Should men be able to express themselves in a relationship?

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,452
1,270
113
#1
Hi folks just a pretty straightforward question really.
In a relationship do you think it's important for a guy to be able to express himself.Many guys in general can express anger for example which is a powerful forceful amount of emotional energy...what what about sharing his innermost feelings?Things that hurt him,fears,concerns ect..traumas?
Many women have been frustrated as their partner doesn't express how he really feels or thinks about certain things and therefore makes it difficult for her understand his point of view and if he feels sad,anxious or even worried about things in life.
Unfortunately various cultures as well a society can dictate how men express themselves mentally and emotionally and some can see expressing certain emotions as being unmanly or weak.Also in the home many fathers don't express themselves emotionally to their sons so many sons can grow up not being emotionally self aware.
Some men are lead to believe they aren't supposed to cry,be scared...be vulnerable ect...so many men at times seek to hide these things and put on a front which isn't a reflection of who they REALLY are.Many feel the constant pressure or demand to be strong,the leader....the warrior type figure...
Personally I have no problems expressing my emotions verbally e t because of having to go through counselling in the past and just being really aware of that's going on inside me.Anyway it be good to hear your thoughts on this matter.
Look forward to hear from you.
Just how important is it for a guy to be able to express himself in a relationship emotionally and mentally...coz some guys say they dont do emotions..🤦🏼‍♂️
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#2
well thats why we pray
If you cant pray you dont really have a relationship with God.

1 John 9-10

if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us all from unrighteousness. if we say we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

In terms of a marriage relationship, how can you forgive each other if you cant even talk about stuff like sin, what you did wrong, if it hurts etc. That would be like denying everything and pretending things are fine when they arent. Sure way to have cancer me thinks.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#3
David's psalms are as emotional as anything ever written.
Paul expressed emotions in his letters.
You might not express things verbally but you can still express other ways. Dont bottle things up and then explode and take everything out on a woman.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,452
1,270
113
#4
well thats why we pray
If you cant pray you dont really have a relationship with God.

1 John 9-10

if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us all from unrighteousness. if we say we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

In terms of a marriage relationship, how can you forgive each other if you cant even talk about stuff like sin, what you did wrong, if it hurts etc. That would be like denying everything and pretending things are fine when they arent. Sure way to have cancer me thinks.
Hi there are different levels if self expression.i am sure things like praying is relatively easy for many guys to do...however being able to open up about things that could be close to heart,emotional things like pain....it doesnt have to be an actual sin that's committed.
Example..
Say if a couple are trying for a child and after tests it comes to light that the husband has a very low spem count...and then methods are put in place to help with this. However it all makes him feel less of man and a kind of failure and his wife notices he is emotionally withdrawn and makes excuse to avoid physical intimacy....but when she ask him he cant actually express how he's feeling..he may say "nothings wrong" .."its just work stuff".no sins committed in that sense but he cant engage with her at that level of depth.
Thus causing a degree of tension within the marriage.

The other issue you mentioned where one can be in a kind of denial of what actually going on in a relationship happens too..wher real root issues are not discussed or confronted leaving gapping wounds to form in the relationship
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,452
1,270
113
#5
David's psalms are as emotional as anything ever written.
Paul expressed emotions in his letters.
You might not express things verbally but you can still express other ways. Dont bottle things up and then explode and take everything out on a woman.
Exactly...and avoid going to the bottle for comfort..There has been an increased awareness of men and their mental health over the past few years where there have been all kinda campaigns seeking to encourage me to open up more about their feelings of depression..anxiety..ect..coz many do bottle things up which only makes the things they are struggling with much worse
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#6
praying is not easy for guys who dont believe.
You can tell God anything, even intimate stuff and He wont be fazed by it.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#7
Not sure why you posting this in singles though! More of a family issue if a couple is trying for a family.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,452
1,270
113
#8
praying is not easy for guys who dont believe.
You can tell God anything, even intimate stuff and He wont be fazed by it.
For any one who doesn't believe..praying isnt easy.
There is a pride thing that some men have where things like humility and dependence can be unfamiliar coz of how they have been lead to believe lifes dynamics ought to work.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#9
I expect low fertility is just a general thing these days because of chemicals and radiation in the atmosphere. we live in a polluted, fallen world.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#10
Men just have to be humble and swallow their pride.

