When You Don't Talk to Friends Before They Commit Suicide

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Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#1
A dear friend, who I let become an old friend, committed suicide the other night.

We were close friends who were each other's confidant when we worked together, and I was going to college. We had a tight-knit group of friends, from work, who hung out together for years. She moved in with my best friend, and I moved a couple hours away after I graduated. She told me she was very upset about that.

She was with me the many months when I "rededicated' my life to christ. Basically, that's what we call it when someone who grew up in the church gets the awesome coincidences, many inspiring emotions and become a disciple of christ when they're an adult. I lived The Way with her every day. But I really can't remember if I ever specifically asked her to believe in christ.

I just remember, when the subject of church came up, she told me what her experience with church members was when she looked me in the eyes and said, "They're all a bunch of hypocrites, don't you think?" I don't remember what I replied exactly. I just know I took in her experience first. I think I said, "Every regular human is a hypocrite."

After I moved away, we talked on the phone for a while, but then I stopped, or we stopped, for about 20 years. She called and left a voice mail about two years ago. I never called her back.
 

Gideon300

Well-known member
Mar 18, 2021
4,682
2,743
113
#2
There is no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus. You don't know what would have happened if you answered the call and you cannot undo the past. If you believe that you've sinned, confess it and you are forgiven. You can't help that former friend. There are people that you can help. Ask the Lord what you should learn from this experience. God is way bigger than our faults and failings.
 
J

joecoten

Guest
#3
One of the kids that spent time in my basement with my kids in their teen years, jumped off a bridge the other night. He was grown, in his mid-twenties. I didn't see as much of him the last half-dozen years, though he would still drop by once in awhile.
I didn't even know he had a problem with depression. I wish I did, as I've had a life-long struggle with it. You ask your self what you could've done, but those are futile questions. There's no answers.
It's a struggle with guilt. Praying for you, Sculpt.
 
Jun 28, 2022
1,258
383
83
#4
A dear friend, who I let become an old friend, committed suicide the other night.

We were close friends who were each other's confidant when we worked together, and I was going to college. We had a tight-knit group of friends, from work, who hung out together for years. She moved in with my best friend, and I moved a couple hours away after I graduated. She told me she was very upset about that.

She was with me the many months when I "rededicated' my life to christ. Basically, that's what we call it when someone who grew up in the church gets the awesome coincidences, many inspiring emotions and become a disciple of christ when they're an adult. I lived The Way with her every day. But I really can't remember if I ever specifically asked her to believe in christ.

I just remember, when the subject of church came up, she told me what her experience with church members was when she looked me in the eyes and said, "They're all a bunch of hypocrites, don't you think?" I don't remember what I replied exactly. I just know I took in her experience first. I think I said, "Every regular human is a hypocrite."

After I moved away, we talked on the phone for a while, but then I stopped, or we stopped, for about 20 years. She called and left a voice mail about two years ago. I never called her back.
May God have mercy upon her. In Jesus name I ask it, Amen.
 

MsMediator

Well-known member
Mar 8, 2022
909
558
93
#5
I have not had this experience as I have not had a friend commit suicide. However, I have had some regrets about not being a better friend. One of my early roommates had a bad boyfriend, and even now I feel if I had been a better friend she would not have sought his attention (we went through a phase where we didn't get along). Her decisions are not my fault/ responsiblity, but there is a slight amount of guilt even now.
 

Gojira

Well-known member
Jul 20, 2021
5,559
2,234
113
Mesa, AZ
#6
A dear friend, who I let become an old friend, committed suicide the other night.

We were close friends who were each other's confidant when we worked together, and I was going to college. We had a tight-knit group of friends, from work, who hung out together for years. She moved in with my best friend, and I moved a couple hours away after I graduated. She told me she was very upset about that.

She was with me the many months when I "rededicated' my life to christ. Basically, that's what we call it when someone who grew up in the church gets the awesome coincidences, many inspiring emotions and become a disciple of christ when they're an adult. I lived The Way with her every day. But I really can't remember if I ever specifically asked her to believe in christ.

I just remember, when the subject of church came up, she told me what her experience with church members was when she looked me in the eyes and said, "They're all a bunch of hypocrites, don't you think?" I don't remember what I replied exactly. I just know I took in her experience first. I think I said, "Every regular human is a hypocrite."

