To love multiple girls in the same time and the consequences from it

[ToBeWithHim]

I become a christian in 2009 but recently I have trouble against my feeling toward girls. I am not a person with a lot of confidence, but I really want to peruse a relationship with a girl that shares my beliefs. I find out that in my church that there are several girls that meet my requirement. I started to peruse everyone of them in the same time, needless to say it didn't work out very well as I was being struck out by every single girl that i have tried. Things have turned even worse last year when one of them started a relationship, my friendship with that particular brother ceased to exist the moment i know their relationship started and it drained so much of my energy and devotion towards God. Even when they broke up a few months later, she still decided not to start dating with me, which is heartbreaking to me.

This year I heard another girl that i like in church is starting a relationship and that partner is once again not me, I really don't want to go back to what i did last year, not only it takes me away from God, it drains so much of my energy that i could otherwise used on more useful matters. However, i still have the same jealousy as i did last year. Maybe this year instead of doing nothing when the girl is about to start a relationship, maybe i should just tell her right now and hope miracle happens? But then a lot of my good friends in church already suggested that she knew that I am perusing her because my action is so obvious.

Another thought is that if somehow miracle does happen and I do start a relationship with the girl, I decided to start a "no-touch relationship" with my girlfriend, which means no physical contact at all, including hugging, kissing, cuddling or holding hands. Would it be a sign that i respect the girl? Or would she dislike it?

 

[LightningClap0002]

It sounds to me like the devil is wreaking havoc on your life without much contest right now. Have you been talking to God about all of this? God is very keen on providing for us. Remember, this is the God that made mana rain down for this starving people. The God who has clothed roses and lillies and tulips in beautiful designs and colors. He will provide for you far more than you could ever ask.

So my advice to you is to talk to God. Submit entirely to Him. He will make His will very clear to you. You won't have to 'play the numbers' and try as many girls as you can. He will guide you, but be prepared, God's will is often different than ours. His righteousness outshines ours by leaps and bounds. He will guide you, but you must deny yourself first. Seek God and with it comes a peace that is beyond any understanding.

God Bless

 

[tjogs]

I lived years in situation somewhat similar to yours. I didn't though had valid aged girls at all in my church. (10 years age difference at age of 18) so I tried it with also non christian girls. And I too felt that jealous in me sometimes mixed with sadness, which turned me slowly into something like rebellious teenager in spiritual way. But every single girl I met I couldn't even talk to unless i had "proper reason" Any attempt to flirt even little bit gave me overwhelming feeling "She is not meant to you". When years later I finally met girl who didn't gave me that feeling I started relationship with her I later regretted greatly. The girl was as I believe "showed" to me but as a normal friend im suppose to help.

That lead me trough several twists and turns to remember how David became a king and specially how Samuel spoke about Davids brothers. "Man looks outside but God sees the heart" In my case I learned rather painful way that Im quite demanding for a girl for both of us to be happy. I don't mean Im picky but my personality is such that not every girl will like as boyfriend or husband.
Also I needed to grow as well (for example to controll my self)
This girl I was with teached me the hard way that if I get mad im not just like a volcano, Im such that violently explodes and usually without much warning. (no matter do I want it or no) Before her I never exploded like that and I don't like at all when it happens.

I would guess that you have something unfinished with you and before that is done God keeps you waiting to prevent you facing similar that I had. I believe that any girl would understand your respect and good meaning behind no touch relationship, but in time that MAY bring its own difficulties as well (im not saying they are neccesarily bad ones)

 

[Ugly]

Yeah, sounds to me like you have your priorities all out of whack. You sound consumed with finding a spouse, to the point of it being an idol. You're obviously in no condition to be dating and not ready for marriage. I mean you're so desperate (a highly unattractive quality, and one that is very obvious) that you don't even take time to gain any real interest in one particular female but just throw yourself after a handful and hope one of them sticks. That is NOT how to find a mate. That is a horrible way to treat women. You don't care at all about any of these women, they are just goals and objects for you. You don't care about people, you care about your wants and getting your own wishes fulfilled and you'll take whoever is willing to go along with it. That is a great way to start a bad marriage. Cold, uncaring and selfish.
I mean you abandon God because one of the handful of random women that you didn't care at all about dated someone else. How can your faith be so weak and you believe you are ready to be the spiritual head of a family? Why would God give someone who obviously is putting marriage above Him, and even above the person you would marry?
Seems to me you have a lot of growing, learning and reassessing priorities before you are anywhere near ready to even think about marriage.

