Losing kids to wife's new "girlfriend"

[CarterDanses]

I have posted my dilemma on other forums but was met with mostly sarcastic remarks. The serious answers mostly harmed the situation instead of helping. My religion is very important to me but I have avoided mentioning it in my posts in fear of being called a bigot. I thought this place would be good to post my situation and receive helpful and mature comments from people who will understand my point of view.

My original post:
Four months ago my wife of 9 years cheated on me with a woman. My initial reaction was lashing out, we have 3 kids together and I couldn't believe she would just throw away our relationship like that.

I tried my hardest to get her back but she wasn't having any of it so I just gave up. I can't compete with the woman she cheated on me with and it makes me feel pathetic. She was an artillery soldier for a while and is now a firefighter. My 10 year old son has met her numerous times and really looks up her, she makes me feel like less of a man and I hate it.



Yesterday my two younger children came home from visiting their mom and instead of calling the woman by her name they called her "ma". They have only known her for a short while and they already see her as their mother. I never wanted them to raise my kids and I honestly don't agree with two women raising kids but there is nothing I can do about that. I am also still in love with my wife. I tried going on dates but I can't find someone like my wife. She was perfect and no one can come close to her. I always find myself checking her Facebook page scrolling through pictures of her and her new "girlfriend" with my kids. I feel as if this new woman has taken over their minds, they no longer eat meat or animal products because of her and I asked them if they wanted to go to the zoo when the weather gets better, they told me that zoos were bad and they should go to a sanctuary(what the ****).



My daughter is also getting a lot more active, which is great but she says she wants to be a soldier, firefighter or police officer when she grows up. She is young and could easily change her mind but no one wants to think about their daughter getting deployed. They also said that they wanted to spend next Christmas with their mom. I feel as if I am quickly losing my kids, if this is what it is like after four months what will happen as time goes on. What would you do in my situation?*

Update #1
I wouldn't get custody. There is no point of me putting up a fight. My wife knows things nobody else knows and she can use it against me. I would just end up wasting my time and money, I could even lose my job

Update#2
It really [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed me off how she is this bad ass ex soldier in my kid's eyes and I'm just a security guard. My wife makes more than me as well so they always buy my kids **** that I can't afford

Update#3
My parents weren't well off but I still loved them and they were great role models. My problem is that my son has absolutely no interest in doing the things we used to. He doesnt want to work out with me because she does it better. If I want to watch a movie with him he tells me he already saw it with her. He is the only one who hasn't called her his mother yet but he seems to be the closest to her. He seems miserable when he's with me.

Update#4
I told my son about my point of view and he apologized. He also said that he wants to live with his mom and her girlfriend. He says it feels like a "proper" family when he is there and continued to go on about how ****ing amazing this woman is.

I also talked to both of my younger kids and they want to live there too. My ex and her girlfriend get them on the weekends but my kids want to stay there for longer periods of time. How the **** do I make that work?

Update#5
They always take him and the other kids for family outings. There are also two other kids that live there and I guess he likes the big family vibe he gets when he's at their house. He told me that they feel like his "true" parents and family.*

He never said I don't feel like his dad but I guess that's where he was going

Update#6
Thing is, he doesn't want me to do anything with him anymore. He used to play football and I practiced with him but now he plays basketball because SHE plays basketball and only she can practice with him. He won't play any sports with me or even work out with me anymore.

I talked to him again and asked him for a sceond time why he wanted to move in with his mom. He said he wanted to wake up in the morning with all his siblings and his two mom's, it just feels like home. I asked him what about his dad and he just ignored me pretending he was talking to his friends on his xbox. That was the first time he reffered to this woman as "mom" and it's kinda freaking me out to be honest.


Sorry for the long post and the swearing. I was really angry when typing that out and I just copied and pasted everything from the the other forum.

