I have a dilemma my husband and I have been married for over 2 years now almost 3,we've had our ups and downs we both made mistakes We've been through domestic violence, infidelity you name it, we forgave each other and started over again and again. my husband has never paid any bills he has always made poor decisions in this household he cleans up but he try not to involve any money. Since he's been here he has not had a job, when my husband finally got saved our church members found him a job, he help out a couple times but never really helped pay bills always spent his money on something he didn't need, mind you I have 2 kids that he chose to take responsibility for, my daughter is in love with him and he is all my son knows because we married while I was pregnant, our families have been in and out of our relationship, both families did not want us together, they tried everything they could we never wanted to leave each other, as I got fed up with him not helping I started telling him that I didn't not want him there because it was stressful and he was not helping, so every argument I would tell him to leave my house, sometimes he left for days until our church members started to counsel us, he stopped leaving and said that he would look for a job and start helping out. We'll one day he lost a family member and decided to walk out, we had no confrontation he just left, he called a few days later and told me he wanted to work on our marriage but he wanted to separate and leave temporarily for Texas, his sister lives in Texas so I assume he's following her, I told him I did not want to separate I just wanted him to help, he says that he is just going to become a truck driver and make money then send for us, but I don't think he is really considering us, he told me that he didn't really want to leave but he doesn't trust my word that I will not tell him to get out of my house anymore it's so confusing so I told him he had a decision to make and that if he leaves for Texas I would divorce and not wait on him because I refuse to be his second choice and not a priority in his life, he choose Texas anyways and I am really hurt, he says that he believes God will bring us closer together by this separation, but I think that he is using that as an excuse. I always question if God is trying to remove him from my life, because I thought that he wanted to fix our marriage, but I don't really know what to do or think, I do believe that God would fix it but my husband has to want it to be fixed and leaving for Texas will only make it worse, because I feel that he is leaving his wife for money and his sister and I feel like if he leaves he doesn't really care about me and my kids. Help me please I'm sorry I'm writing a lot but I'm so confused about this. What do I do? I really do love him and I don't want him to leave but he says he's leaving in 2 days.
Your husband lost a member of his family. He didn't leave because of you, per se, but only went to get some space for his head.
I could compare it to this; if I live with my wife and we are having issues, there is a frustration and a tendency for arguments, and my father dies, I will only want all that frustration and argumentativeness to disappear. I won't want to be around it because I need support and not demands. In such a case, I would expect my wife to dissolve all her issues with me, at least for a while, and to simply support me through my grief.
So, perhaps you might ask whether you gave the same support to your husband that you ask from him always.
I can understand your view too. You feel like your family is on unsteady foundations since your husband doesn't seem to want to work or to do things to support your family. Yet at the same time, it's the 21st century. What's stopping you getting a job?
It may be the case that your husband is depressed, and perhaps you are too. The last thing the both of you need right now is more pressures and arguments. Marriages are supposed to involve emotional and mental support, more than any other thing. It is completely possible for a married couple to have no money, live off land and to be very happy, but only with emotional and mental support from one another.
On the other hand, t's impossible for a married couple with all the money in the world, to be happy with one another if there is no emotional and mental support, no real compassion, empathy and understanding for one another.
The basis for marriage is not money, although in our society money can be quite important if it is made to be. The basis for a happy marriage is compassion, is to think of the other person as you would yourself, to love the other person more than you love yourself, to give to the other person more than you demand from them.
That's where you need to begin.
I understand there are certain expectations in today's society, particularly within christian families; that a man should win bread, that he should be strong, that a wife should encourage him to be so. But encouragement is not the same as a demand.
Your marriage needs to revolve around compassion though, not popular structure.
You say you would often tell you husband to leave during arguments. Why is that? do you think that this practice then, of leaving, has just become a normal thing for him to do? Do you think you may have played a part in that?
As for the arguments themselves, what are they based on, when it boils down. Are they truly based on the fact that your husband doesn't work, or the fact that you are demanding of him rather than trying to understand the reasons for all your disagreements? That is to say, if perhaps you could begin to understand that argument in itself makes for unhappiness and enmity between a couple, that you might understand that real emotional and mental support between the two of you may see your marriage flourish into something of much more worth than it is currently.
I remember having arguments with my partner in the past, and what I realized was that the more we argued, the less we wanted to listen to one another. The more demands and pressures were placed, the less we desired to meet them and overcome them.
Pressure always comes from the outside world. Always. Everyday there is pressure in society for a man to be a certain way and do certain things, and likewise for a woman. But you mustn't let your home become a hotbed for pressure. The home has to be somewhere that a person can come to relieve pressure, to feel loved and to feel cherished and understood. And you need to begin thinking like that.
There is an old saying; 'If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading'.