Hi!
I have got a long story here so I don't know how to start. I am 21 yrs old. We moved to Europe 4 years ago but my Dad was left alone in our home country. My mom brought us here for a better future. My parents are not married. Before we moved here, me and my brothers lived with my dad in our home country as my mom was working abroad. We were very close to our dad that he is like a friend to us. We are open to him though. But they are strict, especially to me as I am the only daughter. I grew up in a christian neighbourhood. Grew up going to church. My mom was a christian already since I was born, but my dad wasn't. When I was a kid, I always prayed to the Lord for my dad to be saved. I always used to tell my dad that he should know the Lord. But he always used to say that he knows the Lord. He knows His name, it's Jesus. But I told him, no. He has to have a relationship with the Lord. My mom was married to another man first and he had children there. She met my dad and lived together but were never married. When I was 6, they got separated already. I remember them fighting all the time. Everything in the house was flying and they always shouted at one another and cursing each other. Me and my brothers just watched them fight because we couldn't do anything. When I was 6, my dad left the house already. I always cried to sleep because my family was then officially broken already. But I kept my faith in the Lord. I always believed that it would be fixed and that my dad would somehow accept the Lord in his life. I was the eldest so I somehow had the responsibility already from a very young age. I was aware of what was happening and I just decided to be strong for my brothers.
My mom was working and I had to cook for my brothers and gave them a shower and prepared them for school as I was preparing myself to school also. That all happened at the age of 9. I stood as the mom to them because my mom was working, and my dad was not there. My dad visited us every Saturday and we were always happy to see him because we would be able to go somewhere out of the house to get some fresh air.
It was fun and in a way, we learned to accept life as it was. My step-brother got separated from his family and lived with us during those years. He was a drug addict and still is today. He had a relationship with our maid when I was 11 and whenever they fight, he always use us to blackmail her so that she would do what he wants. He used to throw freshly cooked hotdogs to us and bump our heads on the wall. These things happened without my mom knowing because she was working. I had to cook for my step-brother even though we had a maid back then. So I was the servant of the house. Whenever we want to play outside, we weren't aloud to, unless we give him a back massage or cook for him or do whatever he wants us to do. And whenever our dad comes, it felt freedom for us. We couldn't tell the situation to our mom because the next day, we might be beaten up by my step-brother for telling mom what he's doing to us. So we just tell our dad. At one point, my dad got extremely mad to my step-brother and he punched him right to the face. They were there on the ground as some of our chkurchmates came to stop them. Since that incident, my dad decided to move closer to us. So he moved 2 houses further from us so that he would be able to look over us.
My mom was really just working and working those days, or sometimes she would go on a date with her boyfriend and she would take us to the park and the boyfriend would give us toys to buy us for him. But it never worked with me because I was loyal to my dad. We never really built a relationship with my mom because my mom was just busy financing us and that was really just her role in the family. Everything else is forbidden with her. No crushes aloud. Those were forbidden and sinful feelings she said. So as I was growing to being a teenager, I wasn't able to be open to her because she always has these weird protocols of do's and don'ts. As to my dad's part, I wasn't able to be open to him either when I was having a crush to someone because he doesn't like it either. He would understand but then I felt that I shouldn't tell him because he would just ask me to stop because he's protecting me and I was his only daughter. Having a crush to them is really a big matter already like I was gonna get married already. So I was open to my dad about how I feel at home and with what my mom was doing, but of course, not with what's happening in school and in my life as I was growing.
Later on, I had a relationship with my churchmate, who happened to be my neighbour and my schoolmate too. So he was practically all over the place. I was with him the whole time and that led to a romantic feeling for him. But I hid it. Because we were not supposed to be in a relationship because we were just 14. Not for the church and not for my parents. So I broke up with him after a week because I was feeling guilty because I was lying to my parents. Later on, my dad discovered it and was very mad at me for hiding it. He said he doesn't like the guy and his family. And so I was really crucified in the family for going into that relationship. But yea, I was just in my teenage years.
