wondering about how christians date

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carolie

Guest
#1
#1
Hello all,
I am new here and newly born again, although I was raised Christian as a child. I was married for 13 years and my husband left me. My self confidence took a dive and for a long time I have been hesitant to date. 2 months ago, I met a wonderful man who has taken me out many times. We sit at church together. We have had dinner and movie dates. We talk a lot on the phone and text. I am really falling for him, but am very confused because of how he has never once touched or kissed me. Please don't think for a moment that I am a loose woman, or would do anything inappropriate. I just have never had this experience before. I think he likes me as more than a friend, so I wonder if this is the way a truly Godly man acts? Should I be counting my blessings, or chalking him up as a friend only? I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't know how to discuss this with him. I am new to being a born again Christian and so I am wondering if this is the way Christians date? How will I know if he has feelings for me beyond friends? Again, please don't take this the wrong way, I am so new to this way of understanding, but I would like to marry someone who is attracted to me. I will gladly wait, but how can I be sure we are both wanting the same type of relationship. Thank you so much for your help.
 
mystdancer50

mystdancer50

Senior Member
#2
Feb 26, 2012
2,522
50
48
#2
Well, the baseline for purity is to not sleep together until the wedding and, in that, to not do anything that is near to that, such as long makeout sessions, staying over (even if you sleep in different rooms), things like that. Holding hands, kissing and hugging and such are acceptable to most Christians.

I believe in radical purity, personally, but as long as you do not sleep with each other or do heavy petting and that kind of thing, should be fine.

Personally, you and he need to sit down and discuss the boundaries of purity each of you believe in. This will help keep you from feeling rejected. He may believe as I do, that every kiss, hug and touch is for after I do...and he may just not want to force you into something. Communication is best.
 
W

ww_21

Guest
#3
#3
I am actually wondering the same thing except I am dating a guy who is not Christian... and I'm finding myself at a loss because there are certain christian Morales I would like to stick to.. abstinence and such but I am curious as to other issues Christians face while dating.
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#4
#4
Hello carolie! :)

We are happy to have you here with us. Welcome to C.C. and I'm so happy for you being born again, what a blessing! :)

You have a very good question. So in general a Godly man won't play games with you. He'd be clear and honest about his intentions. Communication is very important. Talk to him and be clear and straight forward but of course in a soft and nice manner! :) clear communication in the relationship protects from lots of problems. A true Godly man won't do any thing that would arose any sexual feelings for him or you outside marriage! :)

So I guess both of you should count your blessing for having each other. :)
 
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carolie

Guest
#5
#5
Hello and thank you for your responses. He is a wonderful guy and when I think about a possible future I am filled with such joy. I truly admire him. I feel such admiration and respect for this man. I know that I must communicate with him about this subject but I am at a loss for words. Could someone help me with how to bring up the subject? "I would like to discuss our boundaries" seems silly because he hasn't come close to overstepping mine. :) What about: "I am curious what you think about purity before marriage?" I can't believe I am 49 years old and feel sooo...dumb. Thanks again for your responses and making me feel welcome.
 
cyphercat

cyphercat

Banned
#6
Jun 22, 2013
380
5
0
#6
If you have feelings for each other, try to communicate that in some way. But stay pure.
You can have a fulfilling and uplifting relationship that never goes into the realm of physical touch for however long it takes for the two of you to unite and have your own place to live.
He really should let you know that he's attracted to you if he is though.
But I am learning how to be a friend to females and it may be the case that he just really is being a very good friend.

Just make your intentions and feelings known, and then like everyone else said, pursue a relationship and discuss boundaries.
I tell you again, you can have a deep, fulfilling relationship just getting to know each other.
All the stuff that comes with marriage can wait.
 
cyphercat

cyphercat

Banned
#7
Jun 22, 2013
380
5
0
#7
How to approach the situation.

This is one of those things that isn't easy, because you're opening the door.
If I really liked a girl, this is what I would say:
"Look, we need to talk. We've become great friends and we have this great relationship.
But I've started to develop feelings for you, and I need to know if within you there is the possibility of us?
If there is not, that is okay. I am your friend, and will continue to be. I will show you the same level of respect and friendship that we have come to rely on.
But if you think there is the possibility of us, then let's think about maybe committing to that idea, and close the door on meeting any other men or women, and get to know each other to see if we're right for each other in the long term.
If we are, then we have gained each other. If we aren't, then we've simply put things on hold for a period of time, and we can look elsewhere. But we will still remain close friends."
 
