Funny words aren't they? Trust me. Honestly, I struggle with the concept. What does it mean? How far and for how long can I trust you? What happens when you hurt me? Reject me? Abandon me? Can I trust you then? As I type this tears are running down my face, and I wonder if this is a complete mistake. After all I haven't met any of you... but then again, just because you are in someone's presence doesn't always mean the person(s) are trustworthy.
Hmm. "Trust me." They really are funny words. I question how trust works. For instance, some of the people I've met in this forum I believe I could PM if I needed advice or wanted to chat. I trust them enough to evaluate their words and possibly take their counsel or accept me to a point. Then again, how could I possibly trust people who sin and hurt and are imperfect? Really, how can I trust anyone at all, myself included? People that I've allowed close to me have hurt me, abandoned me, rejected me, said things they shouldn't, haven't apologized or don't mean it, haven't included me in situations, and the list could go on and on. So I end up hurt and wondering if I should trust at all.
This is where I'm at. I'm currently wrestling with my very own angel, and I have a feeling I'm going to end up with a limp like Israel.
My first sponsor knew I had trust issues. She had known me my whole life and watched me head down my various paths of addictions. One day she brought up the concept of trust, and I'll never forget when she looked me square in the eye and said, "I don't trust my husband." I was taken aback because how could she not trust her husband?! She had been married to him since God was a boy, they had 5 kids together, and he was the pastor of the church. She repeated herself and then asked, "Do you know why?" I shook my head too dumbfounded to answer, and she said, "Because he's a man." Now, I knew she had trust issues of her own, and she often cautioned me about the evils of men. So I chuckled and rolled my eyes at her. She replied, "No really Aimee, I don't trust him because he's a man. He's human. He hurts me, says the stupidest things, is self centered, snores, has a short temper and much more." Here's what really caught my attention. She continued with, "I love my husband, but I don't trust him. I trust Christ through him, however. I trust that as long as he sticks close to God, then everything will turn out okay. I know that Christ is the only One I can trust, and if Ken left me and the Lord, God will get me through it. I trust no man, only God." She and I had that conversation about 5 years ago. I still remember it like it happened just yesterday, and if I had the power to bring just one person back to life, it would be her. I miss her more than I can fully explain.
Trust is a funny thing, isn't it? I'm trusting y'all won't run and hide from me after reading this, and I'm trusting that God had a point in me writing this out.
Earlier today I was praying and I asked God why I couldn't just be told what I wanted to know. Why wouldn't He tell me? It was a simple yes or no question. I wasn't asking for a burning bush, just a yes or a no. What I heard was, "just hold on". And I am now fully convinced that God is working on my trust issues. Actually, trust issues are mostly control issues, so I guess that's going to be ironed out as well.
Thank you all for reading this. I honestly see this as an acceptance issue, and I appreciate the time y'all took to take a peek into who I am.
Hmm. "Trust me." They really are funny words. I question how trust works. For instance, some of the people I've met in this forum I believe I could PM if I needed advice or wanted to chat. I trust them enough to evaluate their words and possibly take their counsel or accept me to a point. Then again, how could I possibly trust people who sin and hurt and are imperfect? Really, how can I trust anyone at all, myself included? People that I've allowed close to me have hurt me, abandoned me, rejected me, said things they shouldn't, haven't apologized or don't mean it, haven't included me in situations, and the list could go on and on. So I end up hurt and wondering if I should trust at all.
This is where I'm at. I'm currently wrestling with my very own angel, and I have a feeling I'm going to end up with a limp like Israel.
My first sponsor knew I had trust issues. She had known me my whole life and watched me head down my various paths of addictions. One day she brought up the concept of trust, and I'll never forget when she looked me square in the eye and said, "I don't trust my husband." I was taken aback because how could she not trust her husband?! She had been married to him since God was a boy, they had 5 kids together, and he was the pastor of the church. She repeated herself and then asked, "Do you know why?" I shook my head too dumbfounded to answer, and she said, "Because he's a man." Now, I knew she had trust issues of her own, and she often cautioned me about the evils of men. So I chuckled and rolled my eyes at her. She replied, "No really Aimee, I don't trust him because he's a man. He's human. He hurts me, says the stupidest things, is self centered, snores, has a short temper and much more." Here's what really caught my attention. She continued with, "I love my husband, but I don't trust him. I trust Christ through him, however. I trust that as long as he sticks close to God, then everything will turn out okay. I know that Christ is the only One I can trust, and if Ken left me and the Lord, God will get me through it. I trust no man, only God." She and I had that conversation about 5 years ago. I still remember it like it happened just yesterday, and if I had the power to bring just one person back to life, it would be her. I miss her more than I can fully explain.
Trust is a funny thing, isn't it? I'm trusting y'all won't run and hide from me after reading this, and I'm trusting that God had a point in me writing this out.
Earlier today I was praying and I asked God why I couldn't just be told what I wanted to know. Why wouldn't He tell me? It was a simple yes or no question. I wasn't asking for a burning bush, just a yes or a no. What I heard was, "just hold on". And I am now fully convinced that God is working on my trust issues. Actually, trust issues are mostly control issues, so I guess that's going to be ironed out as well.
Thank you all for reading this. I honestly see this as an acceptance issue, and I appreciate the time y'all took to take a peek into who I am.