i dont know how to even begin this message. im at a point in my life where i dont care what others really think of me, in life or on this site. im not sure what im going to say on here so im gonna state now that if you are not interested in hearing the truth about a person who committed their life to Christ and their life became a living hell please dont read this any further.
im not on here to try and convince others to not follow Christ, cause personallly i dont care any longer what another person does, its not my business. that may come across as harsh but after 10 years of hell trusting in an imaginary savior, and experiencing more days where ive woke up wishing my life was over than looking forward to the day, then you might understand. i also know how this comes across, and already know the percieved BIAS by many on this site whose initial thought is well God is good, so then I must be the bad guy. it kinda sickens me how immediately everyone instantly gives God the benefit of the doubt. yet examine your own life... what has God really done for you? i mean really, maybe you made some new friends or something at church, or perhaps even some of you have experienced some big miracle and you can forever praise god for it. well what about those who havent, whose experienced only pain and heartache, or seen a child die for no reason.
why is it that soo many believe God really cares, but yet when you look at this world you see people who are hurting everyday, you see a child who has a mother addicted to crack or some other drug, and the child is forced to wear the same diapers they have badly soiled.
again, please dont read this if you want to keep the blinders on to the real world around you and continue on your way to your sunday sermons where the pastors say god is good.. pls just skip this message and continue to enjoy the sunday sermon show. which is what the majority of churces are anyways.
its likely i may be banned for the message, because im simply being honest.. and no one on here wants to hear the honesty of a person who committed their life to Christ only to watch it fall apart right before their eyes. that would be bad PR for the Jesus followers. no.. its just bettter to continue on with life and ignore the truth that Jesus doesnt care, or doesnt exist, and im not sure which one it is.
how can jesus care.. how can i honestly expect him to help me.. when he doesnt even help a child who is starving.. or a little boy who is being molested by some catholic priest. i know thats a harsh reality, but what.. should i ignore the truth, and continue to claim God is good. when apparently god is not good, or maybe god is good, but he just doesnt care enough to help that little boy, or that child dying of starvation or living in filth.. and im suppose to pray to him and actually believe that he is going to help me??
now before you say im some antichrist or something... let me please explain a little bit of my walk to let you know where im coming from.. im sure many of those who have read this have already judged me and condemned me to hell. all i know to say is that your not the one who is gonna be seated on the throne come judegment day.
i grew up in a home where Christ was not heavily emphasized, but probably grew up in what is considered to be very common and relatable to many of you. i attended chruch with my parents on easter, christmas, etc.. but my parents were definitely not bible thumpers, but they were and are both christians. my grandmother was perhaps considered a bible thumper or whatever term you wanna use.. but she was a strong believer. in fact she had me recite some prayer when i was 9 and i was a christian then (i guess you could say). all i know is that i was aware of jesus as much as a kid, teenager, and young adult could be. and i claimed christ.
to keep this story short.. im only gonnna share a little bit more of this. when i was 21 or so my life was really getting better.. my neighbor invited me to a church, and one evening this pastor come up to me and asked me a few questions.. next thing i know im in a room with his wife and my 2 neighbors and im being told to recite romans 10 9-10. there are going to be a ton of details left out here.. but bottome line is i dont agree one bit with what that pastor did, esp considering the conversation we had 5-10 minutes prior to this. but nonetheless for times sake im gonna fast forward.
that summer i decided to transfer to a christian college, was going to transfer anyways but felt led to go to anderson university in indiana. i was on fire for Christ.. and was very committed. anyone who knows me knows that when i make up my mind to do something i go 100%. after that evening i started reading the word daily, praying, and continued to attend church reguarly.
i say all this because i want those who are actually reading this to understand that im no infant or spiritual babe in Christ. ive read the NT several, several times, and parts of the OT like psalms, proverbs, Job, Genesis, and other boooks a few times or more as well. ive been out of the bible for awhile now but someone can quote me a scripture and i can still likley guess the book that verse would be found in just from the overall theme. from reading it so often i just know if a verse if from the gospels.. or the epistles of paul.. of somewhere else.
with all that said.. know that i gave my life to Christ devoutly. the problem with what that pastor did was he did not disciple me very well at all.. i really have so much anger in my heart towards this pentecostal pastor.. and not to offend anyone but ive since been told pentecostals are very pushy in their religion. but i dont think that is an excuse for Jesus.
