agnostic dating a christian

[xrussx]

I am agnostic. this means, at least for me, that i am not really a spiritual person in general, what matters to me is what happens in this lifetime. With this being said i do hold many of the values common to Christianity. This is not because of some christian influence but because, after a great deal of introspection, i have found that many of these vaules hold true to how i would like to see the world....

My issue is that i am dating an amazing woman. she is christian to an extent to which i know no few so committed to the religion. I have agreed to give Christ a chance, and to open my heart. What i want is to do is encourage her in her religious beliefs. they are important to her, thus they are important to me. we agreed to no pre-marital sex. that is fine with me. i have never been a person who felt driven by sex. for me if there is no emotion sex is just a gateway to depression and so i don't engage in it unless i feel a real connection to the person i am with....

My question is this... after a few times of kissing and a little grinding she has decided that she no longer wants to kiss. i don't know if this is permanent or just for the time being... i will not sleep with her unless we are married... i have said that to her since that is important to her... but i don't know if i can resist kissing her. I am not talking about making out or grinding, but a kiss on the lips is hard for me to resist if she makes the first move... im not sure i can push her away...

should i feel the full burden of responsibility that i do now? am i guilty of being a negative influence if i allow her to kiss me?? i really do care about this woman... what is important to her is important to me... so i want to be the best i can be for her...

i should add that i have a BA in philosophy. Most of my energy has been spent in Existentialism and Ethics. I believe i am an ethical person... but here i am lost. as a man i cant tell if taking on the responsibility is chauvinistic or not. if she makes the first move and i resist... but give in... am i corrupting her?

That is the last thing i want to do.. she is amazing... i am lucky to have her.. and i dont want to take anything away from her...

 

[kenisyes]

The answer to what you ask needs to be decided by the two of you together. Let me try to say some things in non-Christian language that might help.

There are three things you need to know. 1. A responsible Christian will not engage in sex outside of marriage. She is protectng her feelings by going slowly. 2. A Christian will not leave a marriage no matter how tough it gets; this will be a permanent commitment for her. 3. When a Christian marries a non-Christian, their moving forward as a Christian becomes severely impaired, and their life becomes a life of ministry to their spouse, hoping to love them with God's love as well as their own. This is a hard decision she must make. She may be giving up moving forward with God in ways that she is not sure if God is telling her are alrigtht to give up.

You and she need to adjust to a difficult reality, as the two of you are from different dimensions of creation. She lives in the Kingdom of God, you live in the Kingdom of the world. She has a love guiding her that you do not know. The best thing you can be for her is Christian. But becoming Christian for her is hypocrisy, so you should not do that. What you can do is decide, for yourself, where the love for her in you comes from. That will be a start to solving the problems of deepening the relationship.

 

[starfield]

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
You may want to know that sexual activity outside of marriage is condemned in the bible.

 

[Stuey]

Just ellaborate on what Keniseyes said - You need to realise the difference.

The thing driving her life is Jesus.

What is the thing driving your life? Your pleasure?

You are both heading in fundamentally different directions, it will be extremely hard for you to get married - it will be very tough on her. - She will have to live with the belief that you are going to hell?

I think this little issue you are having now is just a precursor to this. - She is trying to live for Jesus - of which even kissing isn't particularly helpful before marriage. (perhaps depends on context, but from the context you have given I would judge it to be so) Now even though you will try not to - you will find it hard not to lead her into temptation - into sin.

A few other things you need to think about - How will you raise your children? Will you teach them about Jesus?
I'd imagine you would take a - explain things to them and let them decide. That isn't how a Christian is meant to raise their kids - Christian's are meant to teach their kids the way of holiness - of Godliness - of course you can't make them decide but you are meant to lead them.

How will you want to spend your money? Will you spend it on yourself? Your house? The food you eat? Or will you spend it for God - giving substantial portions to charity, supporting

How will you spend your time? Will you spend it enjoying yourself? Watching sport, playing sport - or will you use it helping others, taking care of people - supporting your church?

Will you be happy with your wife living in these ways?

