sad and broken hearted very long, but someone plese read!

[Jlt]

I am so sad right now, I've allowed certain things to happen in my home that goes against what God would have wanted. Three years ago I let my sons girlfriend move in with us, she was and is still in highschool, a senior about to graduate. My son who is 22 is also about to graduate from electrician school. I know it is wrong to allow them to live together, un married, I don't know why I allowed it but I just love her so much, like a daughter, shes such a sweet girl, and I could see how much my son loves her. He talked about them getting married after she graduates, he talked about them and what kind of house he wanted, something near or on the beach with 2 dogs and 4 kids! So anyway home life seemed to be going good but I had been through a lot over the past 4 years, a divorce, moving, getting into a place I really cant afford, so I told my children I would not be renewing my lease in August and that I would be moving to a one bedroom apartment that I can afford, In a sense I was preparing my son for the fact that once he graduated he would need to find other living arrangements for himself, his girlfriend and his dog.... I have been under so much stress lately, I have been working 7 days a week, and at times haven't even had enough money for food. So at first there was a little bit of conflict between my son and I, but I said to him I would never see him out on the street, he could come and sleep on the couch if he had to, I simply cannot afford where Im living now. Over the past few weeks things seemed to get better. Now Im coming to the whole reason for this lengthy post, On Monday evening when my son and his girlfriend weren't home I needed to go in his room to look for my nail clippers, on his night stand was a paper, explaining post op instructions from a womens clinic, and a prescription bottle from the same doctor in his girlfriends name.... she had an ABORTION. Then I find out my x knew about it the day before it happened because my son called him, and although he didn't say, he most likely helped him pay for it too. Now Im left feeling sad, hurt, empty, and I haven't said a word to either my son or his girlfriend, because I wasn't supposed to find out. She was pregnant and no one came to me for advice or guidance, I have so many un answered questions in my heart, my head, like how much thought was put into this decision to end a life? Is it because they thought due to my financial difficulties I wouldn't be supportive? Are they upset? do they need someone to talk to? how does my son feel about this? I know he wanted a family someday, was it his choice, or only her choice, or visa versa... I am so broken, and then theres the purely selfish feelings I have, This was my flesh and blood, my grandchild, how far along was she?? not that that even matters, a life is a life at any stage, but I cant help but thinking was its tiny heart beating? did it have little arms and legs yet? I am so distraught over this, its almost as if "I" had the abortion. Im sorry this is so long

 

[blue_ladybug]

I would tell them that you found out by accident and ask them why they didn't tell you or ask for help/guidance.. Don't be angry that they didn't tell you, just offer them sympathy and support--after all, ALL of you lost this baby. Maybe they didn't want to burden you, or maybe they just aren't ready for parenthood yet..

 

[tourist]

You sound real tired in your writing. Once you are alone in your new place you will feel better. There is too much stress in the current living arrangement. You cannot continue to carry this heavy load or it is going to break your back. I will say a prayer for God to deliver you from this stressful environment.

 

[ember]

I would not tell them what you found. Let me ask you a question...I see this is your first post...I'm relatively new to this forum myself, but, are you a Christian?

I might hazard yes as you are reflecting on your decision to allow your son and girlfriend to live together.

If you are a Christian, you need to back this up and repent of your sin of allowing this to go on under your roof.

Please understand that I have no thought of hurting you or judging you in any way. I just want to help if I can because I understand your dilema.

This is complicated and the only way to unravel it, is to face up to what has happened and what you have allowed under your roof. As a Christian, if you are, you have set a poor example and you should not be surprised at the outcome.

Again, I am not judging you...I may have done things worse then you....I would just like to help if I can.

