I
"Life's unfair, get used to it."
A short sentence that has been replaying in my head all my life. It spoke the ugly truth of life but it was always what I've been holding on to. Less expectations, less hurt. I was careful enough to not associate myself with people who might leave me in the end. I have friends but I don't really care much about them. I have a thinking that everyone will leave me sooner or later. Yes, I have issues. Don't judge me tho. I've been bombarded with expectations since I was little. I was expected to excel at everything I do. Studies, sports, music even friendship. I needed to have more friends so I can share the wonderful gift of Christ. Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord but I don't think that it helped that I was expected to share His Word at a young age (without even understanding it myself) I felt pressured to do my best every single time. I got tired. I didn't wanna be the perfect kid. I wanted to go on with life without the fear of being left simply because you aren't good enough.
I was a pastor's kid. I'll tell you why I used was but not now. The story's just starting.
Let me tell you about my childhood. I was told that I was born somewhere in Manila (Philippines) but we're not really sure. Anyways I was sent to Bataan for adoption. Yep, I'm adopted (Surprise!) I can say that I have a good childhood, not the greatest tho. I spent my days with my cousins and aunts. My parents were too busy to take care of me. My mom had a job back then and my dad was an assistant at a church. I wasn't really complaining about them being gone. I understood. Besides, I was happy with the company of my cousins.
Years later, we moved into another house so I had to say goodbye to my lovely cousins. My dad became a pastor which was very hard for us since they didn't have an income and the company that my mom was working in, shut down. So I guess you can say that we were living by faith. We had a rough start, financially, but it all turned out well after a few years. I even had the chance to study in a private school.
I did have a lot of bad memories at that school. A lot. Despite of the 8 years I've been there, I felt like I didn't belong there. I was bullied and I still didn't have the strength to stand up for myself. I was scared and I didn't know what I was scared of. I wasn't scared of the bullies. I wasn't even scared of the teachers. Then I realized I was scared of breaking myself. I was always a positive girl and I didn't want it to change just because of some stupid bullies. But then, Grade 4, I snapped. I was so mad that I forgot what I was mad about but let's just say I kicked a guy because, well, I got tired of being the good girl. At that time, I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was scared of not knowing who I'll be after that so I went with it. I became a bully for 3 years and at last we had to move again but this time it was farther from my hometown. I found a chance. A chance to start over. To be who I thought I wanted to be.
I was an on and off Christian. There was some days I'll be like "I wanna serve the Lord" but mostly "Too tired to give my all for Christ." My parents made sure that I was on the right track so I didn't have the freedom that I wanted. Sometimes I would even blame Him for not allowing me to experience a worldly life. I wasn't the best kid ever and my parents never understood me. I became depressed but no one knew about it. I ate a lot because of stress and sometimes I would never eat at all. i even cut myself. I was so lost and I didn't know who I am anymore. i didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore.
My dad, however, didn't understand how the pressure is affecting me. He assigned me to be a worship leader at a church that we were working on. I didn't want to serve Him yet because I felt like I didn't deserve to be in His presence at all but God has a different plan for me and it was much better.
So I was forced into worship leading but I was so thankful for my team. They loved all my imperfections. I felt accepted. I felt home. For the first time, I felt understood. They led me in the right direction and I gave my life to the Lord completely. I got into His Word. I had my daily devotions. Everything was perfect and I was finally happy and contented but being comfortable can kill you. Something happened that caused me be away from them. My dad, the head pastor, gave in to temptation. He was seeing another woman behind my mother's back. I became a witness to their endless fights and I was back to who I was and it became worse. I didn't wanna be involved with people anymore. I became a heartless person. When my dad left, I didn't even cry. I didn't talk to God for months but I was constantly craving for His presence.
I was sent back to Bataan and I became a worship leader at a local church. I put on this front that I had a perfect Christian life. I gave them encouragements that i knew I needed. I wasn't honest with myself and I wasn't honest with them. I needed to let this out somehow and now here I am. A "Christian" who doesn't know how to cope up with life. I don't know where to find the answers. I still have my daily devotions. I still pray. I even talk to people how I'm feeling but they say the same thing "Just pray about it." Honestly it doesn't help.
