Honoring a dying person's wishes

[RickyZ]

My mom, at 91, is in her final days. Numerous strokes, lifelong scoliosis, chronic pneumonia, and other ails have turned her life into nothing but suffering and torment. She has communicated that she wishes to be placed in hospice, to be made comfortable until she dies. My father, older brother, and I agreed to honor her wishes. But then my little brother stepped in. He bullies my father and my dad just keeps getting on his knees an kissing his @ss. He bullied my dad into letting the doctors place a feeding tube in mom and force feeding her in a nursing home. (I've written about this little turd before here). The hospital had placed 2 feeding tubes in her nose, when she pulled both of those out they placed a third and tied her hands down. She clearly does not want to suffer any longer, yet now because of this bastard son and my dad's weakness she is being forced to.

My older brother and I are ready to walk away. I've already made it known that when we bury my mother, that will be the last time either my father or his demon spawn son hear from me. My older brother now agrees with me on that.

What else can we do?

 

[Mitspa]

Have you tried beating the crap out of him? Worked for my little brothers years ago

 

[RickyZ]

Been there tried that, it didn't work. But it sure felt good.

That's probably a sin and I shouldn't take pleasure in it. But I do get a devious pleasure out of watching people and their world screw themselves into the tribulation.

 

[NewWine]

I don't fully grasp the whole father-son-brother dynamic, so I will just offer prayers of peace for your family.

 

[kenthomas27]

I guess it would help if you could maybe channel your anger so that this issue could be solved for the best benefit of your mom. That's the end goal isn't it? Scripture can help out with this because I think your anger is more like righteous indignation more than a personal affront. Am I wrong? In other words, your basic anger with this is in defense of your mom's best interests and not your own personal interests. If that's the case, then right off the bat you can define to yourself what you're mad at and where your anger can be channeled. You're mad because your mom's intention and desire is to end her suffering and, as peacefully as possible, walk to our Loving God of Israel's Hands at her own pace. You're mad at your brother because he has overridden your mom's desires and is working to prolong her life. So, your anger isn't really at your brother - it's at his actions. This is where Ephesians 4:29 comes in - attack the problem and not the person.

But it's also your responsibility to speak and to be honest. This is the role of righteous indignation. You are in a position to ensure your mom's rights and wishes are heard. Tell your brother and dad the truth - Ephesians 4:15. Finally, don't let the sun set on this. Don't let this fester. Infections spread and I can probably be fairly certain that the break up of your family is not the legacy your mom intended for herself. That's an almost direct Ephesians 4:26-27.

 

[kenthomas27]

I guess it would help if you could maybe channel your anger so that this issue could be solved for the best benefit of your mom. That's the end goal isn't it? Scripture can help out with this because I think your anger is more like righteous indignation more than a personal affront. Am I wrong? In other words, your basic anger with this is in defense of your mom's best interests and not your own personal interests. If that's the case, then right off the bat you can define to yourself what you're mad at and where your anger can be channeled. You're mad because your mom's intention and desire is to end her suffering and, as peacefully as possible, walk to our Loving God of Israel's Hands at her own pace. You're mad at your brother because he has overridden your mom's desires and is working to prolong her life. So, your anger isn't really at your brother - it's at his actions. This is where Ephesians 4:29 comes in - attack the problem and not the person.

But it's also your responsibility to speak and to be honest. This is the role of righteous indignation. You are in a position to ensure your mom's rights and wishes are heard. Tell your brother and dad the truth - Ephesians 4:15. Finally, don't let the sun set on this. Don't let this fester. Infections spread and I can probably be fairly certain that the break up of your family is not the legacy your mom intended for herself. That's an almost direct Ephesians 4:26-27.

I also wanted to add that I'm sorry you're going through this. This is a painful time for you and your family and anger can easily become enflamed. Knowing that anger is an energy, I just hope you act and not react. Character is defined by keeping our heads when all about us are losing theirs.

 

[Willie-T]

Have you tried beating the crap out of him? Worked for my little brothers years ago

This is exactly the first thought that ran through my mind. I may be doing that to my own brother in the next few months.

 

[Demi777]

Been there tried that, it didn't work. But it sure felt good.

That's probably a sin and I shouldn't take pleasure in it. But I do get a devious pleasure out of watching people and their world screw themselves into the tribulation.

Sounds likd you didnt hit him hard enough. But as a christian sister that doent want u to end up in jail I wont ask you to get him again. Is there a way that you can get a will or custody over your mom so you can decide on her behalf on the minion out of hell?

