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I'm hoping by writing all of this on here, and maybe even getting some advice or help or opinions in return, I'll start to feel normal in my relationship again.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, and were very good friends for 6 months before that. Both of us are taking it very seriously, and wouldn't be in a relationship if we didn't think it had the potential to lead to marriage; for that reason we're also very open about our lives.
Last night he admitted to me that he struggles with porn. He wanted to tell me, he didn't think it was fair that I didn't know. He told me that he has accountability set up with a group of people, that he wants to stop but finds it really difficult. I knew how hard it had been for him to tell me, it took a good half an hour of hugging in silence with him opening and shutting his mouth for him to actually say it, but now it's all I can think about.
A bit more background of our relationship would be useful at this point. I'm a new(ish) Christian. I grew up in a Christian family but left God and everything that went with him behind when I was around 14. It took until I was almost 21 to let myself be saved by him again, that was a year and a half ago now. My bf has been a Christian all of his adult(and teenage) life. Almost as soon as we met each other we became inseparable, but he had hang ups from an ex girlfriend that needed to be worked through. While friends, we didn't talk about the obvious attraction we had for each other, we just spent all our time together getting to know each other as people. I felt that I wanted to be my own self in God before committing to someone, and he felt that he should be sure he was ready to move on.
From getting together 6 months ago, our relationship has escalated dramatically. I knew he was important to me, that he was unlike any other guy I'd been interested in before, but I didn't realise just how quickly he'd become an integral part of my life.
I'd like to say now that there is a distinct lack in reading material on the do's and don'ts of Christian dating. I've trawled through the internet looking for any specific advice, such as what's okay to do intimacy wise (no info apart from 'don't have sex'). If you're engaged or married, there are entire websites dedicated to relieving your confusion; but if you're 'pre engagement' then you're pretty much in it alone.
So all of what I've said so far is pretty much giving you the outline, in order to possibly understand what I'm asking about, and what I'm struggling with. I've always felt like I'm the half of the couple with issues, I'm the one with skeletons in my closet and who's had to fight through many a difficult conversation, because I love him, and I want him to know who I really am. So when he sat me down and said he had something he needed to tell me, and that he wasn't sure how I'd feel about it, I was running through all sorts of scary things in my mind, but none of them seemed possible with him. He's such a good man of God, he's been a worship pastor at our church and is always the one to remind us to pray together or spend time with God together. The image of him sitting at his computer watching porn, and masturbating to it, just doesn't quite fit in my head. I've never (pre Christian) had any big problem with porn, and haven't thought about it much in the last year, so the way I felt when he told me surprised me. I felt hurt.
A non Christian guy choosing to watch it wouldn't bother me, but he knows that it's wrong and yet has such a big issue with it that he literally cannot resist. I've liked being able to think that if we do get married, I'll be his only sexual partner, his only sexual experience, it takes a massive expectations-based weight off me. But now I feel, and this is such a cliche, like I'll have to compete with 'porn-girls'; and only porn girls, because he has no experience of 'real girls' in that area.
I've chosen to be cool about it. I don't want him feeling judged, or feeling that he's hurt me, or feeling that he can't talk to me about it. I want to talk about it with him, and fight through some of the reasons behind why he finds it so difficult to resist, but I don't know what the right things to say are, or the right ways to bring it up. I'm just finding it so much more difficult than I expected, it's on my mind all the time. This is probably made worse by the fact that I have nobody I can talk about it with, because it wouldn't be fair on him if I told anyone else about it.
This hasn't changed how I feel about him, but it has made me panicky about the fact that he's a big believer in long engagements. The passion with which we already want each other isn't something I want to lose, but it's also not something I can handle on a daily basis for another 2+ years. I, in no way, want to rush making a commitment, but I do worry that 2 more years or so of us wanting to be together and not being able to, isn't going to help with the porn watching...
Has anyone got any advice or input or experience in this? I feel so alone with not being able to talk to anyone.