 

[Vigil]

I am sorry to hear this and I empathize. My situation is not that similar to yours, but my mom is a "lesbian" and I was raised by women. As time progressed and I grew up, the environment with my other "mom" became toxic, and I am now estranged with her though I might be working my way towards forgiveness of her.

Regardless my mother recently has been trying to turn away from that life, and she has been conflicted in this, but thinks its the right thing. She has many friends like this, and all of them seem to have lives filled with drama and problems, and these relationships rarely last longer than 10 years and typically end sourly according to my mother. (Take some hope in that.)

I know its terrible to feel usurped of your position, to lose your wife to another woman, and now to have your kids seemingly choosing her over you. Be patient with them, try not to let your frustration at the situation dictate your relationship with your kids, talk to them and maybe even tell them how you feel. Speak with God and ask for grace and mercy, and take heart that you are still doing the right thing. I don't think you are a bigot either, I think you are casualty of the breakdown of the family, but fight for it, not literally but spiritually, in the end you are the one doing the right thing... I will pray for you and God-bless.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Ask God to take control of this situation. He will deal with your wife and her gf.. Also, watch your swearing on here..it'll get you banned.

 

[Vigil]

Also consider praying for her and your wife that they find the lord.

 

[mystikmind]

I'm going through a divorce myself, we have a 3 year old daughter. My wife kept telling me she wanted an amicable parental relationship, but as it turns out, what that really meant by that was;; she has total control and i am the one who has to be 'amicable' to that!

But here is the best advice i can give you, and it is something that keeps popping into my own head for my situation too....
Do you know what a Chinese finger puzzle is? It is designed to teach you that the more you try to force something, the worse the situation gets.

Let me say that again.... the more you try to force something, the worse the situation gets.

You are only harming yourself with all the negative thoughts, i went through that too, and in the midst of my deepest darkness God sent me a message, he said "love thy enemy". I new immediately what that meant, not that my wife is my enemy, it means that if i am to love my enemy, then so much easier it should be to love those who hurt me but are not my enemy. This is a very powerful message, it really helped me come out of my depressive negative way of thinking, praise the Lord!

You defeat this Chinese finger puzzle with love! (and that includes the girlfriend)

 

[MultilingualMessenger]

I sympathize with your situation. I am actually upset and infuriated on your behalf. Stepping into someone else's marriage is evil, stepping out of one's own marriage is evil, and turning one's children against them is evil. I'm really disgusted right now.

Your kids will learn that another mom, no matter how butch and burly, doesn't replace their dad. Your wife will learn that she made a huge mistake in betraying your marriage. We don't know how much time it will take for them to learn these things though. I'd have to echo Vigil and say be patient with them, and continue to be there for your children like you are. It will be hard, but they will have nothing to say against you if you were always there for them despite their betrayal. They will miss you in time. This lady is shiny and new, but this too shall pass; she will get old and they will come running back to you and realize they should have never forsaken you.

I will pray for you and your family, that you all will come back together and not allow another person to intrude and split you all like that. And that you will have peace in your heart.

Also, about being a bigot: people will always call you a bigot whenever you don't eat any old rotten thing they try to feed you. Especially if you're Christian. Pay no mind.

 

[CarterDanses]

I sympathize with your situation. I am actually upset and infuriated on your behalf. Stepping into someone else's marriage is evil, stepping out of one's own marriage is evil, and turning one's children against them is evil. I'm really disgusted right now.

Your kids will learn that another mom, no matter how butch and burly, doesn't replace their dad. Your wife will learn that she made a huge mistake in betraying your marriage. We don't know how much time it will take for them to learn these things though. I'd have to echo Vigil and say be patient with them, and continue to be there for your children like you are. It will be hard, but they will have nothing to say against you if you were always there for them despite their betrayal. They will miss you in time. This lady is shiny and new, but this too shall pass; she will get old and they will come running back to you and realize they should have never forsaken you.

I will pray for you and your family, that you all will come back together and not allow another person to intrude and split you all like that. And that you will have peace in your heart.

