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How am I supposed to feel when I've erred or sinned?
I struggle with depression and get confused on this easily. My depression is almost indistinguishable from healthy feelings when I'm in the midst of it. Then it turns into a self-fulfilling cycle where I either feel worthless for no reason or I fail to do something and so then feel worthless for my failure. In either event I end up feeling lethargic, numb, and do not move forward.
Sometimes though I'll feel this quiet invitation to simply let it go and move forward. It doesn't mean not being sorry or wanting to do better, it's just... an invitation to get up and keep going. Like an infinite string of second chances. Is that grace? Am I allowed to accept that offer and move forward without guilt?
Accepting that feels wrong. And even though I am depressed and do make mistakes, I want to be fully human. I want to experience my sadness and not flinch from my sins. I'm not looking for a shortcut or escape from my responsibilities. So I shirk from this subtle invitation because it feels...
... I don't want to dodge my actions. I want to be a good person. But how do I know that invitation to stand back up is from God? What if I really am trying to be irresponsible? I don't want to accept that invitation if it means risking being a bad Christian. I really believe in owning my behavior. So I unconsciously and sometimes even consciously force myself to stay down. I want God to know I'm not shrugging things and I'm trying to really experience the horror of my failures. So I refuse that invitation until I'm broken, until I have no further to fall. Only then do I feel like I sacrificed enough to show my face again by standing up. Because I want to show God I'm sorry. I really am.
A piece of me though worries I'm turning my back on grace. Could it be that little invitation to climb out of the mud is really God's love and forgiveness? I'm scared to be wrong and, in doing so, end up showing God I'm not sorry for my actions and the kind of person who runs from his behavior. I don't want to risk that chance. Yet I also know my depression survives by masquerading as the right thing to do. It says suffering is the right thing when I'm wrong or bad. It says if I'm not feeling bad enough, in a pure way, or in the right way, then I need to keep struggling downward so that I can be properly sorry.
So I guess I'm wondering... when you do something wrong, what is the right or Christian way of experiencing it? Shouldn't I feel horrible inside for failing God? Could I just move forward, stand up again, and try again without carrying my sense of failure around? Because I think I might be able to do that. It sounds wonderful. More than too good to be true. But is that what God wants? Would I be being a good Christian then? Because I want to be. I just don't want to accidentally appear or start to stop appreciating my behavior before God. Risking doing that is scary even as this subtle invitation feels... more than I can afford to hope. It sounds like it may be forgiveness in the way people talk about God having but I can't be sure. Please take witness for me.
I know my depression clouds my judgement so I'm appealing to you to help me see as I continue to pray on this. Pray for me and thank you.
I struggle with depression and get confused on this easily. My depression is almost indistinguishable from healthy feelings when I'm in the midst of it. Then it turns into a self-fulfilling cycle where I either feel worthless for no reason or I fail to do something and so then feel worthless for my failure. In either event I end up feeling lethargic, numb, and do not move forward.
Sometimes though I'll feel this quiet invitation to simply let it go and move forward. It doesn't mean not being sorry or wanting to do better, it's just... an invitation to get up and keep going. Like an infinite string of second chances. Is that grace? Am I allowed to accept that offer and move forward without guilt?
Accepting that feels wrong. And even though I am depressed and do make mistakes, I want to be fully human. I want to experience my sadness and not flinch from my sins. I'm not looking for a shortcut or escape from my responsibilities. So I shirk from this subtle invitation because it feels...
... I don't want to dodge my actions. I want to be a good person. But how do I know that invitation to stand back up is from God? What if I really am trying to be irresponsible? I don't want to accept that invitation if it means risking being a bad Christian. I really believe in owning my behavior. So I unconsciously and sometimes even consciously force myself to stay down. I want God to know I'm not shrugging things and I'm trying to really experience the horror of my failures. So I refuse that invitation until I'm broken, until I have no further to fall. Only then do I feel like I sacrificed enough to show my face again by standing up. Because I want to show God I'm sorry. I really am.
A piece of me though worries I'm turning my back on grace. Could it be that little invitation to climb out of the mud is really God's love and forgiveness? I'm scared to be wrong and, in doing so, end up showing God I'm not sorry for my actions and the kind of person who runs from his behavior. I don't want to risk that chance. Yet I also know my depression survives by masquerading as the right thing to do. It says suffering is the right thing when I'm wrong or bad. It says if I'm not feeling bad enough, in a pure way, or in the right way, then I need to keep struggling downward so that I can be properly sorry.
So I guess I'm wondering... when you do something wrong, what is the right or Christian way of experiencing it? Shouldn't I feel horrible inside for failing God? Could I just move forward, stand up again, and try again without carrying my sense of failure around? Because I think I might be able to do that. It sounds wonderful. More than too good to be true. But is that what God wants? Would I be being a good Christian then? Because I want to be. I just don't want to accidentally appear or start to stop appreciating my behavior before God. Risking doing that is scary even as this subtle invitation feels... more than I can afford to hope. It sounds like it may be forgiveness in the way people talk about God having but I can't be sure. Please take witness for me.
I know my depression clouds my judgement so I'm appealing to you to help me see as I continue to pray on this. Pray for me and thank you.