I was 16 and one night I prayed to fall in love. The next night it happened. I was at a club dancing with a girl and something came over me, a miracle, a spirit of love filled the air so much that everybody else there could feel it and watched us. Pouring a puddle of sweat, seeing her glowing, her kiss made my knees to weak to stand. This was not from inexperience of youth either, romance was nothing new to me. I kissed her friend that same night even because I didnt know that would happen,.. teenagers. Its ok because she did the same thing the next night, kissed another guy. It got me by surprise because she felt it too and was so happy and always prayed to be with me and I knew that and it just wasnt even like her to do that anyway. And we both knew that the experience we had was not only emotion. As she grew up she said at the time she was just scared and insecure, and I didnt show her enough affection and confirmation of it all. So after that night we went our separate ways, and my friends didnt hang out with her friends anymore.
All of this paragraph went on for seven years. She went on to call me every day, all day, hoping I would answer so she could beg for forgiveness. If I ever did answer I just was less than courteous and told her to stop calling. But the calls kept coming to fill my caller ID to 50 every day. I did not talk to her and moved away. Neither of us moved on. We both were miserably depressed at times so much we rarely left the house. I would walk around just talking about her to everybody I met, or telling stories about it and not realize I was doing it. Apparently she did it so much also that she was known for it. When I would visit her town, I would meet new people and they would say this girl was just talking about me. There was times I cried so much over it I cried blood because my tear ducts burst. And I have seen in her diary since she was young every single page was about her being hopeful we would be back together one day. I know she must have cried alot too. So much showed we loved each other. But I could not be with her after what she did. We actually tried to be together twice and it didnt work because of circumstances. One was so unlikely and against the odds that nobody can deny it was the Lords own hand, literally one in trillions. And we did try and alot happened that I am not putting in the story but it just never worked, like at all. But we loved each other. Its like we both did things to push each other away. Then left, and waited again. And in ways I could have handled it all better too but I was young and didnt know much about women. But we both waited for each other and all of this went on for seven years. Neither of us has even spoken to anybody else. Any anybody from small towns where all your friends know each other, you know there is nothing to hide. It became a love story in the local area. People would see me when I would visit home and first thing they ask is... "Is it true?". She was a beautiful model actually so her waiting so long got alot of attention. Sometimes I still see her on ads from when she was young. After all these years it drove us both mad waiting for nothing but not being able to move on. She gave up on love all together and moved on to more worldly things. I started moving on too and talking to others. But before we both moved on we were together one last time. We both had a feeling and knew it so much we said it from the beginning that it would be the last. We both grew up in poverty and did not have the opportunity to go to school, so we were forced to grow up very fast and live in the adult world very young but there was still no opportunity where we lived and we were too young to work. We were nothing like the other kids our age. She was the model that had millionaires chasing her on their knees. I used to dress good and lived fast so I went far. We both had attention in our area. We both kinda did know what others had to offer. So when we got together for the last time we both kinda knew we couldnt make the other happy even though we loved each other. The way it turned out, she taught me everything a man truly desires deep down, things men would not usually think or dream. And I taught her all the ways to be good to a man, things most women do not fully understand or have even thought of. Everything we did horribly wrong and what we could have done like a master. Its like we healed each other where we failed each other, but not by explaining things and talking, but by dipping each other in the fire to be braised in blood. Then we went our separate ways and never saw each other again. It was closure I guess because we both were free afterwards.
I happened to meet someone just a few days later. All the stuff that happened in the last paragraph, happened again but this time a million times more miracle, and love, more problems, more pain, more betrayal, more lessons than before. This time just fully beyond human comprehension. It became even a greater love story in another place. Again people approached me and asked "Is it true?". Again we got alot of attention for what we did and who we were. We fell in love and she had some ego issue and tried to prove something instead of push it away in fear like the other. I would like to go into full detail but unfortunately I can not because she is a figure of political and public importance and too much happened on both ends to discuss. But it lasted for another seven years. But not us, we only lasted a short time like the last girl. The falling in love part and not moving on part is what lasted for us both,... the regret. She has decided to never get married or have a relationship again and seems pretty firm in her decision for most of her life so far.
I know that the same story happening is weird, my life has always been nothing but weird. But I know the Lord has been protecting my heart from use and keeping me stashed away from the world most of my life for the one I am meant to be with. The Lord told me all about her when I was young, before I even met the other two. This gave me strength in times I did not have it, and I know kept me strong enough to stay alive in some situations. Its always been the most important thing in my life next to the Creator. It seems the story is starting to repeat itself. The first lesson was to make me ready in the body and world, the second lesson was of the mind and soul, this one seems to be headed towards a lesson of the heart and spirit. I say this because thats what its taking for me to mature to mastery in to get any further in the story I am in now, seven years later. The fact it was seven years three times was just a fun fact and coincidence, nowhere near exact I dont think, maybe months apart. But still all of it to me it seems to obviously have been pieced together perfectly. I think being the quiet kid growing up and not taking many chances made me regret that. Where I came from wasnt good and most of my life passed me by. The women with the best body, mind, then heart in the world caught my eye. My life has been a fable because I chased my dream and took a shot for the stars, where I didnt even belong. It has also caused me to fall and crash hard when I didnt quiet reach the sky. But this time I am aiming for heaven. So my life has been full of lessons and endurance in romance and everything else in life for that matter. I know many here that frequent this forum feel the same way and prefer to wait for someone very special other than just date whoever is around.
What do I regret in relationships? I could say not submitting to the Lord so I can get the reward I so know will come one day. But it doesnt work like that. I was always broken. Broken things just dont work the way they are supposed to no matter how hard they try. I always wanted to aim for heaven and find my dream destiny. But we have to live and learn what the father is screaming to us so we can hear ever so softly by the voice of life itself. We have to learn that we dont know our true destiny, and to love ourselves, and to have faith in life itself. If I would have had faith in the Heavenly Father more I would have realized this sooner and saved alot of years of misery from my life, but it still wouldnt have been the right time.
The Father is in all things. He knows if what he brings us is a lesson or what he has prepared us for. To feed any grape you just feed it any fertilizer and hose water. But to feed a wine grape you give it plenty of good nutrients while letting it thirst, only to drink rain water as it fights for life. This is so it can ripen enough that the wine is not bitter.
I never regret anything I did. I used to regret all that I didnt do. Now I regret all that I do or not, that is not who I am. For example, I should regret writing this message but my heart told me I should.