Married but so lonely

[Raven1021]

How does one respond in a Christian marriage to a husband who is so busy with work and his own hobbies that he spends no time with his wife? He says he loves me, wants physical intimacy with me but literally is busy everyday until 10 or 11 at night and there is no time for companionship. If he is home, he is behind a television screen, computer or magazine. He says he is content in our marriage but I am miserable and seriously being tempted to seek companionship outside of the marriage. I have told him how I feel but he does nothing different. We have gone to a marriage intensive, counseling, etc and he changes for a brief period but then goes back to his solitary lifestyle. He lives as if he is single. He takes trips alone, spends the weekend alone. I don't believe he is having an affair. He just dislikes being with anyone. He is very socially awkward and prefers his own company. Does God expect me to live in this? I know the answer but I need some practical ways to deal with this. Thank you!

 

[HyrulianHeroine]

Have you voiced your concerns at all?

 

[Raven1021]

As I said above, yes I have told him. I have even told him I am tempted to have an affair. It has been discussed at the marriage intensive, in counseling. He is very aware of my feelings.

 

[HyrulianHeroine]

As I said above, yes I have told him. I have even told him I am tempted to have an affair. It has been discussed at the marriage intensive, in counseling. He is very aware of my feelings.

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Trust me i have been exactly where you are and the last thing you want on your mind is the temptation of an affair. If he keeps going this route, and you keep thinking this way, Someone will come your way, and an affair will happen. That is something you must clear your mind of right away. [/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]What things have you already tried actively yourself to get him to spend more time with you?[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Example, my problem with my husband was also isolation and intimacy I felt he wasn't really there and i was NEVER in the mood for him due to the fact the romance was just gone. Men suck at this kind of thing, Sometimes you need to be the bigger one and though things cannot all be done by you, sometimes it takes you yourself to get the ball rolling and make ways for him to take your lead.

Before i start listing ideas of my own as i asked before, what things besides counseling have you already done and said in your home to make a change in your marriage?[/FONT]

 

[logan777x]

Hello Married and so lonely,
I can relate to what you are going through I am married and my wife and I are having a very difficult time right now. Fortunately I have been down this road with her many times and I see all things coming from God and trust that He will turn all things to good. Although she has issues with anger, bitterness, and disassociation with me she has an against personality so she is not supportive very often, and sees me as an obstacle for some reason. I have learned to be content though knowing that God will see me through no matter what. I have come to a point of great peace through this process and I know He will do the same for you if you trust Him. I know how painful the loneliness, and isolation can be, but it has brought me to a deeper relationship to Him. He has this peace for you, as well ,and I can guarantee you will find it no where else. I pray you will allow Him to grow closer to you because when that relationship is correct all the other ones will fall into place on God's timing.

 

[Raven1021]

We have been to a week long couples intensive with counselors from National Institute for Marriage, we have attended a private christian counselor off and on for over five years. I have prayed and tried to do everything I can think of to make our home a pleasant place. I am at the end of my rope. I do not want to live as if I am single but he does. I have never denied him physical intimacy even when I do not feel close to him. I am tired of being alone every night and every weekend. I feel I have gone more than half way...more like 90% of the way to meet him and take the brunt of the responsibility for the marriage but even that does nothing. This is a man who I believe only wants to be married so he does not commit sexual sin. He is very legalistic and rigid in his beliefs. But they are words not actions.

 

[Raven1021]

Thank you. I do appreciate your prayers logan777x. I hope God does bring me to that place as well.

 

[HyrulianHeroine]

I'm logging off soon so a few tips, take the initiative. If you’re lonely, chances are your partner is lonely too. But they too are probably trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and they too feel helpless to break it. Try to initiate conversations that are not about transactional details. Ask them for their views about something they care about and Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away, as habits take time to change, but after a few gestures of good-will they will likely return the favor.
If your hubby is in the other room watching their favorite show, sit next to them (at the start of the show) and just give it a try, talk about it together. Show a common interest, No doubt they will be either confused, suspicious or both but just be sincere and try to see the show through their eyes (even if it’s not your thing). After the show, tell them what aspects of the show you appreciated (even if the show was horrific—find something!).
You can also suggest certain activities that require little effort ,which will minimize objections, such as walks around the block or in the park, cooking a meal together, watching your wedding video or your children’s wedding video (reminding yourselves of more connected times), organizing a photo album together or some couples activities in your area. Try meetup.com.
[FONT=Arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The longer we’re married the more we tend to assume we know what the other person is thinking. But research clearly indicates this is not so. Figuring out another person’s perspective, Is a thought exercise and not one we can skip. We actually have to close our eyes and focus for a few minutes (not seconds, minutes) on the other person’s perspective; imagine their world and their point of view within it. Gaining a greater [/FONT]understanding[FONT=Arial, helvetica, sans-serif] of your partner’s thoughts and feelings will allow you to express more sympathy and understanding toward them which in turn, will deepen your mutual bond.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Engage yourself in things that he likes and things he tends to imers himself in every day. Thing is you want what you want and he wants what he wants. Neither of you seem willing to take the jump into each others worlds and immerse yourselves in each other as you would when you first met. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I know its a little corny and over played but try the love dare together. Not just you and not just him, but sit him down and ask him to do it with you. Read each scripture together and challenge, take the challenge then have an open discussion at the end of the day.

