FIL Help?

[Jazzlynn]

I have debated posting this for months, I'll talk myself out of it but then something happens and I want to post it again.

My father in law gets on every nerve I have and I don't know what to do. This will probably be all over the place but I just want to try to explain.
He does not want me married to his son and he made that plainly clear this past mothers day, he flat out said that my husband wasn't ready and he would rather him not be married (yet we are better off than he at our age, own a house, two cars, my DH has a job making good money etc.) Yesterday we where bringing in a new fridge we bought, my DH asked my brother in-law to come over and help, my FIL invites himself over to "help" (aka get in the way) and at one point he was about to a line on the top of the fridge with a knife till my DH stopped him. I was helping hold part of the door up so it can be reattached, just fine might I add, and he gets in my way so he can hold it too (because females can't do anything right). He doesn't do anything, if he is sitting and wants to write other people are up running around and getting him what he needs, if he finishes a drink and wants more you better give him more or he'll start yelling. He throws money at my BIL (he is younger than my DH), he let him sell a boat and keep the money, he gave him a motorcycle, he gave him an airplane (just a small one person one that needs work), if he wants something he gets it. But my DH didn't go away to college (he is going locally though), when he was in high school my FIL gave him a truck that need work, my DH had hundreds of dollars and hours in that truck, my FIL took it way after he graduated and sold it and gave my DH $200 set of tires. He is always right even when he is wrong. We are in process of remodeling our house and he tells us how to everything and tells us how to decorate to his taste (he is in his 50's and likes things that where in style when he was our age -20's-) and when we don't he gets up set. He "has" cows but the most he does is drive a tractor or herd them IN A CAR. And so so so much more I could list.

I need help, advice or at lest prayers. Sorry if this seems whiny or just complaining, I've been praying about this for more than two years now and I don't know what to do.

 

[mj007]

What do you love about his dad? And do you express that or find it hard to?

 

[maxwel]

In our culture you aren't expected to be best buds with his dad; you're only expected to tolerate him.

Be polite, pray a lot.

If he's causing any serious problems, or he starts really crossing the line, then you and hubby should both go get counseling together from your pastor. Pastors have father-in-laws, and they also counsel other people on this stuff all the time. Your pastor might be a really good source of wisdom on this.

 

[Jazzlynn]

What do you love about his dad? And do you express that or find it hard to?

I don't mean this in a rude way just truthfully, he is such an in your face let me yell about my opinion type of person that it's hard to see the good qualities, and that when he does something and you're like wow there is good/niceness in him he likes to show you his "ugly" side (sorry that's what my mom would call it when I was growing up). I'm truly thankful for him having my DH and what a wonderful man he raised, and the little bit he has helped us -there's a point of the year when my DH works 60+ hours a week and I'm allergic to the grass so we can't mow and he'll come over once or twice to do it for us (but we owe him back). And he does like my baking.
I could probably add a some more to the list if I sat down and thought about it but I don't want to do another long list like about my feelings like I just did.

 

[NoNameMcgee]

hmmmmmm

welp


im stumped

id suggest to just pray on it


and if he likes ur baking

have a preemptive strike ready


if his mouths filled with cookies and muffins

he cant flap it at you

 

[NoNameMcgee]

(i like old school people to be honest... im sure he and i would get along great so long as he loves Jesus)

 

[Jazzlynn]

(i like old school people to be honest... im sure he and i would get along great so long as he loves Jesus)

I'm the same way. I tend to hang out with people older than myself, min of 5 years and most are old enough to be my parents. Do you like racist jokes, I haven't seen him outside of church without hearing one, and cussing (side note: I'm genuinely worried what type of influence he'll have on my kids)? If you saw him in a church setting you probably would, outside of that he's a unique taste.

 

[Jazzlynn]

For everyone telling me to pray about it I have been since before I was married, so more than 2 years. That's why I haven't really been addressing that. I have taken the advice that has been given to me to heart and already tried to find ways to apply in my life. Thank you for your help.

 

[mj007]

So do you ever tell him about how you feel, or do you find him a bit over-bearing and tend to just smile and say nothing politely, while feeling somewhat agitated? As someone said above, yes there is tolerating, but I think trying to get the respect of someone is important within that toleration. People act how you allow them to act. Women always have the power to tell men how it is, in a nice way, when they aren't afraid to.

