What is the right way to handle family favoritism?

[Cindy12]

I've been terribly upset the last few days and harboring a lot of feelings of hurt, resentment, anger, bitterness, jealousy and the list goes on and on. These are not good Christian or human traits, I know, and I am really working on letting go of those feelings today.

To make a long story short, my parents have 4 children (4 girls, all within a year of each other). The oldest sister and her kids have always been moms favorite. Always. Mom and Dad are retired and financially set. My dad no longer can drive or get around well since his medical problems a couple years ago and mom and dad both have paid off vehicles. Because my 20 year old son is driving a 96 Ranger and we are having lots of problems with it, we are looking for a good, used vehicle to buy him in its place while he is in college. I asked my mom if her and dad would consider selling us Dads car since he can't drive it anymore and it just sits in the driveway. She asked him (or so she said), and 4 weeks ago she called and told me that Dad didn't want to sell it, that he felt they needed a back up vehicle in case something ever happened to hers, and that he might end up driving again one day. Understandable, so I let it go.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day at moms, entire family there. My sisters (the favorite) daughter is here from out of state and I notice some comments, whisperings going on regarding a car. I knew my niece didn't have her own car, her and her husband share one. I drive by moms yesterday on my way home from work and Dads car is gone. I call her and ask her where is Dads car? She stutters about and tries to change subject, so i again asked where was Dads car? She tells me that they decided to give it to Lauren (my sisters - the favorite -daughter) because they only had one car and oftentimes her husband had to walk to work ... and they just felt that she needed it. She said she knew Dad would never drive it anyway.

Ok. I don't have a huge problem with that (being honest I do have a small problem with it) - but the problem moreso lies in that they all lied to keep it from me and behind my back on Thanksgiving Day probably because she knew she had just told me that I could not buy it from them ... then she turns and "gives" it to my niece??

I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel so hurt and angry that mom would do that to me and not even just let me know ahead of time to give me a heads up since I had asked for it. She didnt even bother to explain it to me. Im so upset that I don't even want to go by there, talk to them, see them for Christmas or anything. Why do I feel this way and how do I let it go? I thought about saying something to mom, but it won't change anything. Is it right to be upset and stay away from them? Or do I just let it go and act like nothing happened? Am I right feeling hurt or is the devil tugging at my heart??

 

[dalconn]

The short answer is to walk in the Spirit, forgive, love everyone equally and trust God to do your bidding.

I pray you find God's peace to get through this hurt and rise above it all

 

[Hellooo]

Why not say something? Let her know while you don't understand why she didn't want to sell the car to you., that it's *not* okay for her to lie to you. Say your peace, but also forgive the wrong against you.
As far as spending holidays with them...your call

 

[Cindy12]

Why not say something? Let her know while you don't understand why she didn't want to sell the car to you., that it's *not* okay for her to lie to you. Say your peace, but also forgive the wrong against you.
As far as spending holidays with them...your call

yes, I should probably just say something. It's her car afterall, she can pick and choose who she gives it to, and evidently she did that. I don't know so much that she just "lied" about it, she just tried to keep it from me. Until I called her out on it. I will go and see them at some point Christmas Day, when its convenient for me, lol! I will forgive and forget - just terribly hurt. I mean, how can you tell one no and the other yes?

 

[GodisGlorious]

Heres what I do when I get thoughts that are not godly. I go to God willing to give them up and to see things through Christs eyes. Be willing to be willing to let them go and to accept his ways and thoughts. I go for the thoughts and dont get caught up in the content. If it wasnt this it would be something else getting in the way of your love walk. Love and God bless xxx

 

[Cindy12]

Heres what I do when I get thoughts that are not godly. I go to God willing to give them up and to see things through Christs eyes. Be willing to be willing to let them go and to accept his ways and thoughts. I go for the thoughts and dont get caught up in the content. If it wasnt this it would be something else getting in the way of your love walk. Love and God bless xxx

Thank you so much - this makes a TON of sense at this moment!

 

[kaylagrl]

yes, I should probably just say something. It's her car afterall, she can pick and choose who she gives it to, and evidently she did that. I don't know so much that she just "lied" about it, she just tried to keep it from me. Until I called her out on it. I will go and see them at some point Christmas Day, when its convenient for me, lol! I will forgive and forget - just terribly hurt. I mean, how can you tell one no and the other yes?