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carolie

Guest
#8
#8
cyphercat said:
"Look, we need to talk. We've become great friends and we have this great relationship.
But I've started to develop feelings for you, and I need to know if within you there is the possibility of us?
If there is not, that is okay. I am your friend, and will continue to be. I will show you the same level of respect and friendship that we have come to rely on.
But if you think there is the possibility of us, then let's think about maybe committing to that idea, and close the door on meeting any other men or women, and get to know each other to see if we're right for each other in the long term.
If we are, then we have gained each other. If we aren't, then we've simply put things on hold for a period of time, and we can look elsewhere. But we will still remain close friends."[/QUOTE

Thank you! I will definitely use this as a starting point for me to get my thoughts together and express how I feel. I really appreciate your help!
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I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#9
#9
As wise n' prudent women, we choose the right words at the right time! :)


carolie said:
Hello and thank you for your responses. He is a wonderful guy and when I think about a possible future I am filled with such joy. I truly admire him. I feel such admiration and respect for this man. I know that I must communicate with him about this subject but I am at a loss for words. Could someone help me with how to bring up the subject? "I would like to discuss our boundaries" seems silly because he hasn't come close to overstepping mine. :) What about: "I am curious what you think about purity before marriage?" I can't believe I am 49 years old and feel sooo...dumb. Thanks again for your responses and making me feel welcome.
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BananaPie

Guest
#10
#10
carolie said:
I am really falling for him, but am very confused because of how he has never once touched or kissed me. ...I think he likes me as more than a friend, so I wonder if this is the way a truly Godly man acts?
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Hello, Carolie, yes, keeping our hands & lips to ourselves is very normal and becoming of Christian behavior.

In fact, it's honorable and highly respected among the saints to have self-control especially towards the one we love. Just trust the Lord as your kind beau honors you with God's approval. Remember that he is honoring the Lord in keeping pure thoughts towards you.

BTW, welcome to CC! I'm BananaPie. :D
 
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just_monicat

Senior Member
#11
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
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#11
hi carolie... since you are unclear about this guy's feelings for you, i think the first thing that you should do is ask him how he feels about you. the best relationships are grounded in laying cards bare when there is confusion or conflict, and for all you know, he may be just as eager to hear what your feelings for him are.

also, since you're a new christian, it might be a bit of a shift to date both as/with a christian. as others have recommended, i would suggest you take some time to figure out what YOUR purity standards are, and have that conversation too. a guy worth getting to know will respect your standards and not try to negotiate or talk you into something that is less than what is right for you. in the same way, you should find out what his standards are, and do you very best to respect and support him in that manner as well -- purity in a relationship is both parties' responsibility.
 
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BananaPie

Guest
#12
#12
carolie said:
How will I know if he has feelings for me beyond friends?
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Well, there are two thoughts on that:

a) let the brother lead, or b) be a feminist and take control over the relationship.

I belong to the conservative side in which we women agree that the brethren are to lead including when befriending one another. From that perspective, it would be improper to ask the brother for favor, let alone hint about having feelings for you.

That's how godly women exercise patience and exercise a prayer life by bringing our wants and desires to the foot of the cross. In the meantime, it's proper for godly men to seek the Lord in prayer not only for their hearts, but also for the heart (yours) they are to lead in God's favor. :)

Give the brother time as you enjoy his company, and allow the relationship to take off in God's good timing. ...and pray about it. The Lord hears your prayers also. Hugs. :)

As for how will you know, well the brother will eventually express his heart to you should he want to be more involved with you. That's normal also, and it usually happens when you least expect it. :D

Now, if months after months go by and he's like, out to lunch just friendly with you, then I'd keep my distance from him because that wouldn't be normal anymore. You need to trust the Lord in all that you think, say and do. :)

 
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secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#13
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#13
The best is ask him?

If it is not asked, have you told him what your dreams are (or could be)?

You´re not plewnty of years, now.

If you have children, how do they feel about your dreams (and needs)?

Do they have to make some adjustments if YOU get married? (You said you were married for 13 years, so they´re not ready to leave you, unless their dad took them with him).
 
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just_monicat

Senior Member
#14
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#14
BananaPie said:
Well, there are two thoughts on that:

a) let the brother lead, or b) be a feminist and take control over the relationship.

I belong to the conservative side in which we women agree that the brethren are to lead including when befriending one another. From that perspective, it would be improper to ask the brother for favor, let alone hint about having feelings for you.

