Wife or Family Obligation: Which Comes First?

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O

Optimist

Guest
#1
#1
Gonna try to shorten this, because it's long and complicated to explain. I live in Georgia, my wife moved here from Washington state. Our families are pretty different; mine is very strict Christian Baptist, which is good, but they're also controlling, stubborn, very judgmental, closet racist, and too prideful to ever see fault in themselves. It's extremely hard to even talk to them about anything important, even religion. They live in constant fear of everything. (My aunt and uncle are more normal.) My wife's family doesn't enforce any particular religion; some believe in God, some don't, but they're all respectful either way. Some of them have made mistakes before with drinking, gambling, and fornication, but aren't bad people - during the two weeks we visited Washington, I felt more comfortable and at home there than I have for many years in Georgia. I also liked the area and convenience of Vancouver better than the very rural areas we live in presently. My wife and I were both very sheltered growing up, so us meeting online and getting married the way we did was kind of nuts, but we're a perfect couple, and though she's still struggling with her faith (my family not helping, since they kind of a negative, somewhat hypocritical Christian stereotype), she's made a lot of progress since we met.

So here's the problem; my wife is increasingly miserable here, and every time we do anything my family disagrees with, we get long, aggressive lectures about how badly we're screwing up and what we should be doing. We aren't even trying to do bad things, just things that aren't exactly what they want us to do all the time. For instance, during church revivals, we went to every Church, every day, but they were still unhappy that we weren't going twice a day, and the one day we didn't go to Church, they freaked out. Or, when my adopted sister was being rude to my wife frequently, and she was finally rude back, we got a long aggressive lecture about being nice to her. Visiting her family over the holidays made her very homesick, especially since her father is recovering extremely well from his alcohol problems and has become a good family man again. She feels like she has no friends or family in Georgia, or any particular reason to stay besides me. And I don't have any particular reason to stay in Georgia besides my family, who I don't even feel very close with, so it feels unfair to her to stay here just out of pity for my family. We tried to discuss possibly staying in Washington for a while, just to try it out, but were berated immediately and told we are not allowed to leave, ever; that my mom would kill herself, my grandmother would have a heartattack; that because my grandfather is dead and my father left a long time ago, I was the 'man of the house' and it was my responsibility to take care of my family for the rest of their lives. Also, Washington is apparently a sinful place that's going to be smitten by God, and my wife's family are horrible godless people that would corrupt.

So I was curious, which obligation is stronger; my obligations to the family that raised me, or my obligations as a husband to my wife? In an absolute worst case scenario, where my wife is going to move back to Washington no matter what, am I chained to my family forever in spite of my marriage, or is it more important to go with my wife? I'm trying to be mediator between my wife and my family, but it's a very unhappy situation full of guilt trips and one-sided discussions, so I wanted to get some opinions from other Christians outside of the situation. (And sorry I wasn't able to make it very short! Didn't want to bore you with our entire life stories. Hope this'll do.)

Also, is Washington really an ungodly place doomed to flaming hailstones and pillars of salt? Is Georgia truly the only place in the world you can be saved anymore? (My family has very negative attitudes toward any church that does anything besides sing, play piano, and yell at you to get saved. Missions, vacation bible schools, anything beyond the basics is too 'citified.' Would like opinions on the matter from Christians I'm not related to :p )

Thank you for your time, and God bless you all. This seems like a wonderful site, and I've enjoyed lurking around reading your other discussions while waiting for my username to be accepted.
 
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O

Optimist

Guest
#2
#2
Should also mention that all this stress with my family has been giving my wife minor health problems she never had before moving here. >_>
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#3
#3
The bible says you LEAVE your family and CLEAVE to your wife. This doesn't mean you completely ditch your family, but biblically speaking your wife comes first.
As for the 2nd question, I know what you are saying, but a location doesn't save you. God saves you and HIs grace enables you to live a Godly life wherever He's called you. I live in the San Fernando Valley--porn capital of the world... I guess God could rain fire here if He wanted. But that doesn't really concern me. My concern is only to be where God has called me. Many Christians move to "Gods country" to get closer to God...as if wide open spaces, a less congested population and better traffic is where He prefers to be. This is not so. God is everywhere in the heart of every believer whether they're imprisoned in some "God-forsaken" big city or the hills of Tennessee.
 
