Would love boyfriend/future husband advice

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volleyballgirl04

Guest
#1
#1
Okay, I really love my boyfriend. We have been together for 4 years and he's one of the best guys I've ever met, just not a great boyfriend. I am crazy about him still, but that might be the problem! My dream job is to be a stay at home wife/mom but that doesn't mean I'm the quiet one! Don't worry, I can stand up for myself. He is a very sweet, generous, and generally selfless christian guy(<-- that's important to me) but it seems like he's that way to everyone but me. Everyone in my family really loves him because of how nice and great of guy he is, and they all think we are perfect for each other. Which it seems like we are! I mean we are everything each other isn't but still share the same interest. It just seems like for 4 years I've been doing all the "work" in the relationship. I mean he never comes to my house or plans dates or anything, and I cook, clean and pretty much take care of all the responsibilities ever since his parents got divorced. We don't live together but we are together pretty much everyday after college and on the weekends. He doesn't ever seem to appreciate the things that I do for him unless I tell him it hurts me that he doesn't thank me, and even then it doesn't seem 100% sincere. We have talked and prayed about it and he say he really doesn't mean to do it, and he'll work on it (it seems real) but it never lasts long. He also seems sort of embarrassed of me, I have a very outgoing and spunky personality and he is more reserved and a loner. So when I do things like dance or sing (I'm NOT a good singer, but I love it) he asks me to stop, not meanly though, but it still hurts my feelings (he knows this). I know this is silly but I feel like I am so crazy in love with him and I am more like a "logical decision" to his very logic driven mind. I'm a "creative" type, so this probably explains my deep emotions. He says he really loves me even if he doesn't always show it, but I look for it in all the different love languages and I don't ever feel like he does that often. He has a hard time expressing emotions and I dont, his dad is very similar and now his parents are divorced, he even struggles telling me I'm pretty, like it's almost embarrassing to say, though I know he means it because he is the most honest guy I know, he would never say "illogical statements" like "your the most beautiful girl in the world" because he would say he's never seen all the girl in the world. I'm sorry I'm almost done! He's also in ROTC and is about to start a life as an officer in the Army and therefore about to move away. I am done with college and when he finishes we will be together for 6 years. He thinks "logically" we should get married because I'll be a great wife and mom, plus we are best friends. He hates to talk about it though, and defiantly not around other people (hates pda) I on the other hand would love to get married, but then I get a little worried when I see others relationships. I know movies aren't real but I feel like I want someone who really appreciates me and loves my quirks, not tries to hide them. It's hard because I feel so strongly for him, but I'm not sure if it's reciprocated. After 4 years we've talked about this a lot of times and he always feels so bad because he doesn't mean to hurt me and he's a really sweet guy. I hate to always nag him because it feels like I always have complaints of him (but plenty of compliments too!) And he never really has anything to say about me. We have broken up once before for 2 weeks but I really missed him and him, me. It just didn't feel right to be without him. I have prayed about it and talked to my friends and family but it is hard because they all really like him and so they don't really get it because he's so different to other people than me. I would really like to hear your Christian advice on this, and any additional question you have I'll try and answer. Also remember that being an Army wife is like double as hard so I have that to consider also!
 
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Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
This is what you call 'wall of text'. You have no paragraph or spaces. It makes things very difficult for most people to read and many people won't even attempt it. I suggest next time you hit the enter key every so often to create space breaks to make it easier for people to follow.
 
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Animus

Guest
#3
#3
I like him already. How young is he/you? For what reason did you break up for two weeks?
 
RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#4
Oct 31, 2011
8,200
182
0
#4
There is a very popular, very secular, book out called "He's just not that much into you". Many people are wasting time with people who are just not marriage material.

We are living in the last days, few people see their life as one to be lived under God, with God first. Marriage so often is not considered something they do under God, with an understanding of God's part in it. It is very difficult to live our life as a Christian in a world ruled by the secular world.

Even in the secular world, you are wasting your time and emotions.
 
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volleyballgirl04

Guest
#5
#5
Thank you for the quick replay! I appriciate that view and will continue to pray about it.
 
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volleyballgirl04

Guest
#6
#6
Good, I was really hoping I wasn't portraying him as a bad guy! We are 20 so young, I know, but as bad as it sounds the army also kind of puts a "rush" on us. We broke up because of these worries I had about him not really appreciating everything I do for him.
 
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NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#7
#7
When i was 20 i married someone in the military. Most of the men in my family were/are military so it was no big deal for me. Not a lot of people can handle it, that's why the infidelity and divorce rate is high among military couples.
Get used to being by yourself a lot and having to do things by yourself. I'm not trying to be ugly, but if you think two weeks without him was long, try 8 or 9 months.. sometimes longer. That's just what comes with it. Them being there is not guaranteed. Any problems you have now will only be amplified after marriage. Especially being married to someone in the military. If you don't feel secure now, you're not going to feel secure after marriage.


You can't change him, and marriage is not going to change him into how you want him to be.
 
