We Just Can't Get it Together - WHATEVER

[BarlyGurl]

Funny, my prayer HAS BEEN Lord change Me!!! And he has changed me -- so much more than you know because you really don't know me at all. I've been on my hands and knees for 23 years asking GOD to change MEEEEE .... and he certainly has. But that has not changed the circumstances of my marriage and it won't stop human beings from having life problems. We're all here (including you) for a reason.

Well if that is true... then that's great Cindy... but what I am wondering is then WHY are you still having crisis'? Doesn't it seem like after 23 years of "change me Lord" you could sail through everyday incidental crisis smoothly without being so offended at him?
I don't doubt the Lord has changed you over the years, scripture says he will...WE ARE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE! So without, dismissing the previous "changing"... do you think you have changed enough and now it is your husbands turn? or is it possible that the lord is putting you in a season of discontent to press you into the next season of your transformation?

 

[psalm6819]

LIi

Oh, See the first time you wrote that, I concluded that you were making a joke or being rhetorical as it was in a BIBLE STUDY thread and Christians who know their bible DO KNOW there is no actual FRUIT named. Lemons are however highly valued for their culinary and medicinal uses including preserving, cleansing and purifying... really amazing fruit really. You might not know that, I seem to recall you mentioned you don't cook. Now that you have brought up the question AGAIN, I must now conclude that my first assessment of your commentary was in error and it is indeed an intentionally snarly comment born from the your own embittered spirit.

Your memory does not serve you correctly, of course I cook, I just don't think that calling hurting people names is anything I saw Jesus do. I'm not a bitter person at all so don't a accuse me of whatever feelings you harbor. I just find it strange that you display so little gentleness toward anyone in your posts.

You aren't married so you don't know of what you speak, it's probe better to give advice in areas which you are proficient.

 

[BarlyGurl]

LIi

Your memory does not serve you correctly, of course I cook, I just don't think that calling hurting people names is anything I saw Jesus do. I'm not a bitter person at all so don't a accuse me of whatever feelings you harbor. I just find it strange that you display so little gentleness toward anyone in your posts.

You aren't married so you don't know of what you speak, it's probe better to give advice in areas which you are proficient.

I do not perceive Cindy is "hurting" rather she is STRUGGLING. I have confidence that Cindy has the Holy Spirit to help her sort out what is of HIM and what is not. I also appreciate that Cindy considers the communication she is personally receiving. I have the even more CONFIDENNCE that the LORD will help her discern His leading, in the same manner that the HS has prompted me to point out to her that she "LOOK" at her problem in different way. There is no shortage of "counselors" who will stoke the flesh and magnify the circumstances. I happen to think Cindy DOES want to live more victoriously, rise above her circumstances and Glorify the Lord... which is what the scripture states we could do.
NOWHERE did I call Cindy names... apparently you do not know the distinction between calling names and identifying scriptural issues. As for gentleness, this is email... so now you are quibbling over words because your opinion is they are not strung strung together in a way to your liking...How do you resolve that same issue when you are reading the bible?

 

[NewWine]

Cindy my heart and prayers go out to you....
Let me ask you something....if you pray to God to change you, will He just change you? Or will He, the God who wants the Glory for all the changes, be more likely to place you into situations to exhibit those changes? I am not saying you're doing anything wrong, in fact I am trying to say the opposite. You've asked God to change you for 23 years, and now you're walking in those changes (praise GOD!!).

Isaiah 40:31 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. The word wait has more than one meaning: we can wait on a bus, meaning to be patient....we can wait tables in a restaurant, meaning to serve.
Be patient and God will lead you how to go next. Whether that be to give you the words to rightly express yourself to your husband, whether that be to open your husband's eyes and heart to your needs, whatever is next, God's already there. I can't tell you what to do here, no one can, that is for you to allow God to lead you, but I am still praying for you in this.
Peace!!