the problem was is that i had no idea what being a christian meant, and from 22-25 even though i read the bible daily, attended church, and went to a christian univ. it still was not clear to me what it meant to be a christian. i guess maybe b/c the bible is simply too much verbiage.. or the topic of religion is just soo complicated.. heck even denominations amongst different churches cannot wholeheartedly agree on some things.
what im saying here is i, once saved took a very legalistic approach to follwing god. i was always concerned bout whether i was upsetting God, or if i would go to hell for this or that.. blah blah. i really had no idea what it meant to be a christian.. and sadly, i think there are many in churches who are exactly the same way b/c they dont pick up the bible themselves, they just show up to church on sunday and sleepwalk through the show.
i know this is long, but there are several details and things i have not even mentioned that could make this into a book if i really wanted. secondly, i dont really care if anyone even reads this b/c my hope i suppose is that Jesus is reading it.. and if he isnt then this is worthless anyways.. cause no one on here has the answer im looking for, im sure of that. but ive had it.. with all the false hope ive placed in this savior.
to try and wrap this up because im sure its very long anyways already, much of what ive written is to let others know that i was once a sincere christian. for 3 years i lived for god to the fullest.. i would close my eyes if a commerical came on the tv and its was a beautful woman.. to prevent lust. i would pray for hours.
what is soooo sad to me is that through all my effort to seek Christ, he never helped me until it was too late. finally, when i was about 25 and was sinking into a depression from things i did not mention that occurred from 22-25, i finally came across a verse that made sense of what it meant to be a christian. i finally understood the love of the Father, and Son, and what it truly meant when Jesus went to that cross. not sure what the verse was, i think it was ephesians 2: 8-9 but im not positive. all i know is it was like a lightbulb that went on in my head.. that this is what it truly means.. its GRACE, its UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... that Jesus does not expect me to be perfect, if so Jesus would nvr have had to die on the cross for my sins. Jesus nvr expected me to be perfect, and that there was no reason to really try to be in a sense cause i could never attain righteousness through works.. that may be poor phrasing but Paul explains this in many many of his epistles.
the problem is now.. that ive had soo much pain happen to me.. by turning to Christ prior to truly understanding what it meant to be a Christian, that now it feels my life is ruined. i cant go into detail b/c its just too much. all i know is that what ive experienced i know not even 1% of christians will ever face.
for me, there was one incident with Christ that changed everything.. shortly after being saved or whatever that pastor had me do that evening, it was about 6 months later and i started developing some health issues. i was in great shape, i ran, worked out, and was intending to play basketball for the university.. long story short these health problems became a nightmare for me. this story is very hard to tell, but im gonna to summarize it like this.
i went to the DR. and he had recommended some things be done. things i did not want to do. i was so confused at that time and alot was going on.. and i just wanted the health issues to end. long story short, i did what i thought i was suppose to do as a christian and that was pray. and i prayed.. prayed.. and prayed.. and at that time something i read came to mind.. a book titled to walk on water you have to get out of the boat.. and i felt like thats what jesus wanted me to do.. and at that time i was hearing alot about obedience etc. so i said okay, i will get out of the boat, alas.. not my will be done but your will be done. and i did this in faith. this was prior to understanding about GRACE and the LOVE Christ had for me.
i did what the DR. had asked, and what i felt Christ wanted me to do.. even though i felt like it was not the right decision. and that decision has scarred me for life. it completely backfired on me. there are many details i leave out here, but i put all my faith in him, because i was soo sick of the pain of that health problem and i ignored my own common sense of at least getting a second opinion.
anyways.. the verse Proverbs 3: 5-6 is a bold faced lie. acknowledge HIm in all your ways, and he will make your path straight is a LIE. i did exactly that, and the path im on now is anything but straight. after that decision, i started to realize several other things that i had been doing because i felt like that was WWJD or whatever.. and it was all wrong. i lost soo much, and my life has been forever altered due to it.. not only my life but my families life.. the ones i loved. and the things i wanted to do for them.
i was once a very happy person, and now daily my life is a hell. i had soo much hope in Christ and placed so much faith in him, but when it came time for Jesus to step up to the plate and be counted upon he let me sink. it was a few months after that decision when i was reading the scriptures and finally realized the GRACE and etc. sadly though it was too late, the damage had already been done.
