I can't really say specifically as to why I would believe. Matter of fact, I still struggle on making up my mind and wondering what it is that I need to do and if the God that I hope for truly exists. Leap of faith, to a certain extent at least, does take part. The difference of how we define our faith is whether or not we invest the time to see every side of the dice when it comes to such possibilities and eventually making up our minds (free will). We don't have to remain ignorant unless we decide to.
As it may be known by now, yes I did grow up under the Catholic faith. While doing so, I never really had full concept as to why we would do the tasks we would do and what it would achieve for us. As time went on and doing what the church as well as religion class told us to do, I thought that by the time I made my confirmation that there was one thing in my life that I've done right to even obtain that and that it had us repairing what ever may have been broken for God. It didn't help that at home as well as the majority of the people I grew up around that were practicing Catholics weren't that great of an influence let alone even wear that title on their sleeve and take it off once they stepped out of church.
I have stepped away from it while I was in the middle of high school without putting much thought since that event and felt like everything around me was proving what I have learned was false. It wasn't easy since I questioned if there was a God and questioning everything around me but desperately wanting something to hold onto. I've participated in things that Christians say are satanic though I didn't know it was that bad at the time and wondered why they said it was and for that I think was the reason why I never turned to atheism since it would disprove that the atheistic belief of this life being it and we're done.
Fast forward to this day and age... I can't say much has changed but after trying to find something that everything that I tried still wasn't working for me. I have learned how cruel this world is let alone know the pain of rejection in of itself but still lacking answers. Anxiety over anything that lead to disappointment also started to drain me. As far as holding onto this as some crutch to try making my mind a bit more at ease, I'm not sure but I won't deny if that is the case. I just want answers. I believe I wouldn't be alive if I never sought as far as I have. There's so much I could say but I'm taking enough space as it is.
I am not sure exactly what to say to you sister, but please don't give up yet and keep on holding on. This time 13 months ago I felt the same way. I really liked the "idea" of Jesus, and would even drag myself to a church house on Tues. night's, yet I knew Him not. Church always made me feel better afterwards, but I had real world stuff to worry about like bills, or work, or whatever else I had going on at the time. I would have rather come home and play video games or something like that then even think about God myself, let alone pray, read the bible, or anything else to try to draw closer. See I had been deceived, I thought I was a Christian and I had no clue what being a Christian even truly was. At this point I too could think things like "since I questioned if there was a God and questioning everything around me but desperately wanting something to hold onto". So I understand how that goes, but something BIG happened in my life and everything I thought about this world was shattered in a motorcycle accident. I wont go into that (it's all on the testimonies forum if interested) but what this did was jar me out of the fake comfort zone this world paints around us from birth and break me totally, crushed my pride completely.
See I already thought I was a Christian so I was so confused, what had I done to deserve this? But the day came where I gave up. I had already been praying for my own death every 5 seconds of every day for about 2 years, I wanted NOTHING else. I couldn't abandon my two boys like that though. Nothing else kept me here, just them until the day I broke.
I hit my knees in anguish crying out not for Jesus or God to help, but just this "I can't do this any more! World you win and I quit, I can't take this anymore. I QUIT!!!!!", and I was talking about life in general, I just gave up totally in my mind. I had no clue what I was in for that next morning. I didn't even know what had happened that next day, I just knew the urge to die I had grow so used to was gone and I felt new. I didn't know I had been regenerated but I knew it was from God. I recently remembered describing it to people around me like I had an umbilical cord strait to the Holy Spirit. At the time I didn't realize how literal that was seeing as how I had just been reborn. God is real sweetheart, and He is more than a choice you made at some alter call. We have to submit our will to His to receive His gift. I wish I knew a better way to tell you how to go about doing that because I wouldn't suggest my route, but He's kept you this long, just keep seeking sister. I promise you that He can give you that assurance, but we have to submit. If there is anything I could ever do to support you in that effort please let me know. May God pour His peace and understanding into you.