Not sure if marriage is for me.

elizabethlear · May 12, 2017

This is sort of a rant and sort of a "asking for opinions" post.

I'm only 20. I will be 21 in September and have only had a couple of "serious" relationships, and a handful of flings. And at this point in my life, I'm already questioning if marriage is for me. In the past few months I've been trying to get serious about giving my whole life to God and serving Him. And as I've thought about how I can do that, I've come across the thought that, "How can I give my whole life to Him if I'm dating or married?" I mean, I guess it is possible. Maybe I haven't met anyone who I'd be able to be with while simultaneously serving God the way I want to.

Having a boyfriend and getting married one day was always a big thing for me. It was always sort of an "end goal" in life. Like once I got married, that was it, I wouldn't need anything else, and I was terrified of the idea of maybe not getting married one day.Like if I didn't get married and have kids, my life wouldn't mean anything. I had a teacher in middle school who was in her upper 40s and she was never married. She loved kids and every once in a while she mentioned that she would like to get married one day and I was always afraid of being her. But now in the past few months the idea of not getting married one day doesn't scare me in the least. I don't think I would prefer one path over the other at this point. Of course I would love to have kids, which you obviously need to be married to have biological kids, but even the idea of not having kids doesn't just devastate me.

I have also made some bad decisions because of this desire to be with someone, such hiding who I really am and what I really thought in order to just gain the approval of potential boyfriends, considered dating non-Christians, and other more serious and personal mistakes. And I think maybe this indifference about getting married will help me make better decisions in the future about who I'm dating and how I date. I mean, if I'm not sure about getting married, then surely it will take just the right person to convince me to date them since I don't date for fun.

Another factor I've considered in this reflection is that I consider myself very independent and introverted. Since I was 13 I dreamed of getting my own apartment and working and doing my own thing. I was able to do that for a couple years after high school (but unfortunately moved back in with my parents to avoid excessive debt while I finish school). Maybe this is just me being young and not wanting to be tied down just yet.

I know that it is completely normal not to get married and even encouraged in a way in the New Testament so I'm not concerned over whether this is normal or not. I just kind of had to get my thoughts out there!

So what do y'all think? Is this some temporary phase because I'm young and independent and don't want to be tied down or is this a thought process anyone else has gone through where you have truly been indifferent about it/put it in God's hands? I think some people say that they have put their love life in God's hands, but haven't really.

Share any and all thoughts you have! Just wanted to put this out there since I haven't talked with anyone in my real life about it

Tommy379 · May 13, 2017

If you do get married, God should still be number one regardless. If me and my wife had put God first, maybe we would still be together. I wouldn't think serving God and being married should put a burden on one or the other.

I did notice you wrote:
" Maybe I haven't met anyone who I'd be able to be with while simultaneously serving God the way I want to."

Maybe figure out how to serve God the way he wants you to.

How do you want to serve God? I believe often, people are serving God right where they are.

renewed_hope · May 13, 2017

elizabethlear said:

This is sort of a rant and sort of a "asking for opinions" post.

I'm only 20. I will be 21 in September and have only had a couple of "serious" relationships, and a handful of flings. And at this point in my life, I'm already questioning if marriage is for me. In the past few months I've been trying to get serious about giving my whole life to God and serving Him. And as I've thought about how I can do that, I've come across the thought that, "How can I give my whole life to Him if I'm dating or married?" I mean, I guess it is possible. Maybe I haven't met anyone who I'd be able to be with while simultaneously serving God the way I want to.

Having a boyfriend and getting married one day was always a big thing for me. It was always sort of an "end goal" in life. Like once I got married, that was it, I wouldn't need anything else, and I was terrified of the idea of maybe not getting married one day.Like if I didn't get married and have kids, my life wouldn't mean anything. I had a teacher in middle school who was in her upper 40s and she was never married. She loved kids and every once in a while she mentioned that she would like to get married one day and I was always afraid of being her. But now in the past few months the idea of not getting married one day doesn't scare me in the least. I don't think I would prefer one path over the other at this point. Of course I would love to have kids, which you obviously need to be married to have biological kids, but even the idea of not having kids doesn't just devastate me.