 

[Jazzlynn]

So do you ever tell him about how you feel, or do you find him a bit over-bearing and tend to just smile and say nothing politely, while feeling somewhat agitated? As someone said above, yes there is tolerating, but I think trying to get the respect of someone is important within that toleration. People act how you allow them to act. Women always have the power to tell men how it is, in a nice way, when they aren't afraid to.

I'm probably the quietest person you'd ever meet and other than my MIL they only have small talk with me or talk about things like their old house I've never seen or a person I've never meet. I have said somethings when he went to far, more than once he's said negative things that involved my family or something about my husband and I, and I'm sure that shocked them.

 

[slave]

Hello Jazzlynn - You and your husband look very happy together, and I'm happy for you. And it's nice to meet you as well, my name is Dan. As I read your post, I see at the summary a subconscious order developing and being expressed:

1). You need help,

2).You need Advice,

3).....and then in last place (and verily in the rankings you at least need prayer). Smile. Now, I'm not picking on ya, but I am just being honest ok? You had a moment of clarity at the end though when you noticed how it might seem, for us, to be - 'whiny'. You have an extensive and impressive memory, I could use someone like you to keep my tax records straight...There are some days I struggle memorizing Scriptures, but you, Sister, are all over the list of things that bother you about your FIL. You are as sharp as a tack.

You state you have been praying for two years...what are you asking God for (exactly)? One thing I've learned in my prayer life is when I pray for answers, looking at the difficulties, I never hear from God, but when I pray with my eyes on God, resting in things already accomplished in Christ, and focus on His will over my own desires toward the thing I am praying for, He is all over it with power. Not always in my timing either, but He answers them all, at some point (Ask, seek, knock with all of our strength).

There are many natural things you are experiencing here between your family relational dynamics that are actually normal, but remember whom you belong to now as a Christian, so ask yourself, "Am I anxious about this at all?" And as I read your words i discerned an inner debate of whether or not you were going to put this out for us to see, you were set in motion by your emotions and not necessarily your spirits emotions. So, that is why I asked what your prayer is? Is what you're asking yourself, "Lord search my heart?" Or, "Lord help me answer this issue?" In other words are you seated in Him to understand His answer when it comes? Or are you seated in your desires wanting God to give you His resources to achieve it?

We hear it said that "prayer alters things"; prayer not so much alters things as alters the person who prays, and that person alters things. When I am born from above the life of the Son of God is born in me, and I have to take time to nourish that life. I sense the speed of life winding you up like a wind-up-doll. You have a husband, you are young, and a car or two, and a home....and all of the Tyranny of the Urgent things of life right?!

But what is your disposition in Christ telling you to do in the way of speed in living? Guard your heart so that satan can't keep you going 90 miles an hour, casting away your first-fruit time with God who calls out,..."Come to Me...and I will give you rest". So, its practical for me to suggest - Slow down and look up first - right?!!

We must exercise our faith, and intentionally practice our inner life of spiritual intuition gathering. For we think with our hearts not our brains, the brain is just a mechanical tool that does the biding of our souls conclusions. And hopefully that is always based on the Spirits guise. The essential meaning of prayer is that it nourishes the life of the Son of God in me and enables Him to manifest Himself in my moral flesh (never our fleshly morals). We hand over our emotions to the ashes, and adopt only His spiritual emotions.

So, think about this practically as well, why will God change your FIL in any way unless to have Him draw him to Himself? But what does that have to do with your anxiety over these events? God is not interested in the "right vs wrong" arguments of man, (even when one is probably right over the other), He is interested in what is right, authored only by Him. For He is in control of everything else anyway. But He needs to be in control of you, at all times, or His spiritual intentions to be served will not bear fruit.

I hope this helps. To me these are some real concrete answers. My heart simply wants to support God in your walk; and with your relationships in your family. I will pray for you indeed. Immediately!

