Husband demanding divorce, not sure what to do

[brokenwife]

Hi all- I would really appreciate some sound, faith filled advice on what to do in my current situation.
I will try to make this as short as possible.
My husband and I have been together since we were in high school. When I went away to college we went our separate ways and he wound up getting a girlfriend pregnant- from there they got engaged and moved in together. They broke up before she had the baby, he decided to join the Army, and about a year later we ran off and got married. It was a crazy time in our lives, but one of the happiest. He managed to see his son every week and is an amazing father. We even moved back home to be near to him and finish school. Everything was going great. I was saved during this time and we got very involved in church- members of a small group, various ministries, and a marriage mentoring program. My husband had grown up Christian but never really seemed interested until this time. We even had a "real" wedding this past June to celebrate what God had done in our marriage and to share our love and our vows in front of our families and my husband's son. I always knew my husband had struggled with guilt of his decision to not be with his son's mother and marry me instead and yes I knew he probably should have stayed with her- but after we were married I knew it was God's will we were to stay married so I thought thats what we were both fighting for. About 3 months ago- my husband came to me and told me he just couldn't do it- he couldn't accept he would never have a "family" unit with his son, he didn't want to have children with me because then his kids would have different moms and he hated that idea, he hated being away from his son and he just couldn't honor our marriage any longer. I was crushed. The next day while I was gone, he packed up and left. Since then, he has been living with his son and his son's mom, trying to make that relationship work (adultery). While I understand his feelings of guilt- biblically I am his wife- after God, his loyalty is to me then to his son. I loved my step son as if he were my own- I supported their relationship in every way I could. That was never an issue. My husband just does not care to trust God's wisdom and judgement.
He is now pressuring me to sign papers for a divorce- by me signing these papers the divorce will be final within weeks and he can continue on with his other relationship without feeling guilty and with little money spent. If i don't sign (which I told him from day one I would not sign anything)- the process will take at least a year and be thousands of dollars. He is practically begging me to avoid that. So I am torn- I love this man, I never wanted to be without him or my step son. I do not think divorce should be an easy process and honestly I just don't believe in it so I do not want to participate at all. But I don't know that I want to create such a huge mess by forcing it to go into litigation, just to have the same end result. At the same time, time could be used in my favor and my husband will be forced to face what he is doing instead of rushing in and out of decisions like he has always done. My heart is broken and I would so much appreciate some insight. This is my worst nightmare, all I ever wanted was a loving, God fearing family and to find myself in this situation is truly terrifying.

 

[Ariel82]

I would let him have the divorce. If it was meant to be God will open his eyes and bring him back to you. Forcing him to stay will not change his mind and just make him feel bitter and resentful towards you.

Sometimes you have to let people go and make their own mistakes and learn from them.

If he wants to try to make his relationship with his son's mother work, you should step back and focus on other things in your life.

True love is about selflessness and loving the other person even when their actions break your heart, wishing for them to be happy and find joy in life even when its not with you.

 

[Nautilus]

If he wants the divorce to be with his son and wife, youre being selfish not signing it. You cant force him to be with you. You're 22 you have a long life ahead of you, doesnt make sense to waste it on this one guy.

 

[brokenwife]

The other girl is not his wife- never was. Just someone who he had relations with in college. I am his wife.

 

[J-Kay-2]

The other girl is not his wife- never was. Just someone who he had relations with in college. I am his wife.

This is so sad. My thought went to David and Bathsheba. How he lusted
after her, sent her husband to war, hoping he would be killed so he could
have Bathsheba with a clear Conscience. It did not work out as you know,
the rest of the story. He got Bathsheba, they had a child of their own.
But, as you know, he lost that baby to death. I am not inferring that
something is going to happen to his son. In NO way do I mean that. I am
saying, what he thought was the ultimate goal, turned out to be sorrowful
and he had much sorrow even in repentance.

I have to say my thought is same as the others. My thought is like, hey,
if you don't love me .... have at it. That is my flesh speaking.

What would God have you do? I pray He gives you an answer. Can you
talk with your Pastor?

I think what he did to you, he is going to do the same to her. But,
before you have children, and build up a home with equity with money
and 2 cars to have to decide who gets what....At least you haven't
gotten that far.
I pray you can find peace somewhere.
"Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you."
"You will not be alone and we will be praying for you ~
God bless you ~ J~K~2

 

[Misty77]

Even Jesus said that if a man remarries, he is not to leave the new wife to go back to the previous one. You have 2 options: Fight for the covenant that he made to you before God, or you can choose to write write it off as an unbeliever (by his actions) who wishes to leave. I would advise counseling from your pastoral staff.

 

[brokenwife]

Thank you both for your input. I am going to speak with my pastor and a biblical counselor next week. My fleshly side agrees with everyone- he doesn't want to be married to me so sign the papers and move on. But my spiritually committed side says- I made a covenant, to God first and then to my husband, and I need to do stand firm on that no matter how uncomfortable it may get. But the odds are against me and my husband's mind is certainly made up so I am just torn. Thanks for your advice and prayers.

