Please Pray For Me...Filing Divorce

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starduzt101

Guest
#1
#1
My story...I was married 10 years ago to who I thought was an amazing Christian man. He started to become angry about everything..outbursts, then putting me down, name calling. He became paranoid and wouldn't believe me and started accusing me of cheating, taking money...almost any and everything wrong. I never did anything he accused me of, I became confused, sad and upset for the way he was treating me. If I stood up for myself he them would get physically abusive...I was heartbroken that my dreams have turned into a nightmare. I held it together and lived through this for the first 2 years, praying for God's direction and answers.
I left after those 2 years, we both were in counseling, he was sorry and said he wanted to change. I stayed separated though I gave him a chance and supported him in every effort he made. Though the next 7 years were just that...I knew from his outbursts , anger and other episodes it wasn't safe or even healthy to live with him. The last year he has been getting more agitated and less wanting to work on the abuse issues. I am stronger, hearlthier and NO ONE deserves to be abused. Because of the long time separation, I have graciously sacrificed financially and let him keep most of the money he was supposed to pay me for me and the children. I wouldn't even mind if it would have helped our marriage...though recently he told me that "I don't deserve money from him".(Another put down from him) I have financially supported our 5 children the mostly soley because they live with me.
He is not seeking to change anymore and is going back to anger, blaming, and accusing me. I have sacrificed so much mentally, physically, emotionally and financially that I can't do it unless he is serious about changing. I prayed for God's direction and what I heard God tell me is to "set bounderies". This is difficult because I decided to file for divorce to protect myself financially, physically and perhaps emotionally too. I still love and care for him deeply, though like I said I need to protect myself. He will be notified in the next week or two that I filed...I am a bit worried his reaction. Please pray that we stay safe and that he is respectful and doesn't try to hurt me or the children in any way. Please also pray that God gives my strength, peace and favor through this difficult process. Thank you. God Bless!
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#2
Jan 24, 2011
11,781
2,945
113
#2
Please get some counselling about the cycle of abuse, so you don't get caught back in this web of pain. Your husband sounds mentally ill, probably depressed, and if he does not get help, he will not change.

No one expects you to be physically abused. Time to make formal what is already reality.
 
O

oldernotwiser

Guest
#3
#3
well first, you are in my prayers. i do believe that you are doing (sadly) the right thing. you must think first of the children and above all they must not grow up in an abusive home. i am in china and hope, (a chinese chistian) told me about her aunt. the aunt was married to an abusive man. he had broken bones and often bruised her face to the point that she couldn't go outside. she refused to divorce him because first she was a christian and second she didnt want her son to see a broken marriage. when i asked how the son was now, hope said: "he's dead, he was shot." as an american my first thought was a drive by shooting or street violence (extremely rare in china.) i asked "shot?" hope responded "yes, he killed a man, he stabbed him with a knife in guanzhou so he was shot." the boy who grew up seeing his father as a violent abuser learned to be one himself.
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#4
May 29, 2013
9,090
1,751
113
#4
I am really sorry to hear about this. There is a program, world challenge, I think, related to teen challenge. Teen challenge has had remarkablyreally high success rates in dealing with helping teens recover from drug abuse, and outperformed secular alternatives. From what I hear, their programs very much promote a Christ-centered solution to these problems, not Christian in name only.

I'm not sure all about their programs for anger management. But I did talk to a man who had been in the program and left for financial reasons to support his family. So apparently, they do have some program for that sort of thing. You could suggest it to your husband, or ex, or whatever his status is. And if you are still thinking along the lines of something like this waking him up and motivating him to change, then maybe he'd be willing to consider it.

If he thinks you don't deserve money and he doesn't support his kids, it may come as a shock to him to be in a situation where he is legally forced to pay child support. That may wake him up. But if he does have to pay child support, he can't take time off of work to go live at a retreat for a few months and go through a program like this either. I'm getting the impression that you are already separated. This verse deals with that situation.

I Corinthians 7:11
(but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

I'll pray for you and your husband.
 
seekingg

seekingg

Senior Member
#5
Jul 13, 2012
152
2
18
#5
do not talk about the other parent with the children.
 