[/FONT]The Love Dare Book, FIREPROOF the Movie, Marriage Inspiration Resource

On a side note, I know we all have that strong belief of needing to stay in a marriage for our spirituality and needing to hold onto God for things to be fixed, but after trying these suggestions and some active pushes. If you truly feel he is not in it for the right reasons, not truly in love with you, only with you to not commit sexual sin, then honestly in my opinion nothing could make me stay with someone for the rest of my life that truly does not want to be with me, and is not willing to take steps to make a marriage what it should be. No marriage is perfect, but no marriage should be as if each party is single either.

Along with the above, im sure one of your counselors have done this with you as there have been tons of them and sessions, sitting you both down and having you cut out things that don't need to be there. I can here you are willing, but what has his response been to you telling him to stay home with you instead or come out with you instead? Not even stopping his interest but just putting slot more you into his travel.

God bless and I pray everything works out for your marriage. Good luck to you either way. Remember prayer is not much without works. Not the works of others, but your own as well as the Lords. I'm sure he's doing his part, as should you.

 

[chatter23]

How does one respond in a Christian marriage to a husband who is so busy with work and his own hobbies that he spends no time with his wife? He says he loves me, wants physical intimacy with me but literally is busy everyday until 10 or 11 at night and there is no time for companionship. If he is home, he is behind a television screen, computer or magazine. He says he is content in our marriage but I am miserable and seriously being tempted to seek companionship outside of the marriage. I have told him how I feel but he does nothing different. We have gone to a marriage intensive, counseling, etc and he changes for a brief period but then goes back to his solitary lifestyle. He lives as if he is single. He takes trips alone, spends the weekend alone. I don't believe he is having an affair. He just dislikes being with anyone. He is very socially awkward and prefers his own company. Does God expect me to live in this? I know the answer but I need some practical ways to deal with this. Thank you!

Your husband has a mind of his own,
He sounds like a pretty steady provider for you.
Be thankful for what you have.
You need to grow up.

 

[Raven1021]

I truly appreciate all of your suggestions and honestly, I have done all the things you have suggested. I have asked for him to look at the Love Dare with me. He scoffed at it. I tried it alone to no avail. I have immersed myself in his interests, his career, his world and he takes and never gives. I feel very discouraged as I have prayed for over nine years for things to change, for God to change my heart, change his, heal our marriage and still he is as cold as he was nine years ago and as much committed to his single lifestyle as he ever was. I need prayer for God to give me wisdom. Thank you again for your suggestions, I truly appreciate you taking the time to share them. I wish there was something else, some magic formula that I have not tried but I'm exhausted. God give me wisdom.

 

[Raven1021]

Wow..thanks for your encouragement. This is the reason I don't go places like this for support. There is always someone like you to kick others when they are down.

 

[chatter23]

Wow..thanks for your encouragement. This is the reason I don't go places like this for support. There is always someone like you to kick others when they are down.

Your welcome!

 

[Musicalblood]

Ignore negative people fill your heart with God's love. Possibly start a new activity to keep your mind busy. Allow him to be alone for a bit you may find you're happier and in that the marriage maybe happier to. Also time apart and you being the one choosing to do things on your own he may realize he wants more companionship.

 

[Kerry]

As I have said to many please get this book. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]The Five Love Languages[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Its available at Gospel publinghouse.com. If you apply that book you will have a happy marriage. Unless you are addicted to strange.[/FONT]

 

[JoyofLord]

Hi Raven

I am sorry to hear you are going through this time. I know a lot of other ladies who are going through this as well and who are very unhappy. It sounds like you have really been trying that is so good. There are some great teachings on MarsVenus.com - John Gray - Relationship and Health Advice men are from mars women are from venus. My friend has been listening to these teachings and she has realised everything she has been doing has been wrong with regards to communicating how she feels to her husband and it has actually pushed him away further into his cave so to speak. She has been listening to these teachings and has been able to communicate differently with her husband after following John Gray's advice and things have changed very quickly in their relationship. He has been responding more loving towards her and in the way she desires. Maybe this could really help you too bless you and love Joy

 

[KJV15John11]

Have you considered that he hasn't changed because he hasn't needed to. If all of his needs are being fulfilled, he won't see the necessity to work with you on having an equally rewarding marriage. As a man, I can't believe I'm telling you this but CUT HIM OFF. Intimacy is a joining of two people to share a closeness created by respect and complete openness. It sounds more like it has become a physical act for him and an obligation to you.