Hugs

 

[psychomom]

Now Im left feeling sad, hurt, empty, and I haven't said a word to either my son or his girlfriend, because I wasn't supposed to find out. She was pregnant and no one came to me for advice or guidance, I have so many un answered questions in my heart, my head, like how much thought was put into this decision to end a life? Is it because they thought due to my financial difficulties I wouldn't be supportive? Are they upset? do they need someone to talk to? how does my son feel about this? I know he wanted a family someday, was it his choice, or only her choice, or visa versa... I am so broken, and then theres the purely selfish feelings I have, This was my flesh and blood, my grandchild, how far along was she?? not that that even matters, a life is a life at any stage, but I cant help but thinking was its tiny heart beating? did it have little arms and legs yet? I am so distraught over this, its almost as if "I" had the abortion. Im sorry this is so long

i'm so, so sorry.

i would hazard a guess you're feeling betrayed.
you were providing for them, you felt you were being supportive, and you feel that was betrayed.

that's a tough row to hoe.

whatever happened, you can't change the past, only deal with the present.
i would suggest they're kids...and kids don't always make the best choices.
(neither do adults, of course. )

just my opinion, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of sense in pretending you don't know.
they're most likely feeling something's off already, you know?

if it were me, i hope i'd come clean with them in the 'i shouldn't have allowed this' department.
and i hope i'd try to remember the HUGE amount of grace and forgiveness i have received.

praying for you, with love,
ellie

 

[Joidevivre]

Don't confront her unless you both have a very good loving relationship. Otherwise, let it go. This happens more than you would imagine - it is just that YOU found out. Hundreds of mothers never do.

So many good words have been given to you already. I can only add that if you do confront her, be prepared to accept any words she gives you without judging or defending anything she says about the reason why. It is already done. Let it be. But I would hope that you would be able to use this as a chance to begin a prayer relationship with her. She needs someone to just hold her, tell her she is loved, and allow for her to grieve if she needs to do so. I'm sure she has many complicated feelings about it. Remember, it is too late for wisdom words - all that you need to do is just listen.

If this opens up an opportunity for you to pray for her to receive forgiveness, or to be comforted or whatever, this is a good thing. It will bond you both in a new way.

As for you, be comforted. And ask the Lord to use this situation in some way that will benefit all of you.

 

[prodigal]

blessings sister, i would approach it like this, (just my opinion and i hope it helps), firstly your love for your child is unconditional, no matter wether christian or not. secondly. who knows where your son would be now if you didn't allow him to live with his girlfriend, this doesn't justify it, and doesn't mean it was the right decision, but try not to be self-condeming for a situation you cant change now. god forgives you and will work to bring good from the worse of situations. thirdly, you cant know without communicating, if it was a 'problem pregnancy', again it doesn't excuse it but it may have been best intentions. and finally you cant change anything that has already happened, so take this time, if at all possible, to tell your son that you would have supported him through this trialing time. it begs the question , did your son not tell you because he knew you wouldn't like his decision, did he not tell you thinking he was saving you from undue stress(knowing you have been through so much.) Finally, although we know as christians that abortion is wrong, we live in a world that sadly disagrees with that view point. so how do we go forward. forgive yourself, god has, then forgive them and pray that god will use this situation to bring them close to christ leading to salvation. blessings sister...

 

[jogoldie]

With out repeating what others said.....I'm gonna go at this in a different way... .....because I see good
advice......living with my daughter and her husband i see things differently.....as we live together with
younger couples we see traps they are coming to....we have opinions...suggestions......wise words to give.......tread lightly.....as I never give advice unless asked.......it is their life......nothing you can do to
keep them from falling....maybe the reason they didn't tell you was .....they didn't want to disappoint you.....they didn't want for you to see them in a bad light.....they are ashamed.....hurt...frightened......
You can be assured they agonised over this decision....I'm sure it was not made lightly.....and for whatever reason .....you really don't need to know.....love them.....encourage marriage and you will
be told when they get up enough nerve.....do what is right for you........get your place and find your peace.....we are better at helping them when we are at peace....not just working so we can live somewhere large.........their struggles will make or break them.....don't be one of their struggles.....be a support.....I'm sorry you have temporarily lost your first grand baby..........but we know God will have him in eternity waiting to met you....Start from here
and show them by example how to live a Godly life......let them make their own mistakes so they can
gain wisdom....and bond accordingly....give them God..... that's the best way to help them......not keeping them from making it on there own.....cause you have always provided for everything....if they want to play grownups.....they gotta walk the walk.....without you to hold them up.....put them in
Gods hands and let them do this together......that's what makes a marriage ......the struggle.....peace ...jo