Also, about being a bigot: people will always call you a bigot whenever you don't eat any old rotten thing they try to feed you. Especially if you're Christian. Pay no mind.

I had another chat with my son, he said that she isn't replacing me but just wants to live with her instead. He said I'll always be his dad but he also has two mom's now and that they are also important, he also said that he doesn't have to live with me to still "hang out".

I also wouldn't consider the woman "butch ", she is actually really pretty and I think that makes me much more upset and I would rather her be butch and burly maybe then I wouldn't feel so inadequate.

I wish I believed that one day she will learn but we live in a very liberal town in Canada and I can never see her changing her mind about women. There is also nothing I can do about my son as I cannot bring this to court and he can up and leave if he wants. If he goes my other kids will want to follow and I'll be left alone while they raise my children.

They are very liberal and my youngest son is quite feminine. He wants to take ballet classes and singing lessons, I was thinking about this singing lesson but said no to the ballet but my ex and her new gf want to enroll him in ballet classes anyway. The only reason he is not in ballet classes is because he is with me most of the time but if he lived with them he will be brainwashed.

 

[mystikmind]

I had another chat with my son, he said that she isn't replacing me but just wants to live with her instead. He said I'll always be his dad but he also has two mom's now and that they are also important, he also said that he doesn't have to live with me to still "hang out".

I also wouldn't consider the woman "butch ", she is actually really pretty and I think that makes me much more upset and I would rather her be butch and burly maybe then I wouldn't feel so inadequate.

I wish I believed that one day she will learn but we live in a very liberal town in Canada and I can never see her changing her mind about women. There is also nothing I can do about my son as I cannot bring this to court and he can up and leave if he wants. If he goes my other kids will want to follow and I'll be left alone while they raise my children.

They are very liberal and my youngest son is quite feminine. He wants to take ballet classes and singing lessons, I was thinking about this singing lesson but said no to the ballet but my ex and her new gf want to enroll him in ballet classes anyway. The only reason he is not in ballet classes is because he is with me most of the time but if he lived with them he will be brainwashed.

With regard to letting your son do ballet classes - again, remember the Chinese finger puzzle, let him do it. With matters of faith, speak softly, speak with love, ask them gently that you would prefer he does not do it, but if they say no, you will allow it.

 

[MultilingualMessenger]

I had another chat with my son, he said that she isn't replacing me but just wants to live with her instead. He said I'll always be his dad but he also has two mom's now and that they are also important, he also said that he doesn't have to live with me to still "hang out".

I also wouldn't consider the woman "butch ", she is actually really pretty and I think that makes me much more upset and I would rather her be butch and burly maybe then I wouldn't feel so inadequate.

I wish I believed that one day she will learn but we live in a very liberal town in Canada and I can never see her changing her mind about women. There is also nothing I can do about my son as I cannot bring this to court and he can up and leave if he wants. If he goes my other kids will want to follow and I'll be left alone while they raise my children.

They are very liberal and my youngest son is quite feminine. He wants to take ballet classes and singing lessons, I was thinking about this singing lesson but said no to the ballet but my ex and her new gf want to enroll him in ballet classes anyway. The only reason he is not in ballet classes is because he is with me most of the time but if he lived with them he will be brainwashed.

I see you're in a tough place. Living where you are, your children and wife probably are already brainwashed to a certain extent. Enough to see this relationship and broken family situation as acceptable at least. That sounds frustrating. But even in this very liberal town in Canada, nothing is beyond God. Is your wife Christian? If not, I will pray that she finds the Lord and in the meantime, that the ways of her and her gf do not badly influence your children. If she is, I pray that the Holy Spirit in her convicts her of sin so that she will repent and make things right.

