Wife gets pregnant, now wants to leave me.

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Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
1,233
365
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Father God, I thank you for intervening in this mans marriage, if it can be saved please do so, give him your wisdom, and help him to find a place to stay , amen.
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
948
814
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Please forgive me if I am asking something that someone has already asked, but have you made it clear to her that it's wrong of her to keep messaging the other guy? It just seems like she is taking advantage of your good nature and abusing it, and only you can decide /maintain where your personal boundaries are. I get that you want to be wise with her because of the baby; I just wanted to point out that she is stepping over a line and it's emotional abuse. Maybe it would be good for us tonpray that you know how to push the boundary back to where it should be, and stop being super nice to her.
 
May 7, 2019
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Please forgive me if I am asking something that someone has already asked, but have you made it clear to her that it's wrong of her to keep messaging the other guy? It just seems like she is taking advantage of your good nature and abusing it, and only you can decide /maintain where your personal boundaries are. I get that you want to be wise with her because of the baby; I just wanted to point out that she is stepping over a line and it's emotional abuse. Maybe it would be good for us to pray that you know how to push the boundary back to where it should be, and stop being super nice to her.
I have made it very clear that it's not okay for her to message him and that he would be a terrible influence on our kid. She is definitely taking advantage of me and it is not cool. Also she has lots of mood swings and can send me straight hate texts and say horrible things to me and spread lies about me. (luckily almost no one believes them) Our pastor said her texts were emotional abuse and I agree. But she has been slightly better at that recently. She can be unreasonable now and say stuff that is off the wall but she hasn't been sending us much rude or hateful things. Like the other day she asked me if the baby should take her mom's last name. My wife only had that last name for 3 years and its her adopted mom's ex husbands last name. It offended me. But we have that straightened out now.

I feel like i have to be nice and christian up until the divorce is final then I will make boundaries. I also need to be nice so that I can try for joint custody. I am also prepared to fight for primary custody as I have saved suicidal and crazy texts she has sent to me. I'm totally not thrilled about moving by the beach in Cali. I have a good job but its way more expensive there :(

It's just she can hate someone and then a month later be friends. It would be horrible if she wanted me back a year after divorce. But what she is putting me through and currently doing is not except able and it hurts me to know her new values are going to be past on to our kid. She really was a great christian women up until she cheated :/ now she says things about how she isn't as religious as me.
I met her at my church which she was working at. Things are not supposed to go like this. I have a lot of un-answered questions :/
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,593
9,200
113
Forget joint custody, go for FULL custody. She's abusive, she's unstable and she's with a questionable guy. KEEP ALL her texts to you, because you'll need them when you go to court..
 
May 7, 2019
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Forget joint custody, go for FULL custody. She's abusive, she's unstable and she's with a questionable guy. KEEP ALL her texts to you, because you'll need them when you go to court..
I just fear if I don't win in court that I will get less than joint custody and have to pay alimony and child support.

I do have all the text saved and my lawyer also has him. Need to talk to him more and hopefully get good advise.

He told me before even though we don't have a high chance of winning I might regret it if i don't go to court to speak my peace.
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
948
814
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I have made it very clear that it's not okay for her to message him and that he would be a terrible influence on our kid. She is definitely taking advantage of me and it is not cool. Also she has lots of mood swings and can send me straight hate texts and say horrible things to me and spread lies about me. (luckily almost no one believes them) Our pastor said her texts were emotional abuse and I agree. But she has been slightly better at that recently. She can be unreasonable now and say stuff that is off the wall but she hasn't been sending us much rude or hateful things. Like the other day she asked me if the baby should take her mom's last name. My wife only had that last name for 3 years and its her adopted mom's ex husbands last name. It offended me. But we have that straightened out now.