I have also made some bad decisions because of this desire to be with someone, such hiding who I really am and what I really thought in order to just gain the approval of potential boyfriends, considered dating non-Christians, and other more serious and personal mistakes. And I think maybe this indifference about getting married will help me make better decisions in the future about who I'm dating and how I date. I mean, if I'm not sure about getting married, then surely it will take just the right person to convince me to date them since I don't date for fun.

Another factor I've considered in this reflection is that I consider myself very independent and introverted. Since I was 13 I dreamed of getting my own apartment and working and doing my own thing. I was able to do that for a couple years after high school (but unfortunately moved back in with my parents to avoid excessive debt while I finish school). Maybe this is just me being young and not wanting to be tied down just yet.

I know that it is completely normal not to get married and even encouraged in a way in the New Testament so I'm not concerned over whether this is normal or not. I just kind of had to get my thoughts out there!

So what do y'all think? Is this some temporary phase because I'm young and independent and don't want to be tied down or is this a thought process anyone else has gone through where you have truly been indifferent about it/put it in God's hands? I think some people say that they have put their love life in God's hands, but haven't really.

Share any and all thoughts you have! Just wanted to put this out there since I haven't talked with anyone in my real life about it

I think you are perfectly normal. I used to think I would be married and finished having children by my current age. When my sister got married I thought I was a total failure because she was younger than me. However, after maturing in Christ being married has became not as important to me. I think growing up we watch movies of falling in love and having the dream relationship and we try so hard to fulfill those dreams, but in reality we disappoint ourselves and find what is most important and to let go of control and let God do what he will do for us

elizabethlear · May 13, 2017

Tommy379 said:

Thank you! Yes, I guess that is true. There's no perfect circumstance for serving Him. You can do it in any stage of your life. Thanks for the different perspective!

elizabethlear · May 13, 2017

renewed_hope said:

Yeah, I guess it is sort of ingrained in us from an early age onward. Not just in movies, but by parents saying "When you get married..." I also have wanted to be married and finished having my 3-5 kids before I turned 30.

I actually feel so much more care-free after this realization. As I said, I would like to get married. But it's in God's hands now (well it always has been, I'm just now acknowledging it), and I know I can be completely happy and "fufilled" even if I don't.

jrccomputer · May 13, 2017

There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship or getting married. The most important thing to a strong, healthy and long lasting relationship is God. God is what centers us to everything. With God as our captain, we can clearly see who we should be with. God should be the base for your relationship.

I have often struggled myself, even dating people who believed and had faith in other religions. I have found that, those relationships were both harmful to myself, my relationship with God and for the relationship that we had. They may last for awhile, but in the end I was so unhappy.

Dating someone who doesn't share your faith or has an opposing faith hurts you, your relationship and your relationship with God.

I have found, that God had such an amazing plan for us all. I know it's hard so many times to have strong and undying faith. If I am suppose to be married or have a long lasting faith based relationship God will bless me with it.

Trust in God and trust in time. Life is not a race.

Rockrz · May 13, 2017

I'd definitely recommend that you spend the time to find ALL scriptures concerning the subject of marriage.

There's one that says it takes us away from our relationship with the Lord because we would have to spend time pleasing our mate and another stating it's better to be single so we can spend our time with the Lord.

According to Jesus, and He should know, we will all be single once we leave Club earth:

Matthew 22:30
For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.

And I can testify it's very possible to grow in strength and ability in the Holy Spirit to no longer desire physical intimacy to the point where you don't miss something you do not desire in the first place.

I'm married and had to learn this out of necessity as it wasn't my idea to reject this part of marriage. Lots of marriages turn in to roommates situations so if one did get married and this is what happens, no need to be depressed over it... consider yourself married to the Lord and embrace your personal relationship with Him to be your primary purpose in life... something we should all be doing anyway.

None the less, I'd definitely consider considering yourself to be married to the Lord which is how you will spend eternity anyway.