In the meantime, whatever time they are willing to spend with you, spend that time, like you are doing right now and though it will be hard to do this, don't spend any more than they are willing. Because it will probably make them resent you, unfair as it is. Because even God doesn't force Himself on people (I'm not suggesting that you are, btw. Just that they may take it that way, especially in a place where all things liberal, loose and lawless are gold and everyone else just wants to tell them how to live).

This one's tough. Ask the Lord for patience, wisdom, and guidance in this situation. I would also advise you to learn how to strip the enemy of his power, as Satan tends to attack families and prey on children. We as Christians, endowed with the Spirit of God, have dominion over darkness.

 

[BibleReader]

The inadequacies you feel can be solved. Our ultimate role model should always be Jesus Christ. Look to His lessons, remember the things taught to His followers, the example He gave for others.

I was never very good at sports as a kid, and could have used a different outlet back in the day. Your son wanting to do ballet might be out of your wheelhouse, but it might be good for him. Who knows? Learning to relate to your children has nothing to do with that other woman, in my most humble opinion. They have minds of their own and everyone wants to enjoy life in their own way. Its not all about you vs this woman. Its about you being the best father you can be.

 

[CarterDanses]

I see you're in a tough place. Living where you are, your children and wife probably are already brainwashed to a certain extent. Enough to see this relationship and broken family situation as acceptable at least. That sounds frustrating. But even in this very liberal town in Canada, nothing is beyond God. Is your wife Christian? If not, I will pray that she finds the Lord and in the meantime, that the ways of her and her gf do not badly influence your children. If she is, I pray that the Holy Spirit in her convicts her of sin so that she will repent and make things right.

In the meantime, whatever time they are willing to spend with you, spend that time, like you are doing right now and though it will be hard to do this, don't spend any more than they are willing. Because it will probably make them resent you, unfair as it is. Because even God doesn't force Himself on people (I'm not suggesting that you are, btw. Just that they may take it that way, especially in a place where all things liberal, loose and lawless are gold and everyone else just wants to tell them how to live).

This one's tough. Ask the Lord for patience, wisdom, and guidance in this situation. I would also advise you to learn how to strip the enemy of his power, as Satan tends to attack families and prey on children. We as Christians, endowed with the Spirit of God, have dominion over darkness.

My wife is no longer a Christian. The woman she is with is a very strong atheist and that just adds something to the list of things to worry about. My kids arent atheists (yet) but they don't come to church with me anymore and this woman has a very strong influence on them (she made them vegan). I guess I don't really have any options, that kinda makes me feel hopeless and I have been questioning my faith rrecently. Why do I have to be put in a situation like this? A woman that is ten times better than me just swoops in and takes everything...

 

[MultilingualMessenger]

My wife is no longer a Christian. The woman she is with is a very strong atheist and that just adds something to the list of things to worry about. My kids arent atheists (yet) but they don't come to church with me anymore and this woman has a very strong influence on them (she made them vegan). I guess I don't really have any options, that kinda makes me feel hopeless and I have been questioning my faith rrecently. Why do I have to be put in a situation like this? A woman that is ten times better than me just swoops in and takes everything...

Gay atheists in a lawless town--sounds like a recipe for disorder and destruction.

The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But when he comes, he looks appealing, otherwise people wouldn't be deceived. They are deceived by the devil. That other lady is not better than you. Like I said, she is just shiny and new to them. Those living by the flesh are drawn to others living by the flesh. And sometimes the devil uses unfortunate and painful circumstances such as these to make faithful Christians living by the spirit question their faith. Do not give in to it. Stay faithful, because God is faithful. God's will always comes to pass, no matter the attack on it and His people.

Keep praying for them. They may come out of their deception, or they may choose by an act of their own will to continue to reject God and go their own way, which leads to eternal death in the end. It's their choice. Nothing they do and none of this is any fault of your own. Sometimes the circumstances we're in are to teach us to have patience, grace, and to love from a distance, and sometimes those lessons seem to be the only good to come out of the situation; God can make good out of bad if you let Him. You may feel you have no options but God is never empty-handed.

