head of His body. We gather together in unity and as a body, to worship God as a family in Spirit and truth.

Paul built churches and we are to disciple souls into a local church where they can be built up and edified with other believers. Paul wrote (8) letters to (6) local churches. Our Lord gave John a vision that involved (7) churches with lamp stands and leadership. How is a believer going to learn to submit and obey those that have rule over them unless they are in that setting? How will they learn to submit to one another, with those they rub shoulders with, unless they are in that kind of setting? The setting that we have here on the INTERNET is not one of a local body of believers, even though each one is precious in God's sight. We are scattered abroad. The shepherd wants to flock His sheep, and walk with them as a flock of sheep that has a fold (John 10:16). There was one shepherd that led Israel out of Egypt. There are many local expressions that make up the universal body of Christ, the church, but we all need to be a part of a local body. If we don't have one, we need to find one and gather ourselves with that local body.

Jesus walks in the midst of His people and amongst the lamp stands. God has always yearned to gather His people together as a hen that broods over and gathereth her chicks (Luke 13:34). We need to encourage people to get into a local church or start one in their own Jerusalem and invite a qualified pastor to come and teach. There is nothing wrong or out of place in doing that. Those that hunger after God and thirst for His word should be able to be fed and nourished up in the words of faith by a pastor/teacher. I know some hungry believers that would travel 2.5 - 3.0 hrs one way, every week for years and then moved to be with the ministry that God called them to. I traveled over 2.0 hrs on Sundays to hear the word of God and be with other believers. In the early 80's, I traveled twice a week, 2.0 hrs one way for a year and a half. That was over 32,000 miles just to hear the word of God and to be with God's precious body of saints.

I believe that there are some that post here that do not have a local church to gather with, where they could be fed. They are probably praying that God would send someone to their area that could teach them the scriptures because they are hungry and want the fellowship of other believers that love God. If God was willing and we were available, He could raise up people right on this site to go to these locations and meet that need as a team. I have seen that happen many times because that is the heart of God. I am not going to mention any names here, but I have spoken with some, that are not just gifted, but have a heart for the lost and have been praying that God would open the door. I, personally, would like to talk about this even further because the time is short and God is looking for laborers because they are few (Mt 9:37, Luke 10:2).

 

[John832]

Hello Broken1123,

I hope I can be of some help to you. Your question, "Is divorce the only option"! I truly believe you already know the answer to the question. And you are aware you have a choice. I thought I would share this scripture with you.

Mark 10 vrs. 1-12

1 Then He arose from there and came to the region of Judea by the other side of the Jordan. And multitudes gathered to Him again, and as He was accustomed, He taught them again.
2 The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him.
3 And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.”
5 And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’[a] 7 ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
10 In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. 11 So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

Your first initial reaction to the scripture my strike you as my being judgmental of you or taking sides in a divorce. I assure you I am not guilty of either. For reading a simple paragraph of your struggle hardly gives me enough insight to be aware of the status of your marriage.

Notice how the Pharisees used Mariage to try and trap Jesus. Is this why the law was given by Moses, To be used as a means to trap Jesus? I think a married couple can make the same mistake the Pharisees did. Often people will use marriage to get what they want for themselves. But, is it what God truly wants. I am assuming both you and your husband are both Christians.

You had said, "But, I just can't continue to be unhappy and deal w/ someone who is unwilling to address issues as they arise".

You have to ask yourself what these issues are. If you have yoked with an unbeliever, indeed your marriage will be tough. But that does not mean it must end in divorce.

2 Corinthians 6:14: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

Remember if your issues at question involve selfish motives then you need to reflect on where you are at spiritually. If your husband is guilty of wickedness and not willing to change it, what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?

May Christ show you the way.

 

[earlyedition]

hey, It sounds like your husband doesn't know how to communicate about his feelings very well. Maybe growing up his parents didn't talk to him about the way he was feeling. I think he is depressed, I would seek a christian counselour and a christian doctor to help you both with your problems. You need someone to help you communicate with each other and teach him to communicate with you. If he is emotionally or physically hurting you or your children, or if he is cheating you by all means do get a divorce if not seek professional help.

