Single Mom Raising 14 Year Old

[BibleGirl]

Hello. I am writing to hopefully get some advice with my daughter. She is 14.
I will start with a little background info: I have been raising her on my own her whole life. She always was so affectionate and clingy with me. Her Dad lives out of state and she doesn't see him very much. I'm not married and don't even date. Everything I do I do for her and always have her best interest in mind. She has a good knowledge of God, she's gone on retreats and attends youth group.
Starting at age 11 I saw her attitude change. She got mouthier, she started hitting me back if I tried to spank her
Fast forward to now. She does everything the opposite of what I want. From her hair, the way she dresses, the music he listens to. She wants nothing to do with me unless she wants something from me like money. I have hard time even asking her 1 question without her screaming at me. I walk in her room 1 time and she screams and tells me that I'm "always" in her room. In the car She changes my Christian station to more "hip music" . Her zeal for God has dramatically dropped in the last year. However she continues to attend youth group PRAISE GOD.
she does receive punishment when she disrespects me or refuses to do her chores. When I take things away she tells me she "doesn't care". She has played soccer since she was 6 and just this last month she informed me she doesn't want to play ANY SPORTS. This hurts me because I pride myself on being active and healthy and again she wants to do everything opposite than me. I think she should do some type of sport or extracurricular activity but she ones not want to. She wants to sit in her room and obsess over boy bands and people with purple hai and piercings- again so opposite of me.
I've reached out to my church but I only received 2 sessions with the youth pastor and he wasn't very helpful. There wasn't a follow up- that's a whole other story- pretty discouraged by my church right now.
i want to know if this is normal behavior? None of my friends have these types of problems with their daughters. I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Any advice?

 

[Ugly]

This is the scary part of parenting. When the child grows up and wants to assert their independence and grow into their own person. Not a young version of their parents. They are trying to find themselves and discover the world around them. And the only way they often know how to do this is by rebelling against what they grew up with. How can you find your own personal identity mired in the priorities of another?
So now comes the tricky balance of asserting yourself as a parent and trying to figure out how much room is too much so she doesn't go overboard. Continue the punishment for disrespect. Though hopefully you have given up spanking by now. Just keep in mind, if she's rebelling against you, the more you push your priorities the more she will fight you. And that can lead to resentment as they get older.
I'd say be yourself, keep your priorities in order. And don't waver from them. But don't push them on her either. And recognize that she also has the hormones running wild. Insecurities kicking in. A desire to fit in. Etc... it's a lot for kids to go through. So try to be patient. And do your best not to take everything as a personal attack or insult against you. Don't let yourself be hurt. But rather recognize it as her going through her own struggles, and as with most people, when you're having a hard time its easy to lash out at those closest to you. Its wrong, yes, but it happens nonetheless.
Most kids, especially if they have a good foundation being raised, will grow out of these things. It will take time. Years. But if you stay patient, loving and firm without being demanding and give her some room to find her own identity and make her own mistakes (within reason) then as those hormones subside, the identity starts to take shape and the upbringing kicks back in she will go back to be an easy person to get along with.
Also, keep encouraging her. She may rebel on the outside, but on the inside she is still a scared little girl that needs reassurance that she is beautiful, intelligent and special and that you still love her.
It also may help if you can seek out a male in her life as a stand in. Or maybe even married couple. That way you could all go out as a group and have the husband as a bit of a stand in dad to her. This is great if they have kids of their own.

Anyways. These are some tips i hope you find useful.

 

[maxwel]

If your church and youth group weren't able to help you, and barely even tried...
then I'd recommend a new church and a new youth group.

There are things you can do, but you need some help, and encouragement, and fellowship.

Ugly gave a lot of good information. My tip would be that you shouldn't try to go through this alone. Get some counseling, for you and your daughter, and get help from other Christians that are willing to help.