Later on my mom worked in London so we were left with our dad. We all moved into one house since my mom is not there anymore and my step-brother also. So it was just my dad, me and my brothers. But there was an incident before we all moved into one house. When I went to my dad's house one time, he asked me to close the door and come next to him. He put his pants down and his penis was there as hard as a rock. I didn't look and told him I'm going to go back to my mom's house. And then he forced me to come to him and hold his penis. I was begging him to let me go but he said, no just touch it. Put your hand around it. And I really didn't want to do it and but he was insisting. Of course, as I grew in such a conservative family, I knew what he was doing was wrong. But then, they planted such a hard lesson in us that we should obey our parents whether they're right or wrong. So I was thinking, if I disobey my dad, I would sin. So I really didn't have any other choice but to follow him. So I just held his penis while begging to let me go. He let me go and I went immediately to my mom's house to wash my hands. I didn't tell anyone about that incident. I kept it in me because I don't want my mom to send my dad away further from us and that we would have a broken family and that we won't see my dad anymore. So I let that incident go. When we all moved into one house and my mom worked in London, my dad started peeking while I shower. At first, I had this feeling that someone was watching me while I was showering because there were holes on our bathroom door. When I came out of the shower, I saw my dad there on the ground peeking and he was very shocked that I saw him so he lied that there was a dust on the floor and he was cleaning. I thought he was lying already. But I just let him and didn't confront him because that was against my upbringing. He continued to peek while I am showering for days and more I think. So I just covered the holes every time I was showering.
And then because I was in my teenage years, my dad decided to have the 'talks' with me, to help me with my growing up. He said that boys are just after my body and then so he started to talk intimate about me to warn me about how dirty the world is. He would talk about sex positions, about how he did it with my mom in full detail, about the women he made cum. About all those stuffs that you weren't suppose to tell your growing daughter. So I was thinking in my head that my dad was really perverted but I didn't tell anyone because I really didn't want to have war in the family again. And then one night, I was sleeping and I would just wake up with my dad caressing my vagina. But again, as a reaction from my upbringing, I acted that I was sleeping and ignored him. But he would do it for hours til the sun comes up and I would cum in the process but I would stop it and keep it quiet so that he won't notice. At those times, I didn't even know what cumming was and all those sexual stuff. The church was conservative and the entire nation too so those stuff were really taboo. I was like 15 or 16 while those stuff where happening. My dad would do it everyday for hours til the sun comes up. Everyday I would pray silently that he would stop and even cried because I was experiencing that and I couldn't do anything because I didn't want war and I didn't know what to do. I would just ask the Lord for help to rescue me or pray that my brother will wake up because we all sleep in one big bed. But nothing of that happened. He would then vulgarly talk about sex positions and how my mom was so hungry about sex when they were still okay and how he made the teenage girls that he use to babysit when he was younger cum. All those sorts of stuff I heard from him. And then one afternoon, I was on the bed, playing PSP, and my brothers were outside. My dad just finished showering and he was all dressed already. He went on top of me and brush his penis with my vagina. We were both with clothes and I was playing PSP while he was doing it. I was acting as if nothing is happening and I kept playing and he kept on rubbing until he made himself cum in his shorts. After that he would go away and leave me playing on my PSP. As I was playing I was praying, Lord help me. Make him stop. Make him stop. Make him stop. In Jesus' name. But I was paralysed, i couldn't say anything, couldn't move. Because it was so strong in me to not go against your parents and to obey and respect them whether they're right or wrong. And I didn't want to experience my dad leaving us again like what happened when I was 6. So everything he did, I tried to remove from my memories and continued my life as if nothing of those stuff happened.
And then my mom decided to bring us to Europe to live with her and have a better future. But not with my dad because she couldn't get my dad because they were not married and in paper, we were not family with him because he is not in our birth certificates either. We are illegitimate in our birth certificates except for the youngest one where my dad's name was written on as the father. We were so afraid of leaving our dad because we really grew up with him already and we really didn't have any connection with my mom because she was just the provider in the family. So it was really painful for us to leave our dad and start a new life far from him. All these times, my memory of what my dad did to me was erased. I forgot it. I forgave him. And I continued living as the jolly and bubbly girl I always used to be. We moved to Europe with my mom. It was hard because my mom was strict and she has so many do's and don'ts. And she always gets our money and we always have to help her with her work even though we didn't want to and we were always forced against our will. It was really nice and we weren't happy. We wanted to go back to our country and be with our dad again. We weren't telling our mom what we feel because she never listens to us. For her what we feel is wrong and should not be entertained. She's the mother and she has the authority over us so we should just listen to her and obey. It was really frustrating me more and more in the background. Especially, we were in Europe, different culture, liberated. I was 17 when we moved here. So slowly, I was seeing that what I use to see back in my country was really wrong. I mean there are stuff that was so plain simple and normal in Europe but would be big time sin in Asia. Family was so important in Asia and it always stand above anything else. They say that God is higher but it's really different that want they are showing.