i dont know why ive taken the time to write all this.. and doubt anyone will read it, and thats fine. all i know is if there is some actual God, this letter was intended more for him. Im walking away from the faith, or at least trying very hard to.. for whatever reason i cannot get Jesus out of my life. i think its because i invested so much into him, and completely expected to give him the rest of my life but now i realize he cannot be counted upon in this life or the next. so if i do face him someday i can say ya know i did all i could.. i even wrote this letter making myself out to be a complete fool, being one hundred percent honest about how i feel, and you still do not help me out. you let me continue to go down this ugly, lonely, painful, broken road.
ive put soo much thought into all this my mind is just gone. ive wasted so many talents due to RELIGION. and i know there is a difference b/t RELIGION and a RELATIONSHIP with Christ. for those of you fortunate enough to experience the RELATIONSHIP before the RELIGION consider yourself blessed. but that was not the case for me..
i do not feel sorry for Jesus.. i often feel he had it a heck of alot easier than many of us do on this earth. he was beaten and crucified and got it over with in 3 days. only 3 days is all he had to suffer.. sure the 40 days was awful. but everyday of my life is awful. try 365 days a year, for 9 years straight now of nothing but freaking HELL. i would much prefer to just have it be over with and hung on a cross and die in 3 days than to live with this for everyday, year after year. i was once so healthy, now im sure im likely to die of a heart attack probably before im 50 if i dont make some changes in my life. and i think the most important thing i can do is let go of Christ, which truly seems impossible.
well, ive said alot, and much of this is just venting... and its very censored venting believe me.. cause some of the mean things i have said to Christ would surely get me banned from here if i wrote them down. some of this is a cry for help.. but ive cried out for help for along time and there has been no answer. this is only a very shortened version of my actual story. i cannot put into words the daily hell and darkness ive encounted for the last 250,000 hours or whatever the total would be.
please do not take this the wrong way.. i understand there are so many out here who struggle, with so many things. but how many of you can say that Jesus is the reason your life is horrible. if i had cancer or some other life draining disease i could just say well thats life, and actually turn to jesus to cope. but for me.. i cannot turn to jesus, because he is the reason for my hell, this is all on him.
anyways.. none of this is likley to make any sense.. but dont feel bad, cause i feel the same way. it makes no sense to me why Christ would break a person to the point he has broken me.. when i had wanted to do was help others. i use to sponsor a child with compasssion for example, but due to losing my job, or jobs at this point for health reasons.. or depression i can barely make it myself these days.
the once great potential i had seems long gone. the goals i had and so on. there is no comfort in anything someone could tell me.. like maybe those were not Gods goals.. or blah blah blah... no one truly knows, and no one truly knows what God has in store.
all i know is it seems that God just doesnt care. i write this letter out of complete desparation. ive trashed my bibles, ive given up on prayer, i dont dare enter a church so some pushy pastor can corner me into a room and force me to recite some prayer i have no idea what it means. it truly seems like my life is over.. before it even really began. i have no intention of ending it.. but really wish somedays i could stop breathing. if not for family i would likely go to a beach and become homeless. i think that is where my peace could be found. its like a war everyday in my mind.. and bluntly im exhausted. i have nothing left. i would love to just go to a beach and just forget about life. as long as i have food and a place to live i really dont care. far cry from the goals i once had of getting my MBA and CPA and actually helping my family and as many ppl i could. its sickening to me that there are so many who sit around and waste their lives watching tv or etc.. and here i wanted to do something with mine.. somethhing good and positive and actually help others but yet God strikes me down.. down so much that it would be better to die than live this life.
but i have a mother who has cancer.. what was suppose to be a treatable cancer has anything but.. she has had two surgeries, and it still remains.. and the damage from the surgery to her spinal accessory nerve and throat has taken more of her than anyone as kind as her should ever have to endure. she is only 51 years old.. if i lose her i know its over for me. im done. i will pack up and and head somewhere warm and be a bum. cause i have no motivation anymore to care. ive tried to get back up so many times only to be kicked back down by unforseen circumstances.. its just the weirdest junk that just comes from nowhere. it feels lilke ive won the lottery for all the bad luck in a lifetime a person can handle and then some.
there is no purpose i suppose in this letter, im not really asking for prayer or anything else.. im simply writing this out so that God and all the world can see, that there was a man who gave his all for Christ.. and Christ struck him down to a point where that man despised his life almost to the fullest. i love life.. but not the one ive gained through accepting Christ.
