Troubles in Marriage

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bookworm

Guest
#1
#1
I am new here on the site and I had recently found that my wife had an affair about a year ago. We were going through a difficult time. Our son was a victim in a hit and run and we were both devastated, but she handled it by leaving our home and started drinking, well she found another man and the two began having an affair. I am against divorce, but I still love her and want it to work out. The problem is I do not trust her around other men for obvious reasons. I feel so hopeless and it seems that I can't help the situation.
 
Cherry4Christ

Cherry4Christ

Junior Member
#2
Nov 16, 2013
21
0
1
#2
The way you're feeling is completely normal. To fix your marriage you have to keep God first and remember forgiveness and mercy is the key. Time will heal all pain. Seek God's guidance and you and your wife should set a special time to pray together. God bless you my brother in Christ. Take care!
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#3
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
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#3
So sorry you and your wife have endured such pain...I assume your son was killed? Praying for healing for you both!

Do you think she has given up on the marriage completely or is she showing signs of wanting to repair your relationship?
 
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BeanieD

Guest
#5
#5
Sincere persistant prayer is the key. Do you two have any kind of relationship right now?
I will be praying for you. God bless
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#6
#6
does she want to try and work it out?
 
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bookworm

Guest
#7
#7
I am unsure whether she wants to work it out. Because she has also turned to alcohol to cope. I mean I love her very much, but I hate what she is doing to our family. We have two other children and they are feeling neglected by her attitude towards our family. On a day to day basis she leaves the house by 8 in the morning and gets home about 8:30 at night when she goes directly to bed and we barely see each other for an hour each day. To be honest I have thought about having an affair too, just to feel loved, but I want to honor the vows I made to her so I quickly repent for even thinking it.
 
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Aqua_Girl09

Guest
#8
#8
Have you guys gone to counseling? I think that would be a first step. And if she's unwilling to do that then I think that shows that she doesn't really want to work things out.

But if she stopped the affaire and told you she won't see him again I think thats a sign that she wants to change but doesn't know how. . . . .it seems to me like she's shelling herself off cause she doesn't want to deal with what happened.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#9
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
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#9
bookworm said:
I am unsure whether she wants to work it out. Because she has also turned to alcohol to cope. I mean I love her very much, but I hate what she is doing to our family. We have two other children and they are feeling neglected by her attitude towards our family. On a day to day basis she leaves the house by 8 in the morning and gets home about 8:30 at night when she goes directly to bed and we barely see each other for an hour each day. To be honest I have thought about having an affair too, just to feel loved, but I want to honor the vows I made to her so I quickly repent for even thinking it.
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Having an affair yourself will not help the problem at all....because this will definitely NOT honor God. Our relationship with God is our primary one....when this goes right, everything else will also. When husband and wife start playing the 'tit for tat' game, things are going to spiral down even faster. Seek HIS love first.

Most people resort to alcohol for it's numbing affect. I would first try the approach, which should be genuine, that you are afraid of the harm she is doing to herself. Share honest concern about her own welfare, how much you love her and hate to see her hurting. Ask her how you can help? Then just listen. If she can start talking about what is bothering her...without interruption...she may begin to understand why she is so depressed. Sometimes we don't understand what is going on in our own minds and talking it out helps. Or writing it out. Letting her do this without judging or making negative comments may help get it out in the open. It's hard to deal with something when you really don't know what 'it' is.

If and when she decides she does want to change, then she will need your help for accountability. And she may decide to join AA...a support group is GREAT!! This leaving the house all day without anyone knowing where she is, is not good; but if you try to deal with that first, she may just get more resentful.

Do you attend church together? This is a must :). Only the Holy Spirit can transform us from the inside out...which is the only transformation that will stick. Hearing God's Word preached, singing praise songs, praying as a group...these are AMAZING things that will bring the power of the Holy Spirit into your lives. And most importantly, reading His Word...doing this together is also a good way to bring His power into your lives.

Praying for you both....listen to the Holy Spirit and follow His direction...He will bring you out of the pit :).
 
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Barteyez

Guest
#10
#10
"Praying for you both....listen to the Holy Spirit and follow His direction..."
as stated above... prayer is first place to go.. we can seek counsel from men and women but in the end as with most matters... to seek out God s word in any situation is best. The bible says..ask and it will be given seek and you find.. and the best place to look is first your bible, then pray about what you read, then your church pastors.
keep your head looking up...
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#11
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,961
113
#11
Please get counseling for yourself. You are only good to your wife and other children if you are healed. There are many godly counselors out there.

As for your wife, as horrible as this seems, you are right in recognizing that she is not coping with the tragedy you both endured. I know such terrible things can rip apart a marriage, or destroy a person. Right now, you are hanging onto the marriage for both of you.

Please get help to see you through this, and yes, keep praying, and urge her to get help. AA was another good suggestion. See if people in your church can pray for both of you. You don't have to give out all the details, but let them know - they can't help if they don't know your world is crumbling to pieces.

So sorry for what you have been through with this horrible tragedy that continues to destroy your wife, marriage and family.
 
