Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For You?

[MyLighthouse]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

How about the rest of you? Do you ever feel intimidated by the threads that talk about what men and women are looking for? Do you feel like someone will come looking for you someday? And how does it also affect your own list of what you are looking for in another person?

Do you feel there is line, and what is it, between being realistic and finally having to "settle"? If so, what is that line?

This reminds me of the conversation my grandmother gave me before leaving college. She said something like this, "If you find someone(or vice versa), make sure they believe what you believe." With that I made a quick list in my head:
1. Keeps the Sabbath (not Sunday)
2. Believe in One God and Father of all, and One Lord Jesus Christ the Messiah (not Trinitarian, Oneness, Binitarian or what ever else -itarian)
3. Believes in the post-rapture
4. Believes in holiness
I stop there and laughed saying, "Well I'm never getting married. There's no person that believes what I believe, yet alone some guy." I never taught about being or seeking a relationship sense. That's a lifetimes work and I would feel sorry for the guy that would look for me and I completely understand if he's not because I'm not, haha.

Anyways, I feel people think too much of their selves when it comes to the list. "I want this...I like this...I need this.." What about your potential partner? I understand having standards but many go too far, like to Far Far Away, or Wonderland, or Never land far. Most want the typical fairytale (Cinderella), but maybe you were meant to be someone's Beauty (Beauty and the Beast). You might be the one they need. You should never settle for anything, but I don't think you should only consider yourself in the situation.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

I usually consider these lists as an expression of what people want in their partners. I do read them and evaluate myself against some lists to help me realize where I am good and where I need to improve. I don't mean to be a conformist but it's good to identify areas where you can improve and become better.

Some lists make me feel good about myself, knowing that there are people out there who value what I value. Some other lists make me feel a tinge of sadness when I see that I am probably not even close to what they want. Overall, I look at these lists from an analytical perspective - it helps me to understand what's good about me and what's not.

 

[Ugly]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

If i think on it, it can be intimidating. But lately i have come to realize that the last time i remember that someone liked me because of who i am (or was) was when i was 17. Since then i'm not sure that anyone has had a real interest in me as a person, but rather in what they feel they can get from me. And once they have gotten from me what they needed at that time, they leave. So, yeah, in 20 years, i can't think of one relationship i've been in where the persons motivations was a true interest in me.
So, really, when i think about if i fit onto someone elses 'list' or not, it's irrelevant, as i have now been so broken and used in this area of my life that, even in the unlikelihood anyone were actually be foolish enough to feel that way towards me genuinely, i don't think i am capable of believing it any longer.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

If i think on it, it can be intimidating. But lately i have come to realize that the last time i remember that someone liked me because of who i am (or was) was when i was 17. Since then i'm not sure that anyone has had a real interest in me as a person, but rather in what they feel they can get from me. And once they have gotten from me what they needed at that time, they leave. So, yeah, in 20 years, i can't think of one relationship i've been in where the persons motivations was a true interest in me.
So, really, when i think about if i fit onto someone elses 'list' or not, it's irrelevant, as i have now been so broken and used in this area of my life that, even in the unlikelihood anyone were actually be foolish enough to feel that way towards me genuinely, i don't think i am capable of believing it any longer.

Perhaps you are attracting the wrong type of women. You are a helper and a giver, which is going to attract takers and needy people by default.

 

[hoss2576]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Perhaps you are attracting the wrong type of women. You are a helper and a giver, which is going to attract takers and needy people by default.

I have been told I am a helper and a giver, and my girlfriend is far from needy or a taker. At times we may attract a certain kind of person, but it is always our choice to date them.

 

[Ugly]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

I have been told I am a helper and a giver, and my girlfriend is far from needy or a taker. At times we may attract a certain kind of person, but it is always our choice to date them.

Yes, the same response i always hear, "It's your fault". Of course, it's only your fault if you see it before hand. I'm well aware that my choices are my responsibility, but over time hearing the echoes of "it's your fault" become wearing and draining as well. Especially in light of the fact that i've known it long ago. So, thank you for adding yet another straw to my back.

Perhaps you are attracting the wrong type of women. You are a helper and a giver, which is going to attract takers and needy people by default.

People ask me 'why don't you pick someone that's not like that?', as if it's something i do on purpose. But if that's all that i attract how am i supposed to pick another type of person? The truth is even the people i've dated haven't been really attracted to me, it seems. And yet 'normal' people (for lack of a better word) are not either. So this leads me to the conclusion that people in need become infatuated with me, not attracted to me. And anyone else doesn't even get that far. So that simply ends whether or not it's my fault, as so many are quick to suggest. There is only one conclusion left. Which i am now being forced to accept.

