can you guys post something funny please?

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BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
8,871
4,330
113
“You could make love” she whispered...
“Or vole” he replied…..looking up from their game of scrabble.
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
8,871
4,330
113
Every morning, I walk my cow through the local vineyard...
I herd it through the grapevine.
 

Genipher

Well-known member
Jan 6, 2019
2,127
1,523
113
Oooh! This reminds me of the cow at The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Hitchhiker's Guide book 2 (trilogy of 6 books)!

-----------------excerpt--------------

Ford sat down.

The waiter approached.

"Would you like to see the menu?" he said, "or would you like meet the Dish of the Day?"

"Huh?" said Ford.

"Huh?" said Arthur.

"Huh?" said Trillian.

"That's cool," said Zaphod, "we'll meet the meat."

...

A large dairy animal approached Zaphod Beeblebrox's table, a large fat meaty quadruped of the bovine type with large watery eyes, small horns and what might almost have been an ingratiating smile on its lips.

"Good evening," it lowed and sat back heavily on its haunches, "I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in the parts of my body?"

It harrumphed and gurgled a bit, wriggled its hind quarters in to a more comfortable position and gazed peacefully at them.

Its gaze was met by looks of startled bewilderment from Arthur and Trillian, a resigned shrug from Ford Prefect and naked hunger from Zaphod Beeblebrox.

"Something off the shoulder perhaps?" suggested the animal, "braised in a white wine sauce?"

"Er, your shoulder?" said Arthur in a horrified whisper.

"But naturally my shoulder, sir," mooed the animal contentedly, "nobody else's is mine to offer."

Zaphod leapt to his feet and started prodding and feeling the animal's shoulder appreciatively.

"Or the rump is very good," murmured the animal. "I've been exercising it and eating plenty of grain, so there's a lot of good meat there."

It gave a mellow grunt, gurgled again and started to chew the cud. It swallowed the cud again.

"Or a casserole of me perhaps?" it added.

"You mean this animal actually wants us to eat it?" whispered Trillian to Ford.

"Me?" said Ford, with a glazed look in his eyes, "I don't mean anything."

"That's absolutely horrible," exclaimed Arthur, "the most revolting thing I've ever heard."

"What's the problem Earthman?" said Zaphod, now transferring his attention to the animal's enormous rump.

"I just don't want to eat an animal that's standing there inviting me to," said Arthur, "It's heartless."

"Better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten," said Zaphod.

"That's not the point," Arthur protested. Then he thought about it for a moment. "Alright," he said, "maybe it is the point. I don't care, I'm not going to think about it now. I'll just... er [...] I think I'll just have a green salad," he muttered.

"May I urge you to consider my liver?" asked the animal, "it must be very rich and tender by now, I've been force-feeding myself for months."

"A green salad," said Arthur emphatically.

"A green salad?" said the animal, rolling his eyes disapprovingly at Arthur.

"Are you going to tell me," said Arthur, "that I shouldn't have green salad?"

"Well," said the animal, "I know many vegetables that are very clear on that point. Which is why it was eventually decided to cut through the whole tangled problem and breed an animal that actually wanted to be eaten and was capable of saying so clearly and distinctly. And here I am."

It managed a very slight bow.

"Glass of water please," said Arthur.

"Look," said Zaphod, "we want to eat, we don't want to make a meal of the issues. Four rare stakes please, and hurry. We haven't eaten in five hundred and seventy-six thousand million years."

The animal staggered to its feet. It gave a mellow gurgle. "A very wise choice, sir, if I may say so. Very good," it said, "I'll just nip off and shoot myself."

He turned and gave a friendly wink to Arthur. "Don't worry, sir," he said, "I'll be very humane."

It waddled unhurriedly off to the kitchen.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
54,555
25,399
113
that's even better scribbles than I would do :LOL:
I would outline a neat little box around it with my rectangular marquee tool and
then white it out so you wouldn't even know it had been there
.:unsure::giggle::LOL::giggle::geek:

I have discovered a couple of hilarious female stand-up comics from watching the
shorts that @HealthAndHappiness lures me into watching on a fairly regular basis
.:whistle::D

Here is my recent fave (Anjelah Johnson is the other one):

 

Karlon

Well-known member
Mar 8, 2023
1,791
721
113
"what did you give your wife for Christmas last year"?
"a cemetery plot".
"what are you going to give her this year"?
"nothing, she didn't use last year's gift'!
 

Fillan

Well-known member
Oct 25, 2022
337
340
63
45
A Vegan couple walked into a restaurant and took a seat. When their waitress came to take the order they said:

'We don't eat meat, fish, dairy or anything with gluten. What would you recommend?'

The waitress looked puzzled then said 'A taxi!'

:)