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bookworm

Guest
#12
#12
Lucy68 said:
Having an affair yourself will not help the problem at all....because this will definitely NOT honor God. Our relationship with God is our primary one....when this goes right, everything else will also. When husband and wife start playing the 'tit for tat' game, things are going to spiral down even faster. Seek HIS love first.
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Well, like I said I have debated whether having an affair, but I also said I quickly repented for even thinking that because I want to honor our vows to each other.
 
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bookworm

Guest
#13
#13
I don't even know whether she is having an affair now. I had just found out about it. I don't think she is currently cheating. She is the one with the problem grieving the loss of our child, I am grieving over the choices my wife is making. And yes, we go to church together and it is none of their business what we are going through because a lot of them are gossips and it would spread like wildfire our marital issues. Plus, I do not feel comfortable with ruining my wife's reputation with her friends at church. I may be overexaggerating, but having children together I need to be cautious and protective over my two kids because of what happened to our son.
.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#14
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#14
Bookworm, I'm so sorry for your loss and your marriage trouble. I've been there, with the affair. I'm glad that you want to make things work with your wife. I totally understand you not wanting to "out" your wife to the church. That wouldn't help the situation at all. But your wife needs counseling. She is destroying your family and cannot be allowed to continue in this way... I think that you already see that. Her willingness to go to counseling, for herself as well as with you for marriage counseling, will show you that she wants the marriage to work. You may need to show some "tough love" here, if she refuses. Be firm. Don't let her see how desperately you love her. She needs to realize that she COULD lose you and her kids if she doesn't pull herself together. Hopefully she will see that, and agree to take the necessary steps to become well again.

Blessings to you. I know you are in a dark place, but the Lord is there with you. He sees and he has a plan for you and your family.
 
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Aqua_Girl09

Guest
#15
#15
theres plenty of other places to go to get counseling then just your church. but its obvious that you guys need some outside help. A professional with the whole "code of silence" would be a good idea in this case. ^_^
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#16
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#16
bookworm said:
I don't even know whether she is having an affair now. I had just found out about it. I don't think she is currently cheating. She is the one with the problem grieving the loss of our child, I am grieving over the choices my wife is making. And yes, we go to church together and it is none of their business what we are going through because a lot of them are gossips and it would spread like wildfire our marital issues. Plus, I do not feel comfortable with ruining my wife's reputation with her friends at church. I may be overexaggerating, but having children together I need to be cautious and protective over my two kids because of what happened to our son.
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Unfortunately, gossip at church does happen. Is there a local Christian counselor that you don't know personally? An objective person that doesn't know you personally may be able to get you both talking help work things out.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#17
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#17
bookworm said:
I don't even know whether she is having an affair now. I had just found out about it. I don't think she is currently cheating. She is the one with the problem grieving the loss of our child, I am grieving over the choices my wife is making. And yes, we go to church together and it is none of their business what we are going through because a lot of them are gossips and it would spread like wildfire our marital issues. Plus, I do not feel comfortable with ruining my wife's reputation with her friends at church. I may be overexaggerating, but having children together I need to be cautious and protective over my two kids because of what happened to our son.
.
Click to expand...
Unfortunately, gossip at church does happen. Is there a local Christian counselor that you don't know personally? An objective person that doesn't know you personally may be able to get you both talking and help work things out.
 
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sunnygurl

Guest
#18
#18
I am so very sorry at the lost of your child under such tragic circumstances, losing a child is an intensely deep and painful loss of the worst kind. I am also so sad that your marriage is struggling due to the experience of deep grief. I think your child's death has numbed your wife and she has made destructive choices due to the deep grief she is experiencing. Grief is something that will not be denied and sadly will express itself in many unhealthy ways.

I am also sorry for your hurt due to your wife's affair, I admire the fact that you want your marriage restored instead of standing on your right to divorce under the grounds of adultery. :) Respect!! Seek God to heal the lack of trust that you have with your wife currently He longs to restore the broken trust in your marriage.

I pray that the Lord will heal all your families hurting hearts. That He will humble your wife's numb heart before Him so she can open the dam of denied emotions so He our loving Father can heal and restore all that the locusts have taken from you both. Blessings, strength and comfort to your family.
 
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bookworm

Guest
#19
#19
I want to thank everyone for all their encouraging words. Well, as of Thursday she left to go on a business trip. Mind you she works with child services and she had to go to deal with a family in desperate need of help. I told her of what has been said here, but of course in my own words. I had said that I love her and the kids love her and we need her to rejoin our family. I know you help many families through your job and that is so awesome and very admirable. I need her to be the wife I married and a mother to our children. I also had stated that we both lost a son and we need to get through this together. I also said that she needed to stop drinking and needed to attend AA meetings in our area and attend anger management at least for a few sessions. Anyway, she came back this morning a totally different person. I guess turns out she had to help a family go through what my wife and I had to go through with the loss of our son. When I picked her up at the airport she ran into my arms and hugged our kids and never wanted to let go. I had a hard time not crying, cause that is not very manly. LOL. She told my that she wanted to put our family back together. I feel like our family is complete again. I didn't have to go to our church for some counseling.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#20
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#20
Bookworm, I can't express to you how wonderful it is to hear this news! We serve a LIVING GOD who is active in our lives and marriages! What a breakthrough for you!! God obviously orchestrated the trip to see this family for your wife's benefit, and that shows his great love for you both.

Don't hold back your tears. They honor God and will touch your wife. I am rejoicing for you.
 
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