The Lord is a much, much better mate than anyone you could ever have and since you already stated that you are not thinking marriage is for you... this may be the thing to talk to the Lord about and find out IF He wants you to be married or not.

Rockrz · May 13, 2017

As you go all in... and become a student of God's Word (you'll have many questions along the way that only He will be able to answer from His written Word) trusting the Lord will lead and guide you (during times you think He's not there... He is), you'll experience the most fulfilling life imaginable.

And don't freak out knowing there is an enemy trying to derail you attempting to get you to turn away from God... but embrace the victory Jesus has ALREADY purchase for you personally at the Cross. You can have fun standing with the Lord and use that rebellion we are get in to when we are young to tell the devil to stick it where the sun don't shine and enjoy a close personal relationship with the Lord.

And, if you fall down do what King David did and acknowledge your shortcoming to the Lord, confessing and forsaking your sin. The Lord sees all, so we may as well be honest and upfront with Him as His desire is to wash clean again as you grow in Him as you grow to be an overcomer over any sins that may seem to have your number (we've all had some of those)

And always remember the purpose for your existence... the Lord wants to be your everything but you have to agree to let Him in and He's always there to empower you as He has purpose for you in life that is the only thing that can fulfill you.
So, keep kickin it with Jesus!

elizabethlear · May 13, 2017

Thank you all so far for the different perspectives. It's exactly what I was looking for! Not just people saying "you do what you think it right etc."

jrccomputer · May 13, 2017

You already have such a good understanding of how you feel and where you stand.

GOP · May 13, 2017

The titled of your post is "Not sure if marriage is for me". Yes, marriage is for you. For it is written, "...All things are yours in CHRIST JESUS...(1 Corinthians 3:21-22). You are GOD'S Child so, marriage is for you. Marriage is so beautiful and the only way to enjoy the beauty of marriage is to live in CHRIST JESUS. GOD created all things and all things HE created is beautiful, and the only way to enjoy all things GOD created is to live according to HIS WORD.

jrccomputer · May 13, 2017

GOP said:

I absolutely agree. I love the way you said this. Two people who love the Lord, will only grow closer to him and closer together in love. I believe with all my heart, that two people who love the Lord can make such an impact together in the world.

The world is hurting, this world needs examples of health and powerful relationships. The world needs couples, who can be an example to others. We can impact others without being married, and we can impact people when we are married. I have accepted that I must not, settle for less then what God has planned for me.

GOP · May 14, 2017

You have said well brother. Never you settle for anything less than what GOD has planned for you. GOD want the Best for us.
As a man thinketh so shall he be.

jrccomputer said:

Test_F_i_2_Luv · May 14, 2017

elizabethlear said:

I had my first serious relationship when I was 24.

I started my second(and current) serious relationship when I was 42.

There were other women of interest along the way, but there have been no flings.

I don't see the big deal about being in serious relationships just a couple years out of high school.

Seems like everything in life has to go drive-thru speed. It's a great way to get a costly, unhealthy, non-nutritious marriage. :-/

elizabethlear · May 14, 2017

Test_F_i_2_Luv said:

Yes, as I've said, I've made some decisions I wish I hadn't because of that fear of being alone. One of those being taking relationships more seriously and not entertaining those flings because deep down I knew there was no future with them anyways.

But hey, learning is all a part of being young right?

Test_F_i_2_Luv · May 14, 2017

GOP said:

Context! Wow! I really ought to quote the whole chapter, but...

Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”; and again, “The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile.” So then, no more boasting about human leaders! All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God. -1 Cor 3:18-23

Using your interpretation your giving, it seems to me I can demand all your possessions as all things can likewise be mine in Christ Jesus.

1 Cor 3:21-22 is stating that Christian leaders and their teachings belong to the whole church, not to a particular group/community.

Interesting, and contrary to what you've written, Paul suggested(not demanded/commanded) remaining single so one can be more focused on serving God:

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. -1 Cor 7: 1-14

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. -1 Cor 7: 32-35

Test_F_i_2_Luv · May 14, 2017

elizabethlear said:

What I was trying to emphasize with my post was the aspect of being unnecessarily rushed.

