17 years in marriage, loss of sexual interest

[HIVLTG]

My wife and I got married when we both were 20. We are now 37, and I have lost sexual interest for my wife. I can't stop admiring young female body and not only am not sexually aroused by my wife (after she had 2 children and gained body width and 20 pounds of weight since we met), but I am disaroused of physical contact with her. She wants/needs sex, I do too, but it's not working. Anyhow with similar experience? How did you deal with it?

 

[Misty77]

Sex is the physical manifestation of the live you have for your wife. Bodies are just temporal shells: what really matters is a person's character. By getting hung up on NORMAL physical changes, you are objectifying your wife. You have rejected her personhood and reduced her down to a THING--just the sum of her parts. She is a daughter of God, not a tool for your personal sexual lusts. If you love her, then you love all of her. And remember that her body changed because of bearing YOUR children after having sex with YOU.

Make sure you are not feeding your mind with images or lies of what a wife OUGHT to be or OUGHT to look like. Love the woman you married. It is a command from God for you to fulfill the covenant that YOU made with her. It is your duty, and frankly your feelings about it are irrelevant because they change neither your reality nor your responsibility.

 

[Angela53510]

This post really upset me. Is your wife nothing more than a body? Is a relationship only about sex with the ideal model?

I gained a lot of weight when I got sick, but my husband still loved me and cared for me. It sounds like you are just looking for an excuse to walk out on your wife. And then the next woman, when she ages and loses her youthful body.

You are being selfish and self-centered. Think about what you can do for your wife. Take her out for dinner. Bring her presents. Romance her. Start remembering about the commitment you made for better or for worse.

I really am shocked when I read this kind of post. Are you a Christian? Because a real Christian man would always look for the good and find ways to love his wife.

If you are not a Christian, then you need to check out the claims of Christ on your life. I have been married for 33 years, with ups and downs, and 4 children. We have sometimes stayed together because of our promise to each other, but mostly because we love each other. And that does not mean sex, it means everything!!

Read 1 Cor. 13. It sounds to me like you need to lose the shallow, sexual selfishness and man up and love your wife the way she deserves to be loved.

 

[starfield]

My wife and I got married when we both were 20. We are now 37, and I have lost sexual interest for my wife. I can't stop admiring young female body and not only am not sexually aroused by my wife (after she had 2 children and gained body width and 20 pounds of weight since we met), but I am disaroused of physical contact with her. She wants/needs sex, I do too, but it's not working. Anyhow with similar experience? How did you deal with it?

I hope you're not ogling other women because that would be disrespectful and emotional adultery. Pregnancy causes many changes to the body. There's no way she can look as she was in her 20's; if it's not weight gain it will eventually be grey hairs, wrinkles, and cellulite. Does this mean you would lose interest in her? Your wife needs is your love and encouragement.

 

[notuptome]

God gives men a command in Eph to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Just because you got married 17 years ago does not mean that you have learned to love your wife. If you cannot love your wife you cannot love yourself. It grieves me to hear someone whine about sex like sex is love. Learn to love Christ by humbling yourself before Christ. Then you can begin to love your wife whom God gave to you.

It is a wicked thing to lust after young women. It is a road that leads to much hardship and painful loss. You cannot afford to travel that road. The price is way higher than you can imagine. Do not sacrifice the great joy God has in mind for you for a moments physical pleasure. It is a foolish exchange that the evil one is offering you. You can only loose the things that are most precious in life.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[RedTent]

I keep hearing from people that they are helpless in the face of what their minds are doing to them. That is not what God says. Scripture says we are to renew our minds. Scripture tells us to keep our minds on certain things that it lists in Phil. 4:8 when it tells us to think about things that are true and excellent. We are told to put on fruits of the spirit, and we are told what to stay away from. Yet so many people say it doesn't work, that things that are not of God are what they stay with in their minds.

I don't believe we are helpless in the face of untrue and damaging thoughts! I think it is up to you to go to scripture for the truth about your marriage and your wife, and the truth doesn't lie only with the twenty pounds she gained as the determining factor of your life!