I think you should say something if it's bothering you. But with family its hard to be honest with them without more hurt all around. I got into a mess with my baby sister and her husband.It took six years to bring to a close. Things were said that cant be taken back. Slowly,very slowly we are getting past it. But any bump in the road and its like a Mexican stand off again. So be careful where you tread. You dont want an ongoing issue. Sometimes you just have to let it go for the sake of peace.

 

[Dan58]

Your parents made a decision, so I'd leave it alone and respect what they eventually decided to do with their car. They probably tried to keep their decision from you because they knew what your response would be. Unlike the 'Good' Prodigal Son who felt slighted and got angry (Luke 15: 25-32), try to rejoice that your niece got a car. I suspect since your son already had a Ford Ranger and your niece had nothing, that your parents sent the car to where it was most needed. How would your sister have felt if your son got a second vehicle when her daughter had nothing? It may not be a case of favoritism as much as practicality. jmo

 

[Cindy12]

Your parents made a decision, so I'd leave it alone and respect what they eventually decided to do with their car. They probably tried to keep their decision from you because they knew what your response would be. Unlike the 'Good' Prodigal Son who felt slighted and got angry (Luke 15: 25-32), try to rejoice that your niece got a car. I suspect since your son already had a Ford Ranger and your niece had nothing, that your parents sent the car to where it was most needed. How would your sister have felt if your son got a second vehicle when her daughter had nothing? It may not be a case of favoritism as much as practicality. jmo

I do respect their decision about giving the car to her; but don't respect that they didn't even tell me they made that decision after they told me they decided they needed to "keep" the car. Since they changed their mind from 3 weeks ago, you'd think she'd have the audacity to tell me. Thats the problem. I am happy my niece (who is married) got the car. They only have one car in their family of 2. They know the Ranger is on the last leg, they know it needs a new motor or we need a new car. My sister would not have cared at all about the car being "bought" by me (which it was freely given to her) ... because they have all the money in the world to buy what they need. We don't. It wasn't about practicality at all. That, I can tell you for sure. Again, I am ok with my niece getting the car - its the lieing and deceit that went on that ticked me off. It will trouble me for about a week and I will be over it. I've decided to say nothing and to just let it go. We're going to look for a used vehicle tomorrow anyway. Bygones are going to be bygones.

 

[Sirk]

Well...I would say that you felt one or more of the following things....devalued, insignificant, rejected, unloved, abandoned, disconnected, invalidated...maybe powerless. When you feel those things..what do you do to cope with those terrible feelings? Do you withdraw, escalate, withhold, lash out, criticize, invalidate, shut down, blame, get defensive? If you do any of those things to cope..you are stuck in a pain cycle.

To get off the pain cycle and onto the peace cycle you have to tell yourself the truth in spite of those terrible feelings....that you are......loved, thoughtful, caring, treasured, hardworking, intelligent, wanted, important, connected, etc...and then you can act from truth instead of feelings. Feelings are unreliable. Acting out of truth enables you to stay connected, seek to understand, communicate, open up, be vulnerable, be respectful, be direct and honest and to ask questions.....that is what you do and that is how you give it to God.

 

[LanceA]

I can understand where you are coming from. My dad and his wife do this same thing but it is directed at my 6 year old son. They do everything for my sisters kids but they don't give my son the time of day. We brought this up a few years ago and it back fired on us and we didn't have contact with them for around 6 months. We decided that this wasn't good for the family so we initiated contact again. Now, a few years later, it is still the same. We live maybe 7 miles from them and they never see my son unless it is our idea. They have made promises and broke them so we decided to just stop calling them. They haven't called to speak with my son in over a month now. We basically have just left it up to them to make the decision for us.

So if you do bring this up to your parents be ready for it to back fire because they aren't going to want to be the ones who look bad.

 

[Sirk]

I can understand where you are coming from. My dad and his wife do this same thing but it is directed at my 6 year old son. They do everything for my sisters kids but they don't give my son the time of day. We brought this up a few years ago and it back fired on us and we didn't have contact with them for around 6 months. We decided that this wasn't good for the family so we initiated contact again. Now, a few years later, it is still the same. We live maybe 7 miles from them and they never see my son unless it is our idea. They have made promises and broke them so we decided to just stop calling them. They haven't called to speak with my son in over a month now. We basically have just left it up to them to make the decision for us.