We found a church here in Europe and the first weeks that I attend the church, I was really drawn into worship already. I always wanted to be part of the worship team as I was part and really active too in the home country. And then the first weeks, the worship leader, not knowing me at all, prophesied that the Lord is calling me to stand up and be bold. That I should watch and learn. But he was stuttering back then and he said there was more. But he was so overwhelmed with what he saw that he couldn't talk anymore so his mom took over and prophesied over me that I would be a psalmist and sing the songs of the Lord but the Lord is training me to become bold and to stand my ground because I would need it in my calling. So I was very touched because of those prophecies. And then later on, that worship leader, decided to pick me up and train me as a psalmist. But it was hard for him because the Lord was giving him a special task to really train me to become who I was called to be. Because he trained someone like that also before, but that person just left him and hurt him. So it was a big step for my worship leader to train me. But the Lord keep on bothering him to do so, so he did. He gave me voice lessons and piano lessons. He taught me things about worship leading, and trained my personality too. Everything that would help me in the calling.
One day, we had a serious talk and he opened that he saw that I was hurt and used in the past and was badly broken. He said that the Lord showed him that I am carrying something that I haven't told anyone and it has to be broken. He was referring to that incident of sexual abuse. I was shocked. Because I haven't told anyone and we were just new in that church yet he knew what happened to me already. Tears started to fall down my eyes. I have always been strong and always smiling and jolly, always trying to light up the atmosphere. But this time, it was bull's eye. I confirmed what he said and he prayed for me that I would be released from all the pain. And since then I was really good. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. So I just continued to live my life as my parents know me, jolly and happy. I have never shown any anger or hatred to my dad. As I was being trained in the becoming a psalmist, my personality was getting trained too. I was a shy person. Giggly. Jolly. Happy. Always smiling. But never confronting. Even though things were bad already and I know it's not right, even though I want to fight, I just couldn't because in some ways, I was paralysed. The church was training me to be bold and to stand up to what is right. But it was just really not me. I had a prophecy too that I would break the darkness with my boldness and really reveal things in the light. Hearing those words, I don't know how I would be able to do that, but I really want to come to a point where I can have a voice and really confront things when they are wrong.
My mom always dictates and controls everything in the house. Until now, I don't have any friends, never allowed to go out and hang out with classmates. Really. I don't have any social life at all. So my life was just church, house and school. So I just focused my self on getting better and being the person the Lord wants me to be. My mom wants all of us to live in one house even though we will have family already in the future. She wants us to be together forever and there's no way she would let go of us. My step-sister lived with us here too and she has a daughter but no husband. Her boyfriend left her and since day one, mom stood responsible for their lives. My mom was there all the time for my sister that my sister just had to sit back and relax because my mom would look after for her daughter. So my step sister is now 34 but still under my mom's authority. Whenever she wants to go out and date someone, mom is constantly on top of it and mom wants to choose who my sister should date. My mom calls my sister if my sister is not yet home at 9pm. So my sister is really living like a teenager with my mom because everything was really controlled. My mom doesn't want to let go and she wants to be with us forever. My sister told her she wants to move out and my mom got furious and slapped her in the face and and said there's no way my sister can leave the house. Even used my sister's daughter that she would not let her grandchild leave with my sister. I don't know how I can explain that my mom is really possessive and controlling and manipulating about all the details in our lives. Even our church here is noticing mom also as being like that.
