Marriage Help - Opposite Sex Friends Trouble

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
K

kareemMontreal

Guest
#1
#1
Hello All:

I have encountered an issue in my marriage and would like advice.

We are both religious (I am personally very close to God) and prior to our committment, we made a vowe/promise to only have opposite sex friends for work, education and reglious purposes - and of course, avoiding one on one interactions outside these establishments and exchanging phone numbers.

A problem occured yesterday when we were both laying in bed together, ready to watch a movie.

She received a strange call from a man I have never seen or heard of before and she picked up the phone and began speaking to him, choosing to speak to him rather than spend the little time we have together before we get very busy with work/school.

She begins speaking with him, laughing, smiling ...in her native language and of course, I can hear the man speaking in a 1-900 voice tone that us men only use on women we want/like (I use it on my wife when I am at work).

This call goes on for 10-15 minutes, so I become very iritated and write on the laptop's notepad:
"What are you doing? I thought we made a promise? Why are you talking to another guy while you're in bed with your man?"

She LAUGHS as it's a joke, continues to talk to this man and I continue getting more and more frustrated. It has been 20 minutes and I get so iritated, I leave the room and she continues for 10min+ and doesn't even care to follow me out.

She tells me "it's just a friend" and brushes it off as it's nothing and does not tell me barely anything about him except for his location which is the exact location where she had mentioned at the beginning of her relationship with me that she "almost had a relationship with a guy from France". The entire scenario was shady as hell.

I feel betrayed and disrespected ...I also feel this will lead to more and my trust for her has diminished since she broke our agreement.

I do not want to play detective in the relationship - will I have to now?
 
N

Nathliecollins

Guest
#2
#2
Hi
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#3
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#3
You are posting for marriage help in the singles forum? Well if you really want marriage advice from someone who has never been married I'll try to help you out.

First off I think you should show your wife this post. I think you expressed yourself and your concerns well and having her read what you wrote to us may be a good way to bring up the topic and get your point across to her.

I take it as a good sign that she was perfectly okay talking to this guy in front of you. If she felt any guilt about it at all (like she was conscious of doing your wrong or betraying you) the natural human reaction would be to try to hide it from you. Also unless you are in a situation where you don't get to speak your native language very often, you probably have no idea how good it feels to her to be able to speak her native language with someone. That seriously could have been a big part of her motivation for having this conversation.

Your description of her behavior makes it sound like she may not have been aware of how upset you were getting over this, so give her the benefit of the doubt when you talk it over with her. This may be a good time to do a relationship checkup as well and ask if there are things you can do to make her feel more valued or things you have stopped doing that she really liked you doing for her (and vice versa).

I will agree with you that ex-boyfriends or almost boyfriends shouldn't be allowed to call and chit chat with her privately. But please don't think the worst until you get her side of the story. If she balks or tries to tell you it's none of your business, well it is your business; you are her husband and it is affecting your relationship. Nothing will destroy a relationship faster than secrets from each other and a lack of trust.

All the best for you and I hope this incident gets sorted out and put behind you soon.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#4
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#4
I am married and I think Cinders advice is great. I don't know how long you have been married, but has this ever been an issue before?

Like Cinders said get her side and don't jump to conclusions.

God Bless.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#5
#5
I have to disagree with one thing cinder stated. That just because she was speaking in front of you, it couldn't be bad. If she is speaking in a language you can't understand, and she knows this, then that can override the need to hide. And IF she is doing anything wrong, it may add to the 'rush' of wrong doing.

But i do agree that you need to speak to your wife more seriously about this before anything else. If it continues then that could be a problem, but if she apologizes and quits, then you're going through a lot for nothing.

And yeah, no idea why you're posting marriage problems in the Singles forum. These usually go in the Family forum.
 
W

ww_21

Guest
#6
#6
It's always difficult to see the one you love even flirting with persons of the opposite gender but what it all boils down to is do you trust this woman? Has she ever cheated on you? Do you think she will ever cheat on you? I know it's really weird to see her spend so much time talking to someone but you need to discuss this with her, we are just random people you met on cc who have no idea what the entire story is, there is your side and there is her side.

I know what it's like for a similar circumstance to happen...where I was dating certain people and I would speak other languages to friends even if they were there. It was never anything out of line... it was just easier to speak in their native languages.

I think at the end of the day you need to confront her and trust your instincts. Also, if she knows you have a problem with her speaking to this person, perhaps she will cut off communication with them, God knows I've done it. Seems to me that she is unaware of how/why you're this upset. All I have to say is COMMUNICATION...COMMUNICATION...COMMUNICATION.
 
K

keep_on_smiling

Guest
#7
#7
A promise is a promise. If she's broken it, then I'd be upset too. Ask her what the the promise meant to her. Does she understand what it means to you?

You need to talk with her more about it and be honest with how you feel.

If she isn't giving you more information, then there is a problem. A husband and wife shouldn't hide anything from each other.

Praying that things get sorted out and that you will have the wisdom in how to go about this situation. God bless!
 
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#8
#8
If I were you, my goal would be to communicate about it ASAP. Perhaps she doesn't realize it actually affected you that bad. I know I've personally laughed off situations that someone was really concerned about thinking it wasn't a big deal, not realizing they were actually hurt about it. If she really respects you, she will listen to that and be willing to talk it out. If she tries to flip it around and say your being paranoid and makes light of your concern......THAT's when I would be worried....I wouldn't worry until you've at least made sure she understands your really upset about it and why.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#9
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#9
If I were you I would need to know a lot about this guy. How do they know each other? How often do they talk? WHY are they talking on the phone? If she won't tell you these things, then yes, you have something to be worried about.
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#10
#10
I think YOU also broke the promise by posting this here online to people that you've never met face to face, your wife doesn't know them, she doesn't even know you are complaining about her here online. Actually if I were her, I won't like it at all. Instead of coming here to complain, tell her exactly what you've said to us n' solve this issue together instead of complaining about her behind her back, and telling us that you suspect that she lies to you or she broke her promise. She's your wife, even though we don't know you or her in person, you shouldn't allow anyone to think bad about her or talk bad about her to you. You are allowing the devil to come between the 2 of you. You know her. We don't know either one of you, so we should not advice you how to deal with a situation or an issue between you and your wife. Actually, if I was married and my husband does that, it would have been a serious issue between me and him regardless anything else.
 
