Need advice with marriage and weight loss

[Fenner]

Earlier this year, I decided to lose my baby weight and college weight. My husband was supportive, but said he didn't want to get his hopes up because I'd said this kind of thing before, but then given up. This time, I was determined. Over the last seven months, I've succeeded in losing 30 pounds. I now weigh 125. I'd said during the time that I wanted to get down to 115. My husband wanted that too. However, the more I lost, the more the pounds slowed down until they just stopped, and I couldn't lose another pound no matter what I did. At that point (about a week ago) I decided that I was much healthier, happy with how I looked, and could reasonably maintain my weight. I decided to stop actively trying to lose, and maintain the weight I was at. When I told my husband, though, he kind of went ballistic. He said that I'd promised him that I'd get to 115, that I'd lied to him about how much I was going to lose, that I'd gotten his hopes up for nothing, and that I was definitely going to gain it all back. I lost 30 pounds and he's acting like I haven't lost any. I don't know what to do. Should I keep trying to lose that last 10, even if I don't want to? Should I just let him be mad? Should I try to convince him to see it my way? Help!

This makes me sad, like Angela said, your Husband sounds immature. Is he in tip top shape himself? On December 17th I had a sleeve gastrectomy, aka a gastric sleeve. Over the past 14 years I've put on 100 pounds. The last 20 happened after I broke my ankle and didn't move much. When I told my husband that I wanted to have weight loss surgery he said, do what makes you happy. So I've gone this route. I've decided that I'd like to get down to 140 pounds, that would be a hundred pound loss. 140 isn't the thinnest I could go, but I know by eating well and exercising that I can comfortably maintain that weight. Over time our bodies change and it's much harder to lose weight. If you're comfortable at that weight then stay that way. Don't lose weight because of something your husband said.

I don't want to sound mean but guys like your husband make me want to scream and then kick them. I suggest you talk to someone you can trust like a pastor and all three of you sit down and discuss his attitude. Good luck and best wishes to you.

 

[Fenner]

Your husband is a selfish pig and a stupid idiot. We all change, did he marry you because of your looks? Sounds like it. He needs a proper talking to and dose of reality knocked into him.

Where is proper love these days? At times I think I am the only man on the planet who loved my ex wife unconditionally, I loved her, not her body or what she was like. Too many men marry a womans breasts and figure, not the person.

Mr. Monkey not only do I like your Christmas sweater, I totally agree with you!!!

 

[Colorful]

Your husband is a selfish pig and a stupid idiot. We all change, did he marry you because of your looks? Sounds like it. He needs a proper talking to and dose of reality knocked into him.

Where is proper love these days? At times I think I am the only man on the planet who loved my ex wife unconditionally, I loved her, not her body or what she was like. Too many men marry a womans breasts and figure, not the person.

You don't know her husband and to judge and condemn him so harshly based off of a one-sided paragraph written by his wife is beyond unfair. I'm not justifying his attitude but neither do I condone you tearing him down. Please don't act as ignorant as the people you mention who marry just for looks.

 

[Colorful]

I don't know how tall you are, but 125 is thin for most heights. Once we become a bit older, it becomes nearly impossible to lose that last 10 lbs.

Your husband sounds terribly immature. Tell him that you don't care what he thinks, you are at a healthy weight and you are not losing more. You can even apologize, because you did say this to him, but you now realize it is an unrealistic goal.

Then don't talk about it anymore. He sounds very controlling, and that is trouble. Control is the first stage of abuse. I am not kidding.

Praying your husband grows up and accepts you the way you are.

I agree with everything but the bolded-red part. I understand what you're saying, but I don't think that is the right way to articulate it to him. She ought to care about what her husband things to some degree, even if it's to a lesser extend of what she herself wants. Furthermore, even if she 100% wanted to "not care", it's pretty obvious she DOES care and would be lying to him.

 

[blondensmart]

That is your body, not his! You are at a healthy weight, and he is being ridiculous. A loving supportive husband should only be concerned about his wife's weight when it presents health concerns. I'm trying to think of some good advice, but I'm wondering if he would listen to anything that was said considering his over the top reaction. I will think about this some more and hopefully come up with some supportive suggestions.

 

[blondensmart]

There is a difference between realizing that a goal is unattainable and lying.

 

[Colorful]

First and foremost, I want to say CONGRATULATIONS on becoming healthier. Our bodies are temples of God and the ones we have are unfortunately the only ones we ever get! It's prudent to take care and keep clean the House of the Lord.

There are a few concerns that I have aside from the obvious ones about your husband.

1.) Your history of saying one thing but doing another. This doesn't justify such a reaction from your husband, however, this could just be the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. It's important to finish things we start. This principle applies to more than just worldly roles but even towards our walk with the Savior Jesus Christ. At the very least, hopefully you could understand a little bit better why he is so immature about you quitting (once again... not excusing it though).