 

[hoss2576]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Yes, the same response i always hear, "It's your fault". Of course, it's only your fault if you see it before hand. I'm well aware that my choices are my responsibility, but over time hearing the echoes of "it's your fault" become wearing and draining as well. Especially in light of the fact that i've known it long ago. So, thank you for adding yet another straw to my back.

If you want to throw it on your back, that is your decision to make. I said it is your choice, at no point did I assign fault. Absolutely, there are times when you don't know until later the type of person you are dating. That is when you end the relationship, re-evaluate your situation, and move on. Part of my original point was that as a giving/helping person, you can attract more than just takers/needy people.

 

[Ugly]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

If you want to throw it on your back, that is your decision to make. I said it is your choice, at no point did I assign fault. Absolutely, there are times when you don't know until later the type of person you are dating. That is when you end the relationship, re-evaluate your situation, and move on. Part of my original point was that as a giving/helping person, you can attract more than just takers/needy people.

That's exactly what i expected you to say.

 

[Lynx]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

wisebeardman how did you hack Ugly's account and will you please give it back to him?

 

[Ugly]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Always good to know that coming here and opening up, something people tell me i should do more on here, has resulted in criticism and mockery. Guess i was better off keeping things to myself. Thanks for the reminder, guys.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Always good to know that coming here and opening up, something people tell me i should do more on here, has resulted in criticism and mockery. Guess i was better off keeping things to myself. Thanks for the reminder, guys.

I truly believe hoss' and grace's posts were a far cry from criticism, and that Lynx's post was only idle banter.

That's tragic that people have been fickle with you. Truly, I hope you don't have to continue enduring that.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Perhaps you are attracting the wrong type of women. You are a helper and a giver, which is going to attract takers and needy people by default.

Just to clarify, though I think Ugly himself understood my post... I didn't say he chose needy people. Just that they are the ones who tend to surround him. I can offer no solution. But I can sympathize because I kind of know the struggle. I am drawn toward hurting people. Or, I used to be. I think my shell is hardening a bit. Not sure if that's good or bad.

 

[Fenner]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

If i think on it, it can be intimidating. But lately i have come to realize that the last time i remember that someone liked me because of who i am (or was) was when i was 17. Since then i'm not sure that anyone has had a real interest in me as a person, but rather in what they feel they can get from me. And once they have gotten from me what they needed at that time, they leave. So, yeah, in 20 years, i can't think of one relationship i've been in where the persons motivations was a true interest in me.
So, really, when i think about if i fit onto someone elses 'list' or not, it's irrelevant, as i have now been so broken and used in this area of my life that, even in the unlikelihood anyone were actually be foolish enough to feel that way towards me genuinely, i don't think i am capable of believing it any longer.

I know I'm married but I understand what you're saying. It took me a long time to really believe that everything with my Husband was true and real. I know that sounds strange but I was so used to people leaving that I was almost sure he'd be a person that left once he was tired of the relationship. It took me a very long time to get over that, luckily he was patient. It's a really difficult situation to be in.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Just to clarify, though I think Ugly himself understood my post... I didn't say he chose needy people. Just that they are the ones who tend to surround him. I can offer no solution. But I can sympathize because I kind of know the struggle. I am drawn toward hurting people. Or, I used to be. I think my shell is hardening a bit. Not sure if that's good or bad.

I think I tend to be someone like that too, and I think it is important to have boundaries in place and also to be able to dish out tough love at appropriate times. I think it's easy to just give and give without thinking about it, but really the best way to give is where you are intentionally giving to somebody else what you know you want to give them and you are less likely to give something that you wish you hadn't or give in a way that isn't sustainable for you.

And as far as people taking and taking and then leaving, that sucks. It really sucks to realize that you've been used for an extended period of time. It's happened to me before. And I know that it hurts at some times more than others. I think, though, that you really have to try taking a look at the positive side of things in the aftermath. It's not your fault that the other person used you, and it says a lot about you that you would give so generously to another person in terms of your time, affection, money, prayer, affirmation, encouragement, etc. It means that God has given you a heart of compassion for other people, and that is a serious treasure.

I think once you can work through the hurt of that kind of a breakup, you can be left with some real encouragement about what God has done and is doing in your heart. And even though things did not turn out well for you, you can still know that you were a help and a blessing to someone in a time when they probably really needed it. And of course you can learn things from that past experience and apply what you've learned to future experiences. I think if you can grab hold of any of these more positive things, you can really take what someone intended for evil and allow God to use it for good.