 

[Dan58]

she had an ABORTION. Then I find out my x knew about it the day before it happened because my son called him, and although he didn't say, he most likely helped him pay for it too. Now Im left feeling sad, hurt, empty, and I haven't said a word to either my son or his girlfriend, because I wasn't supposed to find out. She was pregnant and no one came to me for advice or guidance, I have so many un answered questions in my heart, my head, like how much thought was put into this decision to end a life? Is it because they thought due to my financial difficulties I wouldn't be supportive? Are they upset? do they need someone to talk to? how does my son feel about this? I know he wanted a family someday, was it his choice, or only her choice, or visa versa... I am so broken, and then theres the purely selfish feelings I have, This was my flesh and blood, my grandchild, how far along was she?? not that that even matters, a life is a life at any stage, but I cant help but thinking was its tiny heart beating? did it have little arms and legs yet? I am so distraught over this, its almost as if "I" had the abortion. Im sorry this is so long

I'm guessing they didn't tell you about the abortion because they probably knew you couldn't afford to pay for it? So don't feel bad because they went to your ex for the help (money). They also probably knew that you wouldn't be too crazy about her getting an abortion, so decided not to tell you.. I'd leave it alone, its their business and its a done deal now. You put your son up in a room with an 18 year old girl and she got knocked-up, that shouldn't be too surprising. I'd just give them a lecture on birth control, they obviously need some advise to prevent this from happening again. jmo

 

[Jlt]

Thank you everyone for the support you have given me, I stopped at church after work today and prayed for forgivness for myself, and my son and his girlfriend, I also prayed for the baby. I cried, and just sat there for a while. Theres something about being in the Lords house that always brings me comfort. I want to sincerely thank everyone for your kind words of encouragement. God bless

 

[Jlt]

I don't feel like anyone here is judging me. Believe me, I have allowed things to go on that I knew was wrong, and my only defense to this is that I honestly tried to "make up" for things that have happened in my past, a bad relationship filled with abuse, and things my kids had to witness. Instead of turning to God I turned inward to myself and put it all on myself to make it up to my kids and by doing so things got a little out of control with my son. My intentions were good, but I always carried a certain amount of guilt and a need to make my kids happy no matter what the price.

 

[ember]

Thank you everyone for the support you have given me, I stopped at church after work today and prayed for forgivness for myself, and my son and his girlfriend, I also prayed for the baby. I cried, and just sat there for a while. Theres something about being in the Lords house that always brings me comfort. I want to sincerely thank everyone for your kind words of encouragement. God bless

This could be life changing for you and indeed I pray it is so...it's never too late with God. He will comfort and lead you and restore. Keep your eyes on Him...and remember, you didn't get to where you are in a day, so it will take time.

But our God creates from nothing and the most important thing is to be forgiven and in right standing with Him

That way, the devil does not have the opportunity to continue his desire to destroy in your life and the lives of those you love.

I really do care and I am sure many others here do as well.

May God bless you and keep you

 

[Angela53510]

I'm sorry you have had to find out about the abortion this way. I think you should learn about boundaries, and one of those boundaries is not allowing guilt to over-ride common sense, and letting a young girl (under age?) live under your roof unmarried with your son, regardless of how nice they both are. A good book to start with is the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend.

This really is a time to re-evaluate your life, your values. The baby is with God, prayers need to go for your son and his GF, and your future. I know you are hurting, and my heart goes out to you.