I feel like i have to be nice and christian up until the divorce is final then I will make boundaries. I also need to be nice so that I can try for joint custody. I am also prepared to fight for primary custody as I have saved suicidal and crazy texts she has sent to me. I'm totally not thrilled about moving by the beach in Cali. I have a good job but its way more expensive there :(

It's just she can hate someone and then a month later be friends. It would be horrible if she wanted me back a year after divorce. But what she is putting me through and currently doing is not except able and it hurts me to know her new values are going to be past on to our kid. She really was a great christian women up until she cheated :/ now she says things about how she isn't as religious as me.
I met her at my church which she was working at. Things are not supposed to go like this. I have a lot of un-answered questions :/
You know... I really am struggling to believe that she is a Christian, that she knows Him... and if she has committed adultery then scripturally you are free to leave and re-marry one day someone who is not abusive...
in my prayers
God bless
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
1,233
365
83
He told me before even though we don't have a high chance of winning I might regret it if i don't go to court to speak my peace.

I think you need another lawyer, I would not want to go to court with this one, he thinks he is already defeated, this is not right. You are the one in the right here and you can prove it, so his input is incorrect.
 

Whispered

Well-known member
Aug 17, 2019
4,553
2,208
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www.christiancourier.com
I talked to my wife on the phone today for the first time in months. She was being more polite than she has been recently. It hurts that she still wants a divorce ASAP. I wish that she would just sign for separation so we can work on us.

I don't think she understands divorce. On the phone i told her I want to do a bunch of guy stuff like camping. She replied with "we will have to go when there isn't a lot of bugs) Why would you want to camp with your Ex-Husband.

Then i said i was going to bring our baby disc golfing with me and just push the stroller with my discs in it. She replied "i can push the stroller and you can throw".

I have been super nice to her even though she is still messaging the other cheater guy. But if she finalizes the divorce i don't think she understands that we will no longer be "hanging out" together.

I pray she will reconsider the divorce. Even though i think she already singed my separation papers divorce :(

I know there is still time before its finalized. When i go down there in a couple weeks I pray she will remember the man I am and how important family is and stop communication with men outside her marriage. I still have hope and pray for us everyday.
Perhaps to help this situation, if your wife calls again. Tell her what divorce means. It is odd that she's pushing for that and yet , as you said, still thinks you'll be hanging out together after.

God be with you all. You are in my prayers.
 
May 7, 2019
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You know... I really am struggling to believe that she is a Christian, that she knows Him... and if she has committed adultery then scripturally you are free to leave and re-marry one day someone who is not abusive...
in my prayers
God bless

She was a newly convert when we met on fire for God. But she changes a lot. She will have strong stances on things then a few months later would believe exactly how i believed. But she has never questioned his existence. I think she believes in God but is just choosing not to follow him and making up and bending memories to justify what she is doing. I honestly don't think the cheating has been that hard on her since she moved. It just doesn't seem to phase her, when it was happening and we were still together she went with her day like normal while i was devastated. I just don't understand how someone who seemed to have good values could do this. I could not function if i knew I was cheating or treating someone bad.

She is pretty conservative with most things. She doesn't smoke or drink or watch bad movies or swear. Something is just not right with her :( it hurts watching her make these poor choices and things I know will hurt our kid.

I'm definitely not searching for someone new right now but i do fear it will be hard because I will be a young (25) single man with a Kid. But i can worry about that a different day. But i do deserve better, no one should be treated like this.

I do not know God's plan but i have to trust he will protect my child and guide me through the hardest time in my life.
 
May 7, 2019
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I think you need another lawyer, I would not want to go to court with this one, he thinks he is already defeated, this is not right. You are the one in the right here and you can prove it, so his input is incorrect.
I think he knows his stuff. The court doesn't care about if someone cheated. They just are looking for if she would be unfit to raise her child. Still have some time before that comes into play. But i cannot sign a lease in CA. So its been hard to find a room that will except a man with a kid. My church contacted a couple of churches down there so I pray someone will be willing to have me.

My family has had young adults stay for a few months before. I trust God will provide a way
 
May 7, 2019
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Perhaps to help this situation, if your wife calls again. Tell her what divorce means. It is odd that she's pushing for that and yet , as you said, still thinks you'll be hanging out together after.

God be with you all. You are in my prayers.
Thanks for keeping me in your prayers.
I am going to wait until i'm down there and providing for them a bit to let her know how things will change if we divorce.