 

[Jazzlynn]

Hello Jazzlynn - You and your husband look very happy together, and I'm happy for you. And it's nice to meet you as well, my name is Dan. As I read your post, I see at the summary a subconscious order developing and being expressed:

1). You need help,

2).You need Advice,

3).....and then in last place (and verily in the rankings you at least need prayer). Smile. Now, I'm not picking on ya, but I am just being honest ok? You had a moment of clarity at the end though when you noticed how it might seem, for us, to be - 'whiny'. You have an extensive and impressive memory, I could use someone like you to keep my tax records straight...There are some days I struggle memorizing Scriptures, but you, Sister, are all over the list of things that bother you about your FIL. You are as sharp as a tack.

You state you have been praying for two years...what are you asking God for (exactly)? One thing I've learned in my prayer life is when I pray for answers, looking at the difficulties, I never hear from God, but when I pray with my eyes on God, resting in things already accomplished in Christ, and focus on His will over my own desires toward the thing I am praying for, He is all over it with power. Not always in my timing either, but He answers them all, at some point (Ask, seek, knock with all of our strength).

There are many natural things you are experiencing here between your family relational dynamics that are actually normal, but remember whom you belong to now as a Christian, so ask yourself, "Am I anxious about this at all?" And as I read your words i discerned an inner debate of whether or not you were going to put this out for us to see, you were set in motion by your emotions and not necessarily your spirits emotions. So, that is why I asked what your prayer is? Is what you're asking yourself, "Lord search my heart?" Or, "Lord help me answer this issue?" In other words are you seated in Him to understand His answer when it comes? Or are you seated in your desires wanting God to give you His resources to achieve it?

We hear it said that "prayer alters things"; prayer not so much alters things as alters the person who prays, and that person alters things. When I am born from above the life of the Son of God is born in me, and I have to take time to nourish that life. I sense the speed of life winding you up like a wind-up-doll. You have a husband, you are young, and a car or two, and a home....and all of the Tyranny of the Urgent things of life right?!

But what is your disposition in Christ telling you to do in the way of speed in living? Guard your heart so that satan can't keep you going 90 miles an hour, casting away your first-fruit time with God who calls out,..."Come to Me...and I will give you rest". So, its practical for me to suggest - Slow down and look up first - right?!!

We must exercise our faith, and intentionally practice our inner life of spiritual intuition gathering. For we think with our hearts not our brains, the brain is just a mechanical tool that does the biding of our souls conclusions. And hopefully that is always based on the Spirits guise. The essential meaning of prayer is that it nourishes the life of the Son of God in me and enables Him to manifest Himself in my moral flesh (never our fleshly morals). We hand over our emotions to the ashes, and adopt only His spiritual emotions.

So, think about this practically as well, why will God change your FIL in any way unless to have Him draw him to Himself? But what does that have to do with your anxiety over these events? God is not interested in the "right vs wrong" arguments of man, (even when one is probably right over the other), He is interested in what is right, authored only by Him. For He is in control of everything else anyway. But He needs to be in control of you, at all times, or His spiritual intentions to be served will not bear fruit.

I hope this helps. To me these are some real concrete answers. My heart simply wants to support God in your walk; and with your relationships in your family. I will pray for you indeed. Immediately!

Thank you so much Your reply means a lot to me.

I ordered it that way because, my title asked for help, and in my mind help would be something someone could do real fast, advice would be taking some time to talk to me and then just forgetting about it, and to pray would mean someone would have to remember me when they go to pray. I don't want to be inconvenience on someone.
One reason I didn't post it in the past was because I knew it would come out whiny but I know the bible says to learn from people more mature than you and I was just hoping someone had gone through something similar and could talk to me.
Actually everything I listed has happened in 2017, other than the truck but my DH brought that up the other day. So it's not that I have some sort of amazing memory it's just some of it struck an emotion that helped me remember it for a few months or it's still fresh on my mind.

I have prayed for God to be in our relationship and His will be done, I'm willing to change on my end but if the other person isn't all I can do is continue pray and let the Lord work in my life.

The things I listed we have are because of things my FIL says, I myself know we only have them because of the Lord in our life and mirage, but he will tell us we messed our lives up and won't have a good life because we didn't follow his guidelines on life.

I know I'm younger -22- but I haven't just learned from my own experiences I learn from the people in my life that are older than I am, what they have gone through and from the bible as my guide. That's really all I'm wanting to do here,

Again thank you. I feel like every time I read your reply I pick up on something else to keep in mind.