 

[Demi777]

If I would act like that about my mom I would prob be beat into a coma by my brother,his gf and grandma.. Your bro sounds like hes related to my dad. Its hard to believe how cold hearted you gotta be to let a old suffering person croak like that. People like that dont even deserve a bullet.

 

[Elizabeth619]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Why would he want to keep her hanging on and suffering? That is cruel!
I wish I had the answers for you but I don't. All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope the brother comes to his senses.

 

[Depleted]

My mom, at 91, is in her final days. Numerous strokes, lifelong scoliosis, chronic pneumonia, and other ails have turned her life into nothing but suffering and torment. She has communicated that she wishes to be placed in hospice, to be made comfortable until she dies. My father, older brother, and I agreed to honor her wishes. But then my little brother stepped in. He bullies my father and my dad just keeps getting on his knees an kissing his @ss. He bullied my dad into letting the doctors place a feeding tube in mom and force feeding her in a nursing home. (I've written about this little turd before here). The hospital had placed 2 feeding tubes in her nose, when she pulled both of those out they placed a third and tied her hands down. She clearly does not want to suffer any longer, yet now because of this bastard son and my dad's weakness she is being forced to.

My older brother and I are ready to walk away. I've already made it known that when we bury my mother, that will be the last time either my father or his demon spawn son hear from me. My older brother now agrees with me on that.

What else can we do?

Your mom wanted hospice. She wants to be comfortable in her death, and, I'm assuming with the desire not to be resuscitated. Entirely different scenario than being starved to death! Why in the world is the brother the jerk for not starving his mother to death?

Feeding tube is NOT extraordinary means. Do you have any idea what it's like to starve to death?

Study up on what is extraordinary means, what feeding tubes do, and what treatment is needed for your mother to stop her from suffering beyond what is necessary. Also, find out if she can have the tube put directly through her belly into her stomach. (The tube down her nose twitches every time she twitches, and she can feel it through her nose, down her esophagus, and into her stomach. Very uncomfortable, which is why she's pulling on it. She's not saying, "let me die." She's saying "take this enormous hose out of my nose!") The tube right through into the stomach isn't uncomfortable, so she won't try pulling it out. (No, they don't have to put her under to do it.) Most important, talk to her doctor. Her doctor -- not her doctor's assistant, the Nurse Administrator, the interned assigned to the doctor, the head nurse, or the other layers and layers of staff who think they can talk for the doctor.) This is how I made John's doctors understand what they could and shouldn't do. I told them one thing -- "Do all you would do, if he were you, and don't go past what you would do for yourself."

Doctors have an understanding that families will do anything to keep their loved ones alive. AND they also know families think anything that has to do with machinery or tubes is "extraordinary means." They know what to do if the patient wants to go naturally, but starving to death isn't natural! It's agonizing!

I could see what it was doing to John in a day. I saw how bad he was after two days. He had so little strength before that. And it made him sick in ways unrelated having a heart attack just doesn't do. It's very important you learn what they're doing for your mom. There were a lot of things I thought people were doing for John that was so wrong, until I understood the why. Your brother may have already done this.

 

[Violet24]

Sorry to hear of your Mother declining & all the drama surrounding this difficult time with family. Unless I miss read on the post, that there should have been a "Do not resuscitate" not sure of the official name of this form, but it is something that is done prior, before an illness get to this stage, where your mother signed for the Dr's file. If there is no form on file, than I can see how this can become an intense ordeal within the family, if all are not in agreement with how things should be handled. Its important to bring the Lord back to front & center of this, and remember if we are not walking in Love, it will only stir up more strife & anger. You & your family can all agree on the fact that you love your mother! Bring this before the Lord in prayer as this is where peace is born & unity. Lord, I pray that peace & unity will come between these family members, and may your loving arms be around their mother as you Lord will be right there with every breath she takes. Bring your eternal comfort & peace to her mind, body & spirit... In Jesus name...

 

[Dan58]

What else can we do?

That's very sad.. Your mother should have had a "Health Care Directive" to her Will. If she had a Do-Not-Resuscitate order, your father couldn't legally over-ride her final wishes. If you can get a copy of your parents Will, check for a DNR.. Its very unusual that people prefer to be artificially kept alive?
[h=3][/h]

 

[wwjd_kilden]

Has she communicated her wish in writing?