I pray you will continue with your plan to move into a place you can afford, and one where you will not be in charge of these young people's lives. I do think you need to gently talk to them about what you found, and how you are very hurt by what happened. Both the abortion and not telling you while living under your roof and you supporting them. They are old enough to take the truth.

But don't talk to them in anger, but from a place of your feelings and values, so they understand that you love them, but you don't have to like what they have done.

Not sure what I can add, just very sad that you have had to go through this terrible thing.

 

[soccermom19]

I don't feel like anyone here is judging me. Believe me, I have allowed things to go on that I knew was wrong, and my only defense to this is that I honestly tried to "make up" for things that have happened in my past, a bad relationship filled with abuse, and things my kids had to witness. Instead of turning to God I turned inward to myself and put it all on myself to make it up to my kids and by doing so things got a little out of control with my son. My intentions were good, but I always carried a certain amount of guilt and a need to make my kids happy no matter what the price.

You are in a very hard spot indeed. Instead of showing your kids the tough love that every parent should show their children, you gave into the evil ways of the world. Saying "No!" doesn't mean you don't love your children. It means you care enough to help keep them on the righteous path. You can't make up for the past by coddling. Turn it over to God. It is not too late to be the parent you know you should be.
My advice, try honesty. Tell your son what you found and how you came to find it. Talk it over with him and then her. Next, you need to start being the parent. Tell your son to repent of his fornication and other sins and ask God for forgiveness. Do not allow him and his girlfriend to share a bed under your roof, starting tonight. Ask her to move out as soon as possible, or ask your son to. Either way, they need to live separately unless and until they are married. Definitely encourage them to abstain, but to use birth control if they continue to have sex.
Get them involved in church! There is so much you can do to rectify things. You just need the strength to do it. I am very sorry you had to go through this and find out in this way. I am sure you are very hurt and feel betrayed.
I am praying that you gain the strength to do what is right and get right with God. God Bless!

 

[Eva1218]

I can understand your cares for your family. As you know allowing your son's girlfriend permission to move in gave them freedom to become pregnant. At that age and spending every night together it was bound to happen. Now without placing blame my questions are when allowing her to move in where there any restrictions, agreements or rent requirements? Basically where they given any rules? Do you know the girlfriends family? Were they given a set time to prepare for marriage and moving out?

Do not beat yourself up regarding the abortion. What I would be concerned with is communication. Do not let them know you invaded their space for it will only bring harm to the relationship. I would recommend that you have a nice calm conversation with the both of them and ask how things are going, what goals are they looking to meet and how they see their future together. Also knowing that the abortion has happened as the mother you must step in so that this does not happen again. For whether they are in your home or living together on their own if they are having sexual relations without any protective measures they are left with the possibility of pregnancy and the options of what to do.

With all that it is time to hit your knees and seek GOD. Repent for what you have allowed and ask GOD what you are to do to help your family heal and bend close together. Ask GOD to speak to them regarding family, adulthood and responsibility. Be supportive but not in ways to allow them to to go against GOD's way.

Know that GOD has your grandchild and in the New Kingdom you can see the child again.

Blessings!!!!!!!

 

[levi85]

sorry to hear this, we pray God forgive, and bless everyone.!

 

[joker32]

That is very sad to lose a lil baby that didn't need to be aborted. Im sure his or her teen mother will always regret that decision. You can be assured that child is with christ though in his arms and you will be together one day again.

 

[thisgirl]

I had a much regretted abortion before becoming a believer. If you would like information on how to help your daughter in law heal please pm me. She is your daughter in law, they are living as husband and wife. You brought her in because of your love for your son. God bless you.

 

[popeye]

That child is restored. Thank you jesus that not one sparrow falls that your gentle hand does not recieve.That baby is with the king . Glory to your holy name.

Now,you need to get real close to Jesus,so you can go there too.

 

[popeye]

I had a much regretted abortion before becoming a believer. If you would like information on how to help your daughter in law heal please pm me. She is your daughter in law, they are living as husband and wife. You brought her in because of your love for your son. God bless you.

................this is the much needed oil