After I moved away, we talked on the phone for a while, but then I stopped, or we stopped, for about 20 years. She called and left a voice mail about two years ago. I never called her back.
You did not know. But... when someone dies, we often second-guess all of our choices.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,383
639
113
#7
A dear friend, who I let become an old friend, committed suicide the other night.

We were close friends who were each other's confidant when we worked together, and I was going to college. We had a tight-knit group of friends, from work, who hung out together for years. She moved in with my best friend, and I moved a couple hours away after I graduated. She told me she was very upset about that.

She was with me the many months when I "rededicated' my life to christ. Basically, that's what we call it when someone who grew up in the church gets the awesome coincidences, many inspiring emotions and become a disciple of christ when they're an adult. I lived The Way with her every day. But I really can't remember if I ever specifically asked her to believe in christ.

I just remember, when the subject of church came up, she told me what her experience with church members was when she looked me in the eyes and said, "They're all a bunch of hypocrites, don't you think?" I don't remember what I replied exactly. I just know I took in her experience first. I think I said, "Every regular human is a hypocrite."

After I moved away, we talked on the phone for a while, but then I stopped, or we stopped, for about 20 years. She called and left a voice mail about two years ago. I never called her back.
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

Even if you had said something, then it might not have made a difference anyway.

Many years ago, one of my sisters divorced her husband. He eventually got remarried to my sister's best friend, so that was a bit awkward. Anyhow, before he got remarried, he and this woman had some issues which led to her being depressed.

I knew that she had at least gotten a very good overview of the gospel once. How so? Well, my ex-brother-in-law was a graphic designer, and I was preaching on the streets at that time. I wrote a very long tract...more of a booklet...and he helped design it for me. His girlfriend at the time, who eventually became his wife, helped him with the design, and she actually typed out all of the text, so I know that she read everything that I wrote, and it was quite thorough.

When I was visiting them one day, she was visibly upset and crying her head off. I tried to minister to her, and I also told her that if she needed someone to talk to, then I was there for her. Well, she tried to kill herself later on that night by taking a bunch of sleeping pills. She ultimately survived that, but she did die of a heart attack several years later, and apparently without the Lord.

Anyhow, learn from your tragic experience, and try to share the gospel with as many people as you can now.

Approximately 150,000 people die daily, and most of them die without knowing Christ.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,458
7,168
113
#8
Someone else may have told her the gospel, it is not all on you
I recall when one of my old friends went missing and we hadnt been in touch for a few years. I knew her before I was a christian. After that we didnt hang out because she was into the party lifestyle. When I spoke to her sister after she had passed, she told me she and her sister had become christians and her sister got saved only a few days before she went missing, when the neighbours came round and told them the gospel.

I think it was a big struggle for this friend as she suffered a lot of tempation and sin to deal with but God had mercy on her. I had a lot of peace after that about her soul. Though her body was never found.

Christians can also commit suicide and we might not know the reasons either, but God will know. Not everyone will take up the gospel and bear fruit though and we can never predict who will, but I just say sow in abundance and you will reap in abundance...when you do reach Heaven you may be surprised at how many lives the gospel has touched through you.

eg I may meet the person who I never seen who first told me the gospel online.
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#9
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

Even if you had said something, then it might not have made a difference anyway.

Many years ago, one of my sisters divorced her husband. He eventually got remarried to my sister's best friend, so that was a bit awkward. Anyhow, before he got remarried, he and this woman had some issues which led to her being depressed.

I knew that she had at least gotten a very good overview of the gospel once. How so? Well, my ex-brother-in-law was a graphic designer, and I was preaching on the streets at that time. I wrote a very long tract...more of a booklet...and he helped design it for me. His girlfriend at the time, who eventually became his wife, helped him with the design, and she actually typed out all of the text, so I know that she read everything that I wrote, and it was quite thorough.

When I was visiting them one day, she was visibly upset and crying her head off. I tried to minister to her, and I also told her that if she needed someone to talk to, then I was there for her. Well, she tried to kill herself later on that night by taking a bunch of sleeping pills. She ultimately survived that, but she did die of a heart attack several years later, and apparently without the Lord.

Anyhow, learn from your tragic experience, and try to share the gospel with as many people as you can now.

Approximately 150,000 people die daily, and most of them die without knowing Christ.
Thank you. That reminds me of when I was about 23 and was working at hotel. The PR Events Manager was 30-something pretty woman who dragged in a boyfriend once; I'll call her Tracy. We were very casually friendly. The hotel owner/manager pointed out to me that she had been coming in having been drinking. I hadn't noticed the drinking, but I had noticed, in some way, inner tribulation. When she came by, I told her if she ever needed to talk, I was there for her. She was surprised in a very good way. She thanked me and gave me a hug. It was weird for me, I really had no words beyond that, so I said nothing else. I wish I had given her my phone number on a piece of paper.

