M
I'll try to keep this short, but...we'll see how it goes.
So, I'm currently dealing with the repercussions of a choice I recently made, a choice I felt sure was right at the time, but now I think the whole thing should have been done differently.
I have been part of two small, separate groups of friends who are all part of a larger group who enjoy the same hobby. For clarity, I'll label them groups A and B. Here's the thing: I was friends with the women in group A for longer, but was given sort of a manager/leader position in group B, despite not really knowing the other women very well. This was all fine- I spent time with both groups, everyone was getting along, it was all sunshine and daisies. However, I started noticing that any conversations I had with people in group B centered around other members of the main group. One woman in particular seemed to have all the "info" on pretty much every person there, and had no qualms sharing it. She also had a habit of embellishing the stories and expected the rest of us in group B to cut all contact with whoever she happened to be bad mouthing that day. It was all very...junior high. I got tired of it pretty fast, but I was done when she started in on my friends from group A.
I gave up the leadership position, only saying I didn't really have time anymore (which was true, just not the whole truth). I omitted the part about being uncomfortable with the constant gossip and the part about disagreeing with the one woman's treatment of people because I didn't want to start a fight, and I felt I could still help out in group B to support the other girls as long as I steered clear of the gossipers.
But then, the main instigator in group B went online and posted something untrue and damaging about my closest friend from group A, for all the members of the entire group to see...except she did it under someone else's name.
Confusion and wrongful accusations and cat fights and pettiness ensued. Feelings were hurt. Reputations were in mortal peril (ok, not quite, but it was fun to type). Anyway, I was one of the only people who knew exactly what was going on, and I thought it would be right to help if I could. So I went to my friend and told her who was actually behind the drama. I simply told her basically what I've shared here- the woman from group B enjoys gossip, tells stories, and also that she isn't trustworthy.
My friend was then able to go to this other woman and try to sort it out. Unfortunately, it turned into a nasty fight, in which my name was brought up (which was fine, I wasn't trying to be all sneaky or anything). Buuuut, thanks to this, I now have several women from group B very angry at me, and I've been called some pretty fun names, the mildest of them being 'snitch'.
I did make the effort to sit down with three ladies (not the main instigator, who is the one doing most of the name calling) and apologize to them for what they felt was a betrayal of their trust-
One woman just said Hey, don't worry about it.
One woman said Hey, I totally get why you did what you did.
The other woman said That's fine but...(and proceeded to tell me I had behaved very wrongly and immaturely, so I apologized again, to which she replied That's fine but...(more repeating of my crimes as she saw them)).
Anyway! If you're still with me...
I've alienated all of group B, and part of that is due to being bad mouthed by the one lady (possibly-probably- at least two of the women I apologized to as well).
The women in group A, including my friend, are very warm towards me, and have expressed gratitude for me having "helped", and also complimented my "strength of character" for extracting myself from such a negative situation.
And I'm over here feeling terrible because I had thought it was the right thing to do, but now I feel more like I should have either kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it altogether, or else I should have gone directly to the woman from group B and confronted her. My intent was never to go behind anyone's back, or to rat anyone out, but simply to get away from the vicious gossip and to warn a friend and give her the tool she needed to be able to defend herself against damaging lies. But I feel like...a snitch. It's all that much worse for me because I so rarely get that involved with new people or friendships, and now that I've tried, I'm regretting it.
What would have been right to do?
So, I'm currently dealing with the repercussions of a choice I recently made, a choice I felt sure was right at the time, but now I think the whole thing should have been done differently.
I have been part of two small, separate groups of friends who are all part of a larger group who enjoy the same hobby. For clarity, I'll label them groups A and B. Here's the thing: I was friends with the women in group A for longer, but was given sort of a manager/leader position in group B, despite not really knowing the other women very well. This was all fine- I spent time with both groups, everyone was getting along, it was all sunshine and daisies. However, I started noticing that any conversations I had with people in group B centered around other members of the main group. One woman in particular seemed to have all the "info" on pretty much every person there, and had no qualms sharing it. She also had a habit of embellishing the stories and expected the rest of us in group B to cut all contact with whoever she happened to be bad mouthing that day. It was all very...junior high. I got tired of it pretty fast, but I was done when she started in on my friends from group A.
I gave up the leadership position, only saying I didn't really have time anymore (which was true, just not the whole truth). I omitted the part about being uncomfortable with the constant gossip and the part about disagreeing with the one woman's treatment of people because I didn't want to start a fight, and I felt I could still help out in group B to support the other girls as long as I steered clear of the gossipers.
But then, the main instigator in group B went online and posted something untrue and damaging about my closest friend from group A, for all the members of the entire group to see...except she did it under someone else's name.
Confusion and wrongful accusations and cat fights and pettiness ensued. Feelings were hurt. Reputations were in mortal peril (ok, not quite, but it was fun to type). Anyway, I was one of the only people who knew exactly what was going on, and I thought it would be right to help if I could. So I went to my friend and told her who was actually behind the drama. I simply told her basically what I've shared here- the woman from group B enjoys gossip, tells stories, and also that she isn't trustworthy.
My friend was then able to go to this other woman and try to sort it out. Unfortunately, it turned into a nasty fight, in which my name was brought up (which was fine, I wasn't trying to be all sneaky or anything). Buuuut, thanks to this, I now have several women from group B very angry at me, and I've been called some pretty fun names, the mildest of them being 'snitch'.
I did make the effort to sit down with three ladies (not the main instigator, who is the one doing most of the name calling) and apologize to them for what they felt was a betrayal of their trust-
One woman just said Hey, don't worry about it.
One woman said Hey, I totally get why you did what you did.
The other woman said That's fine but...(and proceeded to tell me I had behaved very wrongly and immaturely, so I apologized again, to which she replied That's fine but...(more repeating of my crimes as she saw them)).
Anyway! If you're still with me...
I've alienated all of group B, and part of that is due to being bad mouthed by the one lady (possibly-probably- at least two of the women I apologized to as well).
The women in group A, including my friend, are very warm towards me, and have expressed gratitude for me having "helped", and also complimented my "strength of character" for extracting myself from such a negative situation.
And I'm over here feeling terrible because I had thought it was the right thing to do, but now I feel more like I should have either kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it altogether, or else I should have gone directly to the woman from group B and confronted her. My intent was never to go behind anyone's back, or to rat anyone out, but simply to get away from the vicious gossip and to warn a friend and give her the tool she needed to be able to defend herself against damaging lies. But I feel like...a snitch. It's all that much worse for me because I so rarely get that involved with new people or friendships, and now that I've tried, I'm regretting it.
What would have been right to do?