 

[Chr]

Your needs are met in Christ seek Him, not in people or things.God loves you, your happiness is in Christ.Remember the gospel often,remember its a faith battle.Besides maybe these women are christian by name only? Don't be desperate trust in the Lord.

 

[Chr]

Your needs are met in Christ seek Him, not in people or things.God loves you, your happiness is in Christ.Remember the gospel often,remember its a faith battle.Besides maybe these women are christian by name only? Don't be desperate,trust in the Lord.

 

[rachelsedge]

What you are describing is not "love".

As a female, if I see a guy pursuing multiple girls in hopes that one of them will finally say "Hi" (so to speak) and then that girl is the one he'll decide he really likes because she responded back, that's a huge turn off. If your friends say that it's obvious that you're pursuing these girls, then that could be a reason they're turning you down. I know I, personally, wouldn't want to be "one of many" and just be the next person on your list to "try out".

Why did your friendship with one of your guy friends suddenly stop just because he started dating your crush? I find that a pretty shallow reason to stop a friendship with someone. I doubt he was out to get you by starting to date this girl.

Maybe this year instead of doing nothing when the girl is about to start a relationship, maybe i should just tell her right now and hope miracle happens?

No, I would not recommend doing that. Why would you wait to tell her that when she's already about to start a relationship with someone else? You will put her in a very awkward position.

Another thought is that if somehow miracle does happen and I do start a relationship with the girl, I decided to start a "no-touch relationship" with my girlfriend, which means no physical contact at all, including hugging, kissing, cuddling or holding hands. Would it be a sign that i respect the girl? Or would she dislike it?

You tell me, would it be a sign of respect? Surely you have your reasons for making that rule, I'm not quite sure why you're asking us if this decision is right? For some relationships, it could be. For others, it may make one or both of you feel unappreciated. Are you making that decision because you think it will make her like you more, "Oh he respects me!" or because you truly think there should be those types of boundaries? If it's the former, that's a bit manipulative.

I know that all probably sounds harsh, but the way you're approaching dating is way off. The other posters have good advice as well: You need to get your priorities figured out, figure out what you want in a relationship, pursue friendships (and not see every eligible woman as some sort of target to try to aim for), and really align yourself with God.

 

[ToBeWithHim]

First of all, thanks for the honest reply, while i find some of the comment to be harsh but it is the reality that i must accept.
Secondly, I believe that I already develop a bad reputation in my church for going after multiple girls in the same time. My friends in church recommend me to stop going after girls for at least one to two years to gain the respect from them first, in the mean time i should use the time to upgrade self first, in both spiritual and in my job career.

You tell me, would it be a sign of respect? Surely you have your reasons for making that rule, I'm not quite sure why you're asking us if this decision is right? For some relationships, it could be. For others, it may make one or both of you feel unappreciated. Are you making that decision because you think it will make her like you more, "Oh he respects me!" or because you truly think there should be those types of boundaries? If it's the former, that's a bit manipulative.

I know that all probably sounds harsh, but the way you're approaching dating is way off. The other posters have good advice as well: You need to get your priorities figured out, figure out what you want in a relationship, pursue friendships (and not see every eligible woman as some sort of target to try to aim for), and really align yourself with God.

Well, I started to read the book "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris. It is a birthday gift from my friends at church. I basically get the idea of no touch relationship from there.

 

[rachelsedge]

It's commendable that you recognize where you're going wrong and that you want to change. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth from someone else, too. Trust me; I've been there. Though I disliked it at the time, I realized that they just wanted me to grow as a person and not end up hurting myself any more than I already was. It wasn't out of maliciousness.

Something else to add: You say that it will be a "miracle" when a girl wants to be with you. I'd recommend you try to change your perspective on that. That's how I used to think (and still sometimes do, honestly), "Wow, it'll take a miracle for any man to want me as I am!" But that's really putting ourselves down. I'm not saying we should be high and mighty, or think "Look at me, I deserve a relationship!", but we are precious and loved creations of God and we shouldn't think lowly of ourselves, not in that way at least.