I can hear your pain in what you write. I'm sorry man, I really am. I'm in your corner though, as well as everyone here who is praying for you. And there's no pain that Jesus can't feel. He's with you too.

 

[AngelFrog]

I see your Canadian flag there. Do you know what the laws in Canada , your province, say about gay marriage?

Your wife committed adultery during the marriage and with a woman. That might help you out. Don't feel bad about not being able to compete with her girlfriend. There's no comparison. Your wife betrayed her vows, she abandoned God, and now she's riding to Hell with an atheist and sadly hopes to influence your children on the ride there.

All we can do is give you advice and hold you in our prayers. You're better off getting a barrister and getting their advice. God will deal with this. Sadly, your children have to be there to watch whatever happens.

 

[Deliver]

I agree. Think of the Prodigal Son situation. The father let his son go, although it must have broken his heart.
But after awhile, the son remembered home and his father and he must have known - TRUSTED - his fathers love for him.
It's the same for us as Christians. When we go through suffering, we need to get to a place where we KNOW God has our best interests in mind. Until we reach that level of trust, we keep getting 'tried'. And even after!
We need to realise and know within ourselves that God loves us more than anyone in the entire universe, and with a love like that, you need to trust that nothing is impossible.
God specifically wants us to know that nothing is out of His control. He made sure the writers of the Bible would not leave out specific examples of situations that looked hopeless and where He turned it all around. He showed that when He had something planned, He ALLOWS things to happen. Think of 2 Chronicles 18:18-22.
18Again he said, Therefore hear the word of the LORD; I saw the LORD sitting upon his throne, and all the host of heaven standing on his right hand and on his left. 19And the LORD said, Who shall entice Ahab king of Israel, that he may go up and fall at Ramothgilead? And one spake saying after this manner, and another saying after that manner. 20Then there came out a spirit, and stood before the LORD, and said, I will entice him. And the LORD said unto him, Wherewith? 21And he said, I will go out, and be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets. And the LORD said, Thou shalt entice him, and thou shalt also prevail: go out, and do even so. 22Now therefore, behold, the LORD hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of these thy prophets, and the LORD hath spoken evil against thee

It shows that God can do anything, use anything, is in control of EVERYTHING and has a purpose for everything. Put your trust in God about your situation and future. He has a plan for your future, for your children's and for your wife. There is nothing too hard for God and I know it's hard but look at the big picture. There is a big God out there who can see the future. He saw the future when you married your wife. He knew what was up ahead. And He knows now what is up ahead so give it all to Him and stop carrying this load by yourself.

 

[soccermom19]

I am so sorry for your situation. Your only solution is God.
You need to attend a good Christian church, if you don't already. And you need to insist that the kids attend too. Let their Mom have them on Fridays and Saturdays so you can have them on Sunday's and take them to church. Live as a good Christian example to your children and try to remember that this is new and hard for them too.
Pray, pray, and pray some more. Let God take care of things. Have faith that God will take care of everything.
God Bless you!
I am praying for your family.

 

[presidente]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about this nightmare situation, of a situation where your kids are being raised by lesbians. If I were in that situation, I'd be teaching my kids that God is against homosexual relationships, that it's sinful, to love their mother, but that she's in sin and deceived. I already teach my kids against sexual immorality, including homosexuality. And I don't have any fear that my wife would go in that direction, since she's very opposed to that.

I've heard that lesbian relationships have the highest chance of having domestic violence of any other type of relationship. That doesn't mean theirs will. I've also read that girls, in particular, according to Family Research Council research, have a much higher chance of turning out lesbian if raised by lesbians. When the kids are with you, maybe you could take them to church and teach you the truth.

If it were me, I'd constantly be praying for a better job and praying for higher-paying opportunities. I'd also pray for a judge with good morals, common human decency, and a Biblical world view. There have to be judges out there with the good sense not to give custody to a lesbian couple when there is a normal father in the picture and a choice between the two parents.