 

[J-Kay-2]

Father God, I come to You for Broken. You see her hurting and
she needs wisdom. May she have a peace that surpasses all understanding.
You see her heart is to be the wife You saw her pledge to be. We are going
to pray until she is able to give a report of how this situation turns out.
In Jesus name I ask You direct her steps. Bless her for her pure heart and
love for You. Amen

 

[brokenwife]

Amen. Thank you for that J. Kay.

 

[J-Kay-2]

Amen. Thank you for that J. Kay.

Honey, What hurts you is hurting Jesus too. When we are all making
up the Body of Christ, we are going to hurt when you hurt. I wish
I could make your pain go away. I can't do anything except pray and
trust the Lord for you. Thank you for responding ~ J~K~2

 

[Ugly]

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but he doesn't want you. If he's determined to divorce you what is the point of not signing? Because divorce shouldn't be easy? That is a sad excuse. What it sounds more like to me is anger and bitterness and trying to make him pay for what he's putting you through. And just saying you love him, or even meaning it, doesn't mean you can't have those feelings as well. Why spend a year of your life trying to hold on to something you can't have? Just to prolong the connection? Punish him? Punish the other people involved? What will you be putting your step son through?
I understand it's hurtful. And i'm not suggesting you shouldn't feel hurt. Its a sad situation and i do wish you weren't having to go through it, but what benefit comes from dragging it out? I mean other than you keeping some sense of connection and making it hard on him out of spite.

 

[brokenwife]

Thanks for your honesty. I can say without hesitation that I am not angry or bitter towards my husband. I am so sad for him and for myself. I do not want to punish him- only God is responsible for that. Sure, he should have some repercussions for his actions but that is not my responsibility. The only reason I would avoid signing papers is because I just honestly don't agree with any part of this- he has no grounds for a divorce other than simply "changing his mind". It ultimately has nothing to do with me or our marriage- its his issue and if he wants to go against the will of God that I want that to be on him- I do not want my name signed on a paper that disgusts the Lord. That has been my thoughts throughout this process but I do see the other side which is I do not want to make this any more painful then it needs to be.

 

[notuptome]

Well the probability of this working out is very low. This man cannot commit to love his wife. I hate to say this but even after the divorce he will not honor the mother of his child. You should ask yourself why you would want this man in the first place. Do not trust the emotions of your heart. Even though he did not marry the child's mother you probably should not have married him either. You cannot go back and undo what has been done but compounding the problem will not help either. I don't know if making him pay for the divorce is not going to accomplish anything except the enrichment of the attorneys.

Perfect example of the consequences of sin. Plenty of pain to go around. You have been wronged by another. God is merciful and will guide you in the path He has chosen for you. You may have to go on without this guy but until he hits rock bottom and looks up to God and seeks forgiveness there is nothing you can do except pray and weep before the Lord.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Misty77]

It's her marriage, too. Fighting for it doesn't necessarily mean she is bitter.

 

[Angela53510]

Is he sleeping with the mother of his child? He has already committed adultery, then.

I think this is really a issue for prayer. I agree, you are young, and your husband is thoughtless and selfish. Will he change, if you tie him in knots and force a contested divorce? I doubt it.

I know you love him, you committed your life to him, but he obviously has not done the same for you.

I will pray that God will guide you. I am so sorry this man turned out to be so terribly unfaithful.

 

[JesusLives]

Dear BrokenWife

Pray, Pray, Pray - take your heartache to the Lord who loves you with an everlasting love. He knows the pain you are suffering and the rejection you feel from your husband. I am so glad that you have set up a counseling session with your Pastor. These are some difficult decisions that you are going to have to make and only you can decide the path to take - signing or not.

Dear Jesus

I pray for Brokenwife and her husband that you will work in this situation for the best outcome for all. That there will be no bitterness and that Brokenwife will not hurt from this situation for long. That she will be able to go on with her life knowing that you are by her side to strengthen her and that you will be her husband to see her through. Please help her to learn to forgive for it is so hard to do when others treat us so wrongly. Give her your peace I pray. In Jesus Name Amen.

 

[Sponge_Bob]

Dont sign the papers. You cant control we does but you can do whats right. He wants a divorce well there may be nothing to do about that. But I wouldnt sign the papers.

 

[Nautilus]

The other girl is not his wife- never was. Just someone who he had relations with in college. I am his wife.

You are but if he isn't happy and wants to leave what kind of marriage would it be forcing him to stay?He can get a divorce without you agreeing to it anyways I believe, so why put yourself through that? Also just because you 'feel' this is God's will for your future doesn't mean its either a) true or b) his

 

[Agricola]

I will also say just divorce him asap. You have to accept your marriage is over and he will not come back to you. It would be foolish to take him back as he will just go off again at the next chance he gets. From your comments it also sounds like he was just playing at being a Christian, people who fake being a Christian find it hard without Holy Spirit and Jesus, its next to impossible, so it seems to me he has just buckled under the strain and finds it easier to live a non-christian life.

 

[brokenwife]

Thanks again for everyone's input and prayers. I am not interested in forcing him to stay in this marriage- that's impossible. The divorce will happen either way. I am just trying to figure out what the best way is for me to honor my covenant to him and The Lord in this crappy situation not because I feel like it's Gods will but because I know that God hates divorce and does not will for marriages to end in adultery and divorce.