 

[ToBeWithHim]

What you are describing is not "love".

As a female, if I see a guy pursuing multiple girls in hopes that one of them will finally say "Hi" (so to speak) and then that girl is the one he'll decide he really likes because she responded back, that's a huge turn off. If your friends say that it's obvious that you're pursuing these girls, then that could be a reason they're turning you down. I know I, personally, wouldn't want to be "one of many" and just be the next person on your list to "try out".

Why did your friendship with one of your guy friends suddenly stop just because he started dating your crush? I find that a pretty shallow reason to stop a friendship with someone. I doubt he was out to get you by starting to date this girl.

I didn't realize that i could only edit my post once, anyways, to continue the thought from last post.

I know going after multiple girls is a major turn off, and girls is not why i come to church (at least in theory it should not be). I just saw almost all of my friends entering relationship in the their teens and i seems to be one of the few that couldn't even catch a single date in one year. It felt especially lonely in holidays like Valentine's day, Christmas or Birthday. I guess that shows my desperation and it kind of creepy in a sense.

I know i shouldn't hold that against my friend in church, just because he started to date my crush, and he has supported me numerous times on writing my resume and also be accountable for my actions so i can be closer to God. I just couldn't put my jealousy away and it really tainted my friendship with him, every time i saw him i saw the relationship that i couldn't have.

 

[Liamson]

This is my whole beef with Online Dating. And or Mostly Dating in General.

I can't like someone and like someone else at the same time. I'm not wired that way.

I don't ever EVER EVER want to treat someone like they were my second choice. As if Dating is like the fantasy football Draft, and I have a "Big Board" of potential mates ranked in order and which ever one is highest ranked and falls to my pick I'll pursue. "Well it looks like Nautilus over there got the Number one pick by Dating SmokeytheChastityPanda, which leaves LightningClap and I to rock paper scissors over who gets to pursue PrincessSunshineSparkleKarma86. After that its RumorBronco45, Spiritual_Salmonella and Celestial-Dolphin-Moguls." (all fictional of course)

<Smokey the Chastity Panda

That leaves me with a big disgusting knot in my stomach, like the same kind of knot I get when I think about Swingers or that story about the Mom who intercepted the Love letters between her Daughter and the Man she loved, only to have them find each other as adults married with children wondering why they never heard from each other. Its almost the same knot I get when I think about Volvo Settlers too.

As some of you may or may not know. I believe that Marriage should not be about filling a position, ie "Finding A wife or finding A husband." I believe that people should only get married to a best friend that they know they can't live without. It takes years to build the kind of trusting deep relationship that makes for a good marriage. Arbitrarily pursuing women, just because you can is only going to lead to massive destruction and heartache. If you genuinely care about the happiness and well being of these women, as your sisters in Christ and not potential meet market marriage material, you will find that the hole in your life is not the absence of a woman but, perhaps the need for validation and acceptance of yourself.

Getting married is not a Rite of Passage, neither is having a spouse a meaningful mark of social status. People are not glamorous accessories and Marriage is not a position to be filled simply by finding a qualified candidate. The Bible says do not covet your neighbors wife but, I think this also applies to the jealousy we find in embittered singles, who long for the inclusion that being married in church is suppose to come with. If you were Jealous before, you will be jealous still. If you were bitter before, you will be bitter still. To be content in Christ means to be whole, for better or worse, it is believing that He is all you need. No one can take that away from you and there is no greater treasure. Remember, Love does not want, it does not seek for itself, it is not prone to jealousy, it does not cause strife and it endures all things.

Strive to Enter the Kingdom, and let everything else be everything else.

 

[ToBeWithHim]

It's commendable that you recognize where you're going wrong and that you want to change.

Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth from someone else, too. Trust me; I've been there. Though I disliked it at the time, I realized that they just wanted me to grow as a person and not end up hurting myself any more than I already was. It wasn't out of maliciousness.