T

tenderhearted

Guest
#4
#4
Your obligation is to you wife. As someone said before the bible says that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. You and your wife are adults and you can't let your family run your lives. If you don't stand up for yourself and your wife, they will destroy your marriage. Your family is manipulating you. Your wife needs to know that she is first or you will lose her. Your relationship with your family isn't healthy, so give Washington state a try. I know what your going through. My husband's family tried to control him and he couldn't see the manipulation at first. Then his family made him choose between them or me and he chose me. Unfortunately, they wanted everything their way. We lived in a different state and they wouldn't visit. They were not interested in my husband's life. They only cared about what my husband could do for them. It was a very sad situation. Just heart breaking. This is just part of the story, but I'm sharing this to encourage you that you're not alone. God will bless you for being the leader of your home and for choosing your wife. I hope this helps. Pray about your decision. God bless you!!!
 
AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#5
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#5
Biblically, a man is called to leave his father and mother and be joined together with his wife. Your wife is your #1 obligation.

It bears repeating; your wife is your number one obligation.

Her well-being is more important than your parents, more important than your job, more important than money; more important than everything.


And I'm not sure if you really wanted this answered but, no Washington is not a doomed state. In fact, many people consider places in the "Bible belt" (such as Georgia) to be spiritually stagnant (the Bible calls it "lukewarm" which is a bad thing). Washington would probably do you two good. Of course, not everyone there is that way, but you need to listen to your wife in this instance.

edit: btw...in my opinion, any church which has a negative attitude toward missions is spiritually dead.
 
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RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#6
Oct 31, 2011
8,200
182
0
#6
My birth family has informed me that they don't like me, never have, and I and all my children are to be separated from them. My family problem is different from yours, except it involves people around us not listening to how God wants us to live.

I can't do anything aout how my family has decided, it is between them and God and God says I'm to leave it to Him and let Him handle it. I'd really like to be angry at them, but God informs me my place is simply to see the best in them and forgive. It is probably a step God would have you and your wife take.

God says you and your wife are now one, and while we are to lve and care for the family God gives us, acting in any way that isn't at one with your wife isn't God's way.

I'll pray for God to have patience with your family, and do enjoy Washington. I have.
 
9

99caravan

Guest
#7
#7
Optimist said:
Gonna try to shorten this, because it's long and complicated to explain. I live in Georgia, my wife moved here from Washington state. Our families are pretty different; mine is very strict Christian Baptist, which is good, but they're also controlling, stubborn, very judgmental, closet racist, and too prideful to ever see fault in themselves. It's extremely hard to even talk to them about anything important, even religion. They live in constant fear of everything. (My aunt and uncle are more normal.) My wife's family doesn't enforce any particular religion; some believe in God, some don't, but they're all respectful either way. Some of them have made mistakes before with drinking, gambling, and fornication, but aren't bad people - during the two weeks we visited Washington, I felt more comfortable and at home there than I have for many years in Georgia. I also liked the area and convenience of Vancouver better than the very rural areas we live in presently. My wife and I were both very sheltered growing up, so us meeting online and getting married the way we did was kind of nuts, but we're a perfect couple, and though she's still struggling with her faith (my family not helping, since they kind of a negative, somewhat hypocritical Christian stereotype), she's made a lot of progress since we met.

So here's the problem; my wife is increasingly miserable here, and every time we do anything my family disagrees with, we get long, aggressive lectures about how badly we're screwing up and what we should be doing. We aren't even trying to do bad things, just things that aren't exactly what they want us to do all the time. For instance, during church revivals, we went to every Church, every day, but they were still unhappy that we weren't going twice a day, and the one day we didn't go to Church, they freaked out. Or, when my adopted sister was being rude to my wife frequently, and she was finally rude back, we got a long aggressive lecture about being nice to her. Visiting her family over the holidays made her very homesick, especially since her father is recovering extremely well from his alcohol problems and has become a good family man again. She feels like she has no friends or family in Georgia, or any particular reason to stay besides me. And I don't have any particular reason to stay in Georgia besides my family, who I don't even feel very close with, so it feels unfair to her to stay here just out of pity for my family. We tried to discuss possibly staying in Washington for a while, just to try it out, but were berated immediately and told we are not allowed to leave, ever; that my mom would kill herself, my grandmother would have a heartattack; that because my grandfather is dead and my father left a long time ago, I was the 'man of the house' and it was my responsibility to take care of my family for the rest of their lives. Also, Washington is apparently a sinful place that's going to be smitten by God, and my wife's family are horrible godless people that would corrupt.