So if you do bring this up to your parents be ready for it to back fire because they aren't going to want to be the ones who look bad.

That is why using "I" statements and being adept at redirection is key. It takes practice because it is hard to do when you are in the thick of it. 'Set up' is also a key factor in talking about painful stuff with your "enemy". The fact is... painful feelings are an indication of a crossed boundary ....and the problem is....most people seldom get to the painful part, but stay in the anger that is so easily identifiable. Anger is so immediate and on the surface....and not speaking truth to anger will wreck a relationship fast.

I can honestly say that because I have employed these things that I've said in this thread that I have peace in ALL of my relationships... even tho some of the people on the other side may not. The bible says that a kind word turns away wrath.....I'll take it a step further and say that a kind word makes it difficult for a person to dehumanize you.

Control what you can control. Being in control of your emotions makes you powerful and a force to be reckoned with......letting anger control you feels powerful but it really makes you weak.

 

[notuptome]

I would suggest that you go to God and say dear Lord You kept that car from us and only You know the reason. You Lord know the need we have and ask the Lord to give you the car He wants you to have.

It's been my experience that the cars God gives run better and longer than the ones I thought I wanted.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[LanceA]

That is why using "I" statements and being adept at redirection is key. It takes practice because it is hard to do when you are in the thick of it. 'Set up' is also a key factor in talking about painful stuff with your "enemy". The fact is... painful feelings are an indication of a crossed boundary ....and the problem is....most people seldom get to the painful part, but stay in the anger that is so easily identifiable. Anger is so immediate and on the surface....and not speaking truth to anger will wreck a relationship fast.

I can honestly say that because I have employed these things that I've said in this thread that I have peace in ALL of my relationships... even tho some of the people on the other side may not. The bible says that a kind word turns away wrath.....I'll take it a step further and say that a kind word makes it difficult for a person to dehumanize you.

Control what you can control. Being in control of your emotions makes you powerful and a force to be reckoned with......letting anger control you feels powerful but it really makes you weak.

I have no anger anymore. I am totally at peace with our decision. They have full access to my son if they want it; they choose not to.

 

[Sirk]

I would suggest that you go to God and say dear Lord You kept that car from us and only You know the reason. You Lord know the need we have and ask the Lord to give you the car He wants you to have.

It's been my experience that the cars God gives run better and longer than the ones I thought I wanted.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

Lol Roger. I don't think it's really about the car. I think this thing runs pretty deep and the car is just another hurt in a long line of hurts. The car is an opportunity for being vulnerable and leading this family to connection.

 

[Sirk]

I have no anger anymore. I am totally at peace with our decision. They have full access to my son if they want it; they choose not to.

I'm sorry if I came across as judgmental about your post..it wasn't my intention. I was speaking more to the OP. She is bleeding and this car thing just made her bleed more.

 

[Cindy12]

I'm sorry if I came across as judgmental about your post..it wasn't my intention. I was speaking more to the OP. She is bleeding and this car thing just made her bleed more.

Thanks, and yes, its not about the car. When it comes to this 1 sister of mine, its all about "secrets" ... this was just another, and that is really what it was about. I called mom this morning just to check in on her and Dad, talked about Christmas and the plans with kids, etc ... nothing was said about the car - I wanted to let it go because it won't change anything. Its just a lil more water under the bridge. It hurts to know what they did behind my back, but I am not going to let it define me and continue our lives as we normally do to not cause any tension or hard feelings. Forgive and forget ... I forgave and I am working on the forgetting.

 

[sassylady]

My ex in-laws were like that with their other two children, who had 6 figure incomes and didn't need anything given to them. I just had to make up my mind that God is my source, not people. If they chose to do something for us it was a surprise and a bonus, but I wasn't looking and we never asked for anything from them.

 

[AboundingGrace]

I've been terribly upset the last few days and harboring a lot of feelings of hurt, resentment, anger, bitterness, jealousy and the list goes on and on. These are not good Christian or human traits, I know, and I am really working on letting go of those feelings today.