Within the week she was dead. I think my manager told me she drove into a lake or river and was drowned. Not that how I feel afterwards is the most important thing, but it is most certainly important. I felt some peace that I reached out to her. That was important. There had been others I didn't say anything to, who committed suicide, and I was decided I wasn't going to stay silent. I don't know what other things transpired after I said what I said, nor the specifics of her death. What I said may have been a part of a series of events that led her christ. We don't have the whole picture. We just have to abide in the Lord and be decided we will reach out.
 
J

joecoten

Guest
#10
Thank you. That reminds me of when I was about 23 and was working at hotel. The PR Events Manager was 30-something pretty woman who dragged in a boyfriend once; I'll call her Tracy. We were very casually friendly. The hotel owner/manager pointed out to me that she had been coming in having been drinking. I hadn't noticed the drinking, but I had noticed, in some way, inner tribulation. When she came by, I told her if she ever needed to talk, I was there for her. She was surprised in a very good way. She thanked me and gave me a hug. It was weird for me, I really had no words beyond that, so I said nothing else. I wish I had given her my phone number on a piece of paper.

Within the week she was dead. I think my manager told me she drove into a lake or river and was drowned. Not that how I feel afterwards is the most important thing, but it is most certainly important. I felt some peace that I reached out to her. That was important. There had been others I didn't say anything to, who committed suicide, and I was decided I wasn't going to stay silent. I don't know what other things transpired after I said what I said, nor the specifics of her death. What I said may have been a part of a series of events that led her christ. We don't have the whole picture. We just have to abide in the Lord and be decided we will reach out.
Sometimes I need to remind myself that I'm not God and that I can't be responsible for things that happen to others. Of course I'm going to try and help someone if I can, but the Lord doesn't want me to carry burdens that only He can bear.
I've gone through some sad times, but when I find the joy of the Lord, I find my strength. And I need to not question it or try to understand it. Just be thankful for it. We keep what we have by giving it away!
" Then Nehemiah told them, “Go and eat what is rich, drink what is sweet, and send out portions to those who have nothing prepared, since today is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” - Nehemiah 8-10
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
3,607
2,826
113
#11
A dear friend, who I let become an old friend, committed suicide the other night.

We were close friends who were each other's confidant when we worked together, and I was going to college. We had a tight-knit group of friends, from work, who hung out together for years. She moved in with my best friend, and I moved a couple hours away after I graduated. She told me she was very upset about that.

She was with me the many months when I "rededicated' my life to christ. Basically, that's what we call it when someone who grew up in the church gets the awesome coincidences, many inspiring emotions and become a disciple of christ when they're an adult. I lived The Way with her every day. But I really can't remember if I ever specifically asked her to believe in christ.

I just remember, when the subject of church came up, she told me what her experience with church members was when she looked me in the eyes and said, "They're all a bunch of hypocrites, don't you think?" I don't remember what I replied exactly. I just know I took in her experience first. I think I said, "Every regular human is a hypocrite."

After I moved away, we talked on the phone for a while, but then I stopped, or we stopped, for about 20 years. She called and left a voice mail about two years ago. I never called her back.
An understandable concern, but one that is often based on the belief that you absolutely can change things in others lives.
You have no way of knowing for a fact you could've changed anything in their life. Especially for someone with mental illness or so many worries they don't want to live.
All you feel now is speculation. I get why you'd be thinking that way, but the truth is there are no guarantees.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,383
639
113
#12
Thank you. That reminds me of when I was about 23 and was working at hotel. The PR Events Manager was 30-something pretty woman who dragged in a boyfriend once; I'll call her Tracy. We were very casually friendly. The hotel owner/manager pointed out to me that she had been coming in having been drinking. I hadn't noticed the drinking, but I had noticed, in some way, inner tribulation. When she came by, I told her if she ever needed to talk, I was there for her. She was surprised in a very good way. She thanked me and gave me a hug. It was weird for me, I really had no words beyond that, so I said nothing else. I wish I had given her my phone number on a piece of paper.