 

[mcubed]

Gen. 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

[FONT=Arimo, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What does your husband do about this? According to the Scripture he needs to step up, sort of speak, if he has not to his father. [/FONT]

 

[Jazzlynn]

Gen. 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

What does your husband do about this? According to the Scripture he needs to step up, sort of speak, if he has not to his father.

He has said things when it is needed, but you know pick your battles.

 

[Depleted]

I have debated posting this for months, I'll talk myself out of it but then something happens and I want to post it again.

My father in law gets on every nerve I have and I don't know what to do. This will probably be all over the place but I just want to try to explain.
He does not want me married to his son and he made that plainly clear this past mothers day, he flat out said that my husband wasn't ready and he would rather him not be married (yet we are better off than he at our age, own a house, two cars, my DH has a job making good money etc.) Yesterday we where bringing in a new fridge we bought, my DH asked my brother in-law to come over and help, my FIL invites himself over to "help" (aka get in the way) and at one point he was about to a line on the top of the fridge with a knife till my DH stopped him. I was helping hold part of the door up so it can be reattached, just fine might I add, and he gets in my way so he can hold it too (because females can't do anything right). He doesn't do anything, if he is sitting and wants to write other people are up running around and getting him what he needs, if he finishes a drink and wants more you better give him more or he'll start yelling. He throws money at my BIL (he is younger than my DH), he let him sell a boat and keep the money, he gave him a motorcycle, he gave him an airplane (just a small one person one that needs work), if he wants something he gets it. But my DH didn't go away to college (he is going locally though), when he was in high school my FIL gave him a truck that need work, my DH had hundreds of dollars and hours in that truck, my FIL took it way after he graduated and sold it and gave my DH $200 set of tires. He is always right even when he is wrong. We are in process of remodeling our house and he tells us how to everything and tells us how to decorate to his taste (he is in his 50's and likes things that where in style when he was our age -20's-) and when we don't he gets up set. He "has" cows but the most he does is drive a tractor or herd them IN A CAR. And so so so much more I could list.

I need help, advice or at lest prayers. Sorry if this seems whiny or just complaining, I've been praying about this for more than two years now and I don't know what to do.

Consider yourself the First Lady. You are married to the President, but you are not the President. It's not that far off from a Christian marriage.

Your husband's father, not your father. He is the one who decides what to do about his own dad, not you. And, let him be the one to make those decisions.

BUT, you are his wife, so you do get to tell him what you think, even make suggestions on what you think might work, but he gets to make the final decision. And when he makes them? Stand by him! Because that's his dad you're talking about and his dad means something big to him. So make it mean something big to you too. Support your husband in his decisions.

We're helpmates, not obstacles.

 

[Depleted]

I don't mean this in a rude way just truthfully, he is such an in your face let me yell about my opinion type of person that it's hard to see the good qualities, and that when he does something and you're like wow there is good/niceness in him he likes to show you his "ugly" side (sorry that's what my mom would call it when I was growing up). I'm truly thankful for him having my DH and what a wonderful man he raised, and the little bit he has helped us -there's a point of the year when my DH works 60+ hours a week and I'm allergic to the grass so we can't mow and he'll come over once or twice to do it for us (but we owe him back). And he does like my baking.
I could probably add a some more to the list if I sat down and thought about it but I don't want to do another long list like about my feelings like I just did.

Something that might help you. (Or, it might not, but nothing lost, nothing gained.)

Hubby had a boss at one time who had "nicknames" for all of his workers. Except, they weren't nicknames, they were 20 versions of curse words. The first time he called hubby one of those names, hubby stopped him cold. He told him he doesn't answer to insults, and he won't put up with it. He'll take yelling, screaming, shouting him down if he screws up, but not insults.

The boss remained gruff, but stopped calling hubby names from that point on. He also respected him for standing up for himself.

Now me? You can call me any word you want, and it doesn't phase me. Yell at me in my face, and you will NOT like what happens next. (I cry when I get mad, so yelling in my face guarantees mad, and a big surprise for the one yelling at me. lol) I only had one boss yell at me all the time. He hired me because he knew (from my resume) that I'm able to learn quickly. BUT he was teaching me to do something I didn't think I had a head to do, except I really needed the job. Bookkeeping. One of those jobs hard to learn quickly, and I got it wrong often at first. So he yelled, "Nonononono." (Five nos every time. lol) And then told me what I did wrong.

