Need some advice... Hopeless in love with a friend... :(

[littlelady]

Hi all,

Firstly - thank you for taking a moment to click on this post. You've found me in a rough place. I have a friend, who has a girlfriend, but who I have fallen in love with. I can't shake it off, even though I know full well how destructive and foolish it is to allow these feelings and thoughts to linger and fester. They keep growing, and he is a genuine friend who cares for me as a friend should; completely naive to the fact that he is breaking my heart by his very friendship. I would talk to him and explain that being his friend is hurting me and actually making me a little crazy and unbalanced; but like I say he has a girlfriend, who is lovely and also a friend of mine (I know, I am horrible). Hence why I am posting this anonymous post on a little corner of the internet where nobody knows me - I can't talk to my friends as they know both of them and I am too ashamed. I am going to try and distance myself from him, but the thing is we are both from the same church, friendship group, and youth team within the group. I see him at least three times a week for church and/or youth related things, and potentially a fourth time some weeks (for church stuff again). In avoiding him, I will be stepping back from youth things that I really enjoy being involved in - simply because I don't have the willpower to avoid him if we are in the same place at the same time - and to be fair we are part of the same team so kind of need to talk and pray together anyway. There is one thing each week that I can forego but I don't want to lose the rest of these things as I love them and the young people I am with during them. I don't understand what is happening, why God is allowing these feelings to be in my heart. Maybe I am not as sincere as I think I am when I ask Him to take them away? Maybe part of me doesn't want to let go of this love I hide away, for whatever crazy reason. Maybe I am fighting God here without even knowing it.

If you have made it to this point - thank you even more than the first time. I really appreciate you sticking with me. Any advice or encouragement would be amazing, my heart desperately needs it right now.

 

[maxwel]

Littlelady,

Sometimes women are more open to discuss personal issues over in the Women's Forum.
We have some mature Christian women there who are wise in the scripture and happy to chat and pray for people.
I recommend you make a post in the women's forum... that might be really helpful.

I would also recommend you visit the live chat, if you haven't done that before.

Take care,
Max

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

LittleLady, welcome to CC. What a tough situation to find yourself in. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. First, I want to say that you are NOT horrible. You are obviously a woman who treasures the Lord and wants what is right in his eyes. Developing feelings for this man was not wrong. It's what you do with them that counts. Continue to pray for God to hold you up, strengthen your resolve, and show you ways to set up boundaries so that you can be careful.

I know this would be terribly difficult, but I think it would be wise to tell at least one female friend or mentor about this. Not because you've done anything wrong, but so that they can help keep you accountable, encourage you and give you support and advice. Also, because often when these feelings are out in the "open" a bit more, they are easier to fight, and may fade away.

I'm praying for you right now. Hang in there!

 

[littlelady]

LittleLady, welcome to CC. What a tough situation to find yourself in. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. First, I want to say that you are NOT horrible. You are obviously a woman who treasures the Lord and wants what is right in his eyes. Developing feelings for this man was not wrong. It's what you do with them that counts. Continue to pray for God to hold you up, strengthen your resolve, and show you ways to set up boundaries so that you can be careful.

I know this would be terribly difficult, but I think it would be wise to tell at least one female friend or mentor about this. Not because you've done anything wrong, but so that they can help keep you accountable, encourage you and give you support and advice. Also, because often when these feelings are out in the "open" a bit more, they are easier to fight, and may fade away.

I'm praying for you right now. Hang in there!

Thank you so much for this reply, it is so encouraging and helpful! Practical too, which is also very much needed of course You are wonderful - I will take all of your advice and use it <3 Thank you especially for your prayers!

 

[littlelady]

Littlelady,

Sometimes women are more open to discuss personal issues over in the Women's Forum.
We have some mature Christian women there who are wise in the scripture and happy to chat and pray for people.
I recommend you make a post in the women's forum... that might be really helpful.

I would also recommend you visit the live chat, if you haven't done that before.

Take care,
Max

Thank you Max, this was very helpful. I hadn't seen the ladies forum - I have posted there also

 

[blue_ladybug]

Could you please use paragraphs to break up your posts next time? That makes it easier for those of us with bad eyes, to read what you posted.

I think distancing yourself from this guy is probably the best thing to do.

 

[zeroturbulence]

He has to be doing things that are making you feel special, understood, etc.... That sort of thing usually ends up with the guy in the friendzone... unless the guy is good-looking, then things get turned around... Now you are in the friendzone (instead of the guy) and there is no escaping, unfortunately... Trying to squash the feelings you have for him while still being good friends with him will probably be close to impossible.

