S
I was raised in a home where pornography was as common as Saturday morning cartoons and after I got married, I mentally couldn't fathom how that could hurt a marriage, or even be an addiction. To me it was what psychologist call a "norm", part of everyday life.
There are times even now after excepting Christ, that using the word addiction and porn in the same sentence, seems weird. Regardless of how it seems, I know firsthand the damage it does to a marriage, I tried to hide it from my wife for years, she would find evidence that I was looking, and I would lie about it. It was an endless circle.
By the time reality set in and I realize what was more important to me, The damage had already been done, I hadn't excepted Christ at that time, and trying to prove to my wife that I was no longer addicted, and that she was all I wanted, wasn't possible, there is no trust and there is barely any love left in her for me.
I hurt her so badly, and made her feel so down on herself, that I believed if she was having an affair it's what I deserved. Thankfully however she wasn't, she's premenopausal, and sex is the furthest thing from her mind at the moment.
When Christ entered my life He changed everything inside me, He has open my heart so wide, that the love I have for her is a kind of love I have never felt before. He released me of the burdens and guilt I carried, because of my past and is showing me how a husband should treat his wife.
The problem is though, I pushed her so far away, and made her so emotionally numb, that she doesn't know if she can love me the way a wife should, she's afraid to open her heart to me again. it's hard for me sometimes because I know in my heart, God has forgiven me for my past, but when I try to do the simplest loving things for her and she shows little to no interest, I am reminded that it's my own fault. Then the guilt starts creeping up on me.
The old saying "what comes around goes around" is basically the story of my marriage life, because my actions with the addiction to porn, made my wife feel unwanted by me, broke her heart, and left her feeling lonely. And now since I've done that i'm going through exact same thing, I feel unwanted, lonely, and unloved by her.
But I will not lose faith or give up on my marriage, I may not have had Christ in my life when we first got married, but I do now, and those vows I made, we're not only to my wife, but also to God. I will not dishonor Him by ending my marriage. Together perhaps Him and I will bring her back on the path.
I just have to put it in his hands, and trust Him.(easier said than done sometimes)
There are times even now after excepting Christ, that using the word addiction and porn in the same sentence, seems weird. Regardless of how it seems, I know firsthand the damage it does to a marriage, I tried to hide it from my wife for years, she would find evidence that I was looking, and I would lie about it. It was an endless circle.
By the time reality set in and I realize what was more important to me, The damage had already been done, I hadn't excepted Christ at that time, and trying to prove to my wife that I was no longer addicted, and that she was all I wanted, wasn't possible, there is no trust and there is barely any love left in her for me.
I hurt her so badly, and made her feel so down on herself, that I believed if she was having an affair it's what I deserved. Thankfully however she wasn't, she's premenopausal, and sex is the furthest thing from her mind at the moment.
When Christ entered my life He changed everything inside me, He has open my heart so wide, that the love I have for her is a kind of love I have never felt before. He released me of the burdens and guilt I carried, because of my past and is showing me how a husband should treat his wife.
The problem is though, I pushed her so far away, and made her so emotionally numb, that she doesn't know if she can love me the way a wife should, she's afraid to open her heart to me again. it's hard for me sometimes because I know in my heart, God has forgiven me for my past, but when I try to do the simplest loving things for her and she shows little to no interest, I am reminded that it's my own fault. Then the guilt starts creeping up on me.
The old saying "what comes around goes around" is basically the story of my marriage life, because my actions with the addiction to porn, made my wife feel unwanted by me, broke her heart, and left her feeling lonely. And now since I've done that i'm going through exact same thing, I feel unwanted, lonely, and unloved by her.
But I will not lose faith or give up on my marriage, I may not have had Christ in my life when we first got married, but I do now, and those vows I made, we're not only to my wife, but also to God. I will not dishonor Him by ending my marriage. Together perhaps Him and I will bring her back on the path.
I just have to put it in his hands, and trust Him.(easier said than done sometimes)