I stopped him in a different way. I do learn quickly, but that's because I figure out where I'm wrong quickly and accept I goof easily. So, when I goofed, I'd go to his desk and yell, nonononono first and then tell him how I screwed up, so he could get over yelling at me, and simply tell me what to do instead.

What I'm saying is stick up for yourself. If you don't like someone yelling in your face, tell him that, and then tell him what you will accept instead.

People respect that. Might take them a bit to readjust the attitude, but they usually learn quickly too.

 

[OneFaith]

I have debated posting this for months, I'll talk myself out of it but then something happens and I want to post it again.

My father in law gets on every nerve I have and I don't know what to do. This will probably be all over the place but I just want to try to explain.
He does not want me married to his son and he made that plainly clear this past mothers day, he flat out said that my husband wasn't ready and he would rather him not be married (yet we are better off than he at our age, own a house, two cars, my DH has a job making good money etc.) Yesterday we where bringing in a new fridge we bought, my DH asked my brother in-law to come over and help, my FIL invites himself over to "help" (aka get in the way) and at one point he was about to a line on the top of the fridge with a knife till my DH stopped him. I was helping hold part of the door up so it can be reattached, just fine might I add, and he gets in my way so he can hold it too (because females can't do anything right). He doesn't do anything, if he is sitting and wants to write other people are up running around and getting him what he needs, if he finishes a drink and wants more you better give him more or he'll start yelling. He throws money at my BIL (he is younger than my DH), he let him sell a boat and keep the money, he gave him a motorcycle, he gave him an airplane (just a small one person one that needs work), if he wants something he gets it. But my DH didn't go away to college (he is going locally though), when he was in high school my FIL gave him a truck that need work, my DH had hundreds of dollars and hours in that truck, my FIL took it way after he graduated and sold it and gave my DH $200 set of tires. He is always right even when he is wrong. We are in process of remodeling our house and he tells us how to everything and tells us how to decorate to his taste (he is in his 50's and likes things that where in style when he was our age -20's-) and when we don't he gets up set. He "has" cows but the most he does is drive a tractor or herd them IN A CAR. And so so so much more I could list.

I need help, advice or at lest prayers. Sorry if this seems whiny or just complaining, I've been praying about this for more than two years now and I don't know what to do.

"Let it be for now- the weeds will grow among the wheat until the harvest day." The weeds irritate us wheat, but we must respond with love, forgiveness, and righteousness (do what's right in the situation). Because we are their only chance to turn into wheat before the harvest day. If they don't turn into wheat, then our efforts serve as evidence against them on judgement day (harvest day). If they do turn into wheat, then they are no better than us- because we were once weeds too.

If someone said that a tree was a cow, you know it's not- no matter how many times they say it, for however many years- you will know that trees aren't cows, and that cows aren't trees. No matter what someone says that you know is not true, don't own it. If you feel he is saying by word or action that women are weak/useless, and you know it's not true, let His intention be between him and God, and be free of it in your mind.

Understand though that God gave men their male egos- which help them protect and provide for their families. So promote that which is from God. If he wants to hold the fridge door- let him, and compliment his strength. If he wants to use cuss words, don't let him, because that is not from God. Say "This is my house, and and I would appreciate you not using those words here." If he is not at your house say, "I would appreciate you not using those words in my presence." However, you can't effect his freewill (which is from God), but you showing him his wrong will either help him recognize he needs to do something about his sin, or be evidence against him on judgement day. But do not nag or mention his fowl mouth every time- or that will be evidence against you.

No matter what the situation with him, or anyone else, do not let them make you own things in your mind that you should not own, and at the same time define their right or wrong, and influence them to chose right.

Do not be surprised when someone does wrong- as if it's an odd occurrence, rather expect it. That way you will be prepared if they do, or delighted if they don't. Because the statistics of someone doing wrong is 100% in every person, including you.

 

[Nice_Lady]

I dont know how u feel about ur husband but he need to protect u and cherish u, not to expose u on danger or yellings. Leave and Cleave is the Biblical rule. Love is a sacrifice for one's friend how much more for his wife - the picture of the church redeemed by Christ! Learn and teach!

