Am I doing the right thing as a Christian? I need your wise counsel.

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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#1
#1
Its about my relationship.

Its humiliating to write as I usually ignore & reject men without giving a 2nd thought...I avoided men as agents sent by satan to ruin me.

Now its about the guy who is not serious about the relationship...who caused me stress, hurt & heartache for the past 12 months. I was patient bcoz he was my FRIEND. We started dating last October.

We had problems-his attitude & shadows from his past. I suffered TOO much but remained patient.

He hurt me in Feb saying he couldn't handle anxiety (as he claims). We reconciled but I broke up in March as I was too hurt. He wanted to get back but I was scared. We kept breaking up & getting back almost every other day.

The problem is:

He pushes me away.
Says that he moved on but doesn't allow me to move on. He gets angry & jealous when he senses that I'm going move on.

I WANTED TO GIVE UP ON HIM LONG BACK. I didn't give up as I had to do the RIGHT THING as a Christian.

Is it OK to give up now?
Tired of inconsistency, selfishness & manipulations.
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#2
#2
He is generally good.
As a friend I'm still proud that he has come a long way from his past life.

But why does he hurt me?!
For no fault of mine?
I endured stress which GFs & even wives do not tolerate.

I don't want him back.
I don't yearn for reconciliation.
I wish we remain good friends.

But he makes it real hard.
Why would a man constantly prevent me from moving on after he declares how well he is doing after moving on. I know he just brags.
Why that pride?

He considers it offensive when I try move on. He goes to the extent of taking revenge by destroying little things that I love... removing my Teddy pics and tags on FB. :'( It mind sound funny.
But not to me.

Recently I realized that he won't stop this behavior. He knows what hurts me and uses it to manipulate, threaten & revenge me.

I have been patient.
I love my friend as a friend.
But this is too much.

I'm not materialistic.
I never accepted even letters & cards as it will cost him.
Only things I ever asked was to sleep early & stay in Christ.
 
V

voiceoftheshires

Guest
#3
#3
Matthew 7:5?
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#4
#4
Currently we are not together. I deactivated my FB account to avoid pain. He occasionally says he misses me. I know that he does. But that wouldn't prevent him from killing me in installments by giving tremendous pressure by being so double-minded & selfish. He agrees that he is double minded, selfish & proud and that he is scared of hurting me.

He never had any "normal" GFs before this except for relationship with prost___s & 2 pro GFs in HK.

Its all scary when I think about his past. :'( His lethargy in fleeing before temptation occurs scares me to death. When I was in relationship with him I used to feel like I'm drowning in some filthy lake. Still took the risk.

Typing about this situation gives me heartache. I have decided not to give him any opportunity to hurt by removing all those things I love and shut him out of my life indefinitely.

Is it wrong?
Am I not showing enough love towards a fellow Christian?
But Jude 1 says about helping sinners without getting pulled into their sins.
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#5
#5
It's not right or wrong, Christian or unChristian. It's called defining relationships. This is just part of learning to hear God.

PLease verify your age. If you really are 82, you surely know this. I am answering you as someone much younger.
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#6
#6
kenisyes said:
It's not right or wrong, Christian or unChristian. It's called defining relationships. This is just part of learning to hear God.

PLease verify your age. If you really are 82, you surely know this. I am answering you as someone much younger.
Click to expand...


I'm 32.
Thank you.
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#7
#7
What you are experiencing is normal. It is a necessary part of learning who you are in Christ, and thus what specific kind of love you have to give to your prospective husband (wife). There will be many such false starts. It hurts because your desire to love comes from God, and you are uncertain because you are new as a Christian. Again, it's normal, just give it time. NOthing right or wrong about it.
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#8
#8
Thank you.
Its true. GOD used this situation to teach me few lessons. I praise the Lord for it.

If I were the one who is wrong and impossible to deal with, it would still hurt when people give up on me. I tried to put myself in his shoes and forgave patiently trying to show the courtesy I would expect in that position. I didn't know if its ok to give up.

Moving on is very easy.
The decision is tough though. Totally giving up made me wonder if I tried enough.

Thank you.

ps-I must have entered 1931 instead of 1981 in my date of birth.
 
