Thanks Tourist!
I used to not care.. Rude, condescending, nasty, we could go on. My photo was in the dictionary next to them.
Bad habits are horrible things to admire. I did that for a long time because I was hurt and felt unloved.
When I knew God loved me without waiver, it melted my heart and I couldn't muster the courage to be those anymore.
Do I have kinks? Yes. This site is full of them unfortunately. I do apologise when I see my wrong
It's not the easiest to believe acceptance is possible when life has taught you that it's not...... Redeemed, renewed mind, not reverting to old thinking here... Takes work
Back in the early 1980s when I was a young child just starting school, the knowledge of autism was pretty fledgling, and even more so for Aspergers. Everyone knew I was different from other kids but couldn't give it a name or figure out how to deal with it or help me deal with it. Well, to be sure, other kids knew I was different to, and we all know how "wonderful" kids act towards other kids who are a bit different. Add to that, I had a horrific stuttering problem as a young kid that I eventually got under control, but I was always afraid to talk to anyone because I'd always be made fun of for the way I spoke.
...so in a long way, I am saying that I learned very early on how to be nasty to people. Trying to explain to them didn't work. Asking them politely to not tease or torment me certainly didn't work. The only way to shut down the way I was treated was to get very nasty verbally and if need be, very violent physically. Bullies would get their ego promptly deflated when "that stuttering retard Jon" would beat their face to a swollen, bruised mess or if I could say something "just right" and humiliate them in front of a large group of people.
Being a nasty person has been a source of strength for me, odd as it may sound. True, I have no friends and no social life to speak of, but I certainly don't take crap from anybody. If I choose to not say anything, it's not because I have nothing to say - it's because I don't deem the recipient worthy of hearing my reply. If I really put my mind to it, I could probably untie all these personality knots and be a "nice" person, but I don't think I want to do that.
In a way, I am trying to be better. I am more often choosing NOT to say anything. I haven't spoke a word aloud in real life in about a month. I am more often NOT posting here at CC unless it's in the "fun" threads - the other ones either confuse me or I get mad, and nothing will ever change so I just don't bother for the most part. Even trying to make a joke in the wrong spot on this forum will get a person in trouble. The rest of the world and I are coming to an agreement. We don't like each other and should go our separate ways. Message received and understood, aye, aye sir!
Sorry for the verbose derail. Back to your regularly scheduled thread...