I was a believer when I was raped. (Backslidden, but a believer.) It was my wake up call. It was hell going through it -- and not just the rape but the dealing with it afterward. The only people I said anything to in those first two weeks were my roommates. I told them not to let any guys who came to the door for me in that they didn't know and to be more careful as they traveled around campus. (I look back and wonder what I was thinking, since it wasn't like I told the rapists my name, even though they were the ones who dropped me off at our apartment. Yes, I did some really stupid things, and yet I still didn't deserve that.) They demanded I leave their apartment. (Can't blame them for that. lol)
It was back in the days before the early-pregnancy tests were available, so I had three weeks to wait to find out if I was pregnant. Much prayer (along with the rest of what I did) seeking guidance on the best choice. It was very much a struggle. God did guide me through it though. I know which answer he gave me. MY answer (and mine alone) was, if I were pregnant, to have the baby. It wasn't the baby's fault who her father was. I wouldn't ever know who her father was. (Five guys raped me, and it wasn't like they gave their names to me either.) I trusted God to take care of her for me. I feared I would blame the baby for the sins of the father, so it was my decision (and mine alone) to put the baby up for adoption to give her a chance at a good life. (I spent enough time on this baby that never existed that I even imagined her as a daughter.)
God was gracious. It wasn't a miracle that there was no baby, given there is only a small likelihood of getting pregnant every time we have sex, and given rapists tend to be impotent to begin with. It is an assault, not sex.
I had to go through another struggle after that too. I knew having sex outside of marriage was a sin. At that time, that was the only commandment I never broke. Do I repent for having sex when it was never my choice?
You may think this is a simple and stupid question. Who in their right minds would think rape is breaking that commandment? Apparently I wasn't the only one, since a year and a half later I asked my pastor and he told me it was sin, but something I didn't mean to do. I gave up church for a while over that stupid one. I mean, I sin even when I try not to? What's the point in trying?
I hold that against the Christian Church too. That was no answer. That was straight up a LIE. I lived with that guilt for three years, before I knew the difference. I can run down the entire list of sins I did that night -- that wasn't one of them. It is, however, another problem I see with Christians thinking it's their responsibility to tell what they think, when a rape target is hurting. Why do people give opinion instead of something from God's word? Big gobs of text in there not blaming the one raped on the rape.
And that's another problem with Christians giving personal opinions in public without any concept of what we say matters. "Victim." How dare we use the word "victim" as if the poor, weak, lower-than-thou person is reduced to that? I was targeted! I was stupid. I was hitchhiking on a dark deserted road late at night. It was stupid. True, it was the only way to get home, but the solution wasn't to go out that far with no other way home, any time of day, and especially at night. So, I was targeted, not a victim.
And my actions during the ordeal tell me I'm no victim. I know what I did to stop the assault. "Victim" doesn't do that. I know what I did to deal with it afterward. "Victim" doesn't do that. I know what I did wrong. I know what I did right. I know God has taken care of me even at my stupidest moments. One scumbag had an ax over my head yelling at me to shut up or he'd chop my head off. I had a hood on my coat. I couldn't move my body, but I could move my one hand. I lifted the hood off my neck and taunted him to swing the ax and chop my head off. I'd rather that then being raped. It was stupid. It was also something that changed the rapists. They let me go after that. I didn't care which way it ended, but God was there taking care of me anyway, even in that. That's not the only moment when I can look back and see God with me that night.
And I did get help. I got help for that and the cause of my overall stupidity at the time. I was so deep into drugs that it felt like I was stoned only when I wasn't anymore. Realtiy was too bizarre for me to handle, and God got me to the point of realizing that right smack in the middle of not wanting reality. No victim there either.
So, I did get help. And those that helped me were kind enough to let me see the difference between stupidity and deserved. They also let me see braver, something I never expected was there. God gave me that.
And what for? To stop others who think they get a voice in the decisions of targets from thinking that very thing.
You don't get a choice in how God is working out the life of another. Your choice is simple. It is also the same choice of anyone who has gone through a violent crime or any other dark places in life. Do you trust God to work things out or not?
Trust God more. I was never a rape victim. I was once targeted. I am free now in God. I'm not the only one. We don't need the added weight of your convictions -- especially ill-conceived convictions -- to make our walk even harder. Sooner or later our walk gets easier, but by God's love and grace. The only thing we want out of our brothers and sisters is a bit more God-righteousness, not self-righteousness. Trust God more, since, in the end, everything he wills to happen happens, even if it doesn't look like God's answers are easy. His answers usually aren't easy.