 

[Eva1218]

Best advice I can give as a mother of 3 children ages 28, 26 and 20 is acknowledge her wrong doing but don't give it too much attention when a child who is rebelling knows what rubs you the wrong way they will continue to do so. Talk with her out of love don't beat her up about it these are the hard times for her maturing trying to find herself and fit in with others. Keep an open communication with her set rules and make sure they are done never ever give in stand your ground if you say no to something no matter her temper your answer is no and if you say yes stick to it. Children need rules and guidance she may hate you now but she will thank you later. Allow her to express her feelings even if it drives you crazy when she no longer gets the negative response from you it will make her wonder why, and all the time pray for her ask GOD to speak to her, give her direction, protect her from wrong choices and forgive her for rebelling. We also must allow our children to go through whatever they must to grow, mature in order to help another. Keep in mind she has her own road to travel on and yes she has to make mistakes just be there to talk, love and be the shoulder to lean on not the one pointing the finger saying I told you so but the one saying things will be just fine and I'm here with you.

Blessings :")

 

[Angela53510]

God was good to me and gave me a daughter that practically raised herself and helped me change in many ways. Because I was that wild teenage girl, fighting back against my parents. No, I was not a Christian in my teens, and I know that was the cause of many of my problems.

Looking back, I always wonder what my parents could have done differently. Letting me go to church in my teens would be number one. But also, not getting so angry at my questions and not being so controlling.

You have invested a lot in your daughter, but she is growing up. Spanking an 11 year old is far too late (I do believe in spanking, depending on the child, but only till age 5 or 6). She might have a lot of resentment that you put your life into her instead of your own interests, as counterintuitive as that sounds. She might feel trapped by your possessiveness. Find some interests of your own. You will need them when she decides to move out. (Trust me on that one!)

You need to pray for her, love her, and try and back off with the control. Let her make her own decisions, as long as they will not harm her.

And hormones!! Yikes that is the nightmare of being a teenager! I would not exchange my hurting body for being a teenager with raging hormones. Ugly called that one right!

She may be missing having a father in her life, in spite of all the good things you have done for her. Maybe connecting her with him would be something to calm her down, even if he is not really a good person. Because she will see the contrast between him and you.

Praying you can work through this. My final advice is don't ever give up on her! When I ran away from home at 17, my parents just basically let me go, and I lived some very horrible years. When I became a Christian many years later, I opened up to them and eventually led them to the Lord, my father only months before he died. You have the advantage of being a Christian, so let God be in control, and he will see you through this difficult time.

 

[kim12345]

Angela, I agree on this one


Angela wrote some excellent advice in my opinion. The spanking really should have stopped long before 11. Thats too old. Definetly give her some space. I hope you always knock on her door before you go in???? Let her listen to her music and dont critize it. Unless of course it is vulgar etc. And Yes get a hobby. I commend you though Bible Girl You were Very very very wise not to remarry while raising her. The whole step family dynamic is horrible. So keep up the good work whe will turn out fine. God bless

God was good to me and gave me a daughter that practically raised herself and helped me change in many ways. Because I was that wild teenage girl, fighting back against my parents. No, I was not a Christian in my teens, and I know that was the cause of many of my problems.

Looking back, I always wonder what my parents could have done differently. Letting me go to church in my teens would be number one. But also, not getting so angry at my questions and not being so controlling.

You have invested a lot in your daughter, but she is growing up. Spanking an 11 year old is far too late (I do believe in spanking, depending on the child, but only till age 5 or 6). She might have a lot of resentment that you put your life into her instead of your own interests, as counterintuitive as that sounds. She might feel trapped by your possessiveness. Find some interests of your own. You will need them when she decides to move out. (Trust me on that one!)

You need to pray for her, love her, and try and back off with the control. Let her make her own decisions, as long as they will not harm her.

And hormones!! Yikes that is the nightmare of being a teenager! I would not exchange my hurting body for being a teenager with raging hormones. Ugly called that one right!

She may be missing having a father in her life, in spite of all the good things you have done for her. Maybe connecting her with him would be something to calm her down, even if he is not really a good person. Because she will see the contrast between him and you.

Praying you can work through this. My final advice is don't ever give up on her! When I ran away from home at 17, my parents just basically let me go, and I lived some very horrible years. When I became a Christian many years later, I opened up to them and eventually led them to the Lord, my father only months before he died. You have the advantage of being a Christian, so let God be in control, and he will see you through this difficult time.