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starfield

Senior Member
#9
Jun 13, 2009
3,393
58
48
#9
BabyTeddy79 said:
Currently we are not together. I deactivated my FB account to avoid pain. He occasionally says he misses me. I know that he does. But that wouldn't prevent him from killing me in installments by giving tremendous pressure by being so double-minded & selfish. He agrees that he is double minded, selfish & proud and that he is scared of hurting me.

He never had any "normal" GFs before this except for relationship with prost___s & 2 pro GFs in HK.

Its all scary when I think about his past. :'( His lethargy in fleeing before temptation occurs scares me to death. When I was in relationship with him I used to feel like I'm drowning in some filthy lake. Still took the risk.

Typing about this situation gives me heartache. I have decided not to give him any opportunity to hurt by removing all those things I love and shut him out of my life indefinitely.

Is it wrong?
Am I not showing enough love towards a fellow Christian?
But Jude 1 says about helping sinners without getting pulled into their sins.
Click to expand...
I'd say shut him out of your life indefinitely. His behaviour is too toxic and abusive. A defining characteristic of Christians is love and he's not showing that to you. You deserve better treatment.
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#10
#10
voiceoftheshires said:
Matthew 7:5?
Click to expand...

Thank you.
I removed long back.
If I haven't ... I wouldn't have got the strength to persevere. It was tough and I did that by God's grace. God bless.
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#11
#11
starfield said:
I'd say shut him out of your life indefinitely. His behaviour is too toxic and abusive. A defining characteristic of Christians is love and he's not showing that to you. You deserve better treatment.
Click to expand...


Thanks for pointing out on the area where I had doubts. GOD is love. A christian wouldn't do this.

Though there was no physical or verbal abuse, I think it was definitely abusive to be manipulated. Situation was unhealthy. I needed assurance that I'm not doing a wrong thing by giving up.

Thank you.
GOD bless.

ps-
He is not a bad guy. He is not a s__ addict anymore.
He has changed ever since he knew about Christ. I believed he was saved. He is in the process of being saved. I don't want people think he is villainous. He doesn't know about GOD "fully" and when he does, he will be fine.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#12
#12
BabyTeddy79 said:
Its about my relationship.

Its humiliating to write as I usually ignore & reject men without giving a 2nd thought...I avoided men as agents sent by satan to ruin me.

Now its about the guy who is not serious about the relationship...who caused me stress, hurt & heartache for the past 12 months. I was patient bcoz he was my FRIEND. We started dating last October.

We had problems-his attitude & shadows from his past. I suffered TOO much but remained patient.

He hurt me in Feb saying he couldn't handle anxiety (as he claims). We reconciled but I broke up in March as I was too hurt. He wanted to get back but I was scared. We kept breaking up & getting back almost every other day.

The problem is:

He pushes me away.
Says that he moved on but doesn't allow me to move on. He gets angry & jealous when he senses that I'm going move on.

I WANTED TO GIVE UP ON HIM LONG BACK. I didn't give up as I had to do the RIGHT THING as a Christian.

Is it OK to give up now?
Tired of inconsistency, selfishness & manipulations.
Click to expand...
It's pretty obvious to give up. If a relationship isn't working, then move on. There's no special permission needed. You aren't married. And, he's not a friend. Quit calling him that. Friends don't treat you the way he treats you.
Stop worrying about why he does this and just get him out of your life.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#13
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#13
I agree that you should stop all contact with him. It's obviously not possible to remain "friends" for the reasons you stated. He is emotionally still attached to you, and you won't be able to move on unless there is no longer communication between you. Do nothing to encourage communication from him. Friendship isn't an option at this point, in my opinion. Blessings to you.
 
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Stuey

Senior Member
#14
Aug 17, 2009
892
4
18
#14
starfield said:
I'd say shut him out of your life indefinitely. His behaviour is too toxic and abusive. A defining characteristic of Christians is love and he's not showing that to you. You deserve better treatment.
Click to expand...
The way he is acting it would surprise me if he really is dealing with some anxiety issues.

