I am going to hell

[cyphercat]

I do not know who is using me to post this.
Nothing will prove to me that I am or am not going to hell.
If I believe I am not, I have this to look forward to for the rest of my life.
There is no comfort.
I have the lake of fire to look forward to.
My heart has died and I do not care about anything but avoiding what further pain to this physical body that I can.
I don't have any tears to weep and I do not care.
I will not take my life.
I will not put myself in harms way.
I give up.
Don't use drugs.

 

[cyphercat]

I am left to my habits. My main goal is to give up all hope and prevent further suffering to my own flesh.
I am left with the question, "Am I going to hell?"
If yes, then I already believe that.
If no, then there is no way to prove it. Everything is hopeless.

 

[cyphercat]

This is what is taking place.
I do not love or hate.
If something I care about comes to memory, I give it up and weep.
If something I hate comes up, I cease to hate it.

I used drugs and preached the bible. I have turned the entire bible into a lie I cannot believe.
I cannot believe any of my own conceits.
I blasphemed the Holy Spirit.
There is no forgiveness.
God is good.

 

[cyphercat]

Here is my future:
I will spend my days in my room lying on my bed and weeping when something I care about comes to mind.
When my daughter is here, I will do my work and make sure she is safe.
I will do all that is required of me.
I will tell people that I am going to hell.
I do not know why. Nothing anyone says will convince me otherwise.
I am posting this and I do not know why.
I have given up my family and I wept.
I wept over everything I thought was precious in this life.
I have lost everything.
I do not care.
I know how to smile to avoid a conversation about how I feel.
I know how to say "I love you" to who needs to hear it without meaning it.

 

[cyphercat]

On my deathbed I will feel then as I do now.
I am preparing myself to get thrown into the lake of fire.
I can see the darkness.
I can feel the flames.
I am screaming.
I will do this forever.
I am numb.
I will be numb. That is my only hope.

 

[cyphercat]

I was scared of the lake of fire then I wept.
I am not scared now, I am preparing to meet the flames.
I am preparing to scream.
I am preparing to smell brimstone.
I am preparing to believe that this is my eternity to come.
I am trying to make now as much like the lake of fire as possible.

 

[cyphercat]

Satan is the god of this world.
If an angel came down right now and said, "You are not going to hell", it is Satan.
If anyone came to me and said "You are not going to hell", they are Satan.
Satan tells me I am going to hell.
Satan tells me I am not going to hell.

 

[zaoman32]

I don't know what your point in all this is, or even half of what your saying. Get over yourself though. You're meddling with things that ought not to be meddled with and making statements you will no doubt later regret. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, KNOW that God is good, don't just say it.

 

[JDecree]

I don't understand...is it poetry? Is this how you are really feeling?

I've been feeling similar lately...it is a lonely scary hopeless feeling to be sure. Basically assurance can only come from God that we are His and He gives it when He wants to. It is to the point that if I am to be with Him, He'll get me there. If I am not, He wont and there is nothing I, of myself, can do about it.

Though every day is a battle for me, He always gives me that bit of sustaining hope each day that keeps me from going mad. I have a feeling He is doing so for you. Find it bro.

DO NOT give up. What else is there?

 

[cyphercat]

I'm grasping at something.

 

[cyphercat]

I don't know what your point in all this is, or even half of what your saying. Get over yourself though. You're meddling with things that ought not to be meddled with and making statements you will no doubt later regret. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, KNOW that God is good, don't just say it.

I deserved this.

 

[cyphercat]

I don't understand...is it poetry? Is this how you are really feeling?

I've been feeling similar lately...it is a lonely scary hopeless feeling to be sure. Basically assurance can only come from God that we are His and He gives it when He wants to. It is to the point that if I am to be with Him, He'll get me there. If I am not, He wont and there is nothing I, of myself, can do about it.

Though every day is a battle for me, He always gives me that bit of sustaining hope each day that keeps me from going mad. I have a feeling He is doing so for you. Find it bro.

DO NOT give up. What else is there?

I'm groping around for something.
I believe I blasphemed the Holy Spirit.
That's a large part of this.
The other part is that if there's something greater than hope and comfort that I can grab, I'm grabbing for it.

 

[cyphercat]

I drink about 2 bottles of cough syrup every day.
I do not get drunken high.
I get euphoric enough to take the pain away in my stomach.
Cough syrup was the only thing that took the pain away.
Cough syrup is the only chemical that takes the pain away and lets me live a normal life and fulfill all my responsibilities.
Cough syrup works better than any anti depressant and does not inebriate me. I have full faculty of speech and motor control, and can pass all required tests of law enforcement.
There is no standard that says "Don't drink cough syrup", so I, as someone who loves Jesus, am alone.
I do not get high.
I self medicate.
But no one will think that.
They will only think I am doing drugs.
I am a Christian and I drink a little bit of cough syrup.
Because of this I cannot fellowship with other Christians.

 

[cyphercat]

The bible says that wine is for a person like me who suffers from these physical stomach pains.
So I can forget my misery.

 

[zaoman32]

I just watched you rant in the chat room. You've succeeded in absolutely nothing but feeling sorry for yourself, and you know what? no amount of words from anyone will change that. You know what you are doing? You're dragging other people down with you. Way to help.

 

[cyphercat]

I just watched you rant in the chat room. You've succeeded in absolutely nothing but feeling sorry for yourself, and you know what? no amount of words from anyone will change that. You know what you are doing? You're dragging other people down with you. Way to help.

I was ignorant of that when I did it. I went in hope.
I went knowing God would clean up the mess I make.
I clean up after my daughter.
God has showed me that he cleans up my messes too.
So when I am bold in that respect, he promises that he will take care of the mess I make.

 

[persNickety]

Something smells of troll in here

 

[st_sebastian]

Regardless of how you're feeling, you can force your muscles to move in such a way that you put on some warm clothes (if it's cold), get to the door, and walk outside for a bit. One foot in front of the other - you can be sobbing, you can protest that it's not what you want to do, but the feet will still manage to move.

Unless, of course, you're in some way permanently disabled.

 

[cyphercat]

Something smells of troll in here

I am not a troll.
I am a dad and I treat my daughter with patience and tenderness.
God treats me with tenderness and patience.
When I get desperate, I turn to the world and speak, and God uses everyone to say what He wants me to hear.

 

[ww_21]

Hey you know you just sound like you're having a really bad time, I have no idea what's going on with you but you sound as if you're sad and hurting inside which is causing you to lash out. I've been there, kind of still am but you can't just proclaim that you're going to hell. Nobody can know that for sure, all you have to do is ask forgiveness for what ever you did and you will be forgiven. You will be okay, if you ever need to talk about anything feel free to message me. I sincerely hope you feel better.