I do think thats important. I know the world expects men in particular to be prideful, act like lions and kings. But Jesus did not...he was like a lamb!
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,452
1,270
113
#11
Not sure why you posting this in singles though! More of a family issue if a couple is trying for a family.
This post is also relevant for singles too who want to be married ect as many of us in our desire for a partner have certain qualities we would like them to have..like being able to open up about things.
You seem to have missed the whole point of the example I gave about the scenario of a couple trying for a baby..ita not about the trying for a baby that the point I am illustrating ..but the fact that a guy may go through things and not open up about it..that's the point I was making
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#12
I supposing it is different from what a christian woman expects to a non believing woman who is putting all her faith in men, not God.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#13
This post is also relevant for singles too who want to be married ect as many of us in our desire for a partner have certain qualities we would like them to have..like being able to open up about things.
You seem to have missed the whole point of the example I gave about the scenario of a couple trying for a baby..ita not about the trying for a baby that the point I am illustrating ..but the fact that a guy may go through things and not open up about it..that's the point I was making
oh well that is his problem if he doesnt want to be open about stuff. it will bite him in the long run.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#14
You just need to accept a man for who he is and not try and change them. Let God do the changing.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,452
1,270
113
#15
oh well that is his problem if he doesnt want to be open about stuff. it will bite him in the long run.
We if that's your point if view then you lack the sensitivity to realise that for some guys opening up is something that have never really learnt how to do or weren't encouraged to do.
To say. "that's his" problem doesnt exactly come across as helpful.
 

Belka

Junior Member
Aug 24, 2017
225
228
43
#16
Hi Encouragement :)
Good to see you! I was wondering where you were gone, haha.

Interesting topic, and one that I've thought about a few times, myself.
I have to admit I'm a bit torn about this.

Because, on the one hand, I do believe it's important for a man to be able to express his feelings and thoughts and just be vulnerable. Because not only will he feel relieved and lighter (hopefully?)*, but being vulnerable with another person creates intimacy, which strengthens the bond between two people. And women do need to feel like they're emotionally connected to their partners in order to truly be fulfilled.
*what if men actually feel worse after opening up? Especially to their partners? (I think I read something like that once, but not sure if that's true or not. Perhaps it could be related to feeling "weak" and therefore creating a sense of unease in the man).

However, and this is where I must try and be delicate with my words, I have observed (and even experienced) a loss of "respect" from women for a man who is "mopey". I know that many women experience that, even if they deny it. I don't think it's something that's easy to admit, because it makes us look bad. But I'm just being honest. It almost seems like an instinctual reaction.

There's something quite off-putting about a man who can't find the 'strength' to handle his emotions or life situations.

Now, I'm not saying that any kind of vulnerability is an instant turn-off, of course! But there seems to be a kind of... unspoken desire, for a woman, to be with a man who is "strong". A man who can handle things, you know?

Perhaps what would make a difference, is if a man expresses his struggles and vulnerabilities but adopts a pro-active, "solution-oriented" approach, and not a defeatist, hopeless approach. I think that would change things quite considerably.

So for example, he could share that he's been feeling X, Y and Z (fearful, sad, unmotivated, etc.) but at the same time say that he intends to come out of it, and not remain stuck in that place. A fighter's attitude, so to speak. And moreso, an attitude of faith and hope. I think that would make a great difference.

Does that make sense?

I wonder if men feel the same way about women who show their vulnerable side? Or not at all?

Hopefully I haven't offended anyone with my words... Just kinda thinking "out loud" here.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#17
yeh but Im not someones helper the holy spirit is.

Ive learned that if you grieve the holy spirit, its going to hurt even more because then you wont have any help at all.

so thats why we pray FIRST before we do anything. Placing all that burden onto a woman isnt ideal or we would all be counsellors and mothers.

some men want to marry their mothers, ok, but I think that kind of relationship is rather unequal. And no woman really wants to have a child for a husband.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,237
4,400
113
#18
confessing sins to God, even worries (worrying is a sin) is important in the relationship we have with Him
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,452
1,270
113
#19
Hi Encouragement :)
Good to see you! I was wondering where you were gone, haha.

Interesting topic, and one that I've thought about a few times, myself.
I have to admit I'm a bit torn about this.

Because, on the one hand, I do believe it's important for a man to be able to express his feelings and thoughts and just be vulnerable. Because not only will he feel relieved and lighter (hopefully?)*, but being vulnerable with another person creates intimacy, which strengthens the bond between two people. And women do need to feel like they're emotionally connected to their partners in order to truly be fulfilled.
*what if men actually feel worse after opening up? Especially to their partners? (I think I read something like that once, but not sure if that's true or not. Perhaps it could be related to feeling "weak" and therefore creating a sense of unease in the man).