 

[psalm6819]

I do not perceive Cindy is "hurting" rather she is STRUGGLING. I have confidence that Cindy has the Holy Spirit to help her sort out what is of HIM and what is not. I also appreciate that Cindy considers the communication she is personally receiving. I have the even more CONFIDENNCE that the LORD will help her discern His leading, in the same manner that the HS has prompted me to point out to her that she "LOOK" at her problem in different way. There is no shortage of "counselors" who will stoke the flesh and magnify the circumstances. I happen to think Cindy DOES want to live more victoriously, rise above her circumstances and Glorify the Lord... which is what the scripture states we could do.
NOWHERE did I call Cindy names... apparently you do not know the distinction between calling names and identifying scriptural issues. As for gentleness, this is email... so now you are quibbling over words because your opinion is they are not strung strung together in a way to your liking...How do you resolve that same issue when you are reading the bible?

You don't see her as hurting because you lack compassion.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Cindy my heart and prayers go out to you....
Let me ask you something....if you pray to God to change you, will He just change you? Or will He, the God who wants the Glory for all the changes, be more likely to place you into situations to exhibit those changes? I am not saying you're doing anything wrong, in fact I am trying to say the opposite. You've asked God to change you for 23 years, and now you're walking in those changes (praise GOD!!).

That is a very Good Post NewWine! I was just pondering how to express a same thing... SEASONS... seasons of change when he works in us and the following season that we walk in practicing it, then the next season of work in us.... season to practice and on word along the Glory road!

 

[BarlyGurl]

You don't see her as hurting because you lack compassion.

Where is your contribution in this thread to pointing the OP to a scripturally based solution? I will review again, but I have only noticed your priority in this thread seem to be, to stand around and criticize me.

 

[Hungry]

Cindy, when most people get old they get moody. Years of eating the wrong food, being stressed out, not exercising and not getting enough sleep messes with your hormones (especially testosterone). When this happens we have greater problems dealing with even minimal stress. My advice is don't take it personally. I know you want your husband and friend back but you have to get him healthy. SSRIs (antidepressants) are horrible, avoid them completely. From what I've learned, they work initially but messes up your system causing more problems (major problems) than you had originally. Look into adrenal fatigue. Obviously, I'm just taking shots in the dark here. May God grant you wisdom and patience.

 

[atwhatcost]

It really is a sad thing when couples just can't get their act together. Maybe it's not meant to be that way. Maybe living love in paradise is just something you see in movies and read about in books. One strong disagreement well over a week ago took an ENTIRE week to settle down. Things were back to normal after he had his quiet/man cave time. But somethings just not right, and its with me. I don't know if I call it insecurity, or if its just feeling not back 100% or what it is. It seems that we have a fantastic day, night, weekend, and then I say one thing that he replies with a short, one-word response of "whatever" that sends my heart over the edge. Maybe I just love too much? I just never give my husband one-word snappy answers like "whatever" ..... this from a man who walks the talk of "don't have an attitude with people", "treat others with respect", have a happy attitude ... blah blah blah .... It seems lately that if I ever express one thought of mine that he is not in agreement with, I get that short, snappy answer that makes me wanna spin my head around on my shoulders 15 times! Of course, I don't .... I just move on and go silently about my business. Why can't a man just say something like "babe, I don't understand why you say that, or what do you mean by that, or somethingggggggggg other than WHATEVER!!?? Is that just not rude and disrespectful???? Sorry for the vent.

How did you manage 23 years together without ever figuring out how to talk? How to resolve things? How to tell what you're thinking without it always sounding like it's HIS fault? How have you managed 23 years without ever simply asking, "What's wrong?"

What's the score by now? You're obviously keeping score, so how far in the hole has he gotten himself without ever being allowed to tell you what's wrong?

 

[atwhatcost]

You know what is even sadder? What is sadder is that my 19 year old the other night said to me, "mom, STOP being afraid to tell him what you think ... you shouldn't have to tiptoe around him like you do" ...... dad acts like he gets to make all the decisions in this house and you don't get to make any. Now thats sad.