Something else to add: You say that it will be a "miracle" when a girl wants to be with you. I'd recommend you try to change your perspective on that. That's how I used to think (and still sometimes do, honestly), "Wow, it'll take a miracle for any man to want me as I am!" But that's really putting ourselves down. I'm not saying we should be high and mighty, or think "Look at me, I deserve a relationship!", but we are precious and loved creations of God and we shouldn't think lowly of ourselves, not in that way at least.

Yeah, I need to be more confident on myself, no girls would want to rely on a guy who doesn't believe in himself. But the reality is that I am barely making a living by myself (making slightly more than minimal wage), while the girl that i like is a pharmacist and at least one to two years older than me. I guess in a way i have choose girls that is out of my league, and it sets myself for disappointment

This is my whole beef with Online Dating. And or Mostly Dating in General.

I can't like someone and like someone else at the same time. I'm not wired that way.

I don't ever EVER EVER want to treat someone like they were my second choice. As if Dating is like the fantasy football Draft, and I have a "Big Board" of potential mates ranked in order and which ever one is highest ranked and falls to my pick I'll pursue. "Well it looks like Nautilus over there got the Number one pick by Dating SmokeytheChastityPanda, which leaves LightningClap and I to rock paper scissors over who gets to pursue PrincessSunshineSparkleKarma86. After that its RumorBronco45, Spiritual_Salmonella and Celestial-Dolphin-Moguls." (all fictional of course)

<Smokey the Chastity Panda

That leaves me with a big disgusting knot in my stomach, like the same kind of knot I get when I think about Swingers or that story about the Mom who intercepted the Love letters between her Daughter and the Man she loved, only to have them find each other as adults married with children wondering why they never heard from each other. Its almost the same knot I get when I think about Volvo Settlers too.

As some of you may or may not know. I believe that Marriage should not be about filling a position, ie "Finding A wife or finding A husband." I believe that people should only get married to a best friend that they know they can't live without. It takes years to build the kind of trusting deep relationship that makes for a good marriage. Arbitrarily pursuing women, just because you can is only going to lead to massive destruction and heartache. If you genuinely care about the happiness and well being of these women, as your sisters in Christ and not potential meet market marriage material, you will find that the hole in your life is not the absence of a woman but, perhaps the need for validation and acceptance of yourself.

Getting married is not a Rite of Passage, neither is having a spouse a meaningful mark of social status. People are not glamorous accessories and Marriage is not a position to be filled simply by finding a qualified candidate. The Bible says do not covet your neighbors wife but, I think this also applies to the jealousy we find in embittered singles, who long for the inclusion that being married in church is suppose to come with. If you were Jealous before, you will be jealous still. If you were bitter before, you will be bitter still. To be content in Christ means to be whole, for better or worse, it is believing that He is all you need. No one can take that away from you and there is no greater treasure. Remember, Love does not want, it does not seek for itself, it is not prone to jealousy, it does not cause strife and it endures all things.

Strive to Enter the Kingdom, and let everything else be everything else.

Interested that my cell group leader used the same analogy, the only difference is that he used hockey and not football.

I need to remember why i come to christ in the first place. The doctor in hospital had once diagnosed me with a moderate depression before in 2008, I was once again thinking of suicide a few months after i left the hospital, but then i remember people who passed the gospel to me about a year before and i kind of laughed at them. So this is what i said to God during that time.

"God, if you are there, which i believe you do not exist. If you are really there and really loved me, you would send someone to save me and not allow me to kill myself, right? However, if you really do send someone I know to save me and lead me to a good church, i promised that i will never leave you! Amen."

The meaning is there but obviously not in exact word. Anyways, the important part is that a friend who i haven't saw in a while showed up ten minutes after the prayer concluded. He is a christian and he brought me to his church about one or two weeks later.

Nowadays, I seems to know that God loves me, but in a way i only know but did not really experience his love at all. Kind of know the rules of baseball but did not play baseball at all.

 

[Jullianna]

This is my whole beef with Online Dating. And or Mostly Dating in General.

I can't like someone and like someone else at the same time. I'm not wired that way.