I am supposed to call her tomorrow to go over her belonging's. I'm basically keeping all the stuff since she flew to Cali and did not drive.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
5,636
669
113
I have made it very clear that it's not okay for her to message him and that he would be a terrible influence on our kid. She is definitely taking advantage of me and it is not cool. Also she has lots of mood swings and can send me straight hate texts and say horrible things to me and spread lies about me. (luckily almost no one believes them) Our pastor said her texts were emotional abuse and I agree. But she has been slightly better at that recently. She can be unreasonable now and say stuff that is off the wall but she hasn't been sending us much rude or hateful things. Like the other day she asked me if the baby should take her mom's last name. My wife only had that last name for 3 years and its her adopted mom's ex husbands last name. It offended me. But we have that straightened out now.

I feel like i have to be nice and christian up until the divorce is final then I will make boundaries. I also need to be nice so that I can try for joint custody. I am also prepared to fight for primary custody as I have saved suicidal and crazy texts she has sent to me. I'm totally not thrilled about moving by the beach in Cali. I have a good job but its way more expensive there :(

It's just she can hate someone and then a month later be friends. It would be horrible if she wanted me back a year after divorce. But what she is putting me through and currently doing is not except able and it hurts me to know her new values are going to be past on to our kid. She really was a great christian women up until she cheated :/ now she says things about how she isn't as religious as me.
I met her at my church which she was working at. Things are not supposed to go like this. I have a lot of un-answered questions :/
I'm for forgiveness in marriages and restoration. I realize it can be difficult to live with someone who has some mental or emotional problems that manifest in being mean, along with character issues.

That being said, if you have to go through divorce proceedings, this is my advice based on reading and talking with people. If there is any way you can have the kids in the house with you going to school when a judge makes a decision, that could weigh very heavily toward your getting custody. Judges tend to favor not disrupting the kids lives. If you disrupt them (change schools) and get them settled before court starts, you may be an at advantage for custody. There is also the problem of getting a good job before a divorce. If she gets primary custody and the kids, then the judge can set child support for you at a high rate based on the nice-paying job, so if you want to move somewhere cheaper and make less to be near the kids, financially it can be difficult to do so.

The system has evolved so that it generally favors women. If they cheat on their husbands or just decide they want to divorce them, there is a good chance the legal system will award them primary custody of the kids and a steady stream of cash from the husband-- a financal reward for infidelty and betrayal. Women can be victims of the judicial system, too, but it is less common. There is a bias in many jurisdictions toward giving the woman custody. The fact that a woman is an adulterer does not seem to have much weight. Judges may not like the idea of the boyfriend sleeping over though. it depends on who you get as judge, of course. If the boyfriend is a druggie or an unsavory character, that could weigh to if that can be communicated well in court. Many times the courts reward betrayal with children and money from the victim.
 
May 7, 2019
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Update,

I finally found a room to rent that will except a baby. I moved in on Friday. The lady is nice that I am renting from but it is very expensive here and out of my budget. But I still praise God I found a place. I have one other roommate who is getting evicted in the next few weeks.

I have not seen my wife since I have arrived. She has been "busy" but we might meet on Tuesday. I'm kind of dreading that moment. It's going to be very hard to see her after all she has done while continuing to betray me and our son. But I will keep my wit up and look like I have everything together.

This is my first time not having a roommate that I know and it feels like I am all along :( I have stayed busy, went to church and played disc golf. I have my room all setup for the baby (if he gets to come here) and a car seat in my car. The doctor told my wife the baby could come early any day now. (due date 12/13)

Please pray for my interactions with my wife. For the first few months are plan is for me to come over after work to spend time with him. This will be very hard as she can have extreme mood swings. Please pray i keep my composure and know what to say. Also pray she will be polite and turn back to God.

We were talking the other day and I asked her to pray for one of our friends who needed prayer and she replied "I don't pray anymore" this message hurt to see. I'm worried about our child eternity.

I also might need to get a lawyer in Cali and that will be very expensive as well. Please pray that will work out to Gods will.

I have felt very weird here but have done okay so far. Mostly reading baby books and trying not to feel lonely.

I just want a family so bad. I would do anything to go back in time a year or two. I feel awful what our child is being born into.
 