 

[hoss2576]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Always good to know that coming here and opening up, something people tell me i should do more on here, has resulted in criticism and mockery. Guess i was better off keeping things to myself. Thanks for the reminder, guys.

pot meet kettle

 

[seoulsearch]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

I had long debated on whether or not I should even anything, because 9 1/2 times out of 10 I usually don't.

But in this case, I would like to say something, and I'm guessing, Ugly, that you won't see it anyway because I know that in another thread you blatantly stated that I am one of the 60+ people on your Ignore List.

That doesn't bother me. As I said before, on some days, I consider it to be an honor because they you won't criticize me as much as I've seen you tear into other people.

But what I would like to say is that I always see a trend with your posts. Your biggest concern here often seems to be "keeping people in line". I have seen many people, often those who are new to this site and unfamiliar with its workings, post deeply personal and sometimes painful information, hoping for support. But your answers, almost always, are more concerned with the fact that they posted in the wrong area of the forum, are advertising for a date, or are doing things that are somehow violations (or perceived violations) of the site rules. I have also seen many of your posts in which you tell people that the pain they are suffering is due to their own poor choices, and only they have control over that.

Now, first of all, I agree that keeping order is important--but is that not what we have moderators for? I've often seen people write a post revealing a deep and cutting hurt--with your response pretty much being, "Don't post it here, Stupid! Can't you see it's supposed to be in the ..... Forum instead?"

I have also often then in turn seen you complain about fallouts with others, as well as prayer for yourself and your own physical and medical needs. I understand that you have been through a lot yourself, and I am truly sorry for that.

But the way to reap compassion, prayer, and understanding... is to first begin to sow it yourself.

I understand that sometimes there is a need to "say it like it is"--that's what I'm doing right here.

But if you can't temper and balance that with basic human consideration and a little more compassion on people who are just starting here, why are you so surprised to receive blunt answers that feel devoid of emotion when you present your own problems?

 

[tourist]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

I had long debated on whether or not I should even anything, because 9 1/2 times out of 10 I usually don't.

But in this case, I would like to say something, and I'm guessing, Ugly, that you won't see it anyway because I know that in another thread you blatantly stated that I am one of the 60+ people on your Ignore List.

That doesn't bother me. As I said before, on some days, I consider it to be an honor because they you won't criticize me as much as I've seen you tear into other people.

But what I would like to say is that I always see a trend with your posts. Your biggest concern here often seems to be "keeping people in line". I have seen many people, often those who are new to this site and unfamiliar with its workings, post deeply personal and sometimes painful information, hoping for support. But your answers, almost always, are more concerned with the fact that they posted in the wrong area of the forum, are advertising for a date, or are doing things that are somehow violations (or perceived violations) of the site rules. I have also seen many of your posts in which you tell people that the pain they are suffering is due to their own poor choices, and only they have control over that.

Now, first of all, I agree that keeping order is important--but is that not what we have moderators for? I've often seen people write a post revealing a deep and cutting hurt--with your response pretty much being, "Don't post it here, Stupid! Can't you see it's supposed to be in the ..... Forum instead?"

I have also often then in turn seen you complain about fallouts with others, as well as prayer for yourself and your own physical and medical needs. I understand that you have been through a lot yourself, and I am truly sorry for that.

But the way to reap compassion, prayer, and understanding... is to first begin to sow it yourself.

I understand that sometimes there is a need to "say it like it is"--that's what I'm doing right here.

But if you can't temper and balance that with basic human consideration and a little more compassion on people who are just starting here, why are you so surprised to receive blunt answers that feel devoid of emotion when you present your own problems?

Absolutely outstanding post.

 

[tourist]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Just to clarify, though I think Ugly himself understood my post... I didn't say he chose needy people. Just that they are the ones who tend to surround him. I can offer no solution. But I can sympathize because I kind of know the struggle. I am drawn toward hurting people. Or, I used to be. I think my shell is hardening a bit. Not sure if that's good or bad.

Perhaps it is necessary.

 

[wisebeardman]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

wisebeardman how did you hack Ugly's account and will you please give it back to him?

nyet, I wouldn't do such a thing. I believe you are trying to be funny, but its sorta insulting plus the fact of hacking someones account would violate state and federal laws.

 

[Lynx]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Yes wisebeardman, it was a joke - notice I never claimed it was a GOOD joke, but it was in fact intended as a joke of sorts, predicated on the observation that Ugly was beginning to sound a lot like you.