Within the week she was dead. I think my manager told me she drove into a lake or river and was drowned. Not that how I feel afterwards is the most important thing, but it is most certainly important. I felt some peace that I reached out to her. That was important. There had been others I didn't say anything to, who committed suicide, and I was decided I wasn't going to stay silent. I don't know what other things transpired after I said what I said, nor the specifics of her death. What I said may have been a part of a series of events that led her christ. We don't have the whole picture. We just have to abide in the Lord and be decided we will reach out.
It's always best that we try to say or do something...assuming that we know what's actually going on, that is.

I'll share something that happened between me and my younger sister (I'm number 8 out of 9, and she's number 9 out of 9).

About 30 years ago, my sister wound up in a mental hospital for a while. There were several different reasons why, but that's not really the focus of what I'm about to tell you. At that time, I was the only Christian in my family, and my other family members, especially my siblings, weren't (and still aren't) fond of either Christ or me (to say the least). Anyhow, they all told me not to go visit my sister in the hospital. In fact, they told me that if I did, then she would kill herself, and her blood would be upon me.

Well, that was their assessment of the situation, but it certainly wasn't God's assessment. God clearly spoke to me, and said the following:

"Go and tell your sister that she's selfish, and that she's consumed in self-pity, and if she doesn't repent, then this will end in self-destruction or suicide".

Now, that may seem exceedingly harsh to you or others reading this, but if you knew my sister, then you would know that that truly was the voice of God.

Well, I didn't want to go and tell her that. I've always responded IMMEDIATELY to whatever the Lord has instructed me to do (including repenting of my own sins), but this was one of only two times that I can think of that I didn't respond to the Lord's instruction immediately.

What happened?

Well, let's just say that God wrestled with me for about 8 days straight (and he's a lot stronger than I am) until I finally conceded and obeyed him. His last way of dealing with me before I finally obeyed was the following:

One of my other sisters needed a baby-sitter for her two daughters during this timeframe, and I volunteered. Seeing how it was close to Christmas, my sister bought a gingerbread house kit for her two daughters and me to assemble. Well, the instructions told us to put vanilla frosting on the four edges of the sides of the gingerbread house and to stick them together. We were then instructed to get four soup cans (or any other cans) to support the sides of the house for 1 hour until they dried and hardened, and then we were to move on the next step of adding the roof to the house. Well, we waited 1 hour, removed the soup cans that were supporting the sides, and added the roof...and the whole thing collapsed shortly thereafter. We repeated the same steps two more times, and both times the house collapsed as soon as the roof was added.

At that point in time, the Lord spoke to me, clear as day, and said the following (I'm paraphrasing):

"This gingerbread house represents exactly what your family members are doing with your sister. They're speaking to her soft and sweet words, like the vanilla frosting, but the frosting doesn't have the temperance to hold the house together. Furthermore, like the soup cans, they're providing support to hold your sister up, but as soon as that support is removed and any weight is added to her life (like the roof of the gingerbread house), she is going to fall apart. Now, go and tell her what I told you to tell her."

Well, by the time that I finally obeyed, my sister was out of the mental hospital and back in her own home. I went to her house, and I told her what God told me to tell her. She threw me out of her house (she also threw me out of her car on the highway about 60 miles away from my home on another occasion), but she's still alive today.

The moral of the story is that sometimes people need a "hard" word. Cement isn't anywhere near as palatable as vanilla frosting, but which would you rather have supporting your house?

Anyhow, when I finally obeyed God, he stopped wrestling with me.
 

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
768
822
93
#13
I’m really sorry about your friend, Sculpt.

There will always be the “what-ifs?” in situations like this.

I find peace in knowing that the Lord loves the missing person more than we possibly could understand. We may not have been there, but God knows your friend’s heart and all she went through.

For me, even years later, it’s been a lesson in making sure to make the most out of the time I do have with those I love and care about because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Praying for peace and comfort for you and her family.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,458
7,168
113
#14
Ive had my share of suicidal friends, they need a hard word sometimes its true, if they are consumed with self-pity

Like stop it right now.

We know Jesus was betrayed and suffered plenty but did he jump when the devil told him to jump off the highest tower thinking God was always gonna cushion his fall? There were no bungee cords back then. He did not have anyone else around in the wilderness to stop him.

We cant go round thinking well it was a friend that talked to him before and that stopped him. People will just do what they want to do and will resist if they recognise who the enemy of our souls is.