i will likely be struck down again probably for writing this.. but im too a point where i dont care.. my only care is not seeing those i love hurt anymore. as far as my life goes i dont care whether i take another breath or not.. but so those i love most dearly will not feel any more pain, i know i most try to continue on.. no matter how cruel this life and the God i once served can be.
i would appreciate prayers but ive realized God doesnt answer them. all i want i guess from this letter is to know that if I do see Christ face to face there is some form of evidence stating hey.. i tried, i did all a man was capable of.. so where were you Jesus?? where were you.. cause you nvr showed up when i needed you.
and i guess thats the reason for this letter.. b/c he will never show up except only in fairy tales written centruries ago.
in closing, thank you if you were able to read all this, and if you were you must really be a true warrior for Christ. sometimes i have more faith that Christ exists.. because for this much to go wrong there has to a Satan out here playing this living nightmare on me. im truly truly embarrassed by writing a letter like this, ive poured out my soul and heart into this, but as low as i am these days.. pride has no meaning in my life. i know that i was sincere in my faith in seeking Christ, and i have no regret that i condemn Christ for the way in which he has CRUSHED my spirit. i see through the facades of many of those who claim Christ, and can truly say there are very very few individuals who are true to the gospel. this is my last ditch effort to hold up my arms and reach up to Christ for help, my heart has grown cold from the lack of a response from him. im hoping and i mean hoping he will hear this, and answer in a way that only he knows how, that will turn my heart and mind and soul back to him. but i have so little faith that will actually happen. so i ask once more.. please hear my cry Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, place my feet back on the path you have for me, and may heal those near me that i love so dearly. i cannot handle anymore rejection of my prayers. if you have one miracle reserved for the man typing this letter, i think this is as good a time as any to put it to use. but otherwise, it might be in my best interest to walk away and nvr speak of the name of Jesus ever again.
I ask that not be how my story ends. i gave all i had to give to you, and all it seems i received in return was a boatfull of sorrow and misery. if anything ive stated in this letter be false or dishonest.. then may you strike me down harder than any man that has ever walked the face of this earth and i ask that in your name Jesus.
my mind is broken from the agony of these last 10 years. i could go on.. but ive said everything ive needed to say here.
i call out to you Jesus, begging you to fill my heart with some bit of joy, a small amount.. it would feel like the taste of a drop of water to man a in a dessert for days on end. please bring healing to my Mother & Father. and healing to my Brokenness. amen
im not on here to try and convince others to not follow Christ, cause personallly i dont care any longer what another person does, its not my business. that may come across as harsh but after 10 years of hell trusting in an imaginary savior, and experiencing more days where ive woke up wishing my life was over than looking forward to the day, then you might understand. i also know how this comes across, and already know the percieved BIAS by many on this site whose initial thought is well God is good, so then I must be the bad guy. it kinda sickens me how immediately everyone instantly gives God the benefit of the doubt. yet examine your own life... what has God really done for you? i mean really, maybe you made some new friends or something at church, or perhaps even some of you have experienced some big miracle and you can forever praise god for it. well what about those who havent, whose experienced only pain and heartache, or seen a child die for no reason.
why is it that soo many believe God really cares, but yet when you look at this world you see people who are hurting everyday, you see a child who has a mother addicted to crack or some other drug, and the child is forced to wear the same diapers they have badly soiled.
again, please dont read this if you want to keep the blinders on to the real world around you and continue on your way to your sunday sermons where the pastors say god is good.. pls just skip this message and continue to enjoy the sunday sermon show. which is what the majority of churces are anyways.
its likely i may be banned for the message, because im simply being honest.. and no one on here wants to hear the honesty of a person who committed their life to Christ only to watch it fall apart right before their eyes. that would be bad PR for the Jesus followers. no.. its just bettter to continue on with life and ignore the truth that Jesus doesnt care, or doesnt exist, and im not sure which one it is.
how can jesus care.. how can i honestly expect him to help me.. when he doesnt even help a child who is starving.. or a little boy who is being molested by some catholic priest. i know thats a harsh reality, but what.. should i ignore the truth, and continue to claim God is good. when apparently god is not good, or maybe god is good, but he just doesnt care enough to help that little boy, or that child dying of starvation or living in filth.. and im suppose to pray to him and actually believe that he is going to help me??
now before you say im some antichrist or something... let me please explain a little bit of my walk to let you know where im coming from.. im sure many of those who have read this have already judged me and condemned me to hell. all i know to say is that your not the one who is gonna be seated on the throne come judegment day.