However, and this is where I must try and be delicate with my words, I have observed (and even experienced) a loss of "respect" from women for a man who is "mopey". I know that many women experience that, even if they deny it. I don't think it's something that's easy to admit, because it makes us look bad. But I'm just being honest. It almost seems like an instinctual reaction.

There's something quite off-putting about a man who can't find the 'strength' to handle his emotions or life situations.

Now, I'm not saying that any kind of vulnerability is an instant turn-off, of course! But there seems to be a kind of... unspoken desire, for a woman, to be with a man who is "strong". A man who can handle things, you know?

Perhaps what would make a difference, is if a man expresses his struggles and vulnerabilities but adopts a pro-active, "solution-oriented" approach, and not a defeatist, hopeless approach. I think that would change things quite considerably.

So for example, he could share that he's been feeling X, Y and Z (fearful, sad, unmotivated, etc.) but at the same time say that he intends to come out of it, and not remain stuck in that place. A fighter's attitude, so to speak. And moreso, an attitude of faith and hope. I think that would make a great difference.

Does that make sense?

I wonder if men feel the same way about women who show their vulnerable side? Or not at all?

Hopefully I haven't offended anyone with my words... Just kinda thinking "out loud" here.
Hi Ha ha..I am still around..but it's niceto know that you were aware of my absence in creating new threads for a number of weeks.😊
Yes i know what you mean exactly.Thats one of the issues men sometimes have to battle with..being able so show there emotions and open up about things yet at the same time somehow being expected to show a level of manly strength in the midst of it..
I think of jesus when in the garden praying just before he was arrested...he was so traumatised by the thought of going to the cross due to the spiritual and physical dynamics he asked the father if he could avoid going to the cross.
At times life can break us,traumatise us and I know that a man can be seen as wishy washy or weak or unmanly even... if he isnt somehow got some degree of strength in the midst of what he is going through.
I guess depends on his temperament also is relationship with God.
I feel that if a man does open up and expresses his own degree of brokenness,anxiety,fear or whatever then there ought not to be an expectation for his to be displaying some degree of manly strength because thats where God comes in.
Yet it also mean he trust is partner to be completely honest with her and allow her to witness things about him that perhaps not many others get to see.There will be times when she is weak he is strong and other times he weak shes strong.
Superman,Rambo and how manhood and masculinity is depicted in society is far removed from how many men really are in real life.
Not an easy one as our expectations can be greatly influenced by external factors..

Love your comments though.. 👍🏻😊😊
 

TheIndianGirl

Well-known member
Nov 22, 2019
1,374
973
113
#20
Hi folks just a pretty straightforward question really.
In a relationship do you think it's important for a guy to be able to express himself.Many guys in general can express anger for example which is a powerful forceful amount of emotional energy...what what about sharing his innermost feelings?Things that hurt him,fears,concerns ect..traumas?
Many women have been frustrated as their partner doesn't express how he really feels or thinks about certain things and therefore makes it difficult for her understand his point of view and if he feels sad,anxious or even worried about things in life.
Unfortunately various cultures as well a society can dictate how men express themselves mentally and emotionally and some can see expressing certain emotions as being unmanly or weak.Also in the home many fathers don't express themselves emotionally to their sons so many sons can grow up not being emotionally self aware.
Some men are lead to believe they aren't supposed to cry,be scared...be vulnerable ect...so many men at times seek to hide these things and put on a front which isn't a reflection of who they REALLY are.Many feel the constant pressure or demand to be strong,the leader....the warrior type figure...
Personally I have no problems expressing my emotions verbally e t because of having to go through counselling in the past and just being really aware of that's going on inside me.Anyway it be good to hear your thoughts on this matter.
Look forward to hear from you.
Just how important is it for a guy to be able to express himself in a relationship emotionally and mentally...coz some guys say they dont do emotions..🤦🏼‍♂️
I think it depends on the spouse/wife. I think many women would want an expressive spouse, and vice versa. Communication is key, especially when it comes to expressing love for eachother (many spouses do not tell eachother, or parents towards their children, the simple "I love you."). At the same time, if the spouse is always being a downer, the other spouse may want some space. I think it depends on each person's tolerance level on how much they are able to handle stress and how "deep" they are. Personally, another person's anxiety/worry would worry me easily, so I would prefer if my spouse is selective in what I need to know.