 

[chatter23]

Hello. I am writing to hopefully get some advice with my daughter. She is 14.
I will start with a little background info: I have been raising her on my own her whole life. She always was so affectionate and clingy with me. Her Dad lives out of state and she doesn't see him very much. I'm not married and don't even date. Everything I do I do for her and always have her best interest in mind. She has a good knowledge of God, she's gone on retreats and attends youth group.
Starting at age 11 I saw her attitude change. She got mouthier, she started hitting me back if I tried to spank her
Fast forward to now. She does everything the opposite of what I want. From her hair, the way she dresses, the music he listens to. She wants nothing to do with me unless she wants something from me like money. I have hard time even asking her 1 question without her screaming at me. I walk in her room 1 time and she screams and tells me that I'm "always" in her room. In the car She changes my Christian station to more "hip music" . Her zeal for God has dramatically dropped in the last year. However she continues to attend youth group PRAISE GOD.
she does receive punishment when she disrespects me or refuses to do her chores. When I take things away she tells me she "doesn't care". She has played soccer since she was 6 and just this last month she informed me she doesn't want to play ANY SPORTS. This hurts me because I pride myself on being active and healthy and again she wants to do everything opposite than me. I think she should do some type of sport or extracurricular activity but she ones not want to. She wants to sit in her room and obsess over boy bands and people with purple hai and piercings- again so opposite of me.
I've reached out to my church but I only received 2 sessions with the youth pastor and he wasn't very helpful. There wasn't a follow up- that's a whole other story- pretty discouraged by my church right now.
i want to know if this is normal behavior? None of my friends have these types of problems with their daughters. I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Any advice?

She is going through puberty, she doesn't want to be coddled anymore, she wants to be herself and it will take time as she will be going through many stages. It doesn't mean she is a bad girl, she feels the need for freedom from being cared for, she feels confident in herself.
This is not a bad thing. You know that song "I wanna be me". I want my own personality, not what others think I should be.

It's not your pride, it's not your wants, she sounds like a bright person. She won't be a copy of anyone else or a people pleaser.
Leave her alone, stop trying to mold her the way you want.
God doesn't do that, He wants us to be free of depending on others, He wants us to be independent. Did you do everything your mother wanted you to be?

The more you push the harder she will fight you.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I have a 14 year old daughter as well, who is passionate and feisty herself. Puberty and hormones, as mentioned, play a big factor at this age. But also... our parenting styles have to change as they become teenagers. In their younger years, parents serve as... well... PARENTS. But as they become teens, our roles morph somewhat into more of a "coaching" position. Coming alongside them, encouraging them, but also letting them make some of their own decisions and mistakes. As they reach adulthood, that role will change again, into one of friendship. Isn't parenting amazing?

My advice is to pick your battles. In 10 years, will it matter if she listened to music you don't care for, or quit playing sports? She MAY not be doing these things to hurt you. She may just being reaching out to see what her own preferences are, and they are different than yours. Try to relax a bit, and see if she doesn't draw closer to you once she feels that you respect her choices in some of these areas.

Respect is another matter entirely. I think I'd sit her down and have a real heart-to-heart conversation with her about this. Open YOURSELF up to her, let her know that you really want the two of you to be closer, and ask her what you can do to help that. Tell her that you want to respect her choices (as long as they are acceptable) in clothing, music, etc, and in return you need for her to treat you in a respectful manner. If she feels that you really are trying to bridge the gap, perhaps she will be open to repairing the relationship with you.

It's never as easy as just taking advice and having everything turn out great. Not with teenagers! And I feel your aloneness... raising her by yourself. There's no one else who loves her like you do, to ask "what do I do?!?". I feel that way myself with my girls. But I'm so glad you came here and asked us.

As for other girls not being this way... a lot of it is just personality. I have two daughters. One is laid-back, calm, never rocks the boat... she practically raised herself. The other is high-strung, but she loves fiercely and has a passion for life that I wouldn't trade for anything. They are night and day. And night and day are equally precious in this world.

 

[Agricola]

been there done it got the T shirt and still suffering!

I am also a single parent having raised 2 children. for past 9 years I have just lived with my daughter and what you have described is exactly what has gone on with my daughter, and still does.

My advice may not be what you want to hear, but it is a simple truth. Just let her get on with it. As parents we can guide our children, but at the end of the day they still have free will and will exercise that, all time living under same roof you can set boundries and rules. You can lead a camel to water but you cant make it drink.