i grew up in a home where Christ was not heavily emphasized, but probably grew up in what is considered to be very common and relatable to many of you. i attended chruch with my parents on easter, christmas, etc.. but my parents were definitely not bible thumpers, but they were and are both christians. my grandmother was perhaps considered a bible thumper or whatever term you wanna use.. but she was a strong believer. in fact she had me recite some prayer when i was 9 and i was a christian then (i guess you could say). all i know is that i was aware of jesus as much as a kid, teenager, and young adult could be. and i claimed christ.
to keep this story short.. im only gonnna share a little bit more of this. when i was 21 or so my life was really getting better.. my neighbor invited me to a church, and one evening this pastor come up to me and asked me a few questions.. next thing i know im in a room with his wife and my 2 neighbors and im being told to recite romans 10 9-10. there are going to be a ton of details left out here.. but bottome line is i dont agree one bit with what that pastor did, esp considering the conversation we had 5-10 minutes prior to this. but nonetheless for times sake im gonna fast forward.
that summer i decided to transfer to a christian college, was going to transfer anyways but felt led to go to anderson university in indiana. i was on fire for Christ.. and was very committed. anyone who knows me knows that when i make up my mind to do something i go 100%. after that evening i started reading the word daily, praying, and continued to attend church reguarly.
i say all this because i want those who are actually reading this to understand that im no infant or spiritual babe in Christ. ive read the NT several, several times, and parts of the OT like psalms, proverbs, Job, Genesis, and other boooks a few times or more as well. ive been out of the bible for awhile now but someone can quote me a scripture and i can still likley guess the book that verse would be found in just from the overall theme. from reading it so often i just know if a verse if from the gospels.. or the epistles of paul.. of somewhere else.
with all that said.. know that i gave my life to Christ devoutly. the problem with what that pastor did was he did not disciple me very well at all.. i really have so much anger in my heart towards this pentecostal pastor.. and not to offend anyone but ive since been told pentecostals are very pushy in their religion. but i dont think that is an excuse for Jesus.
the problem was is that i had no idea what being a christian meant, and from 22-25 even though i read the bible daily, attended church, and went to a christian univ. it still was not clear to me what it meant to be a christian. i guess maybe b/c the bible is simply too much verbiage.. or the topic of religion is just soo complicated.. heck even denominations amongst different churches cannot wholeheartedly agree on some things.
what im saying here is i, once saved took a very legalistic approach to follwing god. i was always concerned bout whether i was upsetting God, or if i would go to hell for this or that.. blah blah. i really had no idea what it meant to be a christian.. and sadly, i think there are many in churches who are exactly the same way b/c they dont pick up the bible themselves, they just show up to church on sunday and sleepwalk through the show.
i know this is long, but there are several details and things i have not even mentioned that could make this into a book if i really wanted. secondly, i dont really care if anyone even reads this b/c my hope i suppose is that Jesus is reading it.. and if he isnt then this is worthless anyways.. cause no one on here has the answer im looking for, im sure of that. but ive had it.. with all the false hope ive placed in this savior.
to try and wrap this up because im sure its very long anyways already, much of what ive written is to let others know that i was once a sincere christian. for 3 years i lived for god to the fullest.. i would close my eyes if a commerical came on the tv and its was a beautful woman.. to prevent lust. i would pray for hours.
what is soooo sad to me is that through all my effort to seek Christ, he never helped me until it was too late. finally, when i was about 25 and was sinking into a depression from things i did not mention that occurred from 22-25, i finally came across a verse that made sense of what it meant to be a christian. i finally understood the love of the Father, and Son, and what it truly meant when Jesus went to that cross. not sure what the verse was, i think it was ephesians 2: 8-9 but im not positive. all i know is it was like a lightbulb that went on in my head.. that this is what it truly means.. its GRACE, its UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... that Jesus does not expect me to be perfect, if so Jesus would nvr have had to die on the cross for my sins. Jesus nvr expected me to be perfect, and that there was no reason to really try to be in a sense cause i could never attain righteousness through works.. that may be poor phrasing but Paul explains this in many many of his epistles.
the problem is now.. that ive had soo much pain happen to me.. by turning to Christ prior to truly understanding what it meant to be a Christian, that now it feels my life is ruined. i cant go into detail b/c its just too much. all i know is that what ive experienced i know not even 1% of christians will ever face.