I have so much more I could say, and more I could ask, but this is already an essay.... Thank you so much for reading if you've managed to get through it all.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, and were very good friends for 6 months before that. Both of us are taking it very seriously, and wouldn't be in a relationship if we didn't think it had the potential to lead to marriage; for that reason we're also very open about our lives.
Last night he admitted to me that he struggles with porn. He wanted to tell me, he didn't think it was fair that I didn't know. He told me that he has accountability set up with a group of people, that he wants to stop but finds it really difficult. I knew how hard it had been for him to tell me, it took a good half an hour of hugging in silence with him opening and shutting his mouth for him to actually say it, but now it's all I can think about.
A bit more background of our relationship would be useful at this point. I'm a new(ish) Christian. I grew up in a Christian family but left God and everything that went with him behind when I was around 14. It took until I was almost 21 to let myself be saved by him again, that was a year and a half ago now. My bf has been a Christian all of his adult(and teenage) life. Almost as soon as we met each other we became inseparable, but he had hang ups from an ex girlfriend that needed to be worked through. While friends, we didn't talk about the obvious attraction we had for each other, we just spent all our time together getting to know each other as people. I felt that I wanted to be my own self in God before committing to someone, and he felt that he should be sure he was ready to move on.
From getting together 6 months ago, our relationship has escalated dramatically. I knew he was important to me, that he was unlike any other guy I'd been interested in before, but I didn't realise just how quickly he'd become an integral part of my life.
I'd like to say now that there is a distinct lack in reading material on the do's and don'ts of Christian dating. I've trawled through the internet looking for any specific advice, such as what's okay to do intimacy wise (no info apart from 'don't have sex'). If you're engaged or married, there are entire websites dedicated to relieving your confusion; but if you're 'pre engagement' then you're pretty much in it alone.
So all of what I've said so far is pretty much giving you the outline, in order to possibly understand what I'm asking about, and what I'm struggling with. I've always felt like I'm the half of the couple with issues, I'm the one with skeletons in my closet and who's had to fight through many a difficult conversation, because I love him, and I want him to know who I really am. So when he sat me down and said he had something he needed to tell me, and that he wasn't sure how I'd feel about it, I was running through all sorts of scary things in my mind, but none of them seemed possible with him. He's such a good man of God, he's been a worship pastor at our church and is always the one to remind us to pray together or spend time with God together. The image of him sitting at his computer watching porn, and masturbating to it, just doesn't quite fit in my head. I've never (pre Christian) had any big problem with porn, and haven't thought about it much in the last year, so the way I felt when he told me surprised me. I felt hurt.
A non Christian guy choosing to watch it wouldn't bother me, but he knows that it's wrong and yet has such a big issue with it that he literally cannot resist. I've liked being able to think that if we do get married, I'll be his only sexual partner, his only sexual experience, it takes a massive expectations-based weight off me. But now I feel, and this is such a cliche, like I'll have to compete with 'porn-girls'; and only porn girls, because he has no experience of 'real girls' in that area.
I've chosen to be cool about it. I don't want him feeling judged, or feeling that he's hurt me, or feeling that he can't talk to me about it. I want to talk about it with him, and fight through some of the reasons behind why he finds it so difficult to resist, but I don't know what the right things to say are, or the right ways to bring it up. I'm just finding it so much more difficult than I expected, it's on my mind all the time. This is probably made worse by the fact that I have nobody I can talk about it with, because it wouldn't be fair on him if I told anyone else about it.
This hasn't changed how I feel about him, but it has made me panicky about the fact that he's a big believer in long engagements. The passion with which we already want each other isn't something I want to lose, but it's also not something I can handle on a daily basis for another 2+ years. I, in no way, want to rush making a commitment, but I do worry that 2 more years or so of us wanting to be together and not being able to, isn't going to help with the porn watching...
Has anyone got any advice or input or experience in this? I feel so alone with not being able to talk to anyone.
I have so much more I could say, and more I could ask, but this is already an essay.... Thank you so much for reading if you've managed to get through it all.