The more you try to control what your daughter can and can't do, the more she will rebel and do the complete opposite. Girls do mature and grow up quicker, they are more independent early on, its difficult to let go and give them more room to move, but we must allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from them. I would also stop any form of physical punishment as that is not working and will cause more hurt.

The best course of action for you is to set some boundaries which gives her the freedom to express herself and make her own decisions about what she listens to and watches, but keep it to herself as in keep it in her room and listen to it on headphones and not blaring out on speakers so whole house can hear it.

AS she is growing up, do not be too quick to set rules, Once you set something in stone as a law, then it will be challenged and that is simply another fight you do not need,instead make suggestions and ask questions she can ponder on. Setting too many rules or conditions create battlefields, sure it worked when they were 8, but young adults need a different approach.


There could be other underlying factors, is she being bullied for example. Being beaten at school each day then coming home to be beaten by you because she did not do a chore will be soul destroying for her. How much baggage is she carrying from your failed marriage? CHildren are effected more than we realise. My daughter still feels betrayed by her mother walking out on us and her subsequent lack of interest in keeping in touch and eventually severing all contact with us. This has dramatically effected the way she sees the world and how she reacts and responds to things.

How do others see your child? If they all say how nice she is, how pleasant she is, then you know she is not that bad after all. If people saw how my daughter behaves in the home and how she speaks to me they would be shocked, but most of that is down to the fact that I am the only person she can just vent her frustration on.

It is not easy and unfortunately there is no instant solution, things will proberbly get worse so be prepared for that.

 

[BibleGirl]

Thank you ALL for taking the time to read this and reply! I just need to defend myself on the spanking. I didn't spark often. She got the most when she was under 9. She wouldn't let me catch her so I couldn't ever do it if I wanted to! I was just trying to say that she hit me back which if I did that to my parents growing up- there would have been huge repercussions!
I appreciate the advice so much. I know I need to find her a good male role model. That's been on my mind for years. I had hoped to find a great Man of God to marry but that never happened. I've had the worst time trying to find love- will post that on another thread! I feel like my church doesn't want to help(could that all be in my head- I don't know). It has weighed heavy on me to look for another church but my daughter LOVES the youth ministry here. I have to keep her connected with God first a d foremost. I pray for her every day. I also have to keep in mind that she's not so bad and it could be worse. A lot of her peers have boyfriends. They drink and smoke. Maybe I'm just a controlling Mom? Maybe I just want her to have a life that I never had(I had a very bad childhood).
As far as counseling- her insurance doesn't cover counseling. I don't have insurance(Obama will take care of that though). So maybe when I obtain my own insurance it will cover family therapy.
Again many thanks to all for your time!!! God bless you!!!!!!

 

[Lucy68]

Ugly had a very good insight into how to parent a rebellious teen

My daughter is contrary by nature....everything her parents said and did, she'd do the opposite...even though she didn't really agree with it, she'd do it, or talk about it, simply to be contrary. She was very sneaky and deceitful and very proud of what she could get away with. She has a very loving father who paid her attention and expressed his love and concern for and talked to her honestly about male attention. It went in one ear and out the other. Her dad and I were just very confused about how this young person's mind worked....or didn't work.

I'm happy to say she is now in her 20's and seems to have more common sense and appreciation for her parents and seems to regret her lying, deceiving, and hard-to live with personality. We are all much happier as long as we are not around each other for very long. That sounds strange I know, but we do love each other....we tell each other this all the time. We just accept the fact that right now, while she is still maturing and making moral choices that are against God, we simply cannot enjoy each others company for very long. I think that will change as she encounters life lessons; and especially when she becomes a parent herself.

That may not help you much, but it's good to know that young people do change . The important thing for a parent is to set healthy boundaries and firmly and lovingly enforce those boundaries. Teens, many times, do not understand what is going on inside their heads and in their relationships. It's up to a wise parent to help them navigate these stormy seas without harming themselves. It takes a lot of patience and love and the willingness to accept that your child will dislike you during this time because you are keeping them from doing something that they want to do. You just have to remain firm.

