Seeking Christian Direction with Enabling Son

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I

Ioklady

Guest
#1
#1
Before I begin, please understand that I know this is such a short venue to relay my issue and request for help. I am a Christian Mother and Wife with a deep discouraging issue with my step-son. He had been living with my husband and I after being in prison for drug related crimes for approximately 3 years. We, or shall I be more specific, 'I', kicked him out on Christmas Eve after yet another esculated conflict of disrespect. He is recently married and both he and his new bride moved in with us after he was again arrested. When he was released, and after much prayer, I felt a true miracle sense of relief that this was a changed young man and therefore, agreed that he and his new wife could move into our home. We set ground rules and actually had them sign a contract of expected behaviors and goals. The contract was upheld for approximately 1 month when everything went out the window. Progressively, all agreements of their residency fell bad and disrepect, lies and manipulation increased. After several sit downs with them and reinforcement that we could not tolerate the behavior, no change was made and the "last straw" shall we say took place on Christmas Eve. I contacted my step-son's Grandmother and asked if he and his wife could stay there for a few days. She agreed. The step of telling them to leave turned into much more than it was and they became so angry that lies were told and I became the 'bad guy'.
During this time, my daughter lost her residency and asked to stay for a few days. My husband and I spoke and agreed to it indicating that we did not know when her step-brother may or may not be back.
Here we now are...my husband wanting his son to come back to the home with no discussion of behavior or progression to something beneficial for his life and his family, (he has a step-daughter himself, which they do not have custody of). They do not have jobs, nor do they seek them.
I am torn. My daughter who is staying with us right now, does have a job and has a place lined up to move into on March 1st. I have prayed and prayed for peace and direction in my positions, but come to the same answer; I do not want them back in our home. The most I can feel comfortable with is asking that if they wish to come back into our home, that they have until March 1st to secure a job and keep it and to meet with us and a member of our church to discuss their issues and ours. This, I believe, will benefit everyone, and they are sincere about wanting to come back here, they will take steps, (which they have not since having been here initiatlly), to say, "hey, we agree and want to progress to a better life".
I welcome any questions or suggestions as this is straining my marriage and I can not give into enabling.
Please help!
Thanks in advance for any insight!!!
Ioklay
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#2
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#2
Honestly I would love to give advice, though it is tough to know where to begin without knowing the behaviors they displayed that led to the removal from your residence. Depending on the severity of what took place there are many different routes to take, though the whole giving them a deadline to be out by in the future could work.
 
traveler101

traveler101

Banned
#3
Aug 4, 2012
20
0
0
#3
Goodness, my prayers are with you on this one. There is no easy answer or quick cure for this situation, I'm afraid. You are stuck in that spot of wanting to help and yet starting to enable them. Some thoughts and suggestions.... Have you talked with your husband about the contract they all signed and how the son didn't follow thru with their end and so what should be the next steps? Even if that is a hard answer and may not be pleasant, that needs to be looked at. What is consistant and expected as a true parent and someone that loves them enough to let them live their own life and suffer their own consequences. What would your husband suggest if he did decide to let his son move back in? Sounds like you have some ideas. Can you come to some sort of set agreement before you approach the son with any offers? Can the two of you prayer TOGETHER about it?

Now with your daughter. You need to be fair with her as well. If she said she was only going to stay a few days and that was the agreed upon time, then she needs to be held accountable for that. I realize that moving is expensive. I just did it myself, but it is part of life's journey and helps you learn to budget and cut back on the "extras." I don't know your daughter's situation but March seems like quite a ways out there, and she should be able to find a cheaper apartment for a couple months until that other set-up comes thru. I realize that this may be hard because she is your daughter, but this is probably the same feeling that your husband is feeling for his son.

At some point you have to let them live their lives. If they make mistakes, it is theirs to make and theirs to clean-up. Love them as much as you want, be there for them, but you have to let them learn about life and the ups and downs of it sooner or later. Pray for them, leave them in God's hands. He is way bigger than any of this, anyways. He may need them all to go through this hardship in order to find him or grow closer to HIM.

These are just suggestions. Take them or leave them. My prayers are with your family, regardless.
 
K

kenisyes

Guest
#4
#4
Our prayer group has been dealing with a 65 year old couple about this for years. And my wife and I had to deal with an 80 year old great aunt with this for years. It is so hard to get people to do what they need to do. You are parents, not God. You were entrusted with children to raise, and you did all you could do, in the time He gave you to do it. They must learn to hear God. You say you have waited, negotiated, forgiven time and time again, prayed, feel certain you are right. Throw them out and stick to it. It is their next stage in growth into God, away from you. Put your hand to that plow and don't look back. That is God's will.

The more important consideration I do not see mentioned: I pray that you and your husband can become one mind on this, as that is sometimes the more significant problem, and your oneness may be the reason you have to go along with allowing them to stay.
 