- All things to think about very seriously.

 

[overthechill]

Hi xRussx. I appreciate your honesty and at least have an understanding of your plight. Your opening sentence was indicative of a man without conviction but who is being convicted. What do I mean by that? Well - I think there are some men who wander through life without a kindled interest in higher things. There are others who are trained in higher thinking but not emotionally moved inwardly by what was learned. There are still more that reject a calling from a god and spend the rest of their time defending it. I'm speaking, of course, of the unbeliever, the agnostic, and the atheist. All these examples have one thins in common though; at one time or maybe more in their life, they are convicted. Some men are not convicted until they feel the wind at the end of the tunnel, some men wallow in deep distress and find conviction from their shame, and still others are brought to conviction by another person they might love. We all share, though, in that same guilt.

What do I mean by guilt? This is our conviction. We are found guilty of not accepting the spiritual gift of salvation through Christ even though we know it in our hearts to be true. Whether we reject this truth from our own shallow philosophy or deny it from our shame, or defend a god of science or art, we feel that same hammer adjourning our court. This explains, I believe, your grief and longing in your first paragraph of a better world, vis a vis, a better you.

If you choose not to answer this calling, then I wish you well and pray that your influence over this Bride of Christ is minimal. I believe you understand this corruption. These other matters of kissing and physical affection fall into place as they always do, but I pray you heed this call and search your heart carefully for your own soul so you can better lead your love's.

 

[xrussx]

Thank you all for your input. I would like to respond by saying that giving jesus a chance for her is a different animal then becoming religious for her. What i have agreed to is to open myself up to christ. In this respect she wold be a gateway into a realm i would never have approached. I guess a good way to explain it is that its possible god has sent her to me to show me how great his world is and to guide me back to him. I believe that those who take in jesus simply to avoid hell or for another person are not true believers.

Second i would never try to tempt her into doing anything that she feels takes her away from jesus. As i said what is important for her is important to me. i would never disrespect her by trying to take her away from that path. now the fact that temptation exists without me pushing is something i cant help and would exist even in a christian relationship. all i can say is that i am very good at controlling myself in this area.

As for the children thing i would let her raise them religiously. I have a lot of respect for the religion and its values. the moral foundation put down in the bible is a strong one.

as for the money and time questions right now i am interning as a grant writer. I want to be able to aid others and this is a profession that allows me to raise money for programs that help others in many different areas. I want to be able spend my time making a difference in the lives of others. I would like to, when i make enough money to survive, donate to charities such as saint judes and the dream project in la. both do important work for the community.

In general many of of my values fall in line with hers. We just have different things guiding us... we both want to lead a life we can be proud of. what guides me is an internal desire to make the world a better place rather then a belief that god wants me to do so.

I would like to say thank you all for responding, I really appreciate all of the comments and help you have all provided.

by the way, if you want to read a really interesting religious philosopher you should check out Soren Kierkegaard. He is pretty amazing and has very interesting views on what being religious is and the importance the personal connection to jesus.

 

[kenisyes]

You have separated religion from Jesus. That is a very important first step. If you should accept Jesus as your Lord and savior, do not under any circumstances do it for her. She will die, Jesus does not. Whatever you decide, I wish you a successful and productive life of love.

 

[xrussx]

to do it for her would be wrong. i know that and its not what she or jesus would want. i believe that would actually be disrespectful. It has to be genuine and pure. to do it for her would be kind of like saying well id rather believe then go to hell. its just the wrong motive. i completely understand that.

 

[xrussx]

I also feel last night was a moment of weakness. It scared me when she brought that up last night, but i have more control then i might have made it sound. if she wants to wait to kiss i can do that. as long as i have her close to me, feel her love and am able to show her mine the rest can wait. I have never been driven by physical desire, if there is no love in the intimacy it is empty and i feel no desire for it. By waiting to kiss her i will be showing her how important she is to me... and i kind of like that.

 

[jimmydiggs]

You shouldn't be dating her, and she most definately shouldn't be dating you. She is violating God's commandments by doing so.