As long as that child is living in your household, you have a God-given responsibility to them, whether they like it or not. I remember a very honest statement that my daughter made to me when she was about 17...she said "mom, I wish you weren't so attentive to me"...which she meant that she wished I would ignore the stupid stuff she was doing and stop making it a big deal. Well it was a big deal, to God and so to me too. Her dad helped some but basically he was disengaged from trying to teach our children Christian values.

You also have the right to know what she is doing on the internet. This is an extremely critical area that needs parental supervision. If you have paid for her computer and cell phone, you have a right to know how they are being used. Social media has a HUGE impact on young people today....so be aware of what your daughter is doing. And don't let her use her anger to try to control you. My daughter would go into a rage when she thought I was 'snooping'....believe me, you need to snoop. It's good not to be too snoopy, but considering the level of lying and deceit she would use, I needed to know what was going on in our home. Sure, what I found out wasn't good...but at least we then knew the truth about our daughter and could plan how to handle it.

Focus on the Family has great resources for raising teens! I loved Dr. Dobson's "Dare to Discipline". He did recommend spanking but there comes an age when it's more useful to engage in conversation and use restrictions as consequences for misbehavior. They have a wonderful website.

Praying for you....wisdom and direction from the Holy Spirit. Your daughter is very blessed to have a loving, caring mother .

 

[kim12345]

Bible Girl, you sound like a Very Good Mom!! Your great man of God is coming. It is not too late for Love. In four years you will be 42 and your daughter will graduate from high school. 42 is still Young. This is a Much Better time for Love. Especially for your daughter even though she is growing up and separating from you (this is Gods plan) she still needs you deep down inside. If you had a new man in your life you would be focusing attention/time on him etc. and that may not be so good for her. Also, some step-dads are not so good. anyways Dont give up on the Love idea but in a couple years would be better timing. Gods got it all under control

Thank you ALL for taking the time to read this and reply! I just need to defend myself on the spanking. I didn't spark often. She got the most when she was under 9. She wouldn't let me catch her so I couldn't ever do it if I wanted to! I was just trying to say that she hit me back which if I did that to my parents growing up- there would have been huge repercussions!
I appreciate the advice so much. I know I need to find her a good male role model. That's been on my mind for years. I had hoped to find a great Man of God to marry but that never happened. I've had the worst time trying to find love- will post that on another thread! I feel like my church doesn't want to help(could that all be in my head- I don't know). It has weighed heavy on me to look for another church but my daughter LOVES the youth ministry here. I have to keep her connected with God first a d foremost. I pray for her every day. I also have to keep in mind that she's not so bad and it could be worse. A lot of her peers have boyfriends. They drink and smoke. Maybe I'm just a controlling Mom? Maybe I just want her to have a life that I never had(I had a very bad childhood).
As far as counseling- her insurance doesn't cover counseling. I don't have insurance(Obama will take care of that though). So maybe when I obtain my own insurance it will cover family therapy.
Again many thanks to all for your time!!! God bless you!!!!!!

 

[BibleGirl]

THANK YOU!! God bless you!!!??????????????????????????????

 

[BibleGirl]

Looks like I found a great place for fellowship! I appreciate all of you more than you know! I have taken into account every single response I've gotten. I pray for you all to be blessed!! Thank you thank you!!!!!!

 

[Ugly]

Ugly had a very good insight into how to parent a rebellious teen

Thanks. Especially considering i've never had kids. ( ;

 

[Ugly]

Glad you found some help for your concerns BG.

 

[overcomer2]

Okay let me give it to you from her side now, I was an only child raised by a mother and I did not know my Father. I hated my mom. I'm 48 now and wish things had been different. First I was angry because we weren't a real family just 2. Also, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I bet she's doing drugs. I started drugs just about that time to try and numb the pain. (my opinion) 3. My mother had no one else so I was constantly under a microscope. Make sure you have a life and let her search your life instead of you always wanting in hers. 4, Move. My mother moved us out of Calif to Texas. The best thing that happened to me. A new fresh start. First thing I did was try to find drugs however it was hard so I actually made friends who were good for me. I don't know if you do this, but my mother never would tell me anything. Not if things were okay financially or if someone hurt her at work, nothing. I tell my kids just about everything. They know when we are financially strapped. If we need to sell cows. If the car isn't working they are truly a part of my life. I don't know if this helps but somehow the both of you need a third wheel to spin things off of. I have 3 children there is just one whose relationship is similar to my mom and I, however, I give her alot of space. She is a great kid I was not. So, I know things in our relationship are better. Really look into drugs or alcohol. She would smell like smoke, come home real late just yell hi, and head straight to her room. Spend night at friends then sneak out. I don't know her I'm just relating what I did to deal with my relationship with my mom.