So I was curious, which obligation is stronger; my obligations to the family that raised me, or my obligations as a husband to my wife? In an absolute worst case scenario, where my wife is going to move back to Washington no matter what, am I chained to my family forever in spite of my marriage, or is it more important to go with my wife? I'm trying to be mediator between my wife and my family, but it's a very unhappy situation full of guilt trips and one-sided discussions, so I wanted to get some opinions from other Christians outside of the situation. (And sorry I wasn't able to make it very short! Didn't want to bore you with our entire life stories. Hope this'll do.)

Also, is Washington really an ungodly place doomed to flaming hailstones and pillars of salt? Is Georgia truly the only place in the world you can be saved anymore? (My family has very negative attitudes toward any church that does anything besides sing, play piano, and yell at you to get saved. Missions, vacation bible schools, anything beyond the basics is too 'citified.' Would like opinions on the matter from Christians I'm not related to :p )

Thank you for your time, and God bless you all. This seems like a wonderful site, and I've enjoyed lurking around reading your other discussions while waiting for my username to be accepted.
Click to expand...
Well, a few things... One, a man is to leave his mother and father and cling to his wife, when he gets married, so she comes first in that arena.
As for twice a day at church, and things like that... God doesn't dwell in any temple made with hands...
Community and fellowship are important and for believers, we find a renewed sense and vitality in worshipping our king. Worship, however is different for many people. I like songs, perhaps more than sermons, for example... but I like to read my bible a lot too, so perhaps explains a lot. In any event if the church you guys go to is a little too charasmatic for you or your wife, try perhaps a different one. One a little more reserved and perhaps with different worship music.

Has she accepted Christ as her own and personal saviour? Have you? If so, you will learn and realise that you walk with Christ on a personal level will be slightly different, and you walk together in worship to him will be a little different and vastly different than your parents. As we age, and mature in Christ, we become more reserved, and tend to be a lot more judgemental and follow the rules kind of things, some due to your spiritual maturity, and some just due to the fact that older people do less interesting things as they age.

Perhaps try a few other churches, see if there is a community of people who are your age and look like they might share some common interests as your wife and yourself, and perhaps consider getting her to join some of the life groups as a way and means of making friends outside your family. People who are the same age and not family :)

Hope some of this helps.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#8
#8
Congratulations on your marriage. It is great to read that you and your wife are so supportive of one another. Your first obligation is to your wife scripturally. However, your wife is to follow your lead, not the other way around. If it is what you want too, that would be different. I have to wonder why a Christian woman would threaten to kill herself if you move to another state. And if you are the "man of the house", why are they not following your lead rather than trying to control you and your wife? It doesn't add up to anything other than emotional blackmail from what you have said. Much prayer is needed.
 
P

psychomom

Guest
#9
#9
Optimist, I think you already know (knew? :) ) the answers to your questions. :)

God first, and always first.
Then your wife.
Then (eventually) your children.

And Julianna is right in that you lead and your wife follows,
not that it's a bad thing for you to want to bless her, and make her happy.

I am sorry to hear of these troubles, but be assured that the Lord loves you ALL,
and that He will care for your mom and siblings.

I'm praying for God's guidance for you,
and for perspective, and for your marriage.
Congrats, btw. :)
-ellie
 
J

JessW

Guest
#10
#10
God first and then your wife! Your family needs prayer and needs to release you from the bondage that they are placing you in but speaking from experience odds are they will not do that or it may take a long time! I think that it would benefit both you and your wife and your relationship tremendously if you moved! It seems as though you are living with your mom and that is not healthy for you and wife's relationship either if so. I think you and your wife need to separate yourselves from family and find out more of who you are as a couple. Pray for her that she will be saved. Find a good faith based church that will not condemn you for such silly things as your mother is and grow in that church. Once you and your wife are independent and filled with faith together then you can think about visiting your family and see how things go. You've got to be able to stand up for your wife and your beliefs and be very firm with your family that you now what you believe in and God is all you need. You only need his approval of your life not theirs. So, MOVE, get your priorities straight, then remind your family that you do still love them but God will control your life and not them. This is my prayer for you. In Jesus name. amen.
 
