I have been married for a while, and it has been a rocky relationship, I believe, thanks to me. When my husband and I first started dating almost 5 years ago, I cheated on him. I regret doing it. When the affair happened, my oldest daughter was conceived. I love her with all my heart. Until about two years ago, the guilt finally left. I was able to move on. We became married after she was born. My husband and I had to split for several months after a massive fight back in 2011. We got back together after thanksgiving and worked everything out. In July of 2012, I became pregnant with my second child. She is now three weeks old. During my pregnancy, I made another big mistake - I cheated again. This time, it was due to emotional loneliness. Right after I got pregnant, he started playing video games. I didn't mind them at first, but then it got to be him wanting to play them every single night for hours on end. The time he would spend with me wouldn't equal up to the video game. Time with me was an hour each night, and the time with the game was over 4 hours. I was very lonely. I read, watched movies, tried to keep myself busy. Nothing worked. I was trying to tell a friend of mine what was going on, and he suggested I cone over the next day and talk in person. I did that, and I wish I didn't. Yes, he was there for me, but that was the day I cheated for the second time. I was so ashamed that I kept it a secret. It happened two days before Halloween. My husband found out right on Thanksgiving. He decided to snoop through my emails and then demanded my phone. I confessed. We fought for two days. No matter how many times I said I was sorry, swore I would never do it again, made promises that I have faithfully kept, he is still hanging this over my head. He will not live it down. He has also been very emotionally abusive to me since. He said he has fallen out of love with me, called me names, sexually abused me in a way, and is now making comments about my weight and how my body looks. I just gave birth three weeks ago. I'm not going to look like a super model any time soon. He has asked me a few times when am I going to the gym and when I'm going to start dieting. Two months after he found out, I thought we were on our way to repairing the relationship. Nope. Turns out it was the complete opposite. He was on dating sites, looking for different women and asking if they would be interested in him and if he should get rid of me. I made him get off it. He was also texting a prostitute he found through Craigslist. One month later, he created a new email just so he could have private conversations with women and get on another dating site. He finally deleted the dating site one week before the baby was born. But then I found out he was looking at other women's naked pictures and porn every night for three weeks on his phone without me knowing it. He has stopped. But in the past week, I have wondered if he is going to stray just because I cannot have sex until my postpartum check up. He has forced sex and made me perform oral several times. I'm wondering if this relationship is worth it. I have remained faithful since. I have been to counseling, church, prayed night and day. I'm not sure what else. to do anymore. I am a Christian. I have repented and been baptized. My husband is agnostic.
To be honest, When I read this I wanted to say something really mean and offensive, that was my first thought. And that's not a nice thing. But I've had this happen to me, and to have it happen twice is like a kick in the nuts the first time and then cutting them off the second.
It is a horrendous feeling for a man in a relationship to be cheated on.
We don't get 'talk time' with the guys the same way women do. We get teased and that's men's way of showing each other up, goading each other to 'man up' and not care so much about it. Cause when we do, we seem weak to women in a way. And when we don't care, it means women don't have power over us.
You're husband's irreverence is nothing more than him trying to take away your emotional power over him; because he's so used to you abusing it.
Your husband's response to your infedelity, twice-infidelity, might I add, is to try to hurt you back. He's going on porn sites and texting people, making you jealous and hurting and demeaning you; because that's exactly how you've made him feel.
You went into another man's space, took off your clothes and had the most intimate experience a man and a woman can have together, with someone who isn't the man who loves you.
I don't particularly know what it feels like for a woman; but let me give you insight into how it felt for me.
It felt like I wasn't good enough, initially. I questioned everything about myself. It shattered my self esteem to bits to think my woman chose someone else over me. And it's more than just an emotional thing, it's primal.
When you chose another man to sleep with rather than your husband, you were subconsciously saying 'I don't want your children, I'd rather have someone else's'. Your seed isn't good enough for me. You aren't a worthy man.
And you conceived, and your husband is trying to bring up a child, that you conceived through cheating. A child that isn't his. A child that every day might remind him of how much you rejected him.
You can say 'well he didn't give me what I need', but that just doesn't cut it.
My father once said to me, 'sometimes it isn't about what you get in a relationship, or how good someone else treats you. That's the shallow way to look at things. Sometimes it's about how much you're willing to give. Ask yourself son, what do YOU bring to the table? What do YOU give to HER?
And I'm gonna say the same thing to you. What do you give to your husband?
Because the only thing I've read in your paragraph is a list of reasons why you cheated, twice. And a list of reasons why you really have to TRY to be faithful.