To make a long story short, my parents have 4 children (4 girls, all within a year of each other). The oldest sister and her kids have always been moms favorite. Always. Mom and Dad are retired and financially set. My dad no longer can drive or get around well since his medical problems a couple years ago and mom and dad both have paid off vehicles. Because my 20 year old son is driving a 96 Ranger and we are having lots of problems with it, we are looking for a good, used vehicle to buy him in its place while he is in college. I asked my mom if her and dad would consider selling us Dads car since he can't drive it anymore and it just sits in the driveway. She asked him (or so she said), and 4 weeks ago she called and told me that Dad didn't want to sell it, that he felt they needed a back up vehicle in case something ever happened to hers, and that he might end up driving again one day. Understandable, so I let it go.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day at moms, entire family there. My sisters (the favorite) daughter is here from out of state and I notice some comments, whisperings going on regarding a car. I knew my niece didn't have her own car, her and her husband share one. I drive by moms yesterday on my way home from work and Dads car is gone. I call her and ask her where is Dads car? She stutters about and tries to change subject, so i again asked where was Dads car? She tells me that they decided to give it to Lauren (my sisters - the favorite -daughter) because they only had one car and oftentimes her husband had to walk to work ... and they just felt that she needed it. She said she knew Dad would never drive it anyway.

Ok. I don't have a huge problem with that (being honest I do have a small problem with it) - but the problem moreso lies in that they all lied to keep it from me and behind my back on Thanksgiving Day probably because she knew she had just told me that I could not buy it from them ... then she turns and "gives" it to my niece??

I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel so hurt and angry that mom would do that to me and not even just let me know ahead of time to give me a heads up since I had asked for it. She didnt even bother to explain it to me. Im so upset that I don't even want to go by there, talk to them, see them for Christmas or anything. Why do I feel this way and how do I let it go? I thought about saying something to mom, but it won't change anything. Is it right to be upset and stay away from them? Or do I just let it go and act like nothing happened? Am I right feeling hurt or is the devil tugging at my heart??

I have favoritism issues with my family too so I know where you are coming from. I have always been passed over while my older sister got what I wanted too.

I will say this though.. if you had gotten the car.. then you would be the cause of someone having angry and hurt feelings because they hadn't gotten it.

I would not want to be in the position of your parents to have to favor one and not favor the other because they only have one car to offer between so many family members that need a car.

Concerning your side of it.. If it were me, and many times it has been me that didn't get something.. I myself would rather deal with my own hurt feelings and walk in the love of God by forgiving, than to know that family members are not visiting family.. and, having the guilt of that, which for me would ruin enjoying having the car.

Whether or not that would help you to decide whether you could visit your family again or not.. that would be on your terms and at your pace of forgiving your family. I personally know how hard that is to do.

 

[Cindy12]

I have favoritism issues with my family too so I know where you are coming from. I have always been passed over while my older sister got what I wanted too.

I will say this though.. if you had gotten the car.. then you would be the cause of someone having angry and hurt feelings because they hadn't gotten it.

I would not want to be in the position of your parents to have to favor one and not favor the other because they only have one car to offer between so many family members that need a car.

Concerning your side of it.. If it were me, and many times it has been me that didn't get something.. I myself would rather deal with my own hurt feelings and walk in the love of God by forgiving, than to know that family members are not visiting family.. and, having the guilt of that, which for me would ruin enjoying having the car.

Whether or not that would help you to decide whether you could visit your family again or not.. that would be on your terms and at your pace of forgiving your family. I personally know how hard that is to do.

At the time we asked about the car, no one had mentioned to mom wanting it. If I even had an idea my niece needed a car, I wouldn't have asked, because I would have known right then what the result would be. But, its over. Done. I am going to moms this afternoon on the way home to pick up a recipe and some bowls she is returning to me. I will visit and nothing will be said because I won't bring it up, and she certainly won't! (haha, they are secretive) .... It sorta of hurts my feelings that I got so bummed out about it - because I have known all along she was the favorite and when mom told me they needed to keep the car (and they SHOULD if they need it!), my husband said to me right then -- THAT CAR WILL BE GOING TO ONE OF THE ******* (my sisters name) ..... and low and behold he was right. I didn't think it would happen. I thought when she said they needed to keep it, they needed to keep it. So much for trusting someones word. I will go and visit on Christmas day - because that is the right thing to do - but I can't hide the fact that even though forgiven, its not been forgotten. Its hard to forget being lied to.