J

jogoldie

Senior Member
#6
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#6
Years ago I too escaped a violent marriage......if you need someone to talk to I would be happy to share with you...
This is a very serious matter ...and I think your doing the right thing....protect yourself and your children...
We cannot change people....without God we cant even change ourselves...I am praying for you little sister......
God provided me with everything I needed after I left......all I left with was my bible ..my children ..and the
clothes on our backs....and I was never without .......unless you have lived in abuse ....you will never understand
the fear and the pain we endure when someone we loved and trusted does this..... without God I could have never had the
strength or ability to leave......be strong and keep your faith ...Gods got you....peace ...
 
MsSpratt

MsSpratt

Banned
#7
Apr 26, 2014
274
5
0
#7
starduzt101 said:
My story...I was married 10 years ago to who I thought was an amazing Christian man. He started to become angry about everything..outbursts, then putting me down, name calling. He became paranoid and wouldn't believe me and started accusing me of cheating, taking money...almost any and everything wrong. I never did anything he accused me of, I became confused, sad and upset for the way he was treating me. If I stood up for myself he them would get physically abusive...I was heartbroken that my dreams have turned into a nightmare. I held it together and lived through this for the first 2 years, praying for God's direction and answers.
I left after those 2 years, we both were in counseling, he was sorry and said he wanted to change. I stayed separated though I gave him a chance and supported him in every effort he made. Though the next 7 years were just that...I knew from his outbursts , anger and other episodes it wasn't safe or even healthy to live with him. The last year he has been getting more agitated and less wanting to work on the abuse issues. I am stronger, hearlthier and NO ONE deserves to be abused. Because of the long time separation, I have graciously sacrificed financially and let him keep most of the money he was supposed to pay me for me and the children. I wouldn't even mind if it would have helped our marriage...though recently he told me that "I don't deserve money from him".(Another put down from him) I have financially supported our 5 children the mostly soley because they live with me.
He is not seeking to change anymore and is going back to anger, blaming, and accusing me. I have sacrificed so much mentally, physically, emotionally and financially that I can't do it unless he is serious about changing. I prayed for God's direction and what I heard God tell me is to "set bounderies". This is difficult because I decided to file for divorce to protect myself financially, physically and perhaps emotionally too. I still love and care for him deeply, though like I said I need to protect myself. He will be notified in the next week or two that I filed...I am a bit worried his reaction. Please pray that we stay safe and that he is respectful and doesn't try to hurt me or the children in any way. Please also pray that God gives my strength, peace and favor through this difficult process. Thank you. God Bless!
Click to expand...
sounds like he's accusing you of what he might be doing (?) is he a cheater?
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#8
Jan 24, 2011
11,781
2,945
113
#8
oldernotwiser said:
well first, you are in my prayers. i do believe that you are doing (sadly) the right thing. you must think first of the children and above all they must not grow up in an abusive home. i am in china and hope, (a chinese chistian) told me about her aunt. the aunt was married to an abusive man. he had broken bones and often bruised her face to the point that she couldn't go outside. she refused to divorce him because first she was a christian and second she didnt want her son to see a broken marriage. when i asked how the son was now, hope said: "he's dead, he was shot." as an american my first thought was a drive by shooting or street violence (extremely rare in china.) i asked "shot?" hope responded "yes, he killed a man, he stabbed him with a knife in guanzhou so he was shot." the boy who grew up seeing his father as a violent abuser learned to be one himself.
Click to expand...
In Canada, a child witnessing abuse can be taken into custody, because witnessing abuse is just as damaging as being abused. I just found out today that if a woman tells you her minor child has witnessed abuse, you are obligated by law to report it to the police, or you can be put into jail. This happened to me today, but the woman decided to phone the police herself.

You are NOT doing yourself or your children any favours staying in an abusive home. The days when men (or women) can get away with constant physical and mental abuse are over! And the Bible does not obligate anyone to stay in an abusive marriage. The time to get out is now. Abusers rarely change. And if they do, be safe until God changes them for good. Never mistake a controlling person trying to get their "property" back, for a real change, which quickly changes back to the cycle of abuse.
 
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jogoldie

Senior Member
#9
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#9
Angela53510 said:
In Canada, a child witnessing abuse can be taken into custody, because witnessing abuse is just as damaging as being abused. I just found out today that if a woman tells you her minor child has witnessed abuse, you are obligated by law to report it to the police, or you can be put into jail. This happened to me today, but the woman decided to phone the police herself.