Stephen63

Stephen63

Banned
#5
Aug 15, 2009
9,745
179
0
#5
Ioklady said:
Before I begin, please understand that I know this is such a short venue to relay my issue and request for help. I am a Christian Mother and Wife with a deep discouraging issue with my step-son. He had been living with my husband and I after being in prison for drug related crimes for approximately 3 years. We, or shall I be more specific, 'I', kicked him out on Christmas Eve after yet another esculated conflict of disrespect. He is recently married and both he and his new bride moved in with us after he was again arrested. When he was released, and after much prayer, I felt a true miracle sense of relief that this was a changed young man and therefore, agreed that he and his new wife could move into our home. We set ground rules and actually had them sign a contract of expected behaviors and goals. The contract was upheld for approximately 1 month when everything went out the window. Progressively, all agreements of their residency fell bad and disrepect, lies and manipulation increased. After several sit downs with them and reinforcement that we could not tolerate the behavior, no change was made and the "last straw" shall we say took place on Christmas Eve. I contacted my step-son's Grandmother and asked if he and his wife could stay there for a few days. She agreed. The step of telling them to leave turned into much more than it was and they became so angry that lies were told and I became the 'bad guy'.
During this time, my daughter lost her residency and asked to stay for a few days. My husband and I spoke and agreed to it indicating that we did not know when her step-brother may or may not be back.
Here we now are...my husband wanting his son to come back to the home with no discussion of behavior or progression to something beneficial for his life and his family, (he has a step-daughter himself, which they do not have custody of). They do not have jobs, nor do they seek them.
I am torn. My daughter who is staying with us right now, does have a job and has a place lined up to move into on March 1st. I have prayed and prayed for peace and direction in my positions, but come to the same answer; I do not want them back in our home. The most I can feel comfortable with is asking that if they wish to come back into our home, that they have until March 1st to secure a job and keep it and to meet with us and a member of our church to discuss their issues and ours. This, I believe, will benefit everyone, and they are sincere about wanting to come back here, they will take steps, (which they have not since having been here initiatlly), to say, "hey, we agree and want to progress to a better life".
I welcome any questions or suggestions as this is straining my marriage and I can not give into enabling.
Please help!
Thanks in advance for any insight!!!
Ioklay
Click to expand...
If you noticed what I put in bold in your message, you will see a series of actions that are quite common in households with children who are lazy and want to be sponges will do to a family.
1. They get into trouble with the law.
2. They move in because they don't have a job, and don't want a job.
3. They get thrown out.
4. He plays 'Mr. good boy' to get back in your house.
5. Once he's back, he shows his true colors again.

This couple will destroy your marriage if you let them. They are thinking of nobody but themselves. If you and your husband are already at odds over the situation, it's because this couple is trying to get you thrown out. Once you're gone, they believe they will have the whole house to themselves. Thus, the lies against you.
Stand your ground. Absolutely refuse to let them come back ever again. As a previous poster noted, they will reap what they sow. You and your husband must let them do that, in order for them to learn from their experience. If you baby them and let them have their way, they will learn absolutely nothing. Because they're constantly living in sin, you cannot trust them at all. If your husband is a Christian, remind him that there is no place for sin in your house. Pray for them, but keep them at a distance.
 
N

NeedingCounsel

Guest
#6
#6
It's difficult I am sure to see a loved one struggle with anything in life. With that said it is important that you not let this become a problem in your relationship with God and your husband. Just like kenisyes said it is important that you and your husband become one in agreement on how this situation should be handled. God wants for you to be one in all things that you do, think, feel and say.

Mark 10:8 and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh.

My prayers are with you and I hope that your mind is placed at ease on this situation and that all involved will receive God's grace and guidance.
 
I

Ioklady

Guest
#7
#7
Thank you all so very much! I read and prayed through each response and am humbled at your respect of our God in the family, relationships and this problem my husband and I are facing. Most recently, I spoke with a Christian counselor, who brought to light my own sin in allowing the enabling to interfere with my relationship with God. I did not think of it this way, but did realize he was correct in his statement. I am attempting to share a lot of this with my husband to engage conversation and prayer with him. I know he loves his son and that this is very difficult for him, but I feel as though I am not being a responsible and Godly parent by giving in. I already feel as though I should have been stronger sooner. I will continue to pray and see how this day leads to tomorrow. Thank you all again so very much!!!!
Ioklady
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#8
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#8
I'm so sorry you're going through this conflict! Kind of ruins Christmas :(

The real issue is with your husband. Healthy love for a child will guide them to maturity...which means living on their own, working, being a responsible, law-abiding citizen. He isn't doing them any favors by enabling irresponsible behavior.

Personally, I would refuse to live in a household where these things were going on. If the son and wife have the mental and physical capacity to live on their own and are just using you and your husband for their own lazy reasons, then something needs to be done. If my husband refused to address the problem, and the situation became desperate, I would even tell him that it's either me or them.

Praying for you and your husband...for wisdom and guidance and mutual understanding.


 
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