M
I feel really spiritually lost at the moment. I haven't been to church for a long time because my parents fostered me when I was 12 so they deemed me old enough to decide if I wanted to go with them and I went at the start but then I discovered partying and sin when I was 14 so I stopped going. But now I have a son and I want him to grow up with good, Christian values so I need to work on them in myself before I can teach him anything so I went to church on Sunday and to be honest it was awful, I hated it. Obviously they're aware of what's been going on in my life so when I turned up I felt like I was being judged by everybody there. Nobody would speak to me at all. For me church is about being welcomed, compassionate and understood no matter how bad what you've done is and I didn't feel that there. I have ADHD so I struggle enough to sit quietly and listen to someone speak for that long anyway but when I am trying and putting in the effort to pay attention and better myself it seems like it just gets thrown right back at my face. I don't particularly want to go back next Sunday but I want to be able to learn more and dedicate as much time as I can to God and that's a way to do that. I used to be able to focus better on God while at church because everything I can be distracted by in there is related to God in some way but I'm not sure I can put up with the people there right now which is a really horrible thing to say. I doubt that they deliberately acted that way to isolate or condemn me but it really feels that way and I'm not sure how I can move forward as a Christian. I'm not really sure where God is right now but I don't think he's with me and I guess that's my fault. I want to be a good person and I am trying so hard but I need help getting there and I'm praying for help but I still feel alone in this when I know that God is good and wouldn't abandon me but it seems like I can't reach him. How much does it take for a bad person to become good again?