I don't ever EVER EVER want to treat someone like they were my second choice. As if Dating is like the fantasy football Draft, and I have a "Big Board" of potential mates ranked in order and which ever one is highest ranked and falls to my pick I'll pursue. "Well it looks like Nautilus over there got the Number one pick by Dating SmokeytheChastityPanda, which leaves LightningClap and I to rock paper scissors over who gets to pursue PrincessSunshineSparkleKarma86. After that its RumorBronco45, Spiritual_Salmonella and Celestial-Dolphin-Moguls." (all fictional of course)

<Smokey the Chastity Panda

That leaves me with a big disgusting knot in my stomach, like the same kind of knot I get when I think about Swingers or that story about the Mom who intercepted the Love letters between her Daughter and the Man she loved, only to have them find each other as adults married with children wondering why they never heard from each other. Its almost the same knot I get when I think about Volvo Settlers too.

As some of you may or may not know. I believe that Marriage should not be about filling a position, ie "Finding A wife or finding A husband." I believe that people should only get married to a best friend that they know they can't live without. It takes years to build the kind of trusting deep relationship that makes for a good marriage. Arbitrarily pursuing women, just because you can is only going to lead to massive destruction and heartache. If you genuinely care about the happiness and well being of these women, as your sisters in Christ and not potential meet market marriage material, you will find that the hole in your life is not the absence of a woman but, perhaps the need for validation and acceptance of yourself.

Getting married is not a Rite of Passage, neither is having a spouse a meaningful mark of social status. People are not glamorous accessories and Marriage is not a position to be filled simply by finding a qualified candidate. The Bible says do not covet your neighbors wife but, I think this also applies to the jealousy we find in embittered singles, who long for the inclusion that being married in church is suppose to come with. If you were Jealous before, you will be jealous still. If you were bitter before, you will be bitter still. To be content in Christ means to be whole, for better or worse, it is believing that He is all you need. No one can take that away from you and there is no greater treasure. Remember, Love does not want, it does not seek for itself, it is not prone to jealousy, it does not cause strife and it endures all things.

Strive to Enter the Kingdom, and let everything else be everything else.

I like this. If I am interested enough in someone to date them, then I am interested in them and them alone. They are not competing with anyone else. They are not someone I am settling for. They are someone who stands out to me head and shoulders above the crowd and I want to get to know them better. They are someone who doesn't come along very often. They are someone to be respected and treasured.

Rate 'em and date 'em games are for those who are too insecure to not be in a relationship and/or lonely enough to settle for the first warm body who comes along in an attractive enough package. Their divorce card usually ends up pretty full as well.

 

[Ugly]

You can edit a post more than once, you just have a 5 minute window to do any editing. Which, unless you're fast, you likely won't get more than one chance.

 

[secularhermit]

I had the hunch this book (stop dating the church), of Joshua Harris, may serve for anything:

http://www.joshharris.com/media/stopdatingthechurch_studyguide.pdf

 

[Deliver]

As some of you may or may not know. I believe that Marriage should not be about filling a position, ie "Finding A wife or finding A husband." I believe that people should only get married to a best friend that they know they can't live without. It takes years to build the kind of trusting deep relationship that makes for a good marriage. Arbitrarily pursuing women, just because you can is only going to lead to massive destruction and heartache. If you genuinely care about the happiness and well being of these women, as your sisters in Christ and not potential meet market marriage material, you will find that the hole in your life is not the absence of a woman but, perhaps the need for validation and acceptance of yourself.

Getting married is not a Rite of Passage, neither is having a spouse a meaningful mark of social status. People are not glamorous accessories and Marriage is not a position to be filled simply by finding a qualified candidate. The Bible says do not covet your neighbors wife but, I think this also applies to the jealousy we find in embittered singles, who long for the inclusion that being married in church is suppose to come with. If you were Jealous before, you will be jealous still. If you were bitter before, you will be bitter still. To be content in Christ means to be whole, for better or worse, it is believing that He is all you need. No one can take that away from you and there is no greater treasure. Remember, Love does not want, it does not seek for itself, it is not prone to jealousy, it does not cause strife and it endures all things.

Strive to Enter the Kingdom, and let everything else be everything else.

^ some of the best words I've read in a long time, all singles should read that.

 

[Liamson]

I forgot all about Smokey the Chastity Panda. I hear she is still single.