2.) You essentially admitted you quit because it was too difficult to lose that last 10 lbs. After a period of not being able to lose it, you decided to stop trying and to maintain. If your main reason was "because I am at healthy BMI and I think 10 lbs is unnecessary or even unhealthy" then I think your husband's reaction is even MORE unjustified and wrong. The intentions of why you stop/quit are quite relative to the situation.

3.) I think it is important to acknowledge that you did tell him you'd lose the last 10 lbs and instead of quitting because it's too difficult, ask for his help. Maybe he would be humbled by your desire and ambition to finish what you started and you ask for his help that is causes his heart to be softened. This would go a long way to remove your history of saying one thing but doing another and it could very well bring you guys closes together.

4.) I hope you do not stop exercising and eating right. To maintain means to consume an equal amount of calories as we output. If you were exercising and maintaining your weight while trying to lose the last 10 lbs, you will more than likely gain the weight back after eliminating the exercise. It's basic principles of dieting.

Now then, towards your husband. I know weight is a sensitive subject and for this reason, I think that is why so many people are ripping into your husband. He should support you and show his love and kindness towards you even if you were 300 lbs. I don't know the full story, nor do I really need to know it, and so I can't say he is a controlling and/or abusive husband... No one knows him but you.

I know that even if my future wife was in the wrong, I would never want anyone to tear her down. She would be my sacred and life partner, who, just like me has faults and requires the atonement of Jesus Christ to be made clean again. It's one thing to condemn an action, but it's another to personally rip them apart and judge them harshly/unfairly without having more to the story. I hope that none of what the posters have said about your husband has offended you; I genuinely think they meant well for you and wanted to support you.

Good luck and please keep us updated if you do happen to lose that last 10 lbs!

 

[RememberTheSabbathDay]

If the church were to do that then like JESUS has stated beaware of the yeast of pharisee's would apply here also sinceall that we would be against in the flesh that he partook of in the Spirit for all us that includes the beating are we better then Christ.
Real world what does that mean?

Standingwolf,


God's word is a double edged sword. He also says, Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for it. Women are to submit as well as men are to love.

 

[Ann-childoftheKing]

WOW....thank you! I needed to see this today.....

Ephesians 5: 25-33
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. "This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.


Husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ Jesus loves the church (His people). The husband is to speak gloriously of his wife, just as Jesus speaks of us calling us holy people, perfect in His sight, beloved, His elect, His bride, the apple of His eye. The husband is to rejoice over his wife and be her banner of love. The husband is to speak in truth, in holiness, in wisdom, and in love to his wife. He is to present her to himself without any criticism of her, to accept her as perfect and holy and adore her as Christ Jesus adores us. He is to take care of her needs just like he is concerned for his own needs because they are one in God’s sight.


You cannot speak negatively about your wife and expect her to trust and follow you. When you curse her, you curse yourself. If you complain about her, you complain about yourself. Jesus presents us spotless and perfect. Are you treating your wife like she is perfect in your sight? Are your words over her so sweet with grace and love that it washes over her mind and heart and causes her to love you, just as Jesus causes us to love Him?


A man has power over his wife in that if he does as God instructs him to, he brings blessing and holiness to their relationship. If he compares her to the world, if he makes her feel she doesn’t measure up, he causes her to doubt him and makes her feel unworthy of his love.


Before a man complains about how his wife is not allowing him to lead, he needs to judge himself, whether or not he is following the Lord’s instructions about how to love his wife.

Even men of the world who aren't Christians know how to treat their wives with dignity. They may not have their eyes open to the Truth of the Lord, but many still have enough knowledge and sense to treat their wives with respect. Nobody is excused from treating others the way they want to be treated. Everyone is responsible to live by the simple golden rule. As any judge will remind you: "Ignorance is no excuse of the law."

 

[Sirk]

Your husband certainly does not appreciate what he has and needs a attitude adjustment. Tell him that he can sleep on the couch until you lose the 10 lbs.

Yes!!! Good advice!!

 

[Colorful]

Yes!!! Good advice!!

Debatable. If he only gets an "attitude adjustment" due to sleeping on the couch, I doubt very seriously he learned why his reaction was unwarranted. I'm not sure if this is something remedied by such an action.

I, personally, would never want to go to sleep with unresolved issues when I get married. Perhaps this is just my being naive, but I think it's an obtainable goal.

 

[Sirk]

Debatable. If he only gets an "attitude adjustment" due to sleeping on the couch, I doubt very seriously he learned why his reaction was unwarranted. I'm not sure if this is something remedied by such an action.

I, personally, would never want to go to sleep with unresolved issues when I get married. Perhaps this is just my being naive, but I think it's an obtainable goal.

I think this couple going to bed with unresolved issues is a foregone conclusion and will likely end in divorce unless some emergency triage is performed.

 

[Colorful]

I think this couple going to bed with unresolved issues is a foregone conclusion and will likely end in divorce unless some emergency triage is performed.

Lets say this is true, how is having him sleep on the couch beneficial? I think it only adds to his resentment as opposed to a miracles epiphany that he was unjust. Thus, adding on to the pile of already existing problems.

