K
Ok........sigh. I am effeminate, and just like a double edge sword, it has its ups and downs. The problem I'm having is that I can picture myself in the future, happily married and with a loving wife and children (twins hopefully lol) but I dont think that I am going to be manly enough to take on struggles. In Jamaica being girly is worst than being gay, they get it twisted so I have been bullied and its not the best experience. Then I was stupid enough to "start experimenting with the same gender" and.......................................................................... i liked it. For once I could be myself and have people love me and I didn't feel insecure or weak and what I need most which is protection, I got that! but then my Christianity started pounding me in my face because it reached so bad that even at church i'd all of a sudden look at my pastor or even church brother and "feel excited" and I felt embarrassed (nobody knows only me). I keep praying but I don't now what to pray for? when I was experimenting I made a couple friends (and bf) and since I changed (blocking all of them and doing some serious fasting) or so I say, I dont know what to do about them. I dont want to leave them and they go and die in sin but at the same time I dont wanna go back down that road (or so I say which is my worst problem, my experimenting got wayy too deep). I dont wanna go to Hell. but I feel like I can try to convert a few them idk...... honestly.
I just graduated from High School ( youngest of my class lol 16 ) and I have a big life ahead and I keep on asking myself
Am I ready for bigger tempations?
Why cant I seperate my fleshy desires from my spiritual ones?
Why is it that a part of me wants to go back?
Why cant I tell my family (mom and dad ) about this?
Will I ever be a good husband! or boyfriend! because I always break up with my girlfriends because I feel that I am not fulfilling my role, or that because I have a crush on her brother or that she will break my heart?
Why cant I be normal?
Why do people judge me and call me fag, drag queen, sissy or whateva even when I am not!
Why are things so complicated??
Whats up with the horrible mood swings!!
I need help lol, like ALOT but idk............sigh............ I just dont know whats happening or who I am anymore? A part of me does this, another wants that, why can't i go to church and feel comfortable especially when we have visitors who are attractive?
How can I make God my main source, just like how my ex(bf) was for me??
Why does God love me when all I do is mess up? Time is running out and I really really dont wanna go to hell! And if that wasnt bad enough I have a fear of painful death, so I just feel like i'm gonna get ganged and "forced" and killed! Especially in a very gay hostile country..... sigh
I just graduated from High School ( youngest of my class lol 16 ) and I have a big life ahead and I keep on asking myself
Am I ready for bigger tempations?
Why cant I seperate my fleshy desires from my spiritual ones?
Why is it that a part of me wants to go back?
Why cant I tell my family (mom and dad ) about this?
Will I ever be a good husband! or boyfriend! because I always break up with my girlfriends because I feel that I am not fulfilling my role, or that because I have a crush on her brother or that she will break my heart?
Why cant I be normal?
Why do people judge me and call me fag, drag queen, sissy or whateva even when I am not!
Why are things so complicated??
Whats up with the horrible mood swings!!
I need help lol, like ALOT but idk............sigh............ I just dont know whats happening or who I am anymore? A part of me does this, another wants that, why can't i go to church and feel comfortable especially when we have visitors who are attractive?
How can I make God my main source, just like how my ex(bf) was for me??
Why does God love me when all I do is mess up? Time is running out and I really really dont wanna go to hell! And if that wasnt bad enough I have a fear of painful death, so I just feel like i'm gonna get ganged and "forced" and killed! Especially in a very gay hostile country..... sigh