You're just a couple years out of high school and seemingly concerned about getting married(or staying single).

At this point in life, you've got a chance to go out and explore the real world and take in the sights and sounds and enjoy life as a young adult. This can all be done in a mature way...without doing stupid stuff that so many are later embarrassed about.

After a time you'll decide you want to settle down and be more focused on life goals. You'll desire to focus on an occupation in the workforce, that you want a husband and family, or a combination of both.

blue_ladybug · May 14, 2017

Given the fact that your "serious" relationships failed, and that you've had several flings, I would say NO. Marriage is not for you. Not unless you BOTH put GOD first.

Test_F_i_2_Luv · May 14, 2017

blue_ladybug said:

We should probably find out what she means by "fling".

Not too long ago I was talking with a person and we learned that our definitions of "promiscuous" were different.

NoNameMcgee · May 15, 2017

elizabethlear said:

This is sort of a rant and sort of a "asking for opinions" post.

I'm only 20. I will be 21 in September and have only had a couple of "serious" relationships, and a handful of flings. And at this point in my life, I'm already questioning if marriage is for me. In the past few months I've been trying to get serious about giving my whole life to God and serving Him. And as I've thought about how I can do that, I've come across the thought that, "How can I give my whole life to Him if I'm dating or married?" I mean, I guess it is possible. Maybe I haven't met anyone who I'd be able to be with while simultaneously serving God the way I want to.

Having a boyfriend and getting married one day was always a big thing for me. It was always sort of an "end goal" in life. Like once I got married, that was it, I wouldn't need anything else, and I was terrified of the idea of maybe not getting married one day.Like if I didn't get married and have kids, my life wouldn't mean anything. I had a teacher in middle school who was in her upper 40s and she was never married. She loved kids and every once in a while she mentioned that she would like to get married one day and I was always afraid of being her. But now in the past few months the idea of not getting married one day doesn't scare me in the least. I don't think I would prefer one path over the other at this point. Of course I would love to have kids, which you obviously need to be married to have biological kids, but even the idea of not having kids doesn't just devastate me.

I have also made some bad decisions because of this desire to be with someone, such hiding who I really am and what I really thought in order to just gain the approval of potential boyfriends, considered dating non-Christians, and other more serious and personal mistakes. And I think maybe this indifference about getting married will help me make better decisions in the future about who I'm dating and how I date. I mean, if I'm not sure about getting married, then surely it will take just the right person to convince me to date them since I don't date for fun.

Another factor I've considered in this reflection is that I consider myself very independent and introverted. Since I was 13 I dreamed of getting my own apartment and working and doing my own thing. I was able to do that for a couple years after high school (but unfortunately moved back in with my parents to avoid excessive debt while I finish school). Maybe this is just me being young and not wanting to be tied down just yet.

I know that it is completely normal not to get married and even encouraged in a way in the New Testament so I'm not concerned over whether this is normal or not. I just kind of had to get my thoughts out there!

So what do y'all think? Is this some temporary phase because I'm young and independent and don't want to be tied down or is this a thought process anyone else has gone through where you have truly been indifferent about it/put it in God's hands? I think some people say that they have put their love life in God's hands, but haven't really.

Share any and all thoughts you have! Just wanted to put this out there since I haven't talked with anyone in my real life about it

i was similar...

started early with flings and serious relationships
almost even got married to a girlfriend i had from when i turned 16 till right before i turned 18

since then (the end of my 17th year) ive been single

i wasnt aware of God yet so i did continue to look around for awhile and try to uhhhh i dunno "play the field"
but when i found God ive been single ever since
been years im celebate and in the mindset of giving my whole life to God and not getting married but that doesnt mean i wont

theres nothing wrong with gettin married
maybe you can live for God for 10 years and one day he will provide for you a good man and then getting married and serving God at the same time will be an option

maybe its best to not close any doors
but just serve God in the present and grow in the Word

never know what he wants for us
maybe theres someone out there who God wants you to marry or maybe he wants you to devote yourself entirely to him

Not sure if marriage is for me.

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