Yes, that is sad. Sad that you've been letting him do that so long the 19 year old doesn't remember back when that didn't happen.

You're not talking to hubby over what's really bothering you. Apparently, you haven't for a long time. And now you're mad at him from giving up trying to guess what you want?

Women! This is the third time I've said this this week, but, Man! I am so glad I never had to marry a woman. Seems like most think it's the hubby's job to guess what they're thinking. And they shut up until he guesses right. Yeesh!

It's not this hard. Tell him what you're thinking. Then ask what he's thinking. That's where the problem lies, everyone is guessing -- even on here.

If you're into guessing your way in life then go with 39 Black. (Is there a 39 black on one of those roulette wheels? I don't really gamble, so I don't know, but it strikes me if all your going to do is guess, at least make it worth something.)

 

[atwhatcost]

Cindy, when most people get old they get moody. Years of eating the wrong food, being stressed out, not exercising and not getting enough sleep messes with your hormones (especially testosterone). When this happens we have greater problems dealing with even minimal stress. My advice is don't take it personally. I know you want your husband and friend back but you have to get him healthy. SSRIs (antidepressants) are horrible, avoid them completely. From what I've learned, they work initially but messes up your system causing more problems (major problems) than you had originally. Look into adrenal fatigue. Obviously, I'm just taking shots in the dark here. May God grant you wisdom and patience.

Good grief! Obviously a 39 year old has no idea what happens "when most people get older."

 

[atwhatcost]

WHAT are you on about??? I can't come here? and yes, my prayer session DID work and YES there is another issue. Such is life .... sorry that you have a problem with that. Are you saying that I am to bow down and let this man walk all over me? Praying is certainly something I do, but I also have to live with him in the now. At least I am not griping to HIM about it! People here have helped me, I am sorry if that does not work well with you.

By "did work," you mean hubby guessed right some time last week? No. That's not it. You're problem has been you've been expecting him to bow down and guess right. He did. Twice last week. Now that score has been dismissed, because it's this week.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I think Cindy needs to open up more when talking to hubby, and hubby needs to stop acting like a spoiled teen and listen to what his wife is saying.. jmo

 

[BarlyGurl]

Good grief! Obviously a 39 year old has no idea what happens "when most people get older."

WAit a minute Atwhatcost... for all you know... Hungry could be a doctor or a nutritionist or have a PHD in gerontology.

I am so glad someone else is impassioned by this problem (lol).... wondering if any one is going to try criticizing YOU!

 

[Cindy12]

Well if that is true... then that's great Cindy... but what I am wondering is then WHY are you still having crisis'? Doesn't it seem like after 23 years of "change me Lord" you could sail through everyday incidental crisis smoothly without being so offended at him?
I don't doubt the Lord has changed you over the years, scripture says he will...WE ARE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE! So without, dismissing the previous "changing"... do you think you have changed enough and now it is your husbands turn? or is it possible that the lord is putting you in a season of discontent to press you into the next season of your transformation?

I have no idea why we are in crisis mode after 23 years. If i knew that, I probably wouldn't be living on this earth we are on right now. I just need to continue praying for the Lord to change me, and he will.

 

[Cindy12]

By "did work," you mean hubby guessed right some time last week? No. That's not it. You're problem has been you've been expecting him to bow down and guess right. He did. Twice last week. Now that score has been dismissed, because it's this week.

You are right. The fact that I have expectations at all is wrong. I can only change me. Lord knows I need changing and I am working hard to be a better person day after day.

