Things going through my crazy mind tonight...
I'm annoyed that I feel lonely. It's nothing new, as of late, but it's bugging me because I Like being alone. I don't want to give my time and energy to anybody. I don't want to share my space with them. I don't want anyone asking anything of me. So why do I crave company? It's not fair to want someone to just be around, when I have no desire to give back in any way. Right now, I don't have anything TO give. I think sometimes I just get tired of the silence.
I talked to my one girl friend who isn't really a friend, and she actually sort of listened to me tonight. I tried to explain the lonely feeling, and her advice? "So be with somebody. You need a boyfriend."
Riiiight...a couple of things about that...
1. No.
2. I can't even imagine feeling anything for anyone beyond just appreciating that they may be attractive, or witty, or whatever other quality it may be.
3. No.
4. I've been scary-crazy far too often in front of evvvverybody in my life, both in person and online, for anyone to even approach me that way (except that one guy on the swings...but he doesn't count because he hasn't seen me fall apart every other day). I'm surrounded by orange cones right now, holding a sign that says Hazard Zone. It's kind of neat.
5. No.
I hate that any of this is even on my mind currently. Of course it's not always there, but the very idea of any future romantic anything makes my head spin and I start freaking out a little.
I tried to explain that to my friend. I think it came out as gibberish, because she just said she had to go and hung up.
Maybe it's just this vast, unknown future stretching out before me that's got me all sick to my stomach. Maybe I inhaled a moth or something. I need to install an off switch for my mind. It's way too hot in here. It would help if my mom would stop trying to comfort me by saying that after my divorce is final, I'll meet a nice man and get married again.That's not comforting, it's terrifying.