Where I work, we have several degrees of giving / not giving life - prolonging aid.
Most have HLR- (no not resucitate) , some also have Things along the lines of "don't give antibiotics in case of infection"
I assume there are similar systems in the US, and that some of them would apply to nutrition

 

[Agricola]

Pray for her speedy death. Sometimes demons etc can prolong a persons life, stop them from dying and endure thier suffering. pray to stop demonic activity as well.

 

[PennEd]

My mom, at 91, is in her final days. Numerous strokes, lifelong scoliosis, chronic pneumonia, and other ails have turned her life into nothing but suffering and torment. She has communicated that she wishes to be placed in hospice, to be made comfortable until she dies. My father, older brother, and I agreed to honor her wishes. But then my little brother stepped in. He bullies my father and my dad just keeps getting on his knees an kissing his @ss. He bullied my dad into letting the doctors place a feeding tube in mom and force feeding her in a nursing home. (I've written about this little turd before here). The hospital had placed 2 feeding tubes in her nose, when she pulled both of those out they placed a third and tied her hands down. She clearly does not want to suffer any longer, yet now because of this bastard son and my dad's weakness she is being forced to.

My older brother and I are ready to walk away. I've already made it known that when we bury my mother, that will be the last time either my father or his demon spawn son hear from me. My older brother now agrees with me on that.

What else can we do?

I am so terribly sorry you are going through this. I recently lost my mom. Praise God all of her children were of one accord, especially given hospice. The Lord graciously took her peacefully.

I know your situation is different, but I pray you reconsider your stance with your brother. NOT saying he doesn't deserve EVERYTHING and more from you, but don't we all deserve that and MUCH MORE from God? Yet He forgives us.
We cannot control the words and actions of others. We can only control our words and actions.

Imagine the impact on not just your brother, but all who see, if you were to take the exact opposite position and forgive and Love him, instead of giving him what he rightfully deserves.

May God's peace fill your heart and mind.

 

[Depleted]

That's very sad.. Your mother should have had a "Health Care Directive" to her Will. If she had a Do-Not-Resuscitate order, your father couldn't legally over-ride her final wishes. If you can get a copy of your parents Will, check for a DNR.. Its very unusual that people prefer to be artificially kept alive?

The DNR doesn't stop feeding her thankfully. Nutrition isn't "artificially kept alive."

 

[blue_ladybug]

The DNR doesn't stop feeding her thankfully. Nutrition isn't "artificially kept alive."

Yes it is, if she has specifically asked NOT to have a feeding tube. And the slop they feed you through it is exactly that, just slop.. Hopefully her death is so near that she won't have to starve to death, OR be on the tube.

 

[RickyZ]

Thank you all so much. We have been down the Ephesians route for some time with no response. We are now at the Matthew 18:17 point of If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Mom does have a health care directive but dad won't let anyone see it. Even as his estate executor he wouldn't discuss it with me, that's why I stepped away from being executor and am now advising my older brother to do so as well. I'm pretty sure she stated in it that she doesn't want artificial life support. We did look into whether a feeding tube is considered life support, if it is the person's sole and only source of nutrition then it is considered artificial life support. The difference would be if the person can still eat but not enough to sustain them, then it is considered an adjunct and not life support. She has been told she can never eat or drink anything by mouth again because she aspirates her food and that leads to a chronic pneumonia.

Depleted, I understand about the starvation thing but after 24 to 36 hours one stops feeling hungry. She's already at that point since she hasn't had anything to eat or drink in the last 5 days. She does say she's thirsty and she is dehydrated but they can fix that with an IV. And a DNR is a different issue. A DNR states that should she stop breathing or her heart stop beating, she is not to be resuscitated. It is totally different from a health care directive which addresses artificial life support.

My dad and little brother do share a demon - I've seen it wrapped around them like a winter coat. Sadly you can't free someone of a demon they don't acknowledge or want to be free of. They both profess to be Christians but that's just talk. Their lives wholly indicate that they are not.

Her favorite meal is home made tacos and she has asked for that as a last meal. Once she gets settled in the nursing home I'm going to make her some and sneak them in to her. It will make her very happy, and maybe she'll aspirate enough to re-inflame the pneumonia and that will take her.

Thank you all for your caring and concern. We may bicker in the BDF, but at heart I know you all are awesome representatives of Christ and I am so glad to have your support!

 

[damombomb]

My Dad was on hospice at home with a feeding tube. Maybe she wants to be at home when she passes?