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#11
#11
IloveyouGod said:
I think YOU also broke the promise by posting this here online to people that you've never met face to face, your wife doesn't know them, she doesn't even know you are complaining about her here online. Actually if I were her, I won't like it at all. Instead of coming here to complain, tell her exactly what you've said to us n' solve this issue together instead of complaining about her behind her back, and telling us that you suspect that she lies to you or she broke her promise. She's your wife, even though we don't know you or her in person, you shouldn't allow anyone to think bad about her or talk bad about her to you. You are allowing the devil to come between the 2 of you. You know her. We don't know either one of you, so we should not advice you how to deal with a situation or an issue between you and your wife. Actually, if I was married and my husband does that, it would have been a serious issue between me and him regardless anything else.
Click to expand...
Tsk Tsk Sis, the agreement allowed for friends for Religious purposes :p
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#12
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
113
#12
You could get a female friend to call you next time you're getting ready to watch tv and then ignore your wife and talk on the phone with your friend for 20 minutes...
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#13
#13
ha.....what is Tsk Tsk? :D
"The agreement allowed for friends for Religious purposes" Says who? :p


Donkeyfish07 said:
Tsk Tsk Sis, the agreement allowed for friends for Religious purposes :p
Click to expand...
 
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#14
#14
IloveyouGod said:
ha.....what is Tsk Tsk? :D
"The agreement allowed for friends for Religious purposes" Says who? :p
Click to expand...
Says the original poster:

"We are both religious (I am personally very close to God) and prior to our committment, we made a vowe/promise to only have opposite sex friends for work, education and reglious purposes"

Tsk Tsk is just an expression. Like If i told you, sis......keep your hands out of the cookie jar, I'm going to the bathroom. I come out of the bathroom and see you with your hand in the cookie jar. I would say "tsk tsk, bad girl :p"
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#15
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#15
Donkeyfish07 said:
Says the original poster:

"We are both religious (I am personally very close to God) and prior to our committment, we made a vowe/promise to only have opposite sex friends for work, education and reglious purposes"

Tsk Tsk is just an expression. Like If i told you, sis......keep your hands out of the cookie jar, I'm going to the bathroom. I come out of the bathroom and see you with your hand in the cookie jar. I would say "tsk tsk, bad girl :p"
Click to expand...
It always comes back around to cookies, doesn't it. :rolleyes:
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#17
#17
tsk tsk, Now you know English is my second language. :p


Donkeyfish07 said:
Says the original poster:

"We are both religious (I am personally very close to God) and prior to our committment, we made a vowe/promise to only have opposite sex friends for work, education and reglious purposes"

Tsk Tsk is just an expression. Like If i told you, sis......keep your hands out of the cookie jar, I'm going to the bathroom. I come out of the bathroom and see you with your hand in the cookie jar. I would say "tsk tsk, bad girl :p"
Click to expand...
 
C

cmarieh

Guest
#18
#18
kareemMontreal said:
Hello All:

I have encountered an issue in my marriage and would like advice.

We are both religious (I am personally very close to God) and prior to our committment, we made a vowe/promise to only have opposite sex friends for work, education and reglious purposes - and of course, avoiding one on one interactions outside these establishments and exchanging phone numbers.

A problem occured yesterday when we were both laying in bed together, ready to watch a movie.

She received a strange call from a man I have never seen or heard of before and she picked up the phone and began speaking to him, choosing to speak to him rather than spend the little time we have together before we get very busy with work/school.

She begins speaking with him, laughing, smiling ...in her native language and of course, I can hear the man speaking in a 1-900 voice tone that us men only use on women we want/like (I use it on my wife when I am at work).

This call goes on for 10-15 minutes, so I become very iritated and write on the laptop's notepad:
"What are you doing? I thought we made a promise? Why are you talking to another guy while you're in bed with your man?"

She LAUGHS as it's a joke, continues to talk to this man and I continue getting more and more frustrated. It has been 20 minutes and I get so iritated, I leave the room and she continues for 10min+ and doesn't even care to follow me out.

She tells me "it's just a friend" and brushes it off as it's nothing and does not tell me barely anything about him except for his location which is the exact location where she had mentioned at the beginning of her relationship with me that she "almost had a relationship with a guy from France". The entire scenario was shady as hell.

I feel betrayed and disrespected ...I also feel this will lead to more and my trust for her has diminished since she broke our agreement.

I do not want to play detective in the relationship - will I have to now?
Click to expand...
Well, maybe just tell her that you have second thoughts about the agreement that you made with her and want to have your marriage back and not have other people of the opposite sex getting close to either one of you. If she loves you she shouldn't have any problem choosing you over those other men. I will be praying that you and your wife make things right with each other. Good Luck
 
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#19
#19
Grace-Like-Rain said:
It always comes back around to cookies, doesn't it. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
You say that as if you have never conspired to get your hands on my cookies before :p. Haven't you heard the famous quotation?

"Show me a man with unguarded cookies, and I'll show you a man with no cookies" - Me
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#20
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#20
I am devising ways to get your cookies. I admit it. The minute you relax a bit, those cookies are mine.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.