for me, there was one incident with Christ that changed everything.. shortly after being saved or whatever that pastor had me do that evening, it was about 6 months later and i started developing some health issues. i was in great shape, i ran, worked out, and was intending to play basketball for the university.. long story short these health problems became a nightmare for me. this story is very hard to tell, but im gonna to summarize it like this.
i went to the DR. and he had recommended some things be done. things i did not want to do. i was so confused at that time and alot was going on.. and i just wanted the health issues to end. long story short, i did what i thought i was suppose to do as a christian and that was pray. and i prayed.. prayed.. and prayed.. and at that time something i read came to mind.. a book titled to walk on water you have to get out of the boat.. and i felt like thats what jesus wanted me to do.. and at that time i was hearing alot about obedience etc. so i said okay, i will get out of the boat, alas.. not my will be done but your will be done. and i did this in faith. this was prior to understanding about GRACE and the LOVE Christ had for me.
i did what the DR. had asked, and what i felt Christ wanted me to do.. even though i felt like it was not the right decision. and that decision has scarred me for life. it completely backfired on me. there are many details i leave out here, but i put all my faith in him, because i was soo sick of the pain of that health problem and i ignored my own common sense of at least getting a second opinion.
anyways.. the verse Proverbs 3: 5-6 is a bold faced lie. acknowledge HIm in all your ways, and he will make your path straight is a LIE. i did exactly that, and the path im on now is anything but straight. after that decision, i started to realize several other things that i had been doing because i felt like that was WWJD or whatever.. and it was all wrong. i lost soo much, and my life has been forever altered due to it.. not only my life but my families life.. the ones i loved. and the things i wanted to do for them.
i was once a very happy person, and now daily my life is a hell. i had soo much hope in Christ and placed so much faith in him, but when it came time for Jesus to step up to the plate and be counted upon he let me sink. it was a few months after that decision when i was reading the scriptures and finally realized the GRACE and etc. sadly though it was too late, the damage had already been done.
i dont know why ive taken the time to write all this.. and doubt anyone will read it, and thats fine. all i know is if there is some actual God, this letter was intended more for him. Im walking away from the faith, or at least trying very hard to.. for whatever reason i cannot get Jesus out of my life. i think its because i invested so much into him, and completely expected to give him the rest of my life but now i realize he cannot be counted upon in this life or the next. so if i do face him someday i can say ya know i did all i could.. i even wrote this letter making myself out to be a complete fool, being one hundred percent honest about how i feel, and you still do not help me out. you let me continue to go down this ugly, lonely, painful, broken road.
ive put soo much thought into all this my mind is just gone. ive wasted so many talents due to RELIGION. and i know there is a difference b/t RELIGION and a RELATIONSHIP with Christ. for those of you fortunate enough to experience the RELATIONSHIP before the RELIGION consider yourself blessed. but that was not the case for me..
i do not feel sorry for Jesus.. i often feel he had it a heck of alot easier than many of us do on this earth. he was beaten and crucified and got it over with in 3 days. only 3 days is all he had to suffer.. sure the 40 days was awful. but everyday of my life is awful. try 365 days a year, for 9 years straight now of nothing but freaking HELL. i would much prefer to just have it be over with and hung on a cross and die in 3 days than to live with this for everyday, year after year. i was once so healthy, now im sure im likely to die of a heart attack probably before im 50 if i dont make some changes in my life. and i think the most important thing i can do is let go of Christ, which truly seems impossible.
well, ive said alot, and much of this is just venting... and its very censored venting believe me.. cause some of the mean things i have said to Christ would surely get me banned from here if i wrote them down. some of this is a cry for help.. but ive cried out for help for along time and there has been no answer. this is only a very shortened version of my actual story. i cannot put into words the daily hell and darkness ive encounted for the last 250,000 hours or whatever the total would be.
please do not take this the wrong way.. i understand there are so many out here who struggle, with so many things. but how many of you can say that Jesus is the reason your life is horrible. if i had cancer or some other life draining disease i could just say well thats life, and actually turn to jesus to cope. but for me.. i cannot turn to jesus, because he is the reason for my hell, this is all on him.
anyways.. none of this is likley to make any sense.. but dont feel bad, cause i feel the same way. it makes no sense to me why Christ would break a person to the point he has broken me.. when i had wanted to do was help others. i use to sponsor a child with compasssion for example, but due to losing my job, or jobs at this point for health reasons.. or depression i can barely make it myself these days.