That's how godly women exercise patience and exercise a prayer life by bringing our wants and desires to the foot of the cross. In the meantime, it's proper for godly men to seek the Lord in prayer not only for their hearts, but also for the heart (yours) they are to lead in God's favor. :)

Give the brother time as you enjoy his company, and allow the relationship to take off in God's good timing. ...and pray about it. The Lord hears your prayers also. Hugs. :)

As for how will you know, well the brother will eventually express his heart to you should he want to be more involved with you. That's normal also, and it usually happens when you least expect it. :D

Now, if months after months go by and he's like, out to lunch just friendly with you, then I'd keep my distance from him because that wouldn't be normal anymore. You need to trust the Lord in all that you think, say and do. :)
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i''m a bit curious as to why you might find there are only two conclusive directions to take when one might be seeking clarity in a relationship.

i think the spirit and words chose in such a conversation leaves much more than what you have provided for. in this case, this is a woman who has spent a great deal of time with him, and from all appearances, he already has taken many steps down a path that presumably he is not being led to do.

at this point in the relationship, with as much time and "miles" on the relationship and feelings becoming involved, i fail to understand how an honest conversation automatically makes one a feminist, attempting to hijack the relationship, or acting less than "how a Godly woman acts".

please correct me if i've misunderstood your words/intent. thanks . :)
 
B

BananaPie

Guest
#15
#15
just_monicat said:
i''m a bit curious as to why you might find there are only two conclusive directions to take when one might be seeking clarity in a relationship.

...i fail to understand how an honest conversation automatically makes one a feminist,...
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As women, we have two choices:
1) to take the lead and control the relationship, or
2) allow God to control one's heart by not yielding to a one-sided relationship.

As long as the man is not providing clean-cut, well understood intension of his heart, it's not up to the women to decide for him, neither inquire what are the intensions of his heart. He is still functioning in "friend mode" and we should give him his space.

AS for the feminist comment, it's understood among the feminist that women should take control of anything they can get their hands on including men. Well, that is contrary to what the Bible teaches, but that's a horse of a different color for this thread.

Beside, I'm speaking from a conservative perspective. :D
 
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Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#16
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#16
Why doesn't she just reciprocate what he is doing in the relationship?

It doesn't have to be about labels and titles.
 
J

just_monicat

Senior Member
#18
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#18
BananaPie said:
As women, we have two choices:
1) to take the lead and control the relationship, or
2) allow God to control one's heart by not yielding to a one-sided relationship.

As long as the man is not providing clean-cut, well understood intension of his heart, it's not up to the women to decide for him, neither inquire what are the intensions of his heart. He is still functioning in "friend mode" and we should give him his space.

AS for the feminist comment, it's understood among the feminist that women should take control of anything they can get their hands on including men. Well, that is contrary to what the Bible teaches, but that's a horse of a different color for this thread.

Beside, I'm speaking from a conservative perspective. :D
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this is a tough one for me. there are so many details and wrinkles to a situation such as this that can also play a role in things like this, things we don't have access to to in such in a circumstance such as this.

having re-read the original post again, i'm not sure whether i agree with you. but i don't entirely disagree either. at the end of the day, she's got nothing to lose by saying nothing and waiting to see how things transpire, considering that she has feelings for him.

thanks for taking the time to clarify, bp.
 
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BananaPie

Guest
#19
#19
Well, perhaps this is how we learn from one another to iron out our wrinkles and polish our edges?

Would you agree that all godly relationships between a brother and a sister have roughly 4 general stages: 1. Friendship stage; 2. Courtship; 3. Engagement stage; 4. Marriage?

Would you agree that between a brother and a sister in the Lord there should always be an ethical understanding of what the two mean to each other? We all understand "would you marry me?", right? ...that's when an engagement ring is provided by the brother to the sister. Well, why then should saints be vague before the engagement ring?

Would you agree that we are to guard our hearts because we have no right to decide over the heart of another saint to correspond to whatever love we may think we have for that saint?

I've seen this happen over and time again in which a brother (or sister) falls in love without being corresponded, and then that brother (or sister) becomes depressed, upset, heartbroken, etc. I've even seen this stuff turn into infatuation long after the saint has married somebody else.

So, where is God in our lives when all this entanglement of the heart is happening? I'll pause here to learn from your thoughts. :)
 
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BananaPie

Guest
#20
#20
BTW, the OP has done nothing wrong in the relationship described. It's almost admirable that for a new believer, she is composing herself honorably as well. ...just saying. :)
 
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