This being said - OP - there are realities you have to deal with and if he can't get past them then it's pointless - and the situation seems to be hurting you.

It could be worth talking to him and being open about things - but don't feel like you owe him anything - he has broken up with you and you with him.
 
S

Stuey

Senior Member
#15
Aug 17, 2009
892
4
18
#15
Actually - thinking about it - and I am hypothesising here based off my own experiences.

He feels something for you - but he isn't sure about it. Thus he wants to get to know you and tries dating - but then feels too much pressure - so breaks up and pushes you away. But he still has feelings for you and isn't sure that you aren't the one for him - so when the prospect of losing you comes up he is terrified.

Hmmm, just some thoughts - may or may not be accurate.


You do need to make sure you protect your heart here though.
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#16
#16
I can move on in no time. The gloomy, crying, heart-broken phase is over. I just didn't know what's the right thing as our common friends tells that we are meant to be together and that they have faith in us. My friends have always told me to run away from him.I never felt so alone and scared in my life. Haven't spent so much time and energy on any guy. So I initially felt too sad and messed up. Its over but I can still feel the pang.Thanks for the advice.It helps me to see from a different view point.
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#17
#17
Stuey said:
The way he is acting it would surprise me if he really is dealing with some anxiety issues. This being said - OP - there are realities you have to deal with and if he can't get past them then it's pointless - and the situation seems to be hurting you. It could be worth talking to him and being open about things - but don't feel like you owe him anything - he has broken up with you and you with him.
Click to expand...
He gets scared when we have to talk.Its weird.When he talks, its all about how he regrets hurting me & misses me... about how GOD wouldn't forgive him.... how he would like to date me... loving my eyes, hair & voice .... how he wants to be with me and how he can't. I get fed up listening to this over & over again.When I take the cue and try to move on decently he gets so offended and goes crazy that I'm not sad. When I'm sad he seems to be contended. I had a choice to do the same- to hurt, to do things that can revenge. I literally controlled myself many many times. :mad:
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#18
#18
Ugly said:
It's pretty obvious to give up. If a relationship isn't working, then move on. There's no special permission needed. You aren't married. And, he's not a friend. Quit calling him that. Friends don't treat you the way he treats you. Stop worrying about why he does this and just get him out of your life.
Click to expand...
I wanted to hear that from someone! I would say the same.Was feeling guilty bcoz of this- Jesus says that GOD hates divorce (except for fornication) and that the law given by Moses allows it as a concession for the hard-hearted wickedness.Is it ok to breakup unless a boyfriend or girlfriend has committed fornication with somebody, thus cheating the person concerned?If a relationship falls apart for reasons other than fornication should the party involved try to work it out.The whole thing is confusing and humiliating. There is so much to life and I had to wonder what I'm supposed to do. I didn't come out as I felt guilty for thinking about giving up.Thank you.It helped.
 
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BabyTeddy79

Guest
#19
#19
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I agree that you should stop all contact with him. It's obviously not possible to remain "friends" for the reasons you stated. He is emotionally still attached to you, and you won't be able to move on unless there is no longer communication between you. Do nothing to encourage communication from him. Friendship isn't an option at this point, in my opinion. Blessings to you.
Click to expand...
Yeah- NO communication. I had no qualms in remaining a friend but when he can't stop hurting me... I have decided to shut him out completely. He had his chances- numerous chances that I gave though I felt like walking into lion's den.I needed outsiders (christians) view to the situation. This post is helping me see the real situation.Thank you.GOD bless you too! :)
 
W

woka

Guest
#20
#20
I want to ask what is it you are hoping to achieve by not giving up? Why does "giving up" or moving on, worry you so much? Is it maybe that you feel like you have failed? Him or yourself?

In my experience we only find it difficult to move on, or give up when we have not reached the point of doing so, when we have the decision comes quite easily, as we have processed and figured that it is the best for ourselves, that we are not getting what we had hoped, that we maybe didn't perceive the relationship to become what it has, this all boils down to our own self esteem and that what we want is important, because the Lord say's we are important. That trying and trying is actually disrespectful to the person we are trying so hard not to hurt and in the process are hurting both them and ourselves.

Just a few thoughts.
 
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