Mom always has comments on everybody else and to my worship leader too who got closer to me and to my family as he is training me. Mom is so negative about others and she always says that she knows how to do it and everyone else is doing it wrong. She's very self-righteous. She always knows it better. Even better than the leaders of the church. My worship leader is one of the elders of the church. He wanted to confront my mom a lot of times already about her attitude but I always stop him because my mom's not gonna listen anyway and it will just create war. Everyone thinks that my mom has manic depression. She can be so happy that she can do everything a normal person cannot do. She can work, go the gym, cook and clean the entire house in one day. And then whenever she's depressed, she cannot do anything. She would just stay in her bed, feeling sick. Pissed off about everything, she can make small things big. Like she can be 2 different persons in one body. She would't go to the church, stay in bed and lay down there like a kid who wasn't given a lollipop. She is very unstable. She would just hung up on us whenever she wants.
And one Sunday, she was very depressed and she didn't want to go the church. Our pastor (the worship leader), picked us up because we don't have transport to the church. He offered to pray for her but she didn't want to. She said she doesn't need his prayers. And I really got pissed at her for doing that again and again. And our pastor wants to confront her but she always hides in her room and not go out to see and talk to our pastor. She always does that. And so I said goodbye without kissing her on the cheeks or on the forehead and went to the church. We always have to give respect and bow to her whenever we have to go or whenever we arrive. So while we were on the way to the church, she called my brother, screaming on the phone asking why I didn't say goodbye to her while I did. My brother handed me the phone and she hung up on me. Like she always does whenever she's depressed and pissed and angry at all things. So I let it go but I was really reaching my limit already of patience. I always have to understand her and tolerate her wrong doings because she's my mother. I cannot correct her because she's my mother. Her standards are wrong, but it's okay because she's our mother. No one can correct her because she knows it better. I was really getting fed up with all the years putting up to her control and manipulation and being silent. I started to see that I have to fight back too or I will be forever silenced and will never stand up with boldness. We went home and she called again on the way asking why we are late whereas she knows we were from the church and that we all always go home the same time. She said there's still a lot of house chores whereas we cleaned already before we left for the church. So my brother handed my the phone and when she heard my voice again, she hung up on me. So I told myself, I will not go to her room and greet her and kiss her and bring honour to her when I reach home because what will happen is that she will ignore me again, just as she always does.
I have to put the rest of the story below because I ran out of characters.
Thank you and God bless!
I have got a long story here so I don't know how to start. I am 21 yrs old. We moved to Europe 4 years ago but my Dad was left alone in our home country. My mom brought us here for a better future. My parents are not married. Before we moved here, me and my brothers lived with my dad in our home country as my mom was working abroad. We were very close to our dad that he is like a friend to us. We are open to him though. But they are strict, especially to me as I am the only daughter. I grew up in a christian neighbourhood. Grew up going to church. My mom was a christian already since I was born, but my dad wasn't. When I was a kid, I always prayed to the Lord for my dad to be saved. I always used to tell my dad that he should know the Lord. But he always used to say that he knows the Lord. He knows His name, it's Jesus. But I told him, no. He has to have a relationship with the Lord. My mom was married to another man first and he had children there. She met my dad and lived together but were never married. When I was 6, they got separated already. I remember them fighting all the time. Everything in the house was flying and they always shouted at one another and cursing each other. Me and my brothers just watched them fight because we couldn't do anything. When I was 6, my dad left the house already. I always cried to sleep because my family was then officially broken already. But I kept my faith in the Lord. I always believed that it would be fixed and that my dad would somehow accept the Lord in his life. I was the eldest so I somehow had the responsibility already from a very young age. I was aware of what was happening and I just decided to be strong for my brothers.
My mom was working and I had to cook for my brothers and gave them a shower and prepared them for school as I was preparing myself to school also. That all happened at the age of 9. I stood as the mom to them because my mom was working, and my dad was not there. My dad visited us every Saturday and we were always happy to see him because we would be able to go somewhere out of the house to get some fresh air.