 

[NewWine]

I have been married over 20 years, and the single thing I have learned is that loving another person is a choice we make. it's an action, not a feeling. Feelings are fleeting, but God IS love, and we have to choose God, so we have to choose to love. God is not fleeting. Learn how to love your wife, not in spite of the faults she has in YOUR eyes. Love her because those differences are partly what makes her the amazing woman you CHOSE to love.
One way to do this is to remember the triangle. God should be at the top of the love triangle. The closer each person gets to God, the closer they get to each other naturally. Let God teach you how to love. It's the only way you will learn to love your wife in the same way that Christ loves His Church-unconditionally. God designed marriage in a way to benefit both people. Have you considered discussing this with your family doctor? Perhaps you're blaming changes in your wife's body for a lack of some vitamin or whatever that your body needs to function at prime. Or perhaps there is a deeper issue emotionally, the two of you need to discuss either with each other, or with a Christian pastor or therapist? I cannot say, because I am not part of your relationship, but I do know the answer is there, and will be found in love, not in anger or disgust.
Be blessed

 

[secularhermit]

Respecfully!: (Have you gone to any doctor?)
A
fter one or two years that happens. At my age you begin to loose some interest on older ones, but youth are not for men our age... Someone I know use pills and a fat woman "loves" him more than those he likes (these come to pick money, same way he likes to find "emotions" instead of love).

I spent 13 years with one wife I liked to the moment I was disgusted for her ways (I'm not saying I am innnocent) but both have to sort this out, if respecfully allow to say these words.

 

[Dove7]

I find it really sad seeing the men who relate to this post. Were forgetting that men age with women, so the expectation that the woman should stay young forever is ridiculous because guess what, you're ageing too. Seriously I'm young and it saddens me to think in 20 or 30 years time when I start to age my husband will have similar views. In that case, id rather live at home with my cats.

 

[Relena7]

I find it really sad seeing the men who relate to this post. Were forgetting that men age with women, so the expectation that the woman should stay young forever is ridiculous because guess what, you're ageing too. Seriously I'm young and it saddens me to think in 20 or 30 years time when I start to age my husband will have similar views. In that case, id rather live at home with my cats.

Not all men feel unattracted to women as they age. A lot of guys are not bothered by a little extra weight or a bit of cellulite. Many see it as no big deal. Those who express loss of interest in their wife if she gained weight do not speak for the entire male population.

 

[Dove7]

Not all men feel unattracted to women as they age. A lot of guys are not bothered by a little extra weight or a bit of cellulite. Many see it as no big deal. Those who express loss of interest in their wife if she gained weight do not speak for the entire male population.

You're right. Just the thought that it does seem to be getting more common now is a little saddening. But you are right

 

[Ariel82]

makes me wondering if the guy is trolling?

 

[Stephen63]

"A" & "B" have been married for 17 years

B no longer feels desire for A 'cause B is losing his pheromone production & so is A, stemming from age & using certain plastics that speed this up.

B is going thru a premature mid life crisis & doesn't know it.

B thinks there's physically nothing wrong with him 'cause he still thinks like a man & still receive "signals" from younger women who are still producing high levels of pheromones. (This is what causes the mid life crisis)

B blames A for weight gain & A's feelings are hurt & blames herself.

What should B do?
1. Find a younger woman & move in with her, only to find out within a few months that she no longer thrills him either(typical), & then runs back to A & begs forgiveness, only to find out it's too late & the marriage is destroyed.
2. Go to a doctor & discover the truth..... men go thru a "type" of "change of life" similar to women.
3. Go to marriage counselling to be prepared for the changes that are ahead.
4. Both 2 & 3. (choose this one )

 

[J-Kay-2]

Jesus said if a man looks upon a woman with lust, he has already
committed adultery.

My thought is, where does he work ? What type women is he around
all day? Don't forget women don't care if a man is married, and likes
to flirt and it is a challenge to take him away from his wife and family.

That does not give him the excuse to turn away from his wife. But,
giving him the benefit of the doubt. I like what all said to him.

When a man leaves his wife for that 'pretty little thing' here is what
will happen. He will possibly catch a disease and give it to his wife.
Should he decide he wants the other woman, he does not realize
when she gets up in the morning, she is going to look like his wife.
She will need to bathe, dress for work, and put on make up.
(He is forgetting wife has 2 young children to care for.) If he
gives her enough time, the kids will be self reliant and she will be
able to fix herself up to keep him happy.