K

keep_on_smiling

Guest
#11
#11
As everyone has said, God first, your wife and children then everything else. If you feel led to go to Washington, then do so. Even if it were an "evil" place, when the Lord leads you should follow. (Perhaps you and your wife will be a nice light there ;) )

Af for your family, I'm going to try not to be judgmental. When you got married, your wife became your life after God. You and God alone are the only ones that decide your spiritual outcome. Your grandmother won't have a heart attack if you leave and your mother needs prayer. You shouldn't let them hold you back. Pray to God and have peace in where He takes you.

Marriage is such a beautiful thing and it sounds like you and your wife have the opportunity to live your life unto Him. Pray for strength. It's wonderful that your wife has stayed with you through all the pressure of your family. Praying for you both! God bless!
 
David_1

David_1

Banned
#13
Mar 21, 2011
1,515
16
0
#13
It sounds like your Mother has a mental illness. If a grown woman is threatening suicide if her married adult son is moving away, then this fits a few definitions. You might want to research: "Borderline Personality Disorder". My advice, from someone with a similar family background: Your life will be miserable if you design your future around the desires of a mentally ill person.

PUT YOUR WIFE BEFORE YOUR MOTHER.
 
Stephen63

Stephen63

Banned
#14
Aug 15, 2009
9,745
179
0
#14
Strictly from what I've read, it seems that your mother is the real head of the house, and she's trying to manipulate you because you are passive. When your wife finally spoke up, and argued back, you said nothing? I have seen families where the women were controlling and manipulative. From just these lines, it seems your family has three generations of it. You yourself need to stand up for your wife, let alone put her first. If you don't, you're not worthy of her.
I see the manipulation tactics because my own mother was manipulative. It took me several years to finally stand up to her, and when I finally did, I told her off in absolute anger. I admit I was wrong. But she drove me to it. We no longer speak. That was my decision, because I had had enough.
I would suggest your previous idea of trying out living in your wife's area. If for no other reason, you need to get away from your family for a while. Your wife really does. If you don't, you may eventually lose her.
 
R

rechem

Banned
#15
Jan 28, 2013
88
0
0
#15
The man leaves his mother and father to be with his wife.

Reason; reproduction (among others). Be fruitful and multiply.

you repeat the pattern of 'family' when you go to a wife.

You mother and father had you, they raised you as man and wife, and now you go to take on the role of husband, and raise your own children. So your obligation is with them. Children need their fathers.

Woman already knows the role of 'creator'. She creates life and it is easy for her to nurture it. So she needs learn the role of wife, as men are wives to God.

Men need understand the role of 'creator' and 'husband', being to our wives as God is to us. Merciful, kind, loving, gentle, patient, longsuffering. All these things.

We tend to want to lord over things and as such take by force and forsake waht doesn't fit into our very own perception of right and wrong. Ie. We want and desire what we want.

Learning to make sacrifice for children and wives is important. And you family, perhaps, if it comes to it, may need be a sacrifice you need to make for the sake of your wife and children.

The other side is that man can tend to be indecisive and passive, and in this case, we also need learn the role of 'Lord' better. Both are valid.

It seems you need realise that you have more power than you count yourself with. use it wisely. Do not be subservient to your wife, but do not be uinfair, just as you are wife to God, and he is not unfair to you.

Your wife deserves your loyalty above all but God.

God tells you to go with your wife. so make that decision.
 
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GOD_IS_LOVE

Senior Member
#16
Mar 16, 2009
306
4
18
#16
Could your mother/grandmother manage in your absence? If yes, you should discuss with your wife, analyze and decide what the two of you think is the best for you as a family. Then respectfully present your decision to your birth family.
 
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