the once great potential i had seems long gone. the goals i had and so on. there is no comfort in anything someone could tell me.. like maybe those were not Gods goals.. or blah blah blah... no one truly knows, and no one truly knows what God has in store.
all i know is it seems that God just doesnt care. i write this letter out of complete desparation. ive trashed my bibles, ive given up on prayer, i dont dare enter a church so some pushy pastor can corner me into a room and force me to recite some prayer i have no idea what it means. it truly seems like my life is over.. before it even really began. i have no intention of ending it.. but really wish somedays i could stop breathing. if not for family i would likely go to a beach and become homeless. i think that is where my peace could be found. its like a war everyday in my mind.. and bluntly im exhausted. i have nothing left. i would love to just go to a beach and just forget about life. as long as i have food and a place to live i really dont care. far cry from the goals i once had of getting my MBA and CPA and actually helping my family and as many ppl i could. its sickening to me that there are so many who sit around and waste their lives watching tv or etc.. and here i wanted to do something with mine.. somethhing good and positive and actually help others but yet God strikes me down.. down so much that it would be better to die than live this life.
but i have a mother who has cancer.. what was suppose to be a treatable cancer has anything but.. she has had two surgeries, and it still remains.. and the damage from the surgery to her spinal accessory nerve and throat has taken more of her than anyone as kind as her should ever have to endure. she is only 51 years old.. if i lose her i know its over for me. im done. i will pack up and and head somewhere warm and be a bum. cause i have no motivation anymore to care. ive tried to get back up so many times only to be kicked back down by unforseen circumstances.. its just the weirdest junk that just comes from nowhere. it feels lilke ive won the lottery for all the bad luck in a lifetime a person can handle and then some.
there is no purpose i suppose in this letter, im not really asking for prayer or anything else.. im simply writing this out so that God and all the world can see, that there was a man who gave his all for Christ.. and Christ struck him down to a point where that man despised his life almost to the fullest. i love life.. but not the one ive gained through accepting Christ.
i will likely be struck down again probably for writing this.. but im too a point where i dont care.. my only care is not seeing those i love hurt anymore. as far as my life goes i dont care whether i take another breath or not.. but so those i love most dearly will not feel any more pain, i know i most try to continue on.. no matter how cruel this life and the God i once served can be.
i would appreciate prayers but ive realized God doesnt answer them. all i want i guess from this letter is to know that if I do see Christ face to face there is some form of evidence stating hey.. i tried, i did all a man was capable of.. so where were you Jesus?? where were you.. cause you nvr showed up when i needed you.
and i guess thats the reason for this letter.. b/c he will never show up except only in fairy tales written centruries ago.
in closing, thank you if you were able to read all this, and if you were you must really be a true warrior for Christ. sometimes i have more faith that Christ exists.. because for this much to go wrong there has to a Satan out here playing this living nightmare on me. im truly truly embarrassed by writing a letter like this, ive poured out my soul and heart into this, but as low as i am these days.. pride has no meaning in my life. i know that i was sincere in my faith in seeking Christ, and i have no regret that i condemn Christ for the way in which he has CRUSHED my spirit. i see through the facades of many of those who claim Christ, and can truly say there are very very few individuals who are true to the gospel. this is my last ditch effort to hold up my arms and reach up to Christ for help, my heart has grown cold from the lack of a response from him. im hoping and i mean hoping he will hear this, and answer in a way that only he knows how, that will turn my heart and mind and soul back to him. but i have so little faith that will actually happen. so i ask once more.. please hear my cry Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, place my feet back on the path you have for me, and may heal those near me that i love so dearly. i cannot handle anymore rejection of my prayers. if you have one miracle reserved for the man typing this letter, i think this is as good a time as any to put it to use. but otherwise, it might be in my best interest to walk away and nvr speak of the name of Jesus ever again.
I ask that not be how my story ends. i gave all i had to give to you, and all it seems i received in return was a boatfull of sorrow and misery. if anything ive stated in this letter be false or dishonest.. then may you strike me down harder than any man that has ever walked the face of this earth and i ask that in your name Jesus.
my mind is broken from the agony of these last 10 years. i could go on.. but ive said everything ive needed to say here.
i call out to you Jesus, begging you to fill my heart with some bit of joy, a small amount.. it would feel like the taste of a drop of water to man a in a dessert for days on end. please bring healing to my Mother & Father. and healing to my Brokenness. amen