C

Camarasaurus

Guest
#8
#8
Your boyfriend sounds just like my husband. This is our second marriage (my first husband died of cancer) and if it was my first marriage I might get more upset by his shy ways, but it doesn't bother me - I know he is a great guy who is shy in how he shows his emotions. I am the talkative one (but he is a great listenter), I am the outgoing one (but his quietness counters and compliments my overtness) etc.

Many times it is the woman who initiates the talking, showing affection, date nights, and does most of the cleaning, organizing and other such activities. This is an age old issue that won't go away any time soon.

You sound young, and so are wanting to have all those romantic gestures in your relationship. This isn't wrong or unimportnat, but over the long haul they can wear out, and if you don't have anything in common and are "best friends" that is what really can cause problems. Being best friends and having a lot in common is a firmer foundation than the stereo-typical romantic actions. It gets you through the hard times - and I can confirm that by personal experience.

Romance can be shown in different ways. My hubby and I kiss each other every night and every moring and say "I love you". It's short and sweet but it makes a difference. He won't say or do a lot of romantic overtures, but he is always doing little things for me. Saves me the last piece of pie, cookies, potato chips - picks up after himself (most of the time), does what he says he will do when he says he will do it - except I am still trying to get him to clean the basement.....

If I want romance I TELL HIM we are going out for a nice dinner and a movie and I make the plans. This way I get to see the movie I WANT, and eat where I WANT, so there is an up side to this.:) If he doesn't like the movie or the restaurant, tell him HE needs to initiate and make the plans next time.

We cuddle while watching TV - but I have to initiate it. Just being next to one another can really help a couple "communicate" through that close non-sexual contact. Even if he is watching TV and I am reading a book but we are holding hands this really helps us feel close. Little things like this can help a "shy guy" express himself in a safe non-threatening way. Shy people don't usually like to "take risks" and so they aren't the type to make grand gestures.

You will probably be the one who will need to make the plans - speak up when you feel neglected - have to tell him what sorts of flowers (single rose or large bouquet of some sort of flower) you want on your birthday, and if and when you are going out to eat or stay in. Give him a list of the things you want for Christmas and he can then choose something from that list and surprise you with which one he chose.

There's a good book by Christian authors and relationship experts called "Boundaries in Marriage" and also "The Five Love Languages", they would be good resources for you and your boyfriend to read NOW, before you are married.

Men and women have different personalities, temperaments and have been trained by their parents examples (not always a good examples) how to relate to a spouse in marriage, etc... Start now to work on these issues with your boyfriend before you make that life-long commitment. He might resist at first, but GENTLY encourage your shy guy to go through these books with you to prepare for a good marriage. If he consistently and strongly resists doing this with you, it can be a red flag in your relationship.

God bless.
 
H

Hungry

Banned
#9
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,050
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#9
It seems more like this relationship is convenient. Don't get me wrong marriages have been successful on less but if you decide to get married you better lower your expectations. There are some marriages that are hot and exciting in the beginning then slowly fade because it was Hollywood style infatuation. Then sometimes it's just a perfect match. Everything clicks. Then like yours others are convenient. Not perfect but good enough. There are things you tolerate about each other but at least you have somebody. More like settling. Most people can go their whole life without finding the perfect match and experience many Hollywood style infatuations while looking. If you are satisfied with just filling the role of his helper and he being your provider then I'm sure you have a chance. In all honesty I think this is more the way God intended it.
 
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tenderhearted

Guest
#10
#10
Well, I can tell you this much, if he doesn't appreciate you now, then he probably won't appreciate you when you guys get married. Typically the things that you struggle with in a dating relationship, are things that don't change when you get married. Only if the person wants to change and they pray about it-- can they change. You have to decide how important this issue is for you. If it's something you will not be able to put up with when you get married, than I suggest you don't marry him. A lot of people complain about their boyfriends and marry them. Then they get all upset and run to divorce court because the person hasn't changed.

Military life is very difficult for a wife. Expect to be alone for a lot of the time. Possibly even a lot of moving around. I think it's great that you are really thinking this through. Don't get married because you are comfortable with this guy. Marriage is a life long commitment and you are basically saying yes to this life and everything that comes with it.
 
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hattiebod

Guest
#11
#11
volleyballgirl04 said:
Good, I was really hoping I wasn't portraying him as a bad guy! We are 20 so young, I know, but as bad as it sounds the army also kind of puts a "rush" on us. We broke up because of these worries I had about him not really appreciating everything I do for him.
Click to expand...
Are you his priority? can he not help himself to show his love for you? do you talk....endlessly into the night, not always agreeing but 'enjoying being together....dreaming, talking, planning. Are you never embarassed over each others 'little ways'....do you respect each other?

You are 20...so young. Why is this boy the one? are you being told this by God? Are you and he a praying couple? because if this is not from God....it maybe will work....for a bit!

I think i can comment...have my 30th anniversary coming up.....1st marriage! God Bless <><
 
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