Relationship Question For Introverts

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JonahLynx

JonahLynx

Senior Member
#1
Dec 28, 2014
1,017
30
48
#1
When you are interested in someone, do you prefer getting to know them through dating or a friendship? In other words, do you prefer being approached and learning more about them through the dating experience, or creating a friendship and developing it in a less concrete manner?

Personally, my experiences have been more organic and evolved without much direction. But I'm curious what someone might think who is more on the shyer side of things (Yes, I know not all introverts are shy). I wonder if being more direct is better in this case, or if it would have the adverse effect. Some people are very difficult to read, lol.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#2
Jun 30, 2015
24,699
13,384
113
#2
While I believe that introversion and extroversion are legitimate personality types, I also think that there is often a lot of baggage tied up in them. I'm an introvert; I am content on my own most of the time, and I recharge best by taking "alone time". As I have been dealing with significant junk from my past, I find that I enjoy the company of others more, avoid people less, and am much more confident about relationships.

With regard to romantic relationships, thinking through your intentions/desires is wise... before you go looking. If you are just exploring, be clear about it, and don't allow yourself to commit. If you are serious about finding a lifelong mate, don't just explore; rather, figure out what characteristics are non-negotiable, and don't compromise on them.

One other thought: maintain at least one friendship with a same-gender Christian friend with whom you share your thoughts. This gets you out of the echo chamber of your own head. :)
 
D

dalconn

Guest
#3
#3
Since "dating" is a modern concept in developing relationships Im going to say build a friendship first and see what The Lords will is for you both
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
JonahLynx said:
When you are interested in someone, do you prefer getting to know them through dating or a friendship? In other words, do you prefer being approached and learning more about them through the dating experience, or creating a friendship and developing it in a less concrete manner?

Personally, my experiences have been more organic and evolved without much direction. But I'm curious what someone might think who is more on the shyer side of things (Yes, I know not all introverts are shy). I wonder if being more direct is better in this case, or if it would have the adverse effect. Some people are very difficult to read, lol.
Click to expand...
As a shy introvert myself i've always preferred making friends and seeing them blossom into relationships, over the more direct approach. If gives you a chance to get to know someone without any pressure. People are less prone to faking things or putting up fronts because the vibe is more natural and not so pushed. And if it doesn't work out or go anywhere you make a new friend.
You will have a point where you have to speak up and take a risk. The relationship can't fully develop and grow out of friendship without it.
How much time you take really depends on you and how things are going. If you're unsure then don't rush.

When i was 18 i spent 9 months just being friends with a girl. It was a rare instance i approached someone with an interest ahead of time, and with the intention on getting to know them. But i was subtle. I worked my way into a group she was in, joined the convo and gradually geared comments to her directly. Next time i approached and talked a few minutes. Before we knew it everyone thought we were dating we got so close. But nope, 9 months before i asked her to take things beyond friendship.
Even in my last relationship we spent about 6 months not dating before we started. In retrospect the people that have been most memorable are the ones i went slowest with.
 
ArcanePrince

ArcanePrince

Banned
#5
Jul 20, 2017
116
6
0
#5
I grew up an introvert, but mostly for the point of relationships, I was motivated to try to learn to always be aware of my exterior personality and appearance.

If you want a true relationship, and you become lovers before you become friends, you will end up one of those couples that argue about every little thing that doesnt matter to either of you and break up in no time. On the other hand, when I meet someone I dont think of relationships. Whether she is looking for something serious or just to date, if you try to push a relationship right off you will scare her away because she will think you are just desperate or lying like the other guys. Men and women are definitely different creatures. Plus you might not want her around you alot after you get to know her. You never want to push a relationship in the beginning. But you never want to be just friends either. Going on one day dates will friend zone you fast and theres no coming back from that. This is why dating is the perfect balance. Only romance or only a friendship is a fail. Try to keep it balanced in both.


As far as being aggressive or subtle when meeting them, thats a loaded question. Women wanting dates like aggressiveness so they know you are not wanting a relationship, but they dont like it being every other desperate skeezer does the same thing and seems so desperate. So if its aggressive it has to outdo the rest if she wants to date, and be aggressive with romance if she wants a relationship. Women wanting a relationship like a subtle approach but being too subtle too long, which isnt very long, is a major turn off. Aggressiveness altogether seems to work better for me than anything, but if im not aggressive enough it does the opposite. But sometimes being a little aggressive is what works and not too aggressive. Then playing hard to get works for a little while then it does the opposite, or does it? Being nice or being a jerk can work or be the opposite or can work sometimes and be the opposite sometimes, guess the mood. You dont know because every woman is different, and she doesnt know because shes a woman.