I hoped this helped since their were a few similarities.

 

[Huckleberry]

Hello. I am writing to hopefully get some advice with my daughter. She is 14.
I will start with a little background info: I have been raising her on my own her whole life. She always was so affectionate and clingy with me. Her Dad lives out of state and she doesn't see him very much. I'm not married and don't even date. Everything I do I do for her and always have her best interest in mind. She has a good knowledge of God, she's gone on retreats and attends youth group.
Starting at age 11 I saw her attitude change. She got mouthier, she started hitting me back if I tried to spank her
Fast forward to now. She does everything the opposite of what I want. From her hair, the way she dresses, the music he listens to. She wants nothing to do with me unless she wants something from me like money. I have hard time even asking her 1 question without her screaming at me. I walk in her room 1 time and she screams and tells me that I'm "always" in her room. In the car She changes my Christian station to more "hip music" . Her zeal for God has dramatically dropped in the last year. However she continues to attend youth group PRAISE GOD.
she does receive punishment when she disrespects me or refuses to do her chores. When I take things away she tells me she "doesn't care". She has played soccer since she was 6 and just this last month she informed me she doesn't want to play ANY SPORTS. This hurts me because I pride myself on being active and healthy and again she wants to do everything opposite than me. I think she should do some type of sport or extracurricular activity but she ones not want to. She wants to sit in her room and obsess over boy bands and people with purple hai and piercings- again so opposite of me.
I've reached out to my church but I only received 2 sessions with the youth pastor and he wasn't very helpful. There wasn't a follow up- that's a whole other story- pretty discouraged by my church right now.
i want to know if this is normal behavior? None of my friends have these types of problems with their daughters. I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Any advice?

How I run things may or may not work for others.
Once one of my kids reaches a certain age, I pay them 25 cents per-chore, up to $5 per week.
Chores are mandatory, and must be documented in order to receive payment.
If they don't write it down on their sheet, they don't get paid for it.
This gives them a way to earn money.
They need that money, because now they're going have "bills".
I make them pay for some of their things and activities. Not all, but some.
Also, I assess fines when I see necessary. Usually in $1 increments.
The more fines they pay, the less money the have for their "bills".
I also allow for fines to be forgiven, but only if the cause of the fine is rectified.
I tweek the system as needed to fit my purposes.
And so I find that money gives me significant leverage on them.
May not work for everybody, but so far it's been effective for me.

 

[answers]

I was a very rebellious child especially toward my mom. I think if my mom would have followed the quote below, I would have responded differently.


“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


I do not think that means to completely ignore all behaviors and actions, but I do think it means to not have them hang over her or around a corner when you interact with her. Teach her respect by displaying respect. Teach her self-restraint by living with it. Teach her accountability by acknowledging your mistakes. I am sure you get my picture. She knows she is screwing up, but when her loved ones have the finger pointed at her, when she probably has fingers pointed back at them is not going to get communication back.

My mom, always pointed fingers at us kids and made us live by no whoa-is-me. Even if she tried not to point fingers, she would by saying something like I am so frustrated because of "blah-blah" I am sorry, but you need to "blah-blah". Things like this taught me I could not rely on her, I lost respect and thought I had it all figured out, and I made life-long decisions that I would not have had if my mom had a guide to interact with me as a teen and we were able to get on the same page.

I am not implying this is your fault, just that teens think they understand everything and are hard to interact with. The only thing besides prayer and living on God's time you can do is open communication. When I am in your shoes, that is what I plan to focus on. My daughter is going to be twelve and thus far our communication seems to be great, but who knows what will happen as she is teenified, yikes!

God Bless and I hope I was some help. Take care.

 

[Grey]

Violent punishments are temporary solutions