It was fun and in a way, we learned to accept life as it was. My step-brother got separated from his family and lived with us during those years. He was a drug addict and still is today. He had a relationship with our maid when I was 11 and whenever they fight, he always use us to blackmail her so that she would do what he wants. He used to throw freshly cooked hotdogs to us and bump our heads on the wall. These things happened without my mom knowing because she was working. I had to cook for my step-brother even though we had a maid back then. So I was the servant of the house. Whenever we want to play outside, we weren't aloud to, unless we give him a back massage or cook for him or do whatever he wants us to do. And whenever our dad comes, it felt freedom for us. We couldn't tell the situation to our mom because the next day, we might be beaten up by my step-brother for telling mom what he's doing to us. So we just tell our dad. At one point, my dad got extremely mad to my step-brother and he punched him right to the face. They were there on the ground as some of our chkurchmates came to stop them. Since that incident, my dad decided to move closer to us. So he moved 2 houses further from us so that he would be able to look over us. My mom was really just working and working those days, or sometimes she would go on a date with her boyfriend and she would take us to the park and the boyfriend would give us toys to buy us for him. But it never worked with me because I was loyal to my dad. We never really built a relationship with my mom because my mom was just busy financing us and that was really just her role in the family. Everything else is forbidden with her. No crushes aloud. Those were forbidden and sinful feelings she said. So as I was growing to being a teenager, I wasn't able to be open to her because she always has these weird protocols of do's and don'ts. As to my dad's part, I wasn't able to be open to him either when I was having a crush to someone because he doesn't like it either. He would understand but then I felt that I shouldn't tell him because he would just ask me to stop because he's protecting me and I was his only daughter. Having a crush to them is really a big matter already like I was gonna get married already. So I was open to my dad about how I feel at home and with what my mom was doing, but of course, not with what's happening in school and in my life as I was growing.
Later on, I had a relationship with my churchmate, who happened to be my neighbour and my schoolmate too. So he was practically all over the place. I was with him the whole time and that led to a romantic feeling for him. But I hid it. Because we were not supposed to be in a relationship because we were just 14. Not for the church and not for my parents. So I broke up with him after a week because I was feeling guilty because I was lying to my parents. Later on, my dad discovered it and was very mad at me for hiding it. He said he doesn't like the guy and his family. And so I was really crucified in the family for going into that relationship. But yea, I was just in my teenage years.
Later on my mom worked in London so we were left with our dad. We all moved into one house since my mom is not there anymore and my step-brother also. So it was just my dad, me and my brothers. But there was an incident before we all moved into one house. When I went to my dad's house one time, he asked me to close the door and come next to him. He put his pants down and his penis was there as hard as a rock. I didn't look and told him I'm going to go back to my mom's house. And then he forced me to come to him and hold his penis. I was begging him to let me go but he said, no just touch it. Put your hand around it. And I really didn't want to do it and but he was insisting. Of course, as I grew in such a conservative family, I knew what he was doing was wrong. But then, they planted such a hard lesson in us that we should obey our parents whether they're right or wrong. So I was thinking, if I disobey my dad, I would sin. So I really didn't have any other choice but to follow him. So I just held his penis while begging to let me go. He let me go and I went immediately to my mom's house to wash my hands. I didn't tell anyone about that incident. I kept it in me because I don't want my mom to send my dad away further from us and that we would have a broken family and that we won't see my dad anymore. So I let that incident go. When we all moved into one house and my mom worked in London, my dad started peeking while I shower. At first, I had this feeling that someone was watching me while I was showering because there were holes on our bathroom door. When I came out of the shower, I saw my dad there on the ground peeking and he was very shocked that I saw him so he lied that there was a dust on the floor and he was cleaning. I thought he was lying already. But I just let him and didn't confront him because that was against my upbringing. He continued to peek while I am showering for days and more I think. So I just covered the holes every time I was showering.