 

[laura_charlotte]

You sound incredibly infatuated and are overanalysing this to the point where you're developing all these unnecessary painstaking hangups. Find a constructive outlet in a job or pastimes, be healthy and move on with your life by being happy where God directs you.

 

[Gracechangesme]

Hi LittleLady!

I know you're in a tough situation. Maybe, God is trying to expose your heart. He wants you to see what is really in it. And He wants it to be wholly for Him.
I've been in a situation where I fell for my co-worker. We see each other everyday because we are working in the same place, and we have the same friends. In my case, we're both single. But I know that we're not ready for a commitment yet. He never lay down his intention, and I just knew him for a year during that time.
It was very hard to avoid him because we were close. But I was also aware that my heart was totally divided. I always talk to God about him, and I was consumed because of him. Then, I also realized that it doesn't honor God anymore. The place in my heart that is meant for God was given to someone.
Until one time, we had a conflict. I made a decision not to always go with them. I really spent time with the Lord. I devoted myself in prayer, Bible-reading, ministry, and work. After a few months, God gave me the opportunity to focus in my ministry. And there, by God's grace, I would say I had moved on.

You can do it girl! God bless.

*Seek the Lord with all your heart and you will find Him.
*There is a time for everything.
*Delight in the works of the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

 

[littlelady]

Hi LittleLady!

I know you're in a tough situation. Maybe, God is trying to expose your heart. He wants you to see what is really in it. And He wants it to be wholly for Him.
I've been in a situation where I fell for my co-worker. We see each other everyday because we are working in the same place, and we have the same friends. In my case, we're both single. But I know that we're not ready for a commitment yet. He never lay down his intention, and I just knew him for a year during that time.
It was very hard to avoid him because we were close. But I was also aware that my heart was totally divided. I always talk to God about him, and I was consumed because of him. Then, I also realized that it doesn't honor God anymore. The place in my heart that is meant for God was given to someone.
Until one time, we had a conflict. I made a decision not to always go with them. I really spent time with the Lord. I devoted myself in prayer, Bible-reading, ministry, and work. After a few months, God gave me the opportunity to focus in my ministry. And there, by God's grace, I would say I had moved on.

You can do it girl! God bless.

*Seek the Lord with all your heart and you will find Him.
*There is a time for everything.
*Delight in the works of the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Thank you so much for this response, it is very insightful and helpful - and I took real encouragement from it. I have given myself a challenge of every time I think about him redirecting my thoughts to God instead and praying - about this or anything at all. These small snippets of extra prayer can only be a blessing and will help me to stop indulging in pointless daydreams. I am also taking a step back from our friendship - we are not super close, but we do spend quite a lot of time together as I mentioned (in a group) and message a lot which I am going to withdraw from. I don't want to play games or be cold with him, but I know in my heart that I need some distance to clear my head and focus my heart where it should be - on God. The time I would normally spend with him in our group I am going to take for quiet God time instead. I will still see them of course, but not as frequently, and I will need to strengthen myself in not focusing on him so much in these settings. I loved reading your story - I hope God will do the same for me! God bless you for your kindness in advising me

 

[littlelady]

Thank you for all of your responses, they have been helpful! I went to youth club as normal tonight rather than withdrawing and God really blessed in seeing some young people I hadn't for some time, some great conversations, and also some great chat with fellow leaders and friends which took me away from this guy for most of the night. He invited us back to his house after and I said no I was too tired, which was hard to do when I wanted to be there but I felt much better for it actually. I don't want to mess about or damage our friendship but these feelings are damaging it already. He has already messaged me twice tonight cause I didn't go round but I haven't replied yet. I know I need to invest more in God than I have been this guy, and that if I give it to God He will work in it all.

Thank you for your time, prayers, and advice!

 

[cinder]

Well, I'd like to give you some advice, but you sound like you're already pretty much on the right track. I'll reiterate what Grace said in that you absolutely are not horrible to be attracted to a good, godly, guy even if he does have a girlfriend. In fact your desire to do right and honor both him and God in this situation (rather than trying to break him and his girlfriend up so you can have him) points to a whole lot of goodness and righteousness in you.