 

[joyfullyhis]

I'm probably the quietest person you'd ever meet and other than my MIL they only have small talk with me or talk about things like their old house I've never seen or a person I've never meet. I have said somethings when he went to far, more than once he's said negative things that involved my family or something about my husband and I, and I'm sure that shocked them.

If he is not living with you and your husband I would just ignore him. I believe you should discuss it with your husband and let him have a talk with your father-in-law. Your father should be respectful to you and your family. He should live by the golden rule.

 

[Katy-follower]

Wow. This sounds a bit like my life and what I've had to go through. And my FIL could be his twin

This is exactly why God says that a man is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Without this happening there would be a lot of divorces due to meddling parents. Parents just aren't supposed to interfere in their child's marriage. The biblical order of things is... God first, spouse 2nd, children 3rd, parents 4th. I'm not saying you divorce your parents, just that they don't come before your spouse. They're a bit lower on the pecking order.

Is your husband the first sibling to be married? I'm wondering if your FIL just has no experience in handling in-law relationships perhaps?

This does need to be nipped in the bud straight away, because it could eventually destroy your marriage. This isn't petty at all. I know how you feel. These things fester and just get worse over time. They affect your happiness, you begin to always feel second to your in-laws and it will put a strain on your marriage.

This is one for your husband to handle, not you. It's his father, so it's his job. He needs to put you first and set boundaries with his parents, otherwise this will go on for years and you'll be left feeling so frustrated. As your husband, he needs to be willing to put his dad in his place, even at the risk of his dad severing the relationship. You hope this won't happen, but it needs to be clear that you're a priority over his dad, so he needs to be willing to put you first and take that risk with his dad, whatever the outcome.

My husband always made his parents a priority, even some days without realizing he was doing it. His dad always had a hold on him and just would not cut the cord. I wanted to include them in our lives, just didn't want to give them the power to interfere and make decisions that were not theirs to make. We were unable to enjoy the early years of our marriage. When we took a step forward it felt like we were then taking 10 steps backwards, and it went on like this for years. Never able to progress because of their meddling. It also became clear to me that my FIL was trying to be the head of the entire family, where no boundaries exist between each married family. This just isn't God's design at all. They're religious/non believers and also a different nationality, so they do things very differently.

It was disappointing because I felt like my husband never had my back, and it was difficult to trust him after that. He seemed more concerned with obeying his dad and not upsetting his parents. They didn't seem to respect our marriage at all so it felt like a constant tug of war. Priorities were all wrong.

My FIL has always been old school and would frown at you for up to an hour afterwards if things weren't done his way, to his standards. But I'm not a clone. I'm a different person with my own personality and way of doing things. It really didn't help either that I've been in a couple of controlling abusive relationships. I never felt like I could do anything right. My confidence was destroyed and I would second guess myself on ridiculous things, while also dealing with triggers. Then here was my FIL frowning and judging me.

As for the favoritism, I know this too well. My in-laws have always offered out a rewards-based relationship, where you get rewarded for falling in line/good behavior. I've seen the manipulation, the favoritism, the clamoring for approval, competing, one-upmanship, and it's always made me feel so uncomfortable. I've always felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole with this family. We will feel that way anyway, since we're in the world but not of the world. It may sound strange but I've always felt like God has been protecting me from them in a way, like He had His hand on me through it all, maybe to prevent me from losing myself in it all, because it would be so easy to drift into all the craziness and get lost in it.

But I would always be the bigger person, always welcoming them into our home for the holidays, despite issues. Because they're family and I wanted to make that effort.

Boundaries were set and my FIL didn't respond so well in the beginning because he had to give up some control, but he came around and actually ended up having more respect for my husband as a result, and things did improve with them. They had more respect for our marriage. But I still had to be careful because when I gave them an inch they would take a mile.

I'm kind of typing in past tense because we're not really together right now. Our marriage just didn't start off right and this all went on for an exhausting 7 years or so. And then something happened last year that's making it impossible for me to go back to how things were. I've tried.

It's a bit scary. Change is a bit scary. I just have no idea what the future holds at all. No security there. But I'm trying to trust God with it all.

Hope this helps! Hopefully you can get this resolved asap!

Feel free to email me