You are NOT doing yourself or your children any favours staying in an abusive home. The days when men (or women) can get away with constant physical and mental abuse are over! And the Bible does not obligate anyone to stay in an abusive marriage. The time to get out is now. Abusers rarely change. And if they do, be safe until God changes them for good. Never mistake a controlling person trying to get their "property" back, for a real change, which quickly changes back to the cycle of abuse.
Click to expand...
Thats a great law.....when I was going through that ....it took him hitting me in front of my child that made me leave...
I didnt want her to grow up thinking thats what a father and husband does.....she is thirty now...and we talked about it
A few years ago....she remembers and she had wrote a poem to her father ....never sent it...but it was good to know she
did not repeat the pattern....thanks be to God....
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#10
Mar 13, 2014
41,315
16,302
113
69
Tennessee
#10
I will certainly pray for you, your safety, and that of your children as well. Please do not let anyone talk you out of your course of action. You are doing what must be done for your own peace of mine and that of the children as well. I understand about you loving him deeply but you must also love yourself and do what is necessary to survive. My heart bleeds for you and I pray for a peaceful resolution of this conflict and peace for your soul. May the peace of God descend upon you and protect you and the kids and lead you to a His place of quiet so that you may recover. God Bless You!
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#11
Mar 13, 2014
41,315
16,302
113
69
Tennessee
#11
seekingg said:
do not talk about the other parent with the children.
Click to expand...
This may be unrealistic as I am sure that the children are fully aware of what has been going on. She will allow God to work through her and be a comfort and a rock for her children. She may need help in this as well.
 
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starduzt101

Guest
#12
#12
Here is an Update...My ex was served and even though he does continue to harass me through text messages and comes to my house announced when I ask him not too..I also feel a sense of empowerment because I am slowly healing and getting my life back.

One thing I didn't see coming is my two older daughters who are having a tremendous hard time dealing with the past issues of their stepfather abusing them. My fourteen year old is running away and rageful and my thirteen year old is suicidal...I had no idea they were struggling so much and I thought this divorce would be a new start for us and they would also get closer. They are both getting help though it is a daunting because it has been so intense. I refuse to give up on them and I will not let Satan win! Please pray for my children...
 
J

jogoldie

Senior Member
#13
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#13
Father God im here to thank you for my sister stardutz...for her strength and power to start her new life.....
I thank you for being at work in her childrens lives.....keeping them safe and mending their hearts and minds...
Thank you for protecting them....I thank you in Jesus,s name....amen
 
F

faroukfarouk

Banned
#14
Feb 21, 2014
5,672
18
0
#14
God's grace individually and collectively and personal safety do not need to exclude one another. God's grace means God can change the situation. (Divorce lawyers will always be glad of money.)
 
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Paulos

Guest
#15
#15
Go back and be kind this man is lost unless Jesus shows love from him to you, see?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#16
#16
Paulos said:
Go back and be kind this man is lost unless Jesus shows love from him to you, see?
Click to expand...
You obviously have absolutely no experience with domestic abuse.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#17
Mar 13, 2014
41,315
16,302
113
69
Tennessee
#17
Paulos said:
Go back and be kind this man is lost unless Jesus shows love from him to you, see?
Click to expand...
No, I do not see. Jesus will always show his love to this man but perhaps not through this battered woman.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#18
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#18
starduzt101 said:
Here is an Update...My ex was served and even though he does continue to harass me through text messages and comes to my house announced when I ask him not too..I also feel a sense of empowerment because I am slowly healing and getting my life back.

One thing I didn't see coming is my two older daughters who are having a tremendous hard time dealing with the past issues of their stepfather abusing them. My fourteen year old is running away and rageful and my thirteen year old is suicidal...I had no idea they were struggling so much and I thought this divorce would be a new start for us and they would also get closer. They are both getting help though it is a daunting because it has been so intense. I refuse to give up on them and I will not let Satan win! Please pray for my children...
Click to expand...
You are to be admired for being strong enough to break free from this wicked man. I wasn't, but thankfully my abuser left me. Please let me encourage you to not be timid in the divorce proceedings. Fight hard for your ability to protect and provide for your children. Document the abuse as much as possible and call the police for every threat or outburst that he makes in the interim.

I compromised during my divorce proceedings because I still loved my son's father and didn't want to make him angry. That just made our lives so much harder and preventing me from protecting and providing for my son the way he needed. Now we are back in court, and there are so many things that just can't be corrected once the original divorce decree is final. It's not being selfish/vengeful to ensure that your kids get everything they deserve.

I'm sorry your kids are having such a hard time. Even the break up of a toxic marriage is a difficult adjustment, and I pray that you and your kids can get the help they need.
 
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