And then because I was in my teenage years, my dad decided to have the 'talks' with me, to help me with my growing up. He said that boys are just after my body and then so he started to talk intimate about me to warn me about how dirty the world is. He would talk about sex positions, about how he did it with my mom in full detail, about the women he made cum. About all those stuffs that you weren't suppose to tell your growing daughter. So I was thinking in my head that my dad was really perverted but I didn't tell anyone because I really didn't want to have war in the family again. And then one night, I was sleeping and I would just wake up with my dad caressing my vagina. But again, as a reaction from my upbringing, I acted that I was sleeping and ignored him. But he would do it for hours til the sun comes up and I would cum in the process but I would stop it and keep it quiet so that he won't notice. At those times, I didn't even know what cumming was and all those sexual stuff. The church was conservative and the entire nation too so those stuff were really taboo. I was like 15 or 16 while those stuff where happening. My dad would do it everyday for hours til the sun comes up. Everyday I would pray silently that he would stop and even cried because I was experiencing that and I couldn't do anything because I didn't want war and I didn't know what to do. I would just ask the Lord for help to rescue me or pray that my brother will wake up because we all sleep in one big bed. But nothing of that happened. He would then vulgarly talk about sex positions and how my mom was so hungry about sex when they were still okay and how he made the teenage girls that he use to babysit when he was younger cum. All those sorts of stuff I heard from him. And then one afternoon, I was on the bed, playing PSP, and my brothers were outside. My dad just finished showering and he was all dressed already. He went on top of me and brush his penis with my vagina. We were both with clothes and I was playing PSP while he was doing it. I was acting as if nothing is happening and I kept playing and he kept on rubbing until he made himself cum in his shorts. After that he would go away and leave me playing on my PSP. As I was playing I was praying, Lord help me. Make him stop. Make him stop. Make him stop. In Jesus' name. But I was paralysed, i couldn't say anything, couldn't move. Because it was so strong in me to not go against your parents and to obey and respect them whether they're right or wrong. And I didn't want to experience my dad leaving us again like what happened when I was 6. So everything he did, I tried to remove from my memories and continued my life as if nothing of those stuff happened.
And then my mom decided to bring us to Europe to live with her and have a better future. But not with my dad because she couldn't get my dad because they were not married and in paper, we were not family with him because he is not in our birth certificates either. We are illegitimate in our birth certificates except for the youngest one where my dad's name was written on as the father. We were so afraid of leaving our dad because we really grew up with him already and we really didn't have any connection with my mom because she was just the provider in the family. So it was really painful for us to leave our dad and start a new life far from him. All these times, my memory of what my dad did to me was erased. I forgot it. I forgave him. And I continued living as the jolly and bubbly girl I always used to be. We moved to Europe with my mom. It was hard because my mom was strict and she has so many do's and don'ts. And she always gets our money and we always have to help her with her work even though we didn't want to and we were always forced against our will. It was really nice and we weren't happy. We wanted to go back to our country and be with our dad again. We weren't telling our mom what we feel because she never listens to us. For her what we feel is wrong and should not be entertained. She's the mother and she has the authority over us so we should just listen to her and obey. It was really frustrating me more and more in the background. Especially, we were in Europe, different culture, liberated. I was 17 when we moved here. So slowly, I was seeing that what I use to see back in my country was really wrong. I mean there are stuff that was so plain simple and normal in Europe but would be big time sin in Asia. Family was so important in Asia and it always stand above anything else. They say that God is higher but it's really different that want they are showing.
We found a church here in Europe and the first weeks that I attend the church, I was really drawn into worship already. I always wanted to be part of the worship team as I was part and really active too in the home country. And then the first weeks, the worship leader, not knowing me at all, prophesied that the Lord is calling me to stand up and be bold. That I should watch and learn. But he was stuttering back then and he said there was more. But he was so overwhelmed with what he saw that he couldn't talk anymore so his mom took over and prophesied over me that I would be a psalmist and sing the songs of the Lord but the Lord is training me to become bold and to stand my ground because I would need it in my calling. So I was very touched because of those prophecies. And then later on, that worship leader, decided to pick me up and train me as a psalmist. But it was hard for him because the Lord was giving him a special task to really train me to become who I was called to be. Because he trained someone like that also before, but that person just left him and hurt him. So it was a big step for my worship leader to train me. But the Lord keep on bothering him to do so, so he did. He gave me voice lessons and piano lessons. He taught me things about worship leading, and trained my personality too. Everything that would help me in the calling.