 

[loveschild]

Hows your husband and your relationship with God? He's the one who can help you. God bless

 

[Chocolate]

My husband and I have jad so many arguments over the course of our relationship w/ each one escalating to greater levels. We've had some conversations, when calm, and have identified the lack od communication to be one of our biggest problems. I've told him how I feel and vice versa. We agree to make changes amd move on.this cycle has repeated itself for about 5 years now. I've become so tired. I have no emotional connection w/ him anymore. When I try to talk to him about this and tell him exactly how I feel, his immediate response is to retaliate and basically repeat what I say and refuse to communicate. He recently told me that he couldn't change anymore and if he did, he wouldn't be himself and would be even more unhappy, which he doesn't want. As soon as he said that, it was an immediate signal to me that we probably shouldn't be together anymore if that's how he really feels. I believe we are constantly growing and changing, just as a human species. If I'm confiding in my husband and telling him I'm not connecting emotionally b/c honestly, nothing is being done to resolve this, and his response is basically I'm not changing anything else, then I see no reason for us to stay married. I don't want to get a divorce. But, I just can't continue to be unhappy and deal w/ someone who is unwilling to address issues as they arise, much less do anything to reslove them. He'd rather never confront the issue and hope it goes away. When I choose to talk about anything that's bothering me, he tells me not everything has to be discussed. He says some things are better left alone. I just don't agree. So, where we are now is...should we divorce? I know God is against this. But, I can't keep repeating this cycle over and over. My husband says he doesn't want a divorce not because he loves me, but because he already has 1 son w/ another woman and we have 1 year old twins. He doesn't want to keep repeating this pattern of having kids and no relationship. I have 1 daughter who is not his and whom he refuses to adopt b/c he says he feels our relationship is so unstable. This really hurts me b/c her father is not around and has never been. His son has him and his own mother. He's told my daughter 3 times in the last 4 years that he's going to adopt her and change hher last name to his. It's never happened and my duaghter always asks me about it. She always wonders why he makes these promises and doesn't follow through. I'm fed up with his complacency. What do I do? I love him. But, it's just not enough anymore. We probably should not have gotten married. But, too little too late. I need some real advice. Please help.

God Hates divorce. Pray Fast and seek God. Humble yourself.....and seek Him. Dig into the word and find out what He says and thinks about marriage. Do what the word says to do. Live by it.....put into operation the things that it talks about doing regarding marriage relationship. Repent...that means change your way of thinking! Break the patterns. Repent of the sins that got you into this mess in the first place.....pour yourself out before the Lord. Humble yourself. Find out what it means and is to BE a true wife as set forth with what the Bible says. SEEK God. Pray Listen and Obey! PLO

 

[Slepsog4]

There is only one being in the universe in no need of change. He calls himself the I AM. Mankind is almost always in need of change... it is called repentance.

 

[Cloud9]

Broken are you equally yoked? If you're both Christian you have a better chance of working things out than if you have different value systems.

Sometimes there are very large communication differences between men and women so you have to learn to communicate better or find a way of bridging the gap.

From the sound of your post you are experiencing a lot of frustration but you know a spouse is not able to fill every one of your needs. If they were you wouldn't need God.

Are you expecting him to be there for you the way a woman that you confide in is?

If so you might need to rethink that. Men aren't into the venting thing as much as women are.

They like to show their love practically by doing things.

So maybe you could find a counselor for the two of you, read up a bit on communication, find a good confidante that you can trust to confide in and also see if you can both take a personality test. When you know the personality of the other person better you might be able to adjust to each other better.

It seems like a good sign to me that he isn't ready to throw in the towel.

Also consider that children have more security with a father particularly if you have a son. Boys have a harder time than girls do at finding good role models in this world and little boys seem to need the role modeling more than little girls.