 

[Cindy12]

Well, I opened the can of worms up and talked today, risking it all, knowing that it would upset him and I go the earful I deserved. How humbling it was. He told me that I basically (not word for word) accused him of having a relationship with a woman 3000 miles away, that just because she sent a bikini picture didn't mean he was "sending her the wrong message" which I also accused him of. He said I told him to stop contact with her with my actions which were not nice actions. He told me that first I mentioned that he had no pictures of me on his phone, but plenty of her now that she sent so many. He said that when he talked about his "family" that in Honduras that meant a husband, wife and kids ... but that wasn't enough for me. I had to mention that he never said "WIFE" to her ... so he did that and then when she started asking personal questions about me, I got offended with that. He said I shot him down with everything he said, so he deleted the facebook to stop the madness I caused (yes, me).

Reality just shot me in the face, head and heart. I wore him down and I have no one to blame but myself. I apologized for what he heard me saying, explained my feelings and how I never meant it to be the way it came out and that I wanted him to forgive me. We talked about 20 minutes, his phone rang at the office and he said he had to go. The end. Humbled and taking in a huge reality check that I am the mean and hateful person most of you thought I was without even knowing it myself.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Reality just shot me in the face, head and heart. I wore him down and I have no one to blame but myself. I apologized for what he heard me saying, explained my feelings and how I never meant it to be the way it came out and that I wanted him to forgive me. We talked about 20 minutes, his phone rang at the office and he said he had to go. The end. Humbled and taking in a huge reality check that I am the mean and hateful person most of you thought I was without even knowing it myself.

Cindy, I didn't notice anyone call YOU mean or hateful in this thread. What I did see, is a variety of ways some of us tried to communicate to you that... YES there was a problem but it wasn't your husband.
I encourage you to linger where you are now (humbled), get yourself a notebook and prayerfully ask the Lord to speak to you about 3 things you need to repent of and therefore re-order your thoughts and actions to be walking in faith and agreement with the word.
I think everyone wants you to be successful, we can pray for you, but we cannot DO IT for you.... you have to do your part.

 

[Cindy12]

Cindy my heart and prayers go out to you....
Let me ask you something....if you pray to God to change you, will He just change you? Or will He, the God who wants the Glory for all the changes, be more likely to place you into situations to exhibit those changes? I am not saying you're doing anything wrong, in fact I am trying to say the opposite. You've asked God to change you for 23 years, and now you're walking in those changes (praise GOD!!).

Isaiah 40:31 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. The word wait has more than one meaning: we can wait on a bus, meaning to be patient....we can wait tables in a restaurant, meaning to serve.
Be patient and God will lead you how to go next. Whether that be to give you the words to rightly express yourself to your husband, whether that be to open your husband's eyes and heart to your needs, whatever is next, God's already there. I can't tell you what to do here, no one can, that is for you to allow God to lead you, but I am still praying for you in this.
Peace!!

Thank you, thank you -- I needed to hear this.

 

[Cindy12]

I think Cindy needs to open up more when talking to hubby, and hubby needs to stop acting like a spoiled teen and listen to what his wife is saying.. jmo

I am trying so hard, and I did tell him today that I try to open up and talk, but I have fears of being shot down, hurt, criticized, so I back off. He seemed to understand that (after sweetly yelling at me about all the horrible things I have been doing or making him feel) .... but my point was that after 23 years, we should be past this. He should have been able to respond to me on Day #1 of this entire situation with words that explained how he felt and we could have bypassed this all. Its the lack of communication that continues to shoot the 2 of us down when we have major hurdles (and thankfully, the MAJOR ones have been very few) ... but we need to learn. My son tells me that for 19 years, he's been this way and he ain't changing, so we just need to be happy he has become a Christian, been baptized, is going to church, and is changing his ways day by day since mid last year. Lady Blue, I think in his heart and mind, he was this family's hero, and I tore that down. *UGH* .... but I sincerely didn't mean to. I have great love for all humans in this world and go overboard to serve my family - i never realized i was breaking his heart. Today was about him venting all his hurt, anger and feelings. I just listened, agreed, and tried to hear (really hear) what he was saying. Wow, that was powerful and I realize my wrongs. We still need to be able to communicate, this wouldn't have happened, but praise God for the small steps. I think I have some tender days ahead. My heart is broken and torn too.