I

IFOLLOWHIM

Guest
I am remembering your situation and praying for you!
God can and will speak through and for you!
love in Christ Jesus!
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
948
814
93
Wierd you would question my faith but I pray and talk to God often and very involved in church. I met my wife at church and at that time she was helping give bible studies. She hasn't been as spiritual recently but I have not changed.

I am meeting with my pastor tonight and we have been meeting regularly. She just refuses to join me.

Obviously this guy isn't Christian, she told me the other night she isn't Christian but still believes the whole Bible. I believe she is too embarrassed right now... Idk how that happens to someone.. A lot of her choices right now I cannot understand.
Hi Otto, I'm blessed to hear you are still meeting with your Pastor. Similar happened to me, my ex husband of 15 years left and he remarried an unbeliever!! I witnessed the Lord work in his life many years ago. I think if someone hardens their heart and continues in sin then they are handed over to it as part of their discipline. I wouldn't advise you to pursue this woman unless you were sure the Lord told you to. Even if you have a child with her, you don't want to bring a child up in an atmosphere of strife, and I'm sure the Lord does not want that for you. It is good that you love your baby before it is even born and that you are taking responsibility. Keep trusting bro....
God bless you
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
4,717
3,278
113
Hi Otto.
You've been on my heart to pray for and I'm just wondering how things are for you now and how baby is doing?
 
May 7, 2019
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Hello,

Things have been going well for the most part.

I have moved in with my son, wife and her mom... Her mom is only charging me 500 so the rent is affordable.

I have not spend a night apart from our baby. My wife get overwhelmed if he is fussy so I'm very busy taking care of him. Her mom isn't comfortable with her staying alone with him overnight. I have my own room but I sleep in her room on the floor next to the crib so I can watch him, and help wake her up to feed him. I also have a crib in my room but she nerds me on there to help her sleep.. Kinda strange. I changed almost all the diapers when I'm not at work.. And even when I'm working she will call me sometimes to help.. She is very dependent on me. I do alot for her and the baby, I make all her meals including lunch and I have to help her and remind her about bills and setting up workers comp. Sometimes it can be alot and I don't get much sleep.. I latch him while he feeds and switch sides then she sleeps and I have to burp him and get him to sleep. I don't say this to complain as I love helping out and being with my buddy.

Me and my little buddy are best friends and everything with him is going great. He has lots of hair and is a good looking little guy. Everyone at church loves him.. I've made a few friends there and Tuesday we are meeting up to hangout.

I get along with her mom well and she knows my wife's issues and it can be hard for both of us sometimes.. She lies to her mom about things as well... My wife hasn't gotten any better.. The lactation specialist said she needs to see a therapist but she isn't willing to go...we do everything together after my work and it's kinda weird... She is still cheating... Idk know how she can do that to her own baby.. I can't wrap my head around it. It's a weird situation, I believe we will be divorced next month :(

Good news is that we are planning on moving back to Washington just don't know when... This is really important to because that's where the best care for the baby is.. We have no custody plan since we live together and I'm not planning on changing that until Washington.. I just hope she doesn't change her mind... Her mom also wants her to move there too.

She has been attending church with me which is good but I don't think she is considering changing any of her behaviors.

I could still use lots of prayer as this is not a situation that I enjoy but I know I'm doing the best I can. We have taken family photos and stuff that can be very sad because I know how things should have gone.

Thanks for your prayers
 
Feb 28, 2019
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@Ottotheotto
Its good that you are there for your baby. He needs his father regardless of the relationship between you and the mother. I pray that God will change her heart back towards you and stop this infidelity foolishness.
Keep strong brother and know that He is able to do the impossible. Whatever the outcome may be, please ensure that you are there for your son at all times. :)
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
948
814
93
Oh Otto... God bless you X
You are an amazing guy... and I'm so glad you are with your baby... congratulations btw lol, he sounds wonderful!!😊🙏🏻👶🏻
I'm so sorry to hear how you are being treated; it's a blessing you and her Mom get on well. I really admire you for what you are doing and how you keep trusting God; I don't know how she can do this either but I pray the Lord leads you in all of this and I'm glad you are in a church.
With love in Christ X