Check with your church. Sometimes churches or other church organizations offer low cost or free counseling.

 

[Dan58]

If he doesn't want to dwell on your problems, leave it alone. He obviously feels that it just leads to arguments or that your trying to change him. Whatever issues you keep bringing up are making him unhappy, so why force the issue? It sounds like you want him to commiserate with you, and I can see where that would depress a person after a while. Focus on positive things, keep your conversations uplifting, and perhaps you'll both be happier. If you have a problem, try handling it yourself and don't dump it all in his lap. How you communicate can be controlled, if he doesn't want to hear all your problems, stop unloading them on him.. jmo

 

[secularhermit]

Broken are you equally yoked? If you're both Christian you have a better chance of working things out than if you have different value systems.

Sometimes there are very large communication differences between men and women so you have to learn to communicate better or find a way of bridging the gap.

From the sound of your post you are experiencing a lot of frustration but you know a spouse is not able to fill every one of your needs. If they were you wouldn't need God.

Are you expecting him to be there for you the way a woman that you confide in is?

If so you might need to rethink that. Men aren't into the venting thing as much as women are.

They like to show their love practically by doing things.

So maybe you could find a counselor for the two of you, read up a bit on communication, find a good confidante that you can trust to confide in and also see if you can both take a personality test. When you know the personality of the other person better you might be able to adjust to each other better.

It seems like a good sign to me that he isn't ready to throw in the towel.

Also consider that children have more security with a father particularly if you have a son. Boys have a harder time than girls do at finding good role models in this world and little boys seem to need the role modeling more than little girls.

Check with your church. Sometimes churches or other church organizations offer low cost or free counseling.

Maybe she doesn´t tell you... The post is from 2009.

 

[pwrnJC]

Speaking purely as a 'male'..I can understand, to an extent, his 'psychie" on this. Us males are just overgrown boys in a bigger body. We realize all too soon that it is IMPOSSIBLE to always please our soul mates. We get little signals, such as facial expressions, tones, attitude expressions that we take more serious than females realize. My wife has, for 39 years, tried to 'change me"...and I can't. I still talk with my mouth full, my pinkie finger sticks out when I'm eating, my driving, according to her, will always be atrocious. I do enjoy a power nap now and then, even though she is in a work mode. She will always claim that I 'mentally block her out'. I will always sneak around and spend my last dollar at a flea market. I am an artist and for decades she still fusses when I sit down and draw or paint because she sees it as a hopeless waste of time since the finished product does not always put money in the bank, or end up in a museum somewhere. I have published a CHRISTIAN novel 6 years ago and she has never sat down and opened it up. We live in two different worlds completely......yet...she takes up the slack where I fail. She is extremely strong where I am weak. She can view things from a perspective that I can't. I do not sweat the small stuff..she has to have immediate conclusion. Together, we balance things out. Opposites do attract and can be of a help to each other indeed Believe it or not, he has traits that are possitive and important to you. We cannot always be an emotional support for our wives, because we are seeking the same thing from them for assurance. GOD bless you two as you trudge through life together, as imperfect as he might be!

 

[Dan58]

Maybe she doesn´t tell you... The post is from 2009.

Wow, I didn't even notice the original date of this thread, I just assumed it was recent. I need to start checking dates so I don't waste time with a 5 year old problem

 

[Jeff_56]

..... Please help.

these have helped a lot of people >>>> "total joy" and "total woman"
in line with GOD'S WORD.
(if you're a follower of Jesus, immersed in Him, divorce is not an option for you to pursue.
for an unbeliever, if they want to leave, let them go without even trying to stop them. that's
what GOD'S WORD says.)
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[Jeff_56]

Wow, I didn't even notice the original date of this thread, I just assumed it was recent. I need to start checking dates so I don't waste time with a 5 year old problem

over 1000 people today might read this thread. or just 1, who it matters to in GOD'S TIME......