C
Hello all. I hope you are having a good day. I haven't been having a good couple of weeks. Ever since i was a very small child (say 4, 5, or 6, basically capable of complex thoughts or at least the earliest i can remember) I have had panic attacks. I never really told my parents back then. however, when i do now, they don't seem to think it is very serious. Ever since i was little, the concept of eternity, life forever, was unfathomable. Yet so was the concept of death. And after I became a real Christian, those panic attacks largely stopped. However, recently, the unshakable uncertainties and fears have come back. I am really fearing the thought of death being all there is, and I go from intense despair to the point where i feel as if I am not alive (when i think I cease to exist after death) to intense joy (when i look about me and conclude there has to be more to life, there has to be a God and heaven and hell). But my doubts are growing and consuming. I can't focus on reading more than a few verses of the Bible,and when I am not busy and have time to think, the doubts buried all day resurface in my thoughts and I have a panic attack. I can't really live because i am paralyzed with the fear of death. Sometimes I feel like I will die into nothingness because i don't see an afterlife or a logical conclusion to it. However, i also feel like it is very illogical to say life, civilization, love, and creation are in vain. I cannot see myself ending, but i also cannot see myself living. Please don't criticize me for my doubt. I believe in God, but i am intensely struggling right now with the concept of death and the afterlife. All the prayers and support you can give will be GREATLY appreciated. Tomorrow, I might have to have a talk with my mom about all this.