As to practical steps you can take to deal with your feelings, here's some of what has worked for me in the past in similar situations:

1) Cling extremely tightly in faith to the fact that God is out to do you good, Psalm 84:11 says "The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." So if this is something God is keeping from you, trust that no matter how good it looks to you, God knows better and knows that it would not be good.

2) Do what you can to distance yourself enough that you naturally just kind of drift apart a bit. This means not initiating any personal private conversations and trying to keep those conversations you need to have focused on the business at hand. If he's really worried about you and constantly sending personal messages to you, you may need to tell him something along the lines of you've been thinking recently and become convicted that you need to avoid such activities that would build closeness with him out of respect for his girlfriend and their relationship. That you don't want to inadvertently give her any cause for concern. Basically he's in a relationship and you've been convicted that personal private conversations aren't appropriate for the two of you to be engaging in.

3) Pray through it. It may seem like sabotaging yourself but if you keep praying that he would be blessed with the best God has for him in his life, then a lot of these things that are personally difficult for you, God can come back and say "What if this is my best for him and the answer to your prayers?"

4) When God trusts you by putting you in a difficult situation with this guy, take it as a compliment. I was in a place before where through no maneuvering of my own I was put in a position with a crush that was difficult and when I complained about it, God was just like, I know you and I know you can be trusted in this situation and you need to know that you can be trusted in this situation and you have more character than to go off the deep end at the first sign of temptation. So don't seek the situations that exacerbate your feelings, but don't stress or fear them either, you will get though them in a godly way and show yourself to be a true friend and a godly woman. Just keep doing right in the situation you are in today.

OK that's all I've got. All the best to you and may the stress and crazy soon be a thing of the past.

 

[NicoleWilliams]

Hi, LittleLady. How are you today? It sounds as if this guy has made quite an impression on you! I can certainly understand your situation – and I know it’s not easy to deal with such feelings. If you haven’t already done this, I think it would be a good idea if you can discuss your circumstances with another Christian adult you trust and respect – someone like your church youth director. One reason God has put these people into your life is to help you with situations like the one you’re facing. It’s possible that they had similar experiences when they were your age and would have some valuable insight to share. They could pray with you about this matter, too. I just said a prayer for you – so hang in there. Hugs!

 

[CatHerder]

Hi there!

First of all - don't beat yourself up for having strong feelings for the guy. As it's been said before here, it's what you do with those feelings that is important. And yes, I know this from first hand experience:

While newly separated and going through the process of an unwanted divorce, I let my guard down and developed feelings for a friend from church. I didn't say or do anything to let her know about this because I felt like the worst Christian on the planet for having a failed marriage and then having feelings for a married woman. During one of our conversations, she let me know that she and her husband had separated after a big fight. Although the separation was short-lived (and they are still going strong to this day), the news of it was enough to make me go a little crazy and strengthened the feelings I already had for her.
I felt ashamed to have those feelings, and also realized that I was in a weird emotional state due to going through a divorce, and what with being technically married and all, I didn't act on my feelings toward her. I asked God to take away my feelings for her. He didn't at first. I ran into her at the video store and I was trying not to be awkward in a short discussion about the movies we were renting. I ran into her in the produce section of the grocery store and ended up mumbling something about organic celery. When I began praying for her marriage, I stopped running into her so often while out in the community. I also began to think of her as a friend again. I've moved from that community and church since, but occasionally I will see her and I'm happy to say that I can have a normal conversation with her and not feel any guilt or shame. I think that God restored my boundaries when I began to pray for her marriage. So yes, God does answer prayer if you truly give the situation over to him.

Anyway, I don't know if this helps - my friend being married and your friends not being married puts things in a different situation. But there are still boundaries which you need to observe. It looks like you have been doing a good job of that by turning down the invitation to go to his place. I just want you to stop beating yourself up over having feelings for the guy. From what you have posted, it looks as if you have acted honorably and admirably in this situation.

 

[AmmaBev]

I feel for you. I remember being in a similar situation so I asked God to show me his negatives. Pretty soon I wasn't interested in him any longer. This really worked! He pointed out all his faults.
Women like to fantasize about the "perfect" mate but that is not realistic.. you know no one is perfect except Jesus. Feelings are deceptive. Right now you are in hiding with your feelings for him which are causing shame and guilt. Please confide in a good friend to hold you accountable. This is not love. Love is thinking of the other person. This is a huge test of your faith now and you need to pray and ask God to change your heart and confess to a good friend. You will be stronger in the end and have learned valuable lessons on life and love. AmmaBev