A short sentence that has been replaying in my head all my life. It spoke the ugly truth of life but it was always what I've been holding on to. Less expectations, less hurt. I was careful enough to not associate myself with people who might leave me in the end. I have friends but I don't really care much about them. I have a thinking that everyone will leave me sooner or later. Yes, I have issues. Don't judge me tho. I've been bombarded with expectations since I was little. I was expected to excel at everything I do. Studies, sports, music even friendship. I needed to have more friends so I can share the wonderful gift of Christ. Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord but I don't think that it helped that I was expected to share His Word at a young age (without even understanding it myself) I felt pressured to do my best every single time. I got tired. I didn't wanna be the perfect kid. I wanted to go on with life without the fear of being left simply because you aren't good enough.
I was a pastor's kid. I'll tell you why I used was but not now. The story's just starting.
Let me tell you about my childhood. I was told that I was born somewhere in Manila (Philippines) but we're not really sure. Anyways I was sent to Bataan for adoption. Yep, I'm adopted (Surprise!) I can say that I have a good childhood, not the greatest tho. I spent my days with my cousins and aunts. My parents were too busy to take care of me. My mom had a job back then and my dad was an assistant at a church. I wasn't really complaining about them being gone. I understood. Besides, I was happy with the company of my cousins.
Years later, we moved into another house so I had to say goodbye to my lovely cousins. My dad became a pastor which was very hard for us since they didn't have an income and the company that my mom was working in, shut down. So I guess you can say that we were living by faith. We had a rough start, financially, but it all turned out well after a few years. I even had the chance to study in a private school.
I did have a lot of bad memories at that school. A lot. Despite of the 8 years I've been there, I felt like I didn't belong there. I was bullied and I still didn't have the strength to stand up for myself. I was scared and I didn't know what I was scared of. I wasn't scared of the bullies. I wasn't even scared of the teachers. Then I realized I was scared of breaking myself. I was always a positive girl and I didn't want it to change just because of some stupid bullies. But then, Grade 4, I snapped. I was so mad that I forgot what I was mad about but let's just say I kicked a guy because, well, I got tired of being the good girl. At that time, I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was scared of not knowing who I'll be after that so I went with it. I became a bully for 3 years and at last we had to move again but this time it was farther from my hometown. I found a chance. A chance to start over. To be who I thought I wanted to be.
I was an on and off Christian. There was some days I'll be like "I wanna serve the Lord" but mostly "Too tired to give my all for Christ." My parents made sure that I was on the right track so I didn't have the freedom that I wanted. Sometimes I would even blame Him for not allowing me to experience a worldly life. I wasn't the best kid ever and my parents never understood me. I became depressed but no one knew about it. I ate a lot because of stress and sometimes I would never eat at all. i even cut myself. I was so lost and I didn't know who I am anymore. i didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore.
My dad, however, didn't understand how the pressure is affecting me. He assigned me to be a worship leader at a church that we were working on. I didn't want to serve Him yet because I felt like I didn't deserve to be in His presence at all but God has a different plan for me and it was much better.
So I was forced into worship leading but I was so thankful for my team. They loved all my imperfections. I felt accepted. I felt home. For the first time, I felt understood. They led me in the right direction and I gave my life to the Lord completely. I got into His Word. I had my daily devotions. Everything was perfect and I was finally happy and contented but being comfortable can kill you. Something happened that caused me be away from them. My dad, the head pastor, gave in to temptation. He was seeing another woman behind my mother's back. I became a witness to their endless fights and I was back to who I was and it became worse. I didn't wanna be involved with people anymore. I became a heartless person. When my dad left, I didn't even cry. I didn't talk to God for months but I was constantly craving for His presence.
I was sent back to Bataan and I became a worship leader at a local church. I put on this front that I had a perfect Christian life. I gave them encouragements that i knew I needed. I wasn't honest with myself and I wasn't honest with them. I needed to let this out somehow and now here I am. A "Christian" who doesn't know how to cope up with life. I don't know where to find the answers. I still have my daily devotions. I still pray. I even talk to people how I'm feeling but they say the same thing "Just pray about it." Honestly it doesn't help.