I remember going to a funeral of a frends nephew who suicide in his 20s. I did not know him but it seems he had PLENTY of friends who he could have talked to. It was a big funeral. I recall the minister saying if you feeling depressed talk to someone. But it could have been he DID talk to many of his friends but kept his suicidal thoughts to himself.

Likewise I recall a temp worker at the library, who was a christian, and found out later that he'd committed suicide and he had a wife and children. We chatted, it wasnt like he didnt talk to anybody. Life might have been tough for him at times but everyone was surpised that he committed suicide. Most people dont really go round saying they will kill themselves.

They kind of do it out of the blue or random but if they are thinking about it they often just dont tell others, its like their secret escape plan. The ones that actually DO talk about it dont really plan to go through with it, sometimes its just they want a reaction.

You always think well then what can anyone do? Most people say well you can call LIFELINE but I dont know (not having called it myself) if they are trained to stop people from killing themselves, but they will apparnetly always listen and you can call them anytime and its free.
 

TheNarrowPath

Well-known member
Jul 17, 2022
1,012
545
113
#15
Sorry for the loss of your friend Sculpt. How are you doing a month later?
My brothers friend was known to my family for years, they would go church together and then hed come back and eat meals with us. He was always smiling and friendly with everyone. The last time I saw him he had this huge smile and came over to say hi. He had a girlfriend and life seemed good for him. The day I found out he ended his life, that was a shocker for everyone who knew him. I think we felt like we didnt know him at all.
Depression takes such a hold on your mind, a very dark place to be. Really hard to snap out of it, the victim mode. I have attempted twice and I keep getting this arm stopping me for a 3rd time, I know I cant come back from it. The what ifs will always be there when you know someone who succumbed to suicide. Personally I believe when you think you have lost control in your life, you make the wrong last ditch attempt to have control. But its distorted type of control.
All we can do is learn from it, grow from it and do better in Christ. Take care of yourself please.
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#16
Sorry for the loss of your friend Sculpt. How are you doing a month later?
My brothers friend was known to my family for years, they would go church together and then hed come back and eat meals with us. He was always smiling and friendly with everyone. The last time I saw him he had this huge smile and came over to say hi. He had a girlfriend and life seemed good for him. The day I found out he ended his life, that was a shocker for everyone who knew him. I think we felt like we didnt know him at all.
Depression takes such a hold on your mind, a very dark place to be. Really hard to snap out of it, the victim mode. I have attempted twice and I keep getting this arm stopping me for a 3rd time, I know I cant come back from it. The what ifs will always be there when you know someone who succumbed to suicide. Personally I believe when you think you have lost control in your life, you make the wrong last ditch attempt to have control. But its distorted type of control.
All we can do is learn from it, grow from it and do better in Christ. Take care of yourself please.
With all the good advice and kind words, I'm at peace with the passing of my friend. There's forgiveness and peace in the Lord. I know my friend wouldn't want me to have one moment of distress.

You mentioned you keep getting this arm stopping you. What are you referring to?
 

Kireina

Well-known member
Aug 26, 2020
1,439
1,365
113
#17
A dear cousin killed himself yesterday... sad...I was thinking if ever I spoke to him about Christ...and I believe I never did 🥺 the last time I saw him was many years ago already.... ahhh I am having mixed emotions right now...sadness and a lot of things on my mind....It makes me sad because I imagine him already at the end of his rope but no one was there for him... 🥺


I learned that he was living alone with an amputated leg and his wife died already many years ago and he had no kids on his own...
 

Gojira

Well-known member
Jul 20, 2021
5,559
2,234
113
Mesa, AZ
#18
A dear cousin killed himself yesterday... sad...I was thinking if ever I spoke to him about Christ...and I believe I never did 🥺 the last time I saw him was many years ago already.... ahhh I am having mixed emotions right now...sadness and a lot of things on my mind....It makes me sad because I imagine him already at the end of his rope but no one was there for him... 🥺


I learned that he was living alone with an amputated leg and his wife died already many years ago and he had no kids on his own...
I'm sorry. Sometimes there just are no words.
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#19
A dear cousin killed himself yesterday... sad...I was thinking if ever I spoke to him about Christ...and I believe I never did 🥺 the last time I saw him was many years ago already.... ahhh I am having mixed emotions right now...sadness and a lot of things on my mind....It makes me sad because I imagine him already at the end of his rope but no one was there for him... 🥺


I learned that he was living alone with an amputated leg and his wife died already many years ago and he had no kids on his own...
Sorry for your loss, Kireina