All in all, I just find its easiest to be myself and let the ones that like my style come to me. Every woman likes so many things that are the same, and are always the right answer for your own life too, so just focus on those things. Plus you can be yourself all the time and not have to worry about her complexities. The more you try to impress people, the less impressed they will be with you no matter what. In an age where romance is dead, thats pretty much all thats left. And when you really figure out how to do that, it wont matter if you are friendly or romantic, aggressive or subtle.
 
ArcanePrince

ArcanePrince

Banned
#6
Jul 20, 2017
116
6
0
#6
dalconn said:
Since "dating" is a modern concept in developing relationships Im going to say build a friendship first and see what The Lords will is for you both
Click to expand...
The perfect answers are always one sentence.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#7
May 23, 2009
14,943
4,586
113
#7
I find it interesting that it's been all guys who have answered so far. I hope I'm not intruding on The Boys Club by throwing in a few thoughts. :)

I've always said that I am an introvert who can masquerade as an extrovert when needed. When I was younger, I thought I pretty much knew if I "liked" someone or not, and if the person liked me back, it would wind up turning into this big, intense relationship right away.

Now I think I'm just the opposite. If I do get into another relationship with someone, most likely it will be with someone I've been friends with for a long while. By that time, we both know each other's little quirks and temperament, as well as how the other person handles stressful or emotional situations.

This is just my own viewpoint, but "dating" always carries a lot of weight and expectation, because when I "date" someone, it means that I'm going to commit to seeing only them and setting aside some time every day (unless we decide otherwise) to talk to them. These days I don't like the idea of "dating" right off the bat because I see that as someone expecting a lot from me without having taken the time to really get to know me, or reveal who he is to me, and for me, the best part is learning more and more about the person as time goes on.

I used to be in a big rush to find The One as soon as possible.

Now I'm just kind of like... Eh. Take it one day at a time, and see what happens.

The unpredictability can be a big part of the fun. :)
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#8
Aug 13, 2014
24,922
8,170
113
#8
Dino246 said:
While I believe that introversion and extroversion are legitimate personality types, I also think that there is often a lot of baggage tied up in them. I'm an introvert; I am content on my own most of the time, and I recharge best by taking "alone time". As I have been dealing with significant junk from my past, I find that I enjoy the company of others more, avoid people less, and am much more confident about relationships.

With regard to romantic relationships, thinking through your intentions/desires is wise... before you go looking. If you are just exploring, be clear about it, and don't allow yourself to commit. If you are serious about finding a lifelong mate, don't just explore; rather, figure out what characteristics are non-negotiable, and don't compromise on them.

One other thought: maintain at least one friendship with a same-gender Christian friend with whom you share your thoughts. This gets you out of the echo chamber of your own head. :)
Click to expand...
Much wisdom in this post, including the last part. I wish I could like and rep it on a phone. Oh well, something to attend to when I get back home to a real computer.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#9
#9
As an introvert, I learn way more about someone in a group setting and as a friend than I EVER have in one-on-one, get-to-know-you sessions. Because, however honest you both are, there's that pressure to look your best. That's not a bad thing really, but it means you'll be surprised when you see the worst.
 
R

Rachel20

Senior Member
#10
May 7, 2013
1,639
105
63
#10
My experience has been that I formed relationships on a foundation of friendship and constant close proximity to each other.

I enjoyed it, but now I would actually like if it I dated someone based on the context that we are both attracted to each other and we want to get to know more about each other.

It's definitely more fun, exciting and less painful. The problem with relationships that grow out of friendships is, once the relationship ends, the friendship does too. I like to keep my network close. So if I friend-zone anyone, they are definitely going to be staying there.
 
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M

mj007

Banned
#11
Feb 5, 2017
1,118
36
0
#11
I listen for connection, for God's input on it. It's a very faint murmur. One cannot allow themselves to be overruled by their own opinion, or emotions, or what they want to believe is true. It is all there, in the very first instance. If you don't believe me, try and remember the very first few seconds when you met someone and engaged with them. And the one who hurt you, that was the time you said it was not true, and you overruled it because, well just because, they're amazing and you didn't want to think differently.

Further to that, I am grateful to those who have hurt me. There was much to learn in all of it. Not walls, or fear, or who isn't right (becoming your own Bible of knowing who is the wrong one). What hurt and pain taught me, is you have to love more, you have to trust more, you have to have more faith. And if that is not what you learnt, but the opposite, then back to Training Level 1 you go. Suffering is of our own making, when we invoke free will and choose what 'we want to choose'.

What can go wrong, if you have faith in God, and you learn to listen to God more, as silent as God is under the noise in our heads and in our bodies?
 
M

mj007

Banned
#12
Feb 5, 2017
1,118
36
0
#12
I am an introverted extrovert if there is such a thing. Get me out of my shell and I am a leaf in the wind, but otherwise I'm a hedgehog.
 
Leftheri

Leftheri

Junior Member
#14
May 25, 2017
40
10
8
#14
Here's one solution: Don't be an introvert.
 
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