So, the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence is it ?
Please remember the wife and children are number one in your
life. Would you want her to try to struggle to make ends meet
and feed these children ? Please consider getting help, as was
suggested by others here.

Hoping and praying you can work through this. I find when
thoughts come to mind that are not Christ like, I ask Jesus to
go to the door of my mind. It chases away the enemy of our soul.

 

[Fenner]

I feel bad for your wife. Will pray for you and her. God Bless.

 

[Fenner]

I think you should consider counseling. It's not just up to your wife to make things work, take her out, date her, talk to her. Work at it. Remember your vows and that things could be a lot worse then 20 pounds. One of you could get cancer or some other disease. Maybe you'll lose all of your hair, do you want your wife to look differently at you? What physical changes have you gone through yourself? You might like younger women but do you have anything in common with them? If you approach a 20 year old woman she might just think you're a creeper.

I'm not trying to be nasty, just think, and try don't give up on your marriage.

 

[J-Kay-2]

I feel bad for your wife. Will pray for you and her. God Bless.

Fenner I feel badly for her too. Wonder if she knows how he feels ?
However, I don't know what to think about him. There used to be a
saying a man gets the 7 year itch... meaning they begin to get bored
and looking at other women. Now if a man is still married 7 years it
is a miracle.
I wonder, is he really struggling ? Or is he wanting an excuse to leave?
I feel sorry for him for the reasons I brought up, and had he said it is
temptation, then it would say.... I need help. If he is wanting an excuse
to leave he would not have come here to admit it, would he ?
I am in agreement with you Fenner.... Prayers are truly needed. There
are 2 children in this equation. Man must put Jesus first .... and we may
pray he falls in love with his 'own' wife again.

 

[Ugly]

Seems to me he is aware there's a problem and has come seeking advice on how to handle it. I'm not sure this defensive , attacking position is really what he needs when he's asking for help.

Seems mostly all i'm seeing is women complaining at him. And, in some cases, complaining about men in general. What about reading what he said, not reading what you Think he's saying based off your own insecurities? This man came asking for help and all he's found so far is women putting him down. How is calling him names and man bashing giving him the advice he came asking for?

 

[chatter23]

Sex is the physical manifestation of the live you have for your wife. Bodies are just temporal shells: what really matters is a person's character. By getting hung up on NORMAL physical changes, you are objectifying your wife. You have rejected her personhood and reduced her down to a THING--just the sum of her parts. She is a daughter of God, not a tool for your personal sexual lusts. If you love her, then you love all of her. And remember that her body changed because of bearing YOUR children after having sex with YOU.

Make sure you are not feeding your mind with images or lies of what a wife OUGHT to be or OUGHT to look like. Love the woman you married. It is a command from God for you to fulfill the covenant that YOU made with her. It is your duty, and frankly your feelings about it are irrelevant because they change neither your reality nor your responsibility.

How to deal with it?
Become a real man, I think it Is the lust you miss. lust is causing you to look outside of your marriage.
Be thankful for what you have and you will become a man one day.

You don't know what love is.

 

[Fenner]

Fenner I feel badly for her too. Wonder if she knows how he feels ?
However, I don't know what to think about him. There used to be a
saying a man gets the 7 year itch... meaning they begin to get bored
and looking at other women. Now if a man is still married 7 years it
is a miracle.
I wonder, is he really struggling ? Or is he wanting an excuse to leave?
I feel sorry for him for the reasons I brought up, and had he said it is
temptation, then it would say.... I need help. If he is wanting an excuse
to leave he would not have come here to admit it, would he ?
I am in agreement with you Fenner.... Prayers are truly needed. There
are 2 children in this equation. Man must put Jesus first .... and we may
pray he falls in love with his 'own' wife again.

My prayers are with them too and I hope I didn't come off as nasty or negative. I recommended counseling in my next post. I feel for his wife because I'm not as thin as I was when I got married either. Of course i'm insecure about that and i'm sure his wife is too. It's hard we live in a society where Victoria's Secret has a fashion show during prime time hours. That bothers me. My old boss used to watch it with his wife. I found that disturbing. He would tell her who he thought was hot and who he didn't find so attractive. Is that quality time?

My old boss has nothing to do with this man's problem, but my goodness, can you imagine? Oh well I do hope the O/P and his wife work things out and have a long happy marriage.