One day, we had a serious talk and he opened that he saw that I was hurt and used in the past and was badly broken. He said that the Lord showed him that I am carrying something that I haven't told anyone and it has to be broken. He was referring to that incident of sexual abuse. I was shocked. Because I haven't told anyone and we were just new in that church yet he knew what happened to me already. Tears started to fall down my eyes. I have always been strong and always smiling and jolly, always trying to light up the atmosphere. But this time, it was bull's eye. I confirmed what he said and he prayed for me that I would be released from all the pain. And since then I was really good. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. So I just continued to live my life as my parents know me, jolly and happy. I have never shown any anger or hatred to my dad. As I was being trained in the becoming a psalmist, my personality was getting trained too. I was a shy person. Giggly. Jolly. Happy. Always smiling. But never confronting. Even though things were bad already and I know it's not right, even though I want to fight, I just couldn't because in some ways, I was paralysed. The church was training me to be bold and to stand up to what is right. But it was just really not me. I had a prophecy too that I would break the darkness with my boldness and really reveal things in the light. Hearing those words, I don't know how I would be able to do that, but I really want to come to a point where I can have a voice and really confront things when they are wrong.
My mom always dictates and controls everything in the house. Until now, I don't have any friends, never allowed to go out and hang out with classmates. Really. I don't have any social life at all. So my life was just church, house and school. So I just focused my self on getting better and being the person the Lord wants me to be. My mom wants all of us to live in one house even though we will have family already in the future. She wants us to be together forever and there's no way she would let go of us. My step-sister lived with us here too and she has a daughter but no husband. Her boyfriend left her and since day one, mom stood responsible for their lives. My mom was there all the time for my sister that my sister just had to sit back and relax because my mom would look after for her daughter. So my step sister is now 34 but still under my mom's authority. Whenever she wants to go out and date someone, mom is constantly on top of it and mom wants to choose who my sister should date. My mom calls my sister if my sister is not yet home at 9pm. So my sister is really living like a teenager with my mom because everything was really controlled. My mom doesn't want to let go and she wants to be with us forever. My sister told her she wants to move out and my mom got furious and slapped her in the face and and said there's no way my sister can leave the house. Even used my sister's daughter that she would not let her grandchild leave with my sister. I don't know how I can explain that my mom is really possessive and controlling and manipulating about all the details in our lives. Even our church here is noticing mom also as being like that.
Mom always has comments on everybody else and to my worship leader too who got closer to me and to my family as he is training me. Mom is so negative about others and she always says that she knows how to do it and everyone else is doing it wrong. She's very self-righteous. She always knows it better. Even better than the leaders of the church. My worship leader is one of the elders of the church. He wanted to confront my mom a lot of times already about her attitude but I always stop him because my mom's not gonna listen anyway and it will just create war. Everyone thinks that my mom has manic depression. She can be so happy that she can do everything a normal person cannot do. She can work, go the gym, cook and clean the entire house in one day. And then whenever she's depressed, she cannot do anything. She would just stay in her bed, feeling sick. Pissed off about everything, she can make small things big. Like she can be 2 different persons in one body. She would't go to the church, stay in bed and lay down there like a kid who wasn't given a lollipop. She is very unstable. She would just hung up on us whenever she wants.
And one Sunday, she was very depressed and she didn't want to go the church. Our pastor (the worship leader), picked us up because we don't have transport to the church. He offered to pray for her but she didn't want to. She said she doesn't need his prayers. And I really got pissed at her for doing that again and again. And our pastor wants to confront her but she always hides in her room and not go out to see and talk to our pastor. She always does that. And so I said goodbye without kissing her on the cheeks or on the forehead and went to the church. We always have to give respect and bow to her whenever we have to go or whenever we arrive. So while we were on the way to the church, she called my brother, screaming on the phone asking why I didn't say goodbye to her while I did. My brother handed me the phone and she hung up on me. Like she always does whenever she's depressed and pissed and angry at all things. So I let it go but I was really reaching my limit already of patience. I always have to understand her and tolerate her wrong doings because she's my mother. I cannot correct her because she's my mother. Her standards are wrong, but it's okay because she's our mother. No one can correct her because she knows it better. I was really getting fed up with all the years putting up to her control and manipulation and being silent. I started to see that I have to fight back too or I will be forever silenced and will never stand up with boldness. We went home and she called again on the way asking why we are late whereas she knows we were from the church and that we all always go home the same time. She said there's still a lot of house chores whereas we cleaned already before we left for the church. So my brother handed my the phone and when she heard my voice again, she hung up on me. So I told myself, I will not go to her room and greet her and kiss her and bring honour to her when I reach home because what will happen is that she will ignore me again, just as she always does.
I have to put the rest of the story below because I ran out of characters.
Thank you and God bless!