 

[Sirk]

Lets say this is true, how is having him sleep on the couch beneficial? I think it only adds to his resentment as opposed to a miracles epiphany that he was unjust. Thus, adding on to the pile of already existing problems.

Is continuing to sleep with a man who victimizes her emotionally honoring her relationship with Christ?

 

[kinzo]

Hi Rose

The following scripture is the apostle Paul's ideal description of a true Christian marriage that is characterized by mutual love, respect, and empathy. His comments challenged social norms of his time and culture. This challenge also holds true for today. Unfortunately many marriages fail overtime because of selfishness and poor communication. I agree with others that your husband is immature in this matter. I hope he is not controlling in other aspects of your relationship.

Praise God that you feel better about yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. A few years ago, I lost weight in a weight loss program at the recommendation of my doctor. He set a realistic goal that was above the height/weight chart numbers. I felt much better after reaching that goal, and was able to change many of my eating habits over time. If you are OK at your current weight, rejoice in it and do not pressure yourself to lose another 10 pounds. Do not allow your husband to pressure you anymore either. If he truly loves you, he should back off. If he is open to scripture, have him read some of the scriptures mentioned in this thread. Hopefully, he will allow the Word to water his heart and that he will sincerely apologize. The only way he will change, is if he allows Jesus to work in his life. This is true for all of us.

Follow the Lord's direction and protect your heart with his presence.
I pray that your husband matures in this matter and eventually realizes that he is to love you totally.

Ephesians 5: 22-33
[SUP]22 [/SUP]Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. [SUP]23 [/SUP]For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. [SUP]24 [/SUP]But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
[SUP]25 [/SUP]Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, [SUP]26 [/SUP]so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, [SUP]27 [/SUP]that He might present to Himself the church [SUP][q][/SUP]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. [SUP]28 [/SUP]So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; [SUP]29 [/SUP]for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, [SUP]30 [/SUP]because we are members of His body. [SUP]31 [/SUP]For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. [SUP]32 [/SUP]This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. [SUP]33 [/SUP]Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

Larry

 

[Sirk]

Lets say this is true, how is having him sleep on the couch beneficial? I think it only adds to his resentment as opposed to a miracles epiphany that he was unjust. Thus, adding on to the pile of already existing problems.

My wife had me move out.....(see my post about emotional upheavel). In the end....my wife set a boundary and protected herself and her soul from me and it was a vehicle that God used to change me from the inside out. What she did was an extreme version of me sleeping on the couch.... but one that proved to be a very integral one to the survival of our marriage and my growth as a Christ follower, person and husband.

 

[Colorful]

Is continuing to sleep with a man who victimizes her emotionally honoring her relationship with Christ?

Sleeping with (sexual) and sleeping next to are not synonymous. Furthermore, sleeping next to her husband wouldn't be directly dishonoring or honoring her relationship with Christ. If anything, one could argue she is dishonoring by not sleeping next to him.

I've answered your question. Will you answer mine now? How is this beneficial? How does this bring him closer?

 

[Sirk]

Sleeping with (sexual) and sleeping next to are not synonymous. Furthermore, sleeping next to her husband wouldn't be directly dishonoring or honoring her relationship with Christ. If anything, one could argue she is dishonoring by not sleeping next to him.

I've answered your question. Will you answer mine now? How is this beneficial? How does this bring him closer?

I already did...in the post above yours.

 

[Colorful]

My wife had me move out.....(see my post about emotional upheavel). In the end....my wife set a boundary and protected herself and her soul from me and it was a vehicle that God used to change me from the inside out. What she did was an extreme version of me sleeping on the couch.... but one that proved to be a very integral one to the survival of our marriage and my growth as a Christ follower, person and husband.

I'm pleased to hear that God allowed a change in your heart. There is no doubt that sometimes distance (absence) in a marriage could make hearts grow fonder, so much so, that a change occurs in one's heart. While that is a great personal story, I'm not convinced your situation and THIS situation are in the same league. There isn't enough information to know if this is what is needed. It would be a ginormous stretch and huge assumption on one's end to think her situation is anything like your personal experience.

 

[PaleoGirl]

I'm pleased to hear that God allowed a change in your heart. There is no doubt that sometimes distance (absence) in a marriage could make hearts grow fonder, so much so, that a change occurs in one's heart. While that is a great personal story, I'm not convinced your situation and THIS situation are in the same league. There isn't enough information to know if this is what is needed. It would be a ginormous stretch and huge assumption on one's end to think her situation is anything like your personal experience.

I agree with both of you for different reasons. If a woman truly is being victimized emotionally, then she should not have to sleep with her husband. She has that choice. On the other hand, we do not know exactly what is going on this marriage being discussed. He could be abusive and selfish, or he may not be. No one here should tell this woman whether or not she should sleep with her husband. That is a very personal decision that involves a lot of reflection and consideration, since essentially it is separation (emotionally and intimately).