Children need a father's influence. I've heard researched presented that children raised with fathers tend to have more empathy, probably because fathers tend to set firmer boundaries and confront children. When they aren't in the home of the father, it makes it hard for the father to set boundaries for the kids.

I wonder if you could find some kind of Christian legal organization that would fight on your behalf without charging you if they are against primary custody being given to lesbians.

 

[Vigil]

Read Job I think its appropriate to your situation. I forgot to mention a similar thing actually happened to my fav uncle, and his son was estranged with him for a long time afterwards, but he eventually came back to him, and his ex is now miserable and stuck with a butchy drug-user in her house who hates her son. It may seem like sunshine and "rainbows" for them now, but God does not like ugly, and you will be vindicated. As for you son, well I wanted to play the flute when I was younger and some people thought that was effeminate. I actually lost interest in it very quickly. Your son might just be exploring but I understand your concerns considering the situation. If its anymore consolation I will say that what your wife has done is not just sinful its also painfully silly, selling her birthright for a bowl of stew. The relationship will not last your wife may not come back to you (though personally Idk why you would even want her back if she did.) but she will reap what she sews from this, like I said according to my mom "gay relationships" rarely last longer than a decade and that's only the "strong" ones (shudder), they are just playing dysfunctional house together and eventually it will get old once her new g/f gets past the ego-trip of playing at being a parent.

 

[kedge]

Many suffer, you are not alone. I had a similar situation a long time ago, other things creep in, it is not easy, but it is not impossible to overcome. In the end i just get strong and move on, i had kids too, i didn't let it bother me anymore, i have a right to live a happy life and that's what i did, yeah i cried and ached but i simply worked out, worked hard and worked for the greater good in me. I see the God of the Bible a strict loving hard worker, i take note of that fact, aint nobody gonna rock my boat for too long, move on up move on out live YOUR life, be wise be valiant stand strong Christian.

 

[MayMayMayMay]

It's truly heartbreaking and u need the grace of God everyday living through you to be able to calmly love in spite of your loss. But the guy speaking of the chinese finger puzzle is absolutely right, it is love and not force or judging that will help you and that will save them.

I was abandoned by my spouse too and had to share my children with my spouse. Just remember that in most of Canada the laws are adamant that each spouse gets equal custody. You have as much right to have/own your children as they do. You have as much right to train them in your religion as they do in theirs (atheism is a religion too after all). Ask for God's grace to stand for your rights - but make sure that you stand. As soon as you give up your share of ownership over your children, you will lose them, you will lose motivation to see them, you will be alone without them.

They favor fathers in court situations now. I know because I've been there. Regardless of what you have done you will still be entitled to your equal share of time with them and giving them your own culture, in this case your right to train them in your own religion is your culture. (Though you will have to be careful not to give the children anything angry or negative about your wife's relationship or they may try to remove those rights from you, unfortunatel

In court be careful to have a lawyer that you can trust (hard to find!) to speak for you. I found out quickly that if you get emotional in court, even when it's justified that you are upset, the other party's lawyer will be quick to request that you be written up for contempt of court. It happened to me. Thank God the judge did not accept their request in my case. It will take the miraculous grace of God and you walking in it, for you to get through this. Take a stand to have your right to have equal time with/ and training of your children, but do it with love and the grace of God!

In this day, the advice in the New Testament to live in love because no one can speak against love...is all we can do. God bless you! I'll add my prayers too..

 

[iwant2serve]

From one man to another. As hard as it is you need to release your wife and show her you can continue to live. As for your children you have the right to fight for them and what you believe. I will tell you this as they get older and other kids start making jokes of them having two moms you will have to explain the right way a family is because your wife and her lover has them believing they are a real family. God is always there and he will not allow this to go on but it may take some bushing buttons on your side and not just laying down letting it be.