If he leaves you alone, then go out with other Christian women and enjoy yourself. When I attended a Christian singles group, it amazed me how the women would come together and support each other, filling the roles left vacant by their husbands, either by death or divorce. They worked as a group to tackle all home and yard repairs, scheduled routine activities, and encouraged each other in their separate daily lives. As a married woman, I'm sure that you could find other wives who are in need of what you yourself are looking for. In this way, you will have a support group to help you through the difficult times.

If you aren't around as much at your husband's beck and call, he will get a true sense of being alone which he seems to prefer. If after some time has past, and he still does not feel the need to change, then you really don't have a marriage then. God didn't create marriage to be an excuse for selfishness of one partner at the expense of the other. Don't allow your husband to hold "divorce is against God's will" over your head. That is mental and spiritual abuse.

If he continues to not fulfill his commitments to you, and not love you as Jesus loves the church, then I would suggest taking it to your pastor and having the men of your church step in. There are many ways that we are called to help keep each other accountable, and honoring and loving your wife is definitely one. This will bring the problem to light, and will keep him from being able to ignore the truths of your relationship.

My heart goes out to you and you don't have an easy road ahead of you. Avoid temptation at all cost, seek comfort in appropriate ways. Whatever the future holds, God is with you and will help you through it. Above all, be kind to yourself.

 

[sunnysky31]

Raven,

First let me say that I am sorry that you are having to deal with this, and to IGNORE ANY negative comments here.

I was preparing to respond with my thoughts and read KJV15John11's response which is basically what I was going to type. I actually hate to say it in a way, but cutting your husband off may do some good.

Most men actually have no reason to change if their needs are being fulfilled. If you cut him off from some of those everyday needs that you have been providing him with, then he may wake up a little. You have to regain some of the control here...

In marriages, space in needed to remind each other why they fell in love in the first place. If he is so focused on being alone, show him that you CAN do some things alone too. Go out with the ladies, have lunch, do things on your own. Get together with ladies groups at church like KJV15John stated as an example above. Transfer some of the energy you are using to worry OVER your marriage onto something else. Don't throw it in his face, but show him your backbone. It may renew his love for you altogether, sparking up his fire for you that he had in the beginning. Remember, men like to see us women with a LITTLE backbone sometimes. They grow tired of the woman who babies them constantly because she has no fire, but they don't want the total witch. Make sense?

I also agree with KJV15John in the fact that if this does continue after trying that, the best thing to do would be to have some men from your church step in.

I am praying that God touches your relationship. I know this is hard for you because I've been right there sister, but I know that He will bless you through it.

*Big Hugs*

Sunny

 

[Relena7]

Your welcome!

That was so not necessary. Having needs in a marriage has nothing to do with needed to "grow up". It just means you are human.

 

[Elizabeth78]

Much love to you Raven, ignore the nasty people. Praying for you. I think it's virtually been written above, I'd cut your husband off.

 

[RedTent]

I am in the same kind of spot, for a very different reason. I got ELDERLY!! You know, eyes don't work, hearing doesn't, can't drive, walk slow, more not done than done of my work, OLD!! My dear friends died. And if my family was Amish, I would say they have put me in shunning. So I have a lot of fear to manage, too. I have only dial a ride to get groceries, etc.

I think when we have to live with a tough situation, God expects certain things from us with our coping. We are to love the people around us, and not judge them. Sometimes I think it would be nice to just let them have a piece of my judgmental mind about not supporting me, I took care of them!!! And besides that doesn't work, God says no.

For me, my coping means lots of scripture, even talking out loud to the Lord, finding the things to be thankful for, looking at any way I can make this situation better, and opening my eyes to blessings that come my way.

I've been studying Daniel. When God sent his people to Babylon, God told the people to make the best of it there even if they didn't like it and He would see to it they prospered. Daniel certainly did that while he stayed true to his Lord in a godless land, and he prospered so well he got to be second to the king in Babylon! When we can't fix a situation, we are to make the best of it.

If this is the way your husband chooses to live and you have done all you could about it, what more is there except to find ways to live your life with as much of God's joy and contentment as you can manage. Even if